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Messages - Raven2017

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1
Spouse, Partner Loss / 7 months
« on: November 14, 2017, 02:36:37 PM »
Yesterday was 7 months since Jim has been gone.  I am wondering if this EVER gets easier?  I have added so many new activities into my daily routine and there are still so many hours left in the day.  I am ALWAYS thinking about Jim and no matter what I do, I feel so sad.  This is mentally and physically exhausting - the face you put on for everyone else so that they aren't "uncomfortable" and then the real "you" when you're alone.  The saddest part is that if I ever had a problem or was stressed about anything, Jim was the person that I turned to.  He and I talked about pretty much everything...we didn't always agree but we were good sounding boards for each other.  I want to talk to him now so that he can help me understand this but he's gone.  I have good people in my life but no one that comes close to understanding what I have lost with Jim's passing. He was my best friend and I miss him so much.
Sometimes, I find it hard to believe that 7 months have already gone by but then I look at it day by day and this has been the longest 7 months of my life.  I wonder if the rest of my life is going to feel like this?  Only 7 months but I have already had so many firsts - Easter, my birthday, our wedding anniversary, Jim's 60th birthday, all our children's birthdays, our grandchildren's birthdays, Thanksgiving, Halloween.  All without Jim. The problem is that we celebrated so many everyday moments in life that I just can't escape.  I am grateful to have so many wonderful memories but that makes EVERYTHING that happens a "first" without Jim. It is overwhelming. 
I know everyone says to take good care of yourself but how on earth do you sit down and eat a meal all by yourself?  I have tried to eat better, tried different rooms, tried everything.  I don't see the point in cooking for myself and then throwing it away because it feels lonely.  I know I have to get past this but I don't know how.
Just having a bad couple of days....

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Spouse, Partner Loss / Re: Two months
« on: November 06, 2017, 08:51:51 AM »
Hi GreensGal,
I lost my husband, Jim, suddenly in April and I feel just as lost as you do.  I am a widow at 56. There are good days and bad days, LOTS of meltdowns.  I miss the things that you do, snuggling under the blankets, the hugs, him holding my hand...just the feeling of "safeness" that we created together.  I just miss HIM....My house is SO physically empty but it is still alive with Jim and our memories.  Most days, I am as content at home as I can be with his absence but others I just scream because it's just not fair.  It's a lonely existence right now but you have to find things to occupy yourself...things you didn't do with your husband.  It's hard and it definitely sucks....I have used that word quite often. I think that everyone is just as lost as you. 
When I came to this site, I found someone that had lost their spouse relatively close to me so that I could relate better.  He was extremely helpful and while all of our stories are different, the grief is pretty much the same.  Keep reading, this is a very helpful and caring site.
One thing that I get irrationally angry at is that the world didn't stop when Jim passed away.  It did for me but everyone else just continues on with their lives.  Of course they should but we feel forgotten...we're not.  No one can possibly understand this heartache unless they have gone through it but you have to be grateful for the ones that are there.  I find a lot of comfort in my daughters and my grandchildren but otherwise, I prefer to be alone...you have to find what makes you "comfortable" .

3
Spouse, Partner Loss / Re: Gina's Birthday
« on: October 17, 2017, 12:40:41 PM »
Mark,
What a wonderful memory to have.  It sounds like a birthday that created memories of Gina for everyone involved.

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Spouse, Partner Loss / 6 months and 4 days
« on: October 17, 2017, 12:37:39 PM »
I haven't posted very much lately as I was feeling like I had nothing positive to offer and then I realized that this is not what this site is all about.  I have learned a lot about coping on this website and it's helped me through the first three months knowing that others feel the same way as I do... it probably makes good sense to continue.  In my world, I have lots of support but no one can actually relate to how it feels to lose your best friend, your soul mate. 
Well, it's a little over 6 months since Jim passed away.  I still feel like it happened yesterday and I still find it hard to believe that he is not physically here.  If I could wish him back, he would be standing beside me right now. I was getting through most days in a semi-productive way but then I had a 60th birthday dinner for my sister in September and it has been downhill since then.  Jim passed away in April and would have turned 60 in June and while I love my sister, it just reminded me that Jim didn't get to be 60 or do the things that he was expecting to do after working so hard his whole life.  It was probably a mistake to have the dinner but I have a big family and Jim and I usually have all the numerous family functions.  I did learn my lesson and our Thanksgiving dinner (obviously Canada) was very small with just my daughters and my parents....that was still hard.
All these firsts.  I wonder how on earth people make it through this.  I start to feel strong, like I may make it through and then I come crashing down really hard.  I am not depressed, just so sad, but each day, I am not sure how I am going to feel and honestly, it changes about 10 times during the day as does my thought process.  My mind is still kind of all over the place, I am never sure what  is going to come out of my mouth.  I am a very private person and I am both physically and emotionally exhausted by trying to show a strong front to everyone.  Honestly, I don't want to participate 100% in life right now.  I am probably at the 50% mark.  I still want time to myself, I want to pick and choose what I feel capable of doing on a given day and I don't want to have to waste the energy coming up with excuses.  I just want to be able to say "Not today" and have that taken at face value.  Does this make sense to anyone or am I being selfish?  Jim was my best friend, so vibrant and strong, we were the best team together.  To lose him so unexpectedly and unnecessarily is really hard to wrap my head around.  I am constantly aware  that he isn't here and I never had a chance to say goodbye and that is the part that plays on my mind the most right now and probably always will.
October has been bittersweet.  My daughter had a beautiful, healthy baby boy.  I am so grateful and happy but then I feel so sad that this grandson won't know "Papa".  Jim was like a kid himself around the grandkids, he was so proud of them and they loved him so much.  They're pretty young so while they will keep Jim's memory with them for awhile, it makes me sad that this baby will not have any memories of Jim.  I know life goes on but I want it to go on with Jim in it.  I also know that isn't possible....
My Dad had open heart surgery in October as well.  He is 79 and is recovering fabulously.  While I love him so much, I can't help but wonder why they were so good with my Dad and so incompetent with Jim.  A little bit of anger which I try very hard to keep in check.  The hospital is in the process of completing their review into Jim's death and Health Services will finish their review by early December.   I am torn by this as I want the people responsible to be held accountable but whatever happens, the end result is that I won't get what I want which is to have Jim back with me. 

5
Spouse, Partner Loss / Re: Happy Birthday Mark!
« on: October 17, 2017, 11:52:05 AM »
Happy Birthday, Mark!
It is funny how fast time goes when you look at our ages.  I am 57 and my oldest daughter just turned 35.  I look at her and wonder how is that possible when I am not that old and then I remember that I am....it's kind of funny.  I hope you enjoyed your day in a way that was good for you.

6
Spouse, Partner Loss / Re: Been a month
« on: July 29, 2017, 06:52:43 PM »
Mark,
I wouldn't call you over-protective, I think you are just being smart.  It's better to be safe.  How is Ben doing after having a couple of weeks in your home?
It's funny...Jim has been gone for 3 1/2 months now and it's strange to me how people just seem to carry on with their lives in a normal way.  They are back in their routine and it was just a small "blip" in their lives.  Rationally, I know that is how it works but inside, I am horrified that everything can be normal when our world has been devastated forever.  I also get the weekly calls now though sometimes, I am happy with that as it leaves me time to be by myself.
I hope you have picked up your guitar again.  I think it's important to do things like that though for the life of me, I can't think of anything that motivates me.

7
Spouse, Partner Loss / 3 months today
« on: July 13, 2017, 07:33:36 PM »
I feel so bad for being so negative but does this ever get any better?  I miss Jim more and more every day.  His passing was so unexpected and senseless that I can't wrap my head around the fact that he is gone forever.  One minute, we were watching T.V, then he had a headache and was going to lie down and then next I was calling an ambulance.  I didn't get to say goodbye to him. Rationally, I know that he is not here but I miss him so much and I am having more bad days than good ever since his birthday in June.  I still get up, get dressed and go through the day but inside, I am a mess.  I feel like the outside of me looks normal but the inside of me is in a fog, unfocused most of the time. I keep extremely busy both inside and outside but it's not enough.  He is in my mind constantly.  I feel like I'm going crazy.  I am so lucky because I have so many people in my life that care about me but I just want Jim back.

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Spouse, Partner Loss / Re: Been a month
« on: June 26, 2017, 07:35:29 PM »
Hi Mark,
I'm glad to hear that you went away.  I was thinking about you during that time and hoping that you would be with people that care about you. It's still hard but it lessens the time that you have alone to think and re-think everything. I guess that we will always have so many special days that we have to learn to handle in the best way that we know how. 
I completely understand that you would be putting in extra time with your guitar. You seem to be adding more things to your routine...is that because you want to be really busy or does it really help you cope?  I guess keeping your mind busy is very important.
You give me hope that some things will get better.  It would be nice to cook again or to eat for some other reason than to just survive.

9
Spouse, Partner Loss / 2 months tomorrow
« on: June 12, 2017, 06:16:13 AM »
Well, it will be two months tomorrow since Jim passed.  These have been the longest two months of my life. I am starting to fill some of my time but I still have a lot of bad days...I miss him every second of the day but I am trying really hard to think of good memories rather than wondering why all the time.  That won't bring him back.  If I could think of anything that would do that, I would do it in a heartbeat.  He was such an amazing, vibrant person and to have been taken so suddenly, makes my heart break.  When you lose your spouse, you lose the present and your future but most importantly, it's the everyday life that hurts the most.  I miss his weird and wonderful sense of humor, his extraordinary hugs that made me feel so safe and just the ordinary, day to day conversations that we had.  I miss eating dinner with him and walking the dog, our Saturday morning running around doing errands.  I find myself always wanting to talk to him and share the little things that happened throughout the day and then I remember that I can't and it makes me so incredibly sad....I just simply miss all of HIM.
Tomorrow is also his son's birthday.  That will be a hard day for him on top of Father's Day this Sunday.  They were very close and days like those coming up make the senselessness of what happened come to the forefront of your mind again.  It feels like this will always be front and center and I wonder how people continue on with such a big hole in their heart.  I always feel like I have this incredible ache inside and it will be there forever.  I hurt for his son tomorrow.
Jim's 60th Birthday is also coming up on June 20.  There are just too many "firsts" that have happened in two months.  In May, I thought that might make things easier, to get them out of the way, but now I wonder if it's just too much too soon.  You just get over one day and then the next is right there and you can feel the emotion building and there is absolutely nothing you can do about it.  Those of Jim's family that are in the area are going to celebrate his birthday together so I am looking forward to being with all the people that meant so much to him....especially his Mom. 
I know everyone says that life continues on but at this point in time, I wonder how that happens.  I know my life will never be the same, I know I have incredible people in my life that support me but I just miss him so much.  Jim and I lost quite a few friends in their 50's and we always said that if you make it through your 50's, you should live until you're 90.  He was so close...2 months away.  I will make it through this but I always wonder who I will be at the end.  It's not possible to go through this heartache and be the same person.  I have always been very positive and I am trying to find some way to stay that way but losing Jim tests every positive thought that I have ever had. Trying to stay busy works best but when you are alone, there are an awful lot of hours to fill and only so much energy to do anything.  I was an avid reader but so far, I haven't been able to pick up a book at all.  Is that normal?  That would help fill a lot of time.
Sometimes, I have a good day and I think I am handling everything very well and then the next day, I am just lost. I still have about a two hour window away from our home before I get anxious and I have left it that if you want to see me, you have to come to our home but my list of people that I want to see keeps getting shorter and shorter. It would be very easy to just be alone but thankfully, I have people that are very important to me who won't allow that to happen.  I just want to go back to March and do this differently so that the outcome is that I still have Jim.
JustMark, I am thinking of you this week and I know that it will be a very hard week for you. I hope you have family and friends around to support you through a few more difficult days.

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Spouse, Partner Loss / Re: 26 days
« on: May 20, 2017, 06:45:00 AM »
Hi Mark,
Last weekend was pretty rough emotionally.  I decided that I wanted to be alone so I told everyone that I was "hibernating" for the weekend.  I was prepared for a very hard, emotional weekend and I wanted to be alone.  That was the worst idea...I went to the cemetery on Sunday - our anniversary- and that was the way that I started my day.  Thankfully, my sister and my daughter decided to ignore my wishes and my sister and brother in law came by Sunday morning and my daughter and family surprised me and dropped by in the afternoon with dinner. I was a little resentful at first, but I ended up spending the day with my daughter, her husband and my little grandchildren...who can be sad around all that love?  They keep me grounded as I know they are hurting but they don't need to be in an atmosphere of sadness.  So, for that time that they are here, I pretend that I'm okay and then for a few hours, I really am.
I'm sorry that you also have both days happening at the same time...it's hard. My best advice is to have people around you even if you don't think that this is what you want.  They take a little bit of the pain away but you can also talk about Gina and remember the good times and you have someone to hug when you feel overwhelmed.  They feel the loss as well...not in the same way, of course but they also loved Gina. 
I wonder sometimes, if it's easier to have all the "firsts" so soon after or if it would be better if it happened later?  I think it would be hard regardless of how much time passes, it's going to be hard for a long time.
I did take your advice from a previous post.  We live on an acreage and Jim used to do all the lawn cutting so I decided to have a friend teach me how to run the lawn tractor.  I cried the first time I got on it as it just reminded me of Jim, he loved doing it.  The next time, I cut all the grass and did the rest with the gas lawn mower.  It took almost all day but it was a nice feeling when I was done. 
Jim always planted our vegetable garden this weekend with our grandchildren.  I just helped maintain it after the fact...weeding and eating the vegetables.  I wasn't going to plant one this year but have decided that I will plant it, on a smaller scale, with the grandchildren and carry on the tradition...that's our plan next weekend as we still had frost today.  Jim would like that.
I don't feel that it's getting any easier....in fact, it feels like it gets harder each day.  I feel like I am replacing Jim by doing the things that he did.  Rationally, I know that if I want to stay here, they have to get done but other times, I think I'll just leave them so that he can do them and then I remember that he isn't coming home.  I still only go out if I have to, other than walking my dog, I pretty much stay in the house.  I have no motivation to plant flowers or do the little things to make the yard prettier. I am very aware that I have to try a little harder as it would be so easy to feel sorry for myself and become reclusive but its so very hard.  We did so much together and it's all the little, everyday things that I miss so much.  I miss his voice.
I learn a lot from reading your posts, thank you for that. Deep down, I know we will all get through this but it's the hardest thing to fathom right now.


11
Spouse, Partner Loss / 26 days
« on: May 08, 2017, 01:57:46 PM »
Jim has been gone 26 days now and I seem to miss him more each day.  His one month date is coming up on Saturday and our 12th wedding anniversary is on Sunday.  I don't know how to make it through this weekend.  We were together for 17 years and when we met, it was just like we had been waiting for each other.  We loved each other completely and even though we had separate interests, we spent so much time together.  He was my very best friend and loved me despite my faults and I felt the same with him.  I just feel totally lost.
For the past two weeks, I have tried to go out once a week by myself but it's so hard to do.  I find that I quickly run in and do what I have to do and then I come home where I feel safe.  Even when I'm home, I just wander.  I have lots of things that I could be doing to keep me busy but I just lock the doors and do nothing.  I have friends that come by and I'm fine if they come here but everything just seems to be getting harder. My daughters, grandchildren and sister come by and they are wonderful. We have great visits but when they leave, I don't know what to do.
I have a growing resentment to some family members and that is eating at me.  I'm not usually like that but I feel like they didn't grieve at all and I find it disrespectful to Jim.  I understand that they won't even come close to feeling like I do but even a mention of his passing would be better than just continuing on with their lives as if nothing happened.  Sometimes I feel like people are expecting me to be more "normal" already and then I wonder if I am just projecting that as I am usually a very strong person and I am definitely not that right now.  How do people get through this?  I bought some grief books but I can't even read them right now. 
Jim's sudden death was due to a medical error and was totally avoidable.  I know I am furious about that but I have really tried to keep the anger outside of the grief.  His case is in the process of being reviewed but I just can't get it out of my mind that it didn't have to happen.  It is devastating and I miss him so much.

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Spouse, Partner Loss / 26 days
« on: May 08, 2017, 01:55:44 PM »
Jim has been gone 26 days now and I seem to miss him more each day.  His one month date is coming up on Saturday and our 12th wedding anniversary is on Sunday.  I don't know how to make it through this weekend.  We were together for 17 years and when we met, it was just like we had been waiting for each other.  We loved each other completely and even though we had separate interests, we spent so much time together.  He was my very best friend and loved me despite my faults and I felt the same with him.  I just feel totally lost.
For the past two weeks, I have tried to go out once a week by myself but it's so hard to do.  I find that I quickly run in and do what I have to do and then I come home where I feel safe.  Even when I'm home, I just wander.  I have lots of things that I could be doing to keep me busy but I just lock the doors and do nothing.  I have friends that come by and I'm fine if they come here but everything just seems to be getting harder. My daughters, grandchildren and sister come by and they are wonderful. We have great visits but when they leave, I don't know what to do.
I have a growing resentment to some family members and that is eating at me.  I'm not usually like that but I feel like they didn't grieve at all and I find it disrespectful to Jim.  I understand that they won't even come close to feeling like I do but even a mention of his passing would be better than just continuing on with their lives as if nothing happened.  Sometimes I feel like people are expecting me to be more "normal" already and then I wonder if I am just projecting that as I am usually a very strong person and I am definitely not that right now.  How do people get through this?  I bought some grief books but I can't even read them right now. 
Jim's sudden death was due to a medical error and was totally avoidable.  I know I am furious about that but I have really tried to keep the anger outside of the grief.  His case is in the process of being reviewed but I just can't get it out of my mind that it didn't have to happen.  It is devastating and I miss him so much.

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Parent Loss / Re: I lost my mom April 10th 2017
« on: May 08, 2017, 01:30:24 PM »
Hi Dawnshy,
I am sorry to hear about your Mom.  Moms are special. My Mom passed away in 1996 under different circumstances than yours but it's so hard.  My husband passed away suddenly on April 13, 2017 and like JustMark, I am wondering about the isolation and anger as well and wondering if we are talking about the same thing.  I am not totally avoiding the loss of my husband but I am staying very close to home with my dog.  I am uncomfortable going out in public by myself because I am afraid I will lose it somewhere other than home.   Is that why you're isolating yourself? 

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Main / Re: Any one ever on here
« on: May 06, 2017, 08:26:26 AM »
Hi Lacemaker,

I am also new here and am going through the sudden death of my husband.  You do know what you are doing....when I posted the first time, my thoughts were exactly the same as yours.  I thought that no one cared and wondered why there had been no responses to my post.  I think most people do what I have been doing...reading other posts to find someone that I can connect to, someone that is in the same time frame of grief as I am.  The stories shared will help you to realize that you are not alone nor are you going crazy.  Sometimes, just reading the other posts is comforting as you can see that there are so many people that share the same heartbreak as you do. 

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Main / Re: Where is everyone from?
« on: May 06, 2017, 08:19:44 AM »
HI,
I am also from Canada.  We live on an acreage south of Calgary, Alberta.  I am new here and it makes me feel much better to read the posts from people that know exactly what this is like.

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