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Messages - Raven2017

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1
Spouse, Partner Loss / Re: Been a month
« on: July 29, 2017, 06:52:43 PM »
Mark,
I wouldn't call you over-protective, I think you are just being smart.  It's better to be safe.  How is Ben doing after having a couple of weeks in your home?
It's funny...Jim has been gone for 3 1/2 months now and it's strange to me how people just seem to carry on with their lives in a normal way.  They are back in their routine and it was just a small "blip" in their lives.  Rationally, I know that is how it works but inside, I am horrified that everything can be normal when our world has been devastated forever.  I also get the weekly calls now though sometimes, I am happy with that as it leaves me time to be by myself.
I hope you have picked up your guitar again.  I think it's important to do things like that though for the life of me, I can't think of anything that motivates me.

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Spouse, Partner Loss / 3 months today
« on: July 13, 2017, 07:33:36 PM »
I feel so bad for being so negative but does this ever get any better?  I miss Jim more and more every day.  His passing was so unexpected and senseless that I can't wrap my head around the fact that he is gone forever.  One minute, we were watching T.V, then he had a headache and was going to lie down and then next I was calling an ambulance.  I didn't get to say goodbye to him. Rationally, I know that he is not here but I miss him so much and I am having more bad days than good ever since his birthday in June.  I still get up, get dressed and go through the day but inside, I am a mess.  I feel like the outside of me looks normal but the inside of me is in a fog, unfocused most of the time. I keep extremely busy both inside and outside but it's not enough.  He is in my mind constantly.  I feel like I'm going crazy.  I am so lucky because I have so many people in my life that care about me but I just want Jim back.

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Spouse, Partner Loss / Re: Been a month
« on: June 26, 2017, 07:35:29 PM »
Hi Mark,
I'm glad to hear that you went away.  I was thinking about you during that time and hoping that you would be with people that care about you. It's still hard but it lessens the time that you have alone to think and re-think everything. I guess that we will always have so many special days that we have to learn to handle in the best way that we know how. 
I completely understand that you would be putting in extra time with your guitar. You seem to be adding more things to your routine...is that because you want to be really busy or does it really help you cope?  I guess keeping your mind busy is very important.
You give me hope that some things will get better.  It would be nice to cook again or to eat for some other reason than to just survive.

4
Spouse, Partner Loss / 2 months tomorrow
« on: June 12, 2017, 06:16:13 AM »
Well, it will be two months tomorrow since Jim passed.  These have been the longest two months of my life. I am starting to fill some of my time but I still have a lot of bad days...I miss him every second of the day but I am trying really hard to think of good memories rather than wondering why all the time.  That won't bring him back.  If I could think of anything that would do that, I would do it in a heartbeat.  He was such an amazing, vibrant person and to have been taken so suddenly, makes my heart break.  When you lose your spouse, you lose the present and your future but most importantly, it's the everyday life that hurts the most.  I miss his weird and wonderful sense of humor, his extraordinary hugs that made me feel so safe and just the ordinary, day to day conversations that we had.  I miss eating dinner with him and walking the dog, our Saturday morning running around doing errands.  I find myself always wanting to talk to him and share the little things that happened throughout the day and then I remember that I can't and it makes me so incredibly sad....I just simply miss all of HIM.
Tomorrow is also his son's birthday.  That will be a hard day for him on top of Father's Day this Sunday.  They were very close and days like those coming up make the senselessness of what happened come to the forefront of your mind again.  It feels like this will always be front and center and I wonder how people continue on with such a big hole in their heart.  I always feel like I have this incredible ache inside and it will be there forever.  I hurt for his son tomorrow.
Jim's 60th Birthday is also coming up on June 20.  There are just too many "firsts" that have happened in two months.  In May, I thought that might make things easier, to get them out of the way, but now I wonder if it's just too much too soon.  You just get over one day and then the next is right there and you can feel the emotion building and there is absolutely nothing you can do about it.  Those of Jim's family that are in the area are going to celebrate his birthday together so I am looking forward to being with all the people that meant so much to him....especially his Mom. 
I know everyone says that life continues on but at this point in time, I wonder how that happens.  I know my life will never be the same, I know I have incredible people in my life that support me but I just miss him so much.  Jim and I lost quite a few friends in their 50's and we always said that if you make it through your 50's, you should live until you're 90.  He was so close...2 months away.  I will make it through this but I always wonder who I will be at the end.  It's not possible to go through this heartache and be the same person.  I have always been very positive and I am trying to find some way to stay that way but losing Jim tests every positive thought that I have ever had. Trying to stay busy works best but when you are alone, there are an awful lot of hours to fill and only so much energy to do anything.  I was an avid reader but so far, I haven't been able to pick up a book at all.  Is that normal?  That would help fill a lot of time.
Sometimes, I have a good day and I think I am handling everything very well and then the next day, I am just lost. I still have about a two hour window away from our home before I get anxious and I have left it that if you want to see me, you have to come to our home but my list of people that I want to see keeps getting shorter and shorter. It would be very easy to just be alone but thankfully, I have people that are very important to me who won't allow that to happen.  I just want to go back to March and do this differently so that the outcome is that I still have Jim.
JustMark, I am thinking of you this week and I know that it will be a very hard week for you. I hope you have family and friends around to support you through a few more difficult days.

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Spouse, Partner Loss / Re: 26 days
« on: May 20, 2017, 06:45:00 AM »
Hi Mark,
Last weekend was pretty rough emotionally.  I decided that I wanted to be alone so I told everyone that I was "hibernating" for the weekend.  I was prepared for a very hard, emotional weekend and I wanted to be alone.  That was the worst idea...I went to the cemetery on Sunday - our anniversary- and that was the way that I started my day.  Thankfully, my sister and my daughter decided to ignore my wishes and my sister and brother in law came by Sunday morning and my daughter and family surprised me and dropped by in the afternoon with dinner. I was a little resentful at first, but I ended up spending the day with my daughter, her husband and my little grandchildren...who can be sad around all that love?  They keep me grounded as I know they are hurting but they don't need to be in an atmosphere of sadness.  So, for that time that they are here, I pretend that I'm okay and then for a few hours, I really am.
I'm sorry that you also have both days happening at the same time...it's hard. My best advice is to have people around you even if you don't think that this is what you want.  They take a little bit of the pain away but you can also talk about Gina and remember the good times and you have someone to hug when you feel overwhelmed.  They feel the loss as well...not in the same way, of course but they also loved Gina. 
I wonder sometimes, if it's easier to have all the "firsts" so soon after or if it would be better if it happened later?  I think it would be hard regardless of how much time passes, it's going to be hard for a long time.
I did take your advice from a previous post.  We live on an acreage and Jim used to do all the lawn cutting so I decided to have a friend teach me how to run the lawn tractor.  I cried the first time I got on it as it just reminded me of Jim, he loved doing it.  The next time, I cut all the grass and did the rest with the gas lawn mower.  It took almost all day but it was a nice feeling when I was done. 
Jim always planted our vegetable garden this weekend with our grandchildren.  I just helped maintain it after the fact...weeding and eating the vegetables.  I wasn't going to plant one this year but have decided that I will plant it, on a smaller scale, with the grandchildren and carry on the tradition...that's our plan next weekend as we still had frost today.  Jim would like that.
I don't feel that it's getting any easier....in fact, it feels like it gets harder each day.  I feel like I am replacing Jim by doing the things that he did.  Rationally, I know that if I want to stay here, they have to get done but other times, I think I'll just leave them so that he can do them and then I remember that he isn't coming home.  I still only go out if I have to, other than walking my dog, I pretty much stay in the house.  I have no motivation to plant flowers or do the little things to make the yard prettier. I am very aware that I have to try a little harder as it would be so easy to feel sorry for myself and become reclusive but its so very hard.  We did so much together and it's all the little, everyday things that I miss so much.  I miss his voice.
I learn a lot from reading your posts, thank you for that. Deep down, I know we will all get through this but it's the hardest thing to fathom right now.


6
Spouse, Partner Loss / 26 days
« on: May 08, 2017, 01:57:46 PM »
Jim has been gone 26 days now and I seem to miss him more each day.  His one month date is coming up on Saturday and our 12th wedding anniversary is on Sunday.  I don't know how to make it through this weekend.  We were together for 17 years and when we met, it was just like we had been waiting for each other.  We loved each other completely and even though we had separate interests, we spent so much time together.  He was my very best friend and loved me despite my faults and I felt the same with him.  I just feel totally lost.
For the past two weeks, I have tried to go out once a week by myself but it's so hard to do.  I find that I quickly run in and do what I have to do and then I come home where I feel safe.  Even when I'm home, I just wander.  I have lots of things that I could be doing to keep me busy but I just lock the doors and do nothing.  I have friends that come by and I'm fine if they come here but everything just seems to be getting harder. My daughters, grandchildren and sister come by and they are wonderful. We have great visits but when they leave, I don't know what to do.
I have a growing resentment to some family members and that is eating at me.  I'm not usually like that but I feel like they didn't grieve at all and I find it disrespectful to Jim.  I understand that they won't even come close to feeling like I do but even a mention of his passing would be better than just continuing on with their lives as if nothing happened.  Sometimes I feel like people are expecting me to be more "normal" already and then I wonder if I am just projecting that as I am usually a very strong person and I am definitely not that right now.  How do people get through this?  I bought some grief books but I can't even read them right now. 
Jim's sudden death was due to a medical error and was totally avoidable.  I know I am furious about that but I have really tried to keep the anger outside of the grief.  His case is in the process of being reviewed but I just can't get it out of my mind that it didn't have to happen.  It is devastating and I miss him so much.

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Spouse, Partner Loss / 26 days
« on: May 08, 2017, 01:55:44 PM »
Jim has been gone 26 days now and I seem to miss him more each day.  His one month date is coming up on Saturday and our 12th wedding anniversary is on Sunday.  I don't know how to make it through this weekend.  We were together for 17 years and when we met, it was just like we had been waiting for each other.  We loved each other completely and even though we had separate interests, we spent so much time together.  He was my very best friend and loved me despite my faults and I felt the same with him.  I just feel totally lost.
For the past two weeks, I have tried to go out once a week by myself but it's so hard to do.  I find that I quickly run in and do what I have to do and then I come home where I feel safe.  Even when I'm home, I just wander.  I have lots of things that I could be doing to keep me busy but I just lock the doors and do nothing.  I have friends that come by and I'm fine if they come here but everything just seems to be getting harder. My daughters, grandchildren and sister come by and they are wonderful. We have great visits but when they leave, I don't know what to do.
I have a growing resentment to some family members and that is eating at me.  I'm not usually like that but I feel like they didn't grieve at all and I find it disrespectful to Jim.  I understand that they won't even come close to feeling like I do but even a mention of his passing would be better than just continuing on with their lives as if nothing happened.  Sometimes I feel like people are expecting me to be more "normal" already and then I wonder if I am just projecting that as I am usually a very strong person and I am definitely not that right now.  How do people get through this?  I bought some grief books but I can't even read them right now. 
Jim's sudden death was due to a medical error and was totally avoidable.  I know I am furious about that but I have really tried to keep the anger outside of the grief.  His case is in the process of being reviewed but I just can't get it out of my mind that it didn't have to happen.  It is devastating and I miss him so much.

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Parent Loss / Re: I lost my mom April 10th 2017
« on: May 08, 2017, 01:30:24 PM »
Hi Dawnshy,
I am sorry to hear about your Mom.  Moms are special. My Mom passed away in 1996 under different circumstances than yours but it's so hard.  My husband passed away suddenly on April 13, 2017 and like JustMark, I am wondering about the isolation and anger as well and wondering if we are talking about the same thing.  I am not totally avoiding the loss of my husband but I am staying very close to home with my dog.  I am uncomfortable going out in public by myself because I am afraid I will lose it somewhere other than home.   Is that why you're isolating yourself? 

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Main / Re: Any one ever on here
« on: May 06, 2017, 08:26:26 AM »
Hi Lacemaker,

I am also new here and am going through the sudden death of my husband.  You do know what you are doing....when I posted the first time, my thoughts were exactly the same as yours.  I thought that no one cared and wondered why there had been no responses to my post.  I think most people do what I have been doing...reading other posts to find someone that I can connect to, someone that is in the same time frame of grief as I am.  The stories shared will help you to realize that you are not alone nor are you going crazy.  Sometimes, just reading the other posts is comforting as you can see that there are so many people that share the same heartbreak as you do. 

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Main / Re: Where is everyone from?
« on: May 06, 2017, 08:19:44 AM »
HI,
I am also from Canada.  We live on an acreage south of Calgary, Alberta.  I am new here and it makes me feel much better to read the posts from people that know exactly what this is like.

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Spouse, Partner Loss / Re: I'm new here
« on: May 03, 2017, 06:37:45 AM »
Thank you for your kind words, Mark and I am sorry to hear about Gina.  Your posts were actually the first ones that I read as I felt that you were almost in the same time frame as I am and I wanted to see how you felt after one month.
It makes me feel better to know that others experience some of the things that I am going through and you do provide some hope.  Makes me feel like I may not be going crazy after all.  The eating is hard.  I know I should but nothing is appealing.  I'm sure that at some point that will change.  My dog also reacts whenever I hear or think I see something.  It is reassuring in a way.

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Spouse, Partner Loss / It's been three weeks
« on: May 03, 2017, 06:17:19 AM »
It's been three weeks since Jim has been home.  Yesterday was my birthday and I just kept thinking that if I get through this day, Jim will be home tomorrow.  I couldn't wait until the day ended but when I woke up this morning, he wasn't here. My heart feels like it's breaking as I just can't comprehend not ever seeing him again. I just can't go there. He was my very best friend.  He made me laugh a lot, he made me cry and he made me mad but he always made me feel loved.  I felt a sense of peace whenever he was with me because I knew I was safe. We had our own interests but when we were together, we did everything together.  We cooked, walked the dog, did dishes together...the list goes on and on.  I try to fill my days but even the little everyday things remind me of him and I feel like I can't do anything that doesn't remind me of him. It's not fair.  He had everything to live for and he took such good care of himself so that we would have another 30 years together.
Our house still feels so peaceful.  It was our sanctuary and sometimes I feel that he is still here.  Alarms go off for no reason and loud noises occur where I can't find the source.  I keep thinking that it's Jim trying to let me know that he's still here but other times, I just think I am losing my mind.  I have a two hour window to be with my friends and family.  After that, my mind gets angry and I just want them to leave so that I don't have to pretend that I'm interested in their normal lives. Then I feel mean and ungrateful because they have been so supportive.  I don't know what I would have done without them. I started writing to Jim and telling him about all the everyday things that are happening.  It started out as a couple of pages per day and now I am up to 7 or 8 per day.  Then I feel like it's a crazy thing to do but I don't want to forget anything, just in case. How on earth do people survive this?  I miss him indescribably.

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Spouse, Partner Loss / Re: I'm new here
« on: April 29, 2017, 06:23:38 AM »
It's been a little over two weeks and it feels like forever and I can't comprehend that.  I want to see Jim so much.  last night, I heard the door opening and I ran but he wasn't there.  I feel like I am losing my mind. I keep pretending that he is on a holiday and will be home soon.  He was diagnosed with Severe Aplastic Anemia in March.  It was supposed to be treatable and then he had a headache one night that was actually a brain bleed.  Because of his disease, his blood didn't clot so they couldn't operate. I called an ambulance and went to the hospital with him but he was already in a coma.  I still thought that they could fix him this wasn't supposed to happen to us. I miss him so much he was the kindest man

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Jim's birthday is June 20, 1957
Jim's angel date is April 13, 2017

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Spouse, Partner Loss / I'm new here
« on: April 28, 2017, 05:06:10 PM »
I just saw this site through the funeral home that I used.  I'm not sure that I am posting properly as I have never done this before.
My husband passed away suddenly and unexpectedly on April 13.  We were both in second marriages and from the beginning, it was like we were soul mates.  He was my very best friend and was there for me always. We will be married 12 years on May 14. He was only 59.  He was the kindest, most sincere person that I have ever met. He helped everyone that met him, even in his death. I had family here until yesterday morning and now I don't know what to do.  Everyone says to keep busy but there are too few things to do to fill the hours in a day.  I just want to sleep and wake up from this nightmare.  I keep expecting him to walk in the door or to hear his voice.  This makes no sense to me at all.  He took care of himself physically, ate properly and loved life.  I just want him back.

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