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Messages - JustMark

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Hi Natalieb, you can seek counseling help for him all day and night but there isn't much anyone can do until he wants it or is open to it and sees where it may benefit him and help him get back to life as normal. You can't want it for him. If you force it he could resent it, feel your meddling or trying to control him. He will need to see that he needs help or that his behavior is destructive or detrimental somehow and it sounds like he is isolating or withdrawing and maybe wants to dwell on memories of the past with his mom.  Also he may have deep seated resentment towards his biological and feel he was abandoned by him. I don't know how his mother raised him or how she explained to him at an early age why his father wasn't around. He could be trying to find answers to questions about life. He might be open to talking to clergy. He may also need professional help and medications. The loss of a parent can be devastating especially with this being the only parent that raised him.
Bare with me I'm just an outsider looking in so to say. I don't have a background in psychiatry, medicine or anything like that. I'm also not a councilor I just try to explain things that worked for me or get advice on dealing with loss. I'm more then happy to talk to him but I doubt you can get him in front of a computer to talk to me and even if you did the issue is would he open up. Probably not. Most likely he would think of excuses to get out of the situation unless he knows he needs it.

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Spouse, Partner Loss / Re: Gina's Birthday
« on: September 13, 2017, 01:23:58 PM »
Thank you Terry. yesterday I did have a pleasant surprise in that it called to mind one of her most memorable birthdays for me. I remembered her other birthdays and there was one birthday after I was diagnosed with my back and hip that I closed my construction company and money was non existent for us. It was her very first birthday I celebrated with her on September 12th 2007 and my fledgling construction company was starting to take off and 5 men working for me. . We were rehabbing house in Baltimore and It was a very happy occasion.  Gina liked helping with some of the construction that wasn't too physically demanding like painting, drywall taping and spackling. I acted like I didn't know or had forgotten her birthday. We were on our way out to the job sight. I was driving the truck and she was driving the car as she would occasionally pick up two of the guys as they were a one car family and their wives would need to use their car. I told her I had to leave the house a little early to hit the hardware store on the way out to the jobsite to pick more joint compound and drywall. One of the guys would drive to the house in the morning to help with load up of tools and equipment and ride with me to the site. Anyway I actually raced to the closest grocer to pick up a cake, candles, sodas I also hit the dunkin donuts to make sure I took out some fresh coffee for everyone so I picked up one of their boxes of joe and a container of dunkin munchkins and high tailed it to the heart of Baltimore. I also hit a local eatery around the corner from the jobsite and made arrangements for lunch for everyone to be dropped off around noon. Anyway we got to the jobsite and the cooler was a two man carry so Xavier, the guy with me and I stuck the cooler in the house real fast and threw the sodas in it with ice. and we started setting up for a small party and got every thing I bought inside and left most of the tools and equipment on the truck like we were still doing our normal unloading waiting for the guys to show up. Gina got there earlier then I expected so the two that road in with her and the others that pulled up began unloading the equipment like normal. I started talking to Gina off to the side about a billing issue I encountered at the hardware store that morning so she couldn't see the guys quickly finishing up the set up of things and keeping balloons out of sight. About 5 minutes passed and guys were finished and Gina was by the truck facing the street with her back towards the house. I was facing the house when Gina and I were talking and two of the guys quietly sneaked  into the bed of the truck with buckets of confetti.  The guys were standing with the buckets and I still had Gina's undivided attention. I leaned over like one of the guys were motioning to get my attention to get started on the work for the day. I lifted my left hand and pointed a finger up like I was signaling to give me one minute. I looked at Gina and said wait let me get the guys going and we can pick the conversation back up and started walking towards the house and as soon as Gina turned around it was confetti all over the place and most of it on Gina. Two of the guys had those aerosol horns blasting and they had also quickly put a homemade "Happy Birthday Gina" sign over the door of the house. She had such a surprised look on her face as she went into the half gutted house she saw the balloons and cake with candles and we all sang happy birthday. She couldn't believe I pulled of the surprise and we really didn't get much done that day so we knocked off after lunch. It was a good hard working crew and they deserved a break anyway. The funniest part is after things settled down somewhat before lunch and everyone was sitting around talking. We all got a very good laugh with Gina. I was so convincing when I discussed the billing issue earlier I had to explain to her there really wasn't a billing issue I just used it to stall for time so the guys could finish setting up as Gina wanted to finish discussing it.   

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Child Loss / Re: I lost my Son Derek on 6/18/2017
« on: September 06, 2017, 03:14:12 PM »
Jules I'm sorry to hear about your son. I can only imagine the questions running through your mind. That is natural. Don't blame yourself or run through the what if and what could have beens. It will drive you nuts. I don't know what his medical problems were or if they stemmed from his alcoholism or if he died because of the alcoholism. I'm not even sure your staying home would have prevented it at best it may have only postponed it if it was alcohol related. We can only protect them from themselves so much. It sounds like this is a very fresh wound and it's normal for family members to blame themselves when in reality they cannot take responsibility for the alcoholics actions or results of the alcoholics actions.  There is a very good chance that the autopsy wouldn't have revealed anything different at all. What the leading cause of heart attack is a person's life style. That's exactly what my wife Gina died from was heart attack, no autopsy was done and she wasn't an alcoholic and she did have medical problems. Heck with Gina at first I thought it may have been an accidental overdose of her pain meds and I started wondering if I had done something wrong but later after some thought I realized she didn't abuse her medications and she had been on the medications for years and how they were administered hadn't changed either so it wasn't an accidental over dose. So with it being a heart attack how would you staying home prevented it?

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Child Loss / Re: 11 years today
« on: September 06, 2017, 02:33:12 PM »
Amen. That's a very good prayer Brokenhearted. It says a lot from the heart

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Child Loss / Re: ((((Paula))))
« on: September 06, 2017, 02:22:18 PM »
Hi Brokenhearted Mama, I know the anniversaries hurt as it was 16 years ago we lost my dad and the last couple days of August still get me. I'm sorry Kate is getting into trouble. I'm not sure how old she is but I did have similar problems with my oldest Dawn but after a few years Dawn did turn her life around and been doing good ever since and she is now in her early thirties. But I still worry about her sometimes.

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Parent Loss / Re: (JustMark) Dad's Angel Date
« on: August 31, 2017, 12:11:38 AM »
Thank you girls, sometimes just venting helps in dealing with the grief and yes Terry I love my dad very much. In fact all three of his sons do. I'm the middle child and all three of us will tell anyone we couldn't have had better parents like my mom and dad. None of us boys were born in the US my two brothers Bobby and David were born in Germany and I was born in France as during my dad's military career we moved around where ever he was assigned. In my case back then we had active army posts in France. It was in the 60's and parts of Germany were still rebuilding from the war. Then in 68 dad got reassigned in the US as he only had two or three more years to retire after 30 years of service. As far as I know it was also the first time I set foot on US soil and I was born in 61. Mom says she sees dad in all 3 of us boys and my youngest brother David looks identical to my dad in pictures I've seen of my dad when he was in the jungles of Burma. Anyway he didn't get to retire at 30 years. In 69 he requested a retirement packet and they sent him a reassignment packet and did his 2nd tour of duty in Vietnam. When his tour was up he came home and finally got to retire after 32 years of service. Yes Terry some memories are like an endless loop of video for me but for some vets and others that are not vets that have experienced traumatic events to describe some of those memories as video is somewhat inaccurate because when someone hears the word video it has the connotation that they are watching a scene and not part of the scene. Anyway I'm doing to try and get some sleep tomorrow will not be a day at the beach for me.

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Parent Loss / Re: (JustMark) Dad's Angel Date
« on: August 30, 2017, 12:17:55 AM »
Thank you Terry, yes it's now 16 years since he passed. I still remember rushing to the ER after my mom called me at work. Over the phone she didn't tell me what was wrong  just that they were at the ER and it didn't look good. I got there around 8:30 am and a staff member lead me to one of the patient rooms towards the back of the ER. The staff member mentioned my mom and dad were in ther and to just take my time. It struck me as being odd that they would say to take my time but just as soon as I go into view of my dad laying on the table and my mom standing by his side holding his hand I knew exactly why they said it. There was IV tubing still attached to him and and empty IV bag laying at his side.  You could teel that whatever staff members had worked on him that they were rushing when they worked. My mom looked at me with tears in her eyes and and said she almost got 50 years out of because the 30th was their 50th wedding anniversary. So my eyes started tearing up and my mom said take some time with him and I'll go sit down. So I walked over and grabbed his hand and ran my other hand across his forehead and gently stroked it. As I stood there looking at his face and began remembering some of the things he had told me he went through while in service and what can only be described as he had been through hell his last couple of months. After a few minutes mom came over and put her hand on my shoulder and mentioned that really he had died the way he wanted to at home in her arms. She said they worked on him continuously from the time they arrived at the house, on the ambulance on the way in and even after they hit the ER but she knew he was already gone by the time they arrived at the house. I looked at my mom and said I agree. I mentioned her dad had the opportunity to get some things off his chest with what he went through in the army that no one else but me knew not even her and she nodded her head that she understood because others that haven't experienced war could not understand.  Also from my own military experiences I don't think any soldier would want to go any other way then at home and in peace.  I told my mom I had to let Cathy, who I was with at the time,  as she was out in the waiting area and I told mom I would be right back. As I entered the waiting area Cathy could tell by the look on my face it was bad news. She came up and asked if I was ok and I said not really and told her about my dad and she began crying. I gave her a min or two to regain her composure but  I reminded her mom was still back there as she had come in via ambulance with dad and we would soon have to go in order to make arrangements and contact people. So I went back to the room. So me and mom said our farewells to dad and we left and met Cathy in the waiting area and left. I made sure to pick up breakfast for mom on the way to her house and after we got there the first two people I called were my brothers. The rest of the day seemed surreal and I had never been involved in funeral arrangements at all but we got things done. When Cathy and I got home that night I remembered it was Cathy's birthday. She said she wasn't worried about it and she understood. She said we can just go out next week after things with dad are taken care of.Anyway the following day there was two viewing one in the afternoon and one in the evening and people from all over came to pay their respects, and the next day on the 31st which was my dads birthday was the funeral and he was buried with full military honors for thirty two years of service. Everyone knows about the military tradition of presenting the flag to the spouse or closest next of kin attending the funeral. There is also another tradition that goes with that flag that a lot of people aren't aware of unless they received the flag from the color guard. When the color guard fires their rifle the one of the riflemen collects the spent shell casings from the ground. Some of those casings are handed over to be stored with the flag in it's flag case. One shell for each war the vet or deceased service member fought in. With my dad's flag there are three casing one for WW2, one for Korea and one for Nam.

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Spouse, Partner Loss / Re: Been a month
« on: August 28, 2017, 08:27:31 PM »
Well as of tonight we have now hit a stretch of time during the year in which almost every single day are anniversaries of key events in my life. They continue up to and include September 11th and then Gina's birthday on the 12th. Most of the memories of these anniversaries are sad and solemn for me but not all. There are one or two good ones like Gina's birthday. Although the memories of Gina's birthdays are happier times I still know I will get melancholy and yet still cherish them. So don't be surprised if you see me post more then usual as I'll probably vent I guess you could say. This is also the first year this string of anniversaries start on the 28th instead of the 29th as in previous years.

So what is so significant about this August 28th for me?  Today at this time last year Gina and I lost Sarge and loosing Sarge was the turning point that brought on the rapid decline of Gina. When Sarge passed it was a total surprise because we had no indication anything wrong or out of the ordinary. Gina sort of blamed herself for not being there with him. We had checked Sarge around 8:00 and he was laying down in the bedroom as he usually does and then we went into our office across the hall from the bedroom and we watched a few videos on youtube and I noted something out of the corner of my I and by then Sarge was laying at the door to the bedroom and something seemed odd to me and I got up to check and Gina was right behind me. Sarge was already gone. That something odd I caught in the corner of my eye was Sarge's final reflex.

Sarge was a very remarkable dog. I've owned several over the years and been around trainers and other dogs all my life but Sarge was different. Sarge was trained to be my service dog. Towards the end of his training he somehow adapted his training to not only help me but also Gina. He also would help others when he could. Out in public if Sarge seen someone with crutches, wheel chair, walker or maybe a special needs child he would give me a look like dad can I  and I would tell him go ahead. He would go up to them and walk along side so that if the person lost balance they could grab his collar and steady themselves. if they needed to get something off the floor he would go over and get it for them so they wouldn't have to bend over and if they did he would get close to them so he could help them like he does me. When I go grocery shopping or other stores because of the situation with my back the dogs are trained to get towards the front of me so I can put my hand right about the center of shoulder blades are so that they can take part of my weight, save wear and tare on my back and less pain, also so I can balance while reaching for the bottom shelf. Most of the people he tried to help didn't know what he was up to. So I would tell them he's trying to help you like he does me. Anyway I do miss the heck out of Sarge especially with Gina passing. Sarge was the father of the litter and Dainy was the mom we lost her July 29th 2013. I think it's a good thing that Ben is here with me right now. When the pups were still here before they left later in 2009 Ben's original name was "Big Man" and he is just like his dad Sarge not only in looks but also behavior. He's not as big as Sarge but he was called Big Man because he was the biggest of the litter. I doubt he will be as thoroughly trained as was because some things he may not learn because of his age but he is trying.

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Spouse, Partner Loss / Re: Been a month
« on: August 19, 2017, 12:10:45 AM »
Well it's now 5 months since Gina has passed. Wednesday on Gina's anniversary, the psych doctor that I was scheduled to see the 28th to start me back on meds called me and let me know she could see me that afternoon after my appointment with my doctor. I said sure two weeks early works for me. So after I met with my psychologist I met my new psychiatrist and I think she is going to work out well with me. She is friendly, professional and I found her easy to talk to. She also sent me home with a relaxation CD. That seems to work pretty good. Also this week I have noted Ben seems to be responding to training much better then expected. Without command he is now stopping at curbs to assist me in stepping up onto or down from a curb. Working with a service dog I wear the leash over one shoulder so my hands are free to carry things or brace myself on things like hand rails and such. I noted there is no tension in his leash about 80% of the time and he tries to keep his neck in line with my hip. Which is where he is supposed to be. I still find him allowing himself to get distracted but not as often as he did when we first started and while on the leash he is now ignoring other dogs.

The week started off with bad news. A friend of mine of almost 50 years named Tim lost his battle with cancer. Tim was a heck of a guitarist. Another mutual friend of the same length of time named Wayne posted on his facebook page that Tim had been diagnosed with terminal cancer and for everyone to keep him in their prayers on the 11th. As soon as I seen it posted I called David my brother, who was also a friend of Tim's and we were going to go visit him Tuesday the 15th but it wasn't going to happen. On the evening of the 12th, less then 24 hours of Wayne posting the diagnosis, Wayne announced Tim's passing. Wayne and Tim are playing in a southern rock band and I had spoken to Wane and mentioned I had returned to playing music back in June and we were going to jam from time to time in a couple more months when I was ready. There is also another singer guitarist from the old neighborhood named Walt that was going to sit in as well. Walt and I played in the same band during my pro days and it was Walt and I that first taught some things to Tim on guitar when he first started playing back in around 74 or 75. Walt is also presently in a band as well. Donna, Tim's wife had him cremated and there wasn't any viewings because that is what Tim wanted. Donna also mentioned that Tim wanted to remembered in good health and good times and that he also wanted a celebration of life in the form of big jam session with musicians he knew or bands he played in. IN talking to Wayne we got the impression Donna and Tim's mom needed financial help in some of Tim's expenses. So Wayne has coordinated the celebration / fundraiser September 30th Tim and Wayne's band is playing and so is Walt's band and a couple of other additional musicians including me and probably my younger brother too. Yes Wayne talked me into it. I wasn't going to at first but Wayne listened to me on my old bass and said your a little rusty but you still sound good. I don't think anyone will be expecting you to run circles around Geddy Lee or a 2nd Stanley Clark, besides you'll recognize some of the other players. You have played with several of them before they just don't know you returned to playing. It will be like old times. Just play a few Skynyrd songs. Just let me know 4 or 5 songs you want to do the week before so we can work them in. So if you are in the Baltimore area and looking for something to do the on 30th of September your welcome to stop on in and here me and other musicians.

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Main / Re: New to Group
« on: August 11, 2017, 12:50:58 PM »
Hi Lorimarie, I'm glad to meet you and you are more then welcome here. From the bottom of my heart I'm sorry about your husband and the news about your son. Those burdens can be hard to carry alone. It's also hard at time to find someone that can relate to what you are going through. So we try to help each other around here. We talk about what we are going through or what works for us so that others coming here looking for support and answers on coping with loss can come here for help. So I guess you could say everyone that comes here has given helpful advice as well as gotten helpful advice. We also do not judge others here nor try to correct people. Regardless of the exact reason why people come here we respect everyone and treat everyone equally because we all understand what it's like in one form or another. So if you are going through a rough spot don't be afraid to share it. If you have advice or experience you think may help someone don't be afraid to share that too. No one that comes here is a final authority on grieving all of us are just students of it in various stages of development.

I came to this site just this last April in seeking support for the passing of my wife this last March. Unknown to me at the time I found during the grieving process with my wife I still hadn't gotten over the death of my dad back in 2001. I also have medical and health issues as well, I'm just too stubborn to let them hold me back and I will often say I'm only disabled but far from unabled. Sometimes I will also say I'm handicapable.  My disabilities only slow me down. They do not stop me. I guess you could say I learned those 2 lessons from my multiply handicapped daughter named Angel. So I can definitely relate to some of what you are going through and in other parts perhaps not. I will admit that Angel has a genetic disorder and wasn't diagnosed with cancer but with Angel we are in completely uncharted territory. I lost count of the number of times the doctors has given her a certain length of time to live or what she will not do and she just keeps proving the doctors wrong.  In 1985 just after she was born they said she wouldn't live past 3 and then they changed it when she got close to 3 and then changed it again and now she is 32 and the doctors don't predict with her anymore. There were times it was touch and go with Angel but she has turned out to be quite a good teacher for me as well as a very loving daughter. So our steps or exact walk through life maybe different and yet they can also be similar enough to understand.

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Spouse, Partner Loss / Re: Been a month
« on: August 03, 2017, 09:27:54 PM »
Hi Lacemaker, all music is spiritual in one form or another. It's a 20 session course I am taking and today after 3 months I am starting session 7 which is barre chords. It will be a good review for me. For me music is more then just soothing. Yes I can express all my emotions with it. Even though people hear me talk about bass I also wasn't half bad on a 6 string acoustic. A lot of young guitar players think the key to being a good guitarist is who can play the fastest lead and they are wrong. Mechanically...... it may sound like a good song but it's lacking something. The truth is really you could be slow as heck but when the crowd is captivated feels your emotion that is the key to being a good guitarist. A good example is the difference between lets say Eddie Van Halen playing eruption or George Harrison's lead in as my guitar gently weeps. Both of them are good songs and Eddie is a lot faster then George Harrison but the one most people will likely stop and listen to...........as my guitar gently weeps because it has emotion it's also considerably slower.
There is one piece I am presently working on learning to perform at the end of this course. Look up an artist named Estas Tonne and the title is "Song of the Golden Dragon". It will also give you an idea of the caliber of player and the kinds of songs I played on acoustic way back in the late 70's and very early 80's and here *I am relearning barre chords.

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Child Loss / Re: Loss of Son
« on: July 30, 2017, 10:00:46 PM »
Hi Bonnie, I hope your mom is ok. At her age sometimes the healing from injuries takes a long time. You probably know that already. My mom is 86 and two or 3 years ago she fell and cracked a rib. Took her several months to get over it. I can fully understand how your mom being bandaged reminded you of your son and would trigger a reaction from you. I learned early on that moms are special people and it sounds like your son did too. I also think Gina knew she would be going but wouldn't talk to me about it. We had joined an online church because of relying on God and she couldn't get out. I do know she complained about feeling guilty for me caring for her or her not pulling her weight or helping around the house like she used to. Quite often I would reassure her she wasn't a burden and I meant it. I used to tell her I fully well understood what I was getting into after what I had been through with my daughter and then hearing about her 10 surgeries and what she went through before we met. I told her I would still willingly marry her. I also often told her after looking at the circumstances and situations we were living in our individual lives before we met I understood why God brought our paths together and our lives were intertwined from there on. Anyway like your son I believe Gina knew she would soon be going. Also like your son I believe he had a special mom too. I'm not sure if you stay in touch with your grandsons or not. Maybe they are busy caught up in life, maybe trying concentrate on climbing the corporate ladder, working their buts off to keep a roof over their head or busy in college trying to launch new careers or a half dozen other things I can think of that I and other people have done at their ages and call them if you haven't seen or heard from them recently. I have no doubts that they do or say things that will remind you of Tom and perhaps you can let them know that Tom is still having a positive impact in the world and living through them. My mom calls me and my two brothers every year on August 31st my dad's birthday to remind us of the same thing I just told you about. She lets us know of things we do or have done that remind her of our dad  and we, his sons, continue to let the lessons he taught us continue to impact the world in a positive way and we thank God he gave me and my brothers a good roll model for us to become good dads too.

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Spouse, Partner Loss / Re: Been a month
« on: July 30, 2017, 08:01:36 PM »
Thanks for asking Raven. Ben seems to have settled in nicely but I am still allowing him time to acclimate with the other dogs before I attempt to introduce them one at a time. Because Ben was raised separate from his litter mates that have been living here all these years is they are a pack and think that way. Where as Ben is used to not having to compete with being the center of canine attention with the humans in a house hold. So we are still taking it gradually. I'm making sure he has some alone time with me every day so that he realizes he doesn't have to compete for attention at the same time it's affording Sox, Tunnie and Two Toez the opportunity to gradually accept him into the pack. So before long I will be able to let Sox, Tunnie and Two Toez meet individually and asses from there whether more time  or something else is needed.  I have gotten back to the guitar and my lessons. I also bought my first electric acoustic with acoustic amp. It was a beginners set. All the basic necessities for guitar playing but the quality of the guitar isn't the greatest but the amp alone was worth the investment. So next month I'll buy a pick up or transducer for my clasical guitar and get a luthier or guitar tech to install it.  As far as the electric acoustic that came with the set it's ok for playing chords and rythm and as it turns out it's good as a slide guitar. So next month I'm also going to buy a slide for it and put the shot glass I had been using on it for now back in the souvenir rack. Of course that just means I'll have to buy a decent steel string electric acoustic later.

In hitting the music stores for supplies and slowly accumulating odds and ends here and there these last few months I did manage to find a good bass amp at a pawn shop. All I had before was an amp for an electric 6 string I had been using for my bass but it didn't give those deep rich bottoms only a bass amp can give to a bass. I also bought a looper pedal and sound effects software I loaded on my laptop and smart phone along with the cables and adapters so I can plug my bass or my other guitars  into the laptop then plug the laptop into the looper peddle then amp. Why go to all the expense of buying all those separate effects peddles or spend $500 or more on a multiple effects pedal or rack processor when all you need is software and a laptop or smart phone and a few cable adapters. The only other effects I would need to get is a wahwah pedal and talk box and I would have them all. I have also been eying up an archtop hollow body for jazz, a six string bass, keyboard amp, synthesizer and small mixing and recording setup. So no I haven't put the guitar down or music away. I'm just getting started again after all these years. Maybe I forgot to mention it but Gina used to say "the only difference between the men and the boys are the price of the toys".  I still have no idea where she got that idea from :)
 
It just seems to hit me in spurts for 3 to 4 days at a time that I don't want to do anything. It's not only due to the loss of Gina but also the symptoms of depression. I never meant to come off of my meds or loose touch with a psych monitoring my prescriptions but when I started caring for Gina everything for my self got placed on hold. Naturally the meds I had got depleted.  The Veterans admin has a new psych assigned to me and I meet with them for the first time on August 25th. There is a 90 day wait due to availability but they aren't trying to hide it or BS about it like they did before the scandal. In the meantime they have me seeing a psychologist every two weeks. When the scandal broke in 2014 I sort of did a transition into the private sector. So I guess you could say I'm returning to the VA but I haven't seen any changes except one real big one and an important one. I no longer get the sense that the staff and doctors have the us against the vet attitude and they really do want to work or care for me and other vets. I no longer feel like I'm a number there and the medical staff is now asking me for ideas and suggestions not only on how they can improve but to see what sort of ideas I may have about my own treatment. Heck even an ortho doctor asked me about preference for type of replacement hip I would like. So I told them from a mechanical engineering perspective why I would never put a metal on metal hip or replace any joint in the human body with metal on metal. He acted surprised that I knew what I was talking about. I told him the same laws of physics, math and chemistry apply to the inside the human body that apply outside of it, including to the industrial systems I used to design. Anyway even if there are other changes I have noticed or not. That change alone is probably the most important one. It means a lot to me and other vets.

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Child Loss / Re: Loss of Son
« on: July 20, 2017, 10:08:49 PM »
Bonnie, I'm sorry about your son and I mean that sincerely. I have not lost a child, so I can only imagine the grief you are experiencing is worse then mine. I do have a multiply handicapped that's 32. For my daughter I am scared that she won't go before me.
I lost my wife 4 months ago. Also between my wife and my dad and I can relate to caring for someone you love for years that and they pass away. Both my wife and my father experienced torturous bouts of pain and I know that feeling of helplessness that you get when you see them go through it. and all you can do is comfort them as best you can. I too suffer with chronic pain with my disabilities but not like they did. I miss them both so terribly but I do take some comfort in that they are no longer suffering. They both went quick and peacefully also like your son. I'm not sure how old your boy was. Gina, my wife went so peacefully I still find it impossible to believe that there wasn't any noise. No thud, no bump no nothing. I was in our office and she took her usual pain meds and waited for them to take effect because she had a tooth ache. She had kissed me on the cheek while I sat at my desk on my computer in our office and said she was going to bed. I told her I wouldn't be much longer. I sat at my desk and watched her go into the bedroom.  A short time later about a half hour or so I turned off my computer and headed to bed and found her on the floor.  So quiet even our dogs didn't alert me like they are trained. One of them was in the bedroom with her only about 8 foot away from where I found her on a hardwood floor. Gina did have a peaceful look on her face that I hadn't seen for quite some time if at all. She had a ventral hernia that ten surgeries couldn't repair before I even met her in  2006.  She had a heart attack.before getting into bed and nothing was disturbed like maybe she was reaching for something or tried to get a hold onto something to steady herself while unbalanced. No signs of any sort of struggling at the last minute either. I still find myself weeping from time to time. Just did yesterday. I'm glad they are not suffering anymore and I did have some emotional forewarning or preparation but it still hurts when they go. I would do anything to have them back as long as they wouldn't be in pain or suffering. 

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Spouse, Partner Loss / Re: 3 months today
« on: July 18, 2017, 10:09:26 PM »
Hi Raven. I imagine it does get better at some point but it sounds like you are right where I have been for the last month and a half or so. I still find myself having to push myself to get something done on some days. There are days I have no motivation to do anything. I yhink this last month I only cooked my self one meal and got back to doing sandwiches and some sort of salad.

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