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Messages - jcohenx

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Spouse, Partner Loss / reply to Dave B
« on: December 24, 2010, 04:32:06 PM »
Thanks jc (and others who responded).

Yeah, it sounds like we're in very similar situations...I'm just behind you by a couple of months.

My wife had Bronchiolitis obliterans, which led to her transplant, but they don't know what caused it. She lived with it for a number of years before transplant, waited 2 years for the transplant, then lasted 9.5 years after transplant. Now it seems like those years have gone by in a flash. She was pretty active after her transplant, and we did lots of fun things, so I have no regrets about that. I just wanted it to last another 9.5 years (and then another...). Seems unfair that she had to go so early, but that's just Gods plan for her.

Yesterday was the first day I didn't descend into almost paralyzing despair. There was a John Wayne marathon on the tv, I think that helped keep me occupied. I haven't tried going back to work after my initial attempt on Monday, but my company has been really good about letting me take whatever time I need. When I do go back, there will be lots of traveling...don't know how I'll do with that. In the past, I used to worry every day about how my wife was doing back home.

I know what you mean about walking in circles. Most of the time I feel like a zombie. I'll get up right in the middle of something (eating or writing a letter) and wander into another room or the garage, then wonder what I'm doing there.

I'm really sorry about the loss of your wife too. Keep hanging in there. Christmas is upon us, and I'm not looking forward to it. There's going to be reminders of her everywhere, and I'm not sure how I'll react. Afterwords I think I'll take a road trip somewhere.

Dave

Hi Dave;

I thought I'd start a new thread so we don't monopolize the Introductions thread.

The more I read the more your situation sounds like mine.  My job also entails a lot of travel.  I am about to start a very stressful project out of state where I'll be gone for at least 2-3 weeks and am trying to psych myself up for it already.  I should really just be glad that I still have a job in today's economy and suck it up but it's so hard.  I have my annual performance review in February and I sit trying to figure out how to answer questions like, "Where do you see yourself in a year?"  "What major accomplishments have you completed this year?"  "What can your manager to do better facilitate your performance."  If you've not worked in corporate America this may not make much sense but we have to do this stuff every year and up to this year it's been pretty straightforward.  The bottom line is that I honestly don't know how good that job is for me anymore.  I don't see how I can be on the road so much and still be able to rebuild my life. 

My wife was never able to be a transplant candidate.  She had very advanced bronchiectasis and had to spend the last 6 weeks of her life on a respirator in an ICU.  It killed me to watch that.  Laura had bad lungs for most of her life and over the years I watched her slowly decompensate from being able to walk and ride bikes to only being able to walk to having to take a car most places, to not being able to walk a block to having home O2 to being back in 5* on machines.  I was hoping that she would make it to 50 but it didn't happen.  Of course, had she made it to 50 I would have said the same thing about 60, 70...  One thing the last few months have taught me is that there is never enough time so you got to make the most of the time you've got.  Nearly ten years after a double lung transplant sounds like a great survival rate but I know that's probably cold comfort now.

Those days when the grief leaves me paralyzed are the worst.  They're like tornadoes, the come without a lot of warning and they can suck all the air out of the room.  If not for friends and family I do not know what I would do to survive.  After having a few major meltdowns with friends and relatives over the phone they finally talked me into getting to see a professional therapist.  I saw two different therapists last week, within 15 minutes they both wanted to put me on SSRI's.  From this I can only conclude that I look worse than I thought and that my prognosis is just not that complicated.  I am too tired to argue anymore.  Maybe they'll help, maybe they won't.  From my research I find that about 65% of patients see some benefit but it usually takes weeks.  If they can prevent even one major meltdown a week then they are probably worth it.

Sorry for being Capt. Buzzkill on Xmas eve.  I'm trying to psych myself up for the next 48 hours.  There's a party tonight at t friends house and I'm going to go to that with my wife's sister.  I strongly suggest that you try to do the same.  Get out of the house and find something somewhere to take your mind off stuff.  You and I both need to find our hours of non-grief (notice I didn't say happiness) where and when we can get them.  I expect it's going to be a long and lonely winter for all of us.  Stay in touch and hang in there.

thanks,

jc

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Spouse, Partner Loss / Re: trazodone
« on: December 23, 2010, 09:03:01 AM »
Thanks, Peggy;

I had used diphenydramine in the past but it leaves me too groggy and dehydrated.  I took a half pill of Trazodone yesterday and it knocked me right out in about 30 min.  Got my first 7 hours of uninterrupted sleep in a long time.  I had not heard anything about weight gain with it but that would not necessarily be a bad thing for me right now (I'm down about 14 lbs since my wife died which puts my BMI at 22.3).  My triglycerides/LDL/HDL are all normal.

thanks again,

jc

3
Spouse, Partner Loss / trazodone
« on: December 22, 2010, 08:49:50 AM »
Does anybody on this board have experience taking Trazodone for sleep?  If so can I get your feedback on the effectiveness and side effects?

thanks,

jc

4
Spouse, Partner Loss / Re: Introductions thread
« on: December 22, 2010, 08:49:01 AM »
Hi, I'm David, aged 54, just lost my wife of 26 years on Dec. 3.

She had a double-lung transplant in 2001, so we both knew this would be coming sooner rather than later (survival rate is just 50% at 5 years, she went over 9 years). Although we didn't really talk in detail about her probable early death, I figured I was more prepared than most people for this.

I wasn't.

This has hit me very hard. I'm having a tough time dealing with it. Thankfully I have my son who still lives at home...he's been a lifesaver to have around (I hope he finds comfort in having me around too). But he has his own circle of friends, and now he's starting to go out more, which means I spend more time alone at home. That's the worst...sitting around home by myself with nothing to do. I have to say that I cry every day (in a safe place...I'm the man, ya know). I still can't believe she's really gone. I spent half my life with this courageous, beautiful woman. I took care of her when she was sick. Now I have nothing to do.

Today I started back to work for the first time since she passed, thinking it would distract me. It didn't. I may have to take some more time off. After work today, I drove to the county park and took a long, solitary walk. That helped a little, and I may do that some more. And actually, after finding this board, just composing this note has helped keep me keep focused on something. Otherwise, I just feel like I'm going crazy.

DaveB

Hi Dave;

So sorry to hear about your wife.  Reading your story sounds a lot like my own.  My wife also died from lung problems about 2 months ago, we were married for 15 but together for 25 years.  I also knew that her lung condition would eventually kill her but I had no idea how bad I would feel when the end finally came.  Did your wife have CF or maybe bronchiectasis?  If so, I can recommend a great site for you.

I also started back to work within 2 weeks of her memorial.  This may have been a mistake in my case.  I clearly was not bringing my A-game (still not really there) and all my co-workers were understandably circumspect.  I tried to focus on little tasks, stay a moving target.  This worked for me for a while but eventually I ran out of momentum and all those feelings I'd been avoiding came flooding back like a tidal wave.  Don't let yourself become a workaholic.  By that I mean don't bury yourself in work as an excuse not to explore how you are feeling.

  Crying everyday is not uncommon and you need to get it out of your system.  I wish that I could tell you that I don't still cry a lot but it's not true.  My meltdowns don't come on a schedule or for any fixed duration of time.  If you feel yourself start to spiral down when at work then you need to take the time off, even if it's just for an hour or two.  Hopefully your work will understand.  On the flip side, if people at work are trying to get you to open up and it makes you uncomfortable then say so.  Just be polite and say, "Let's not do this now."
 
  If you feel like you are going crazy it's because grief like this is a little like going crazy.  I definitely have times when I feel like very neuron in my brain is misfiring.  I walk in circles and talk to myself daily.  It's hard to eat and to sleep and at home I have a type of bone crushing, all-encompassing loneliness that threatens to engulf me entirely.  I wish I could tell you that it's going to get better soon but that would be lying.  All I can tell you is that I've been there, I'm still hurting really badly 2 months later, but I'm still here.

  Keep in touch.

jc

5
Spouse, Partner Loss / how about a laugh
« on: December 19, 2010, 09:39:19 PM »
Heard this one last week and thought I'd share.  Stop me if you've heard it already.

A policeman is patrolling in his cruiser late one Saturday night and encounters a man wandering near an intersection.  He's holding a set of keys in his right hand, his fly is unzipped, and he's looking a little altered.  The officer pulls over, shines his flashlight on the wandering stranger to get his attention and asks him to get off the street.

"Man I'm so glad you're here, officer," the man replies.  "I think somebody stole my car."

"Well, where did you last see it?"

"It was attached to the end of this key." 

The officer, now convinced the man is just drunk suggests to him, "Well why don't you take a cab home, come into the station in the morning and file a report.  In the meantime, you need to zip up your fly, my man."

The wanderer looks down at his fly and replies, "Damn, they got my girlfriend too."


6
Spouse, Partner Loss / Re: A.D.D.
« on: December 19, 2010, 09:32:54 PM »
Hi John;

LOL.  I totally have those moments too.  It's only been a couple months for me.  Keep me posted on your progress.


7
Spouse, Partner Loss / Re: Christmas and Grief
« on: December 19, 2010, 09:31:45 PM »
Thanks for the post.  I needed that this weekend.  Had a rough patch on Saturday.

8
Spouse, Partner Loss / A.D.D.
« on: December 15, 2010, 08:06:37 PM »
Almost immediately after my wife died I found that I began to contract a lot of symptoms of A.D.D.  I try to do something simple like find my hat before going out and I get side-tracked, then side-tracked again, and the next thing I know I am trying to do 6 things at once and getting none of them done.  Someone told me that this may persist for about a year.  Has anybody else had the same experience?

thanks,

jc

9
Spouse, Partner Loss / Re: Introductions thread
« on: December 12, 2010, 11:47:35 AM »
Also, I've been keeping a journal for a while now.  I'm not sure if it's helping or not.  I tend to only write in it when I'm really down and rather than helping me chart the future I worry that it is only serving to cement my depression in the present.  As you said, Terry, I'm still in the very early stages of all of this so we'll see how it plays out.

10
Spouse, Partner Loss / Re: Introductions thread
« on: December 12, 2010, 11:39:26 AM »
Thanks, Terry;

I have thought about getting a new pet but there are complications.  I have a job that has me on the road a lot and especially now.  One of the main reasons I got a dog was to keep my wife company while I was gone and to have something big an loud to make her feel more secure.  If I were to get another dog now I would be absent about 50% of the time for the next couple of months so that's going to have to wait.

To be honest, I'm not so sure how good the job I have is for me anymore.  I am afraid of becoming a ghost in the neighborhood where I blow into town long enough to pay bills and rake leaves and then be out again.  My wife was very good at making sure that I keep ties to the neighbors.  She knew all the families on the block, their kids names, their interests, etc.  I am working very hard on that right now but it's not easy when I'm gone so much.  I am also worried about how my work relations are shaping up.  I may be on a somewhat self-destructive path at work.  I am definitely not bringing my A-game lately.  I am seriously considering an LOA in a month or two if things don't improve. 

11
Spouse, Partner Loss / Re: Introductions thread
« on: December 11, 2010, 03:57:27 PM »
Hi;

My name is jc.  I am 43 years old and I live in Portland, Oregon.  My wife Laura died on 22 September, 2010 after a long battle with a lung disease called bronchiectasis.  She was in the ICU for the last 6 weeks of he life and I was there all day, everyday.  One night she suddenly couldn't breathe due to the formation of a pneumothorax in each lung.  It was all over in 20 minutes.  We never had any doubts that her lung condition would kill her sooner or later but we had no idea how hard and how fast the end would come.  We were married for 15 years, together for 25 and I was proud and grateful to have such a loving and caring partner who never once faltered in her love for me.

We didn't have children and my dog died 4 months prior from a stroke.  So now I am living alone for the first time in my life.  I have been living the most monastic of lifestyles.  I avoid alcohol, caffeine stronger than tea, and anything remotely sexual.  I read.  I swim for exercise.  I clean my empty house.  I walk in circles and I talk to myself.  I've lost about 14 lbs and my ribs are starting to show (on the plus side my abs have never been tighter).

Work has been a train wreck.  I find that I've contracted an acute case of ADD.  At work I try to keep my head down and not rage at anybody.  I blow off meeting requests regularly now. 

I went to two of the local bereavement support groups but I felt alien.  Everyone there was at lest 20 years older than me and had led full lives with their spouses before losing them.  I went to a therapist for the first time yesterday and within 10 minutes of the first interview she was suggesting medication.  Either I look much worse than I thought or my prognosis is just not that complicated.   I am realizing that all of my self-esteem and emotional currency was invested in being married to her.  Now that she's gone I need to find a way to redefine my purpose in life and I don't know how.  People ask how I'm doing and I reply, "I'm working on it."  I'm lying.  I don't know what "it" is or how to "work" on it.  So for now I ride it out and try to keep my personal demons on the bench.

More to come.

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