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Messages - kimiisme

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1
Main / Re: HAS ANYONE TRIED THIS BEFORE ? ? ?
« on: June 06, 2008, 06:33:01 PM »
  I love John Edwards also and have always wanted to go to one of his shows! I believe in that stuff 100% and don't care what people think! I have had experiences similar to Ladybug13.
  Besides seeing a pychic, you can have your own experiences with signs from ones who have passed, you just have to look out for them! I talk as much to my Dad and Mom as I do to
God since they passed. Once I was talking to my dad and asking him please to show me he was here with me as I was scratching a lottery ticket and we really needed money BAD and I was asking for his help over and over ... I scratched off the # 69(the year I was born) and then #23 (the year dad was born) and I started feeling his presence, so I kept oin talking to him, asking was this a coincidence , and the the my sisters year of birth came up... I won $40!! Then, a few years ago, I won $100 on a scratcher, concentrating and talking to him.... and got Birthdates again that time, along with the day of the month... I know lots of people don't believe BUT I DO!
  My father also sends me messages through songs. The day he died and I went to view his body and release him from the hospital, I was crying so hard and so sad! When we got into the car and left, songs on the radio came on that fit perfectly, like "How can I help you say goodbye" , country song. and then the one about the grandmother dying and the boys grandfather talking about  a note written as young lovers saying I will meet you when my chores are through... , there were others too, and I was hoping they were signs from him, then my proof came as I switched radio stations and the first song I ever learned "bye bye miss american pie" came on. My dad owned a bar in Texas when I was learning it and wouldn't hire a band unless they could play that song.
   Just open your mind, the signs are there.... your son is with you!
    Pychics are not evil! They have a very special gift is all. And it is fact that all of us have pychic abilities, we just don't know it or we don't learn how to use them. I am just starting to learn how to use my gifts so I can see MORE signs. And some other gifts i have come to realize aren't just instinct... look up things you are interested in on your computer.
    Sorry for your loss! Don't give up on your quest for answers, you will get them!!
 

2
  I logged on and saw 666..... call me superstitious. or  whatever you want to, but that number just HAD to be changed!!!  :o   Not a positive # to be seeing when we come here to feel better , trying to deal with our grief(!)... not instantly think of "DOOM" on top of it all!  ;D 
                                   God Bless !

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Main / Re: Ready to die...
« on: May 23, 2008, 12:03:49 AM »
  Sweetpea, thank you....and yes, today WAS a better one!  :)  I do talk to my Mom alot. It does seem to help sometimes, but can also start the tears flowing when I least expect it... I talk to both my parents. I even seem to feel their presence sometimes ( I never believed that could happen, until I lost my Dad, and experienced it) ... I feel my dad more than my mom... I know she is watching over me though... it helps a little, but I MISS THEM SO MUCH!!! On Mother's Day, I kept hearing her voice in my head, over and over. Little things she would say, and I know she was with me - the first day since her death that I was positive she was around me. It was comforting.
  Hoping tomorrow is another good one....  :)
          You are in my prayers also...
                      Kimiisme

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Main / Re: My DAD
« on: May 22, 2008, 04:54:55 PM »
  I lost my Dad nearly 7 years ago, and it still hurts. I know the emptiness and lonliness you feel. I went through a similar time when I was just so lost and sad missing my dad after his death, that  I would just blow up and start yelling and screaming at those around me , blowing the tiniest thing WAY out of proportion! I guess it took me about 2 years to get a handle on it,  When I finally realized I was in the wrong, and I found myself being a "B- " ... I would make myself stop and apologize- sometimes in the same breath as I yelled.  Then I would walk away to go cry, scream into my pillow- whatever it took to get through my mood! It wasn't easy! But I made the serious effort to do it.
    What made me make my mind up to change was the fact that I realized how much I needed my friends to lean on, cry on, etc... and I couldn't bear to go through my grieving without them! I felt alone enough without my Dad! So maybe keep that in mind and hopefully it will help you to curb your anger - it doesn't happen overnight! One day at a time.....
    Hang in there.... he's still with you.... and though you will always miss him,  you will learn to live life again and feel more "normal" - just give it time and you will see....

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Main / Reply to tannersmom and sweetpea
« on: May 22, 2008, 04:34:01 PM »
   Thank you, tannersmom, for understanding how I feel! So many people don't! I certainly don't plan on feeling like this forever... one day at at time, thats what I am doing also.  I am so sorry for your pain and struggles just to get yourself out of bed and to work! I understand completely!! I can stay in bed for days at a time, when I am depressed! 
   Sweetpea, I know I can adopt, I have seriously thought about that, and maybe I will someday. Either that or a Foster Parent.  The main reason I say that is because my ex-husband and I were going through Infertility for 2 years, and he had a way of letting me feel worthless because wanted children so bad. But I am slowly getting over that hurt. Thank you for your encouraging words and compliments, though, like you said, we haven't met...it's nice to hear. 
    As far as my Mom goes, I am learning to deal with it all... I know she felt like she was a failure, and it was her own doing when it comes to taking her own life... My step-father talked so much about her last days - how she acted normal and her note said she hadn't planned on killing herself, it just came to mind, and sounded like a good idea...so right there tells me she wasn't thinking straight. It is just so hard and sad that she did it...but I have come to terms with what she did. It's the losing her and missing her that I am having a hard time with.... but, one day at a time...... 
         

6
Main / Re: my poem ... It's about missing my Dad
« on: May 21, 2008, 06:55:01 PM »
   I understand your comment, bucket, about having to say "goodbye" all over again... but the way I see it... I long for that one glance, one hug, etc... it's been so long, and I know his life here is gone forever.... my mom's too.... so there wouldn't be another goodbye, just a bonus, and a wish come true... to hold on to.....
   Thanks for the votes!
It's all for you Dad, I love you!
                            Hugs to all-
                                     Kimiisme

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Main / Re: Ready to die...
« on: May 21, 2008, 06:46:02 PM »
   I got something out of every reply so far.  Thank to you all for your encouraging words. I know that life is precious, I just feel like I am just "floating" through my life. I am not an ambitious person  (no career- no job, in fact) But that is not new - it's just me. I used to say I was born in the wrong era because all my life, I just wanted to be a stay home mom. I ended up not being able to have kids, and being a homemaker, without children,  when money is tight in this day and age has always led to getting looked down on - my Mom used to lecture me all the time about getting a job... I really let her down as a daughter.... and please don't say I didn't because I that is only true as far as her love for me and me as a person. In her suicide letter she said how she loved me very much but when she talked about the land she owns and any "things" to be given to me or my sister, she said too bad we just weren't mature enough etc. My stepfather says he is not abiding to all her wishes because she wasn't in her right mind (depression, suicidal etc.) but it still really hurt.
     I just feel I don't have much to offer ... can't have kids, won't ever make a name for myself , or make any difference in the working world - and those are just simply the facts! That's who I am.  ... I know I am a "good person" and I have no enemies, (that's a plus) - and I know people like who I am... I always try to find the brighter side of every negative situation, and I try to be there whenever someone needs me....
     But there is a sadness in me, always hovering in the backround.  My dad has been gone for nearly 7 years now,  my mom , 7 months. But I was very close to my dad.  I was once really close to my mom but not in the last few years, we just drifted apart. I wanted it to be different, but that's just the way it turned out. That makes her death even harder though... wishing we had that "bond" again, and wondering if it would have made a difference, (probably not) in her suicide choice. People say it gets easier with time... it hasn't! I miss him MORE now - since it's been so long since he was alive!
     I don't thing I am in a severe depression....I thought about that very hard. I don't mope around, and keep a sad face on. I will cry in a heartbeat at times, but, I shed a few tears and then I'm ok. Like when I see a sad movie, etc.. and even then, my boyfriend usually teases me and I laugh through my tears. I do admit, that I have good hard cries, listening to songs that make me think of my parents and missing them... 2-3 times a month I guess, maybe more.
     By the way, I haven't prayed for death lately.... but I can't help but remind
God that I am ready to go, whenever he decides to take me....
     I am thinking about seeing a doctor about possible meds, thanks for that advice, laurenE... my mom had to take them, and my sister too...and since I had a hysterectomy, that makes for 2 reasons to check it out. The only thing about that is I can't afford any meds right now... I can go to a clinic... but paying for  meds are a whole new stress.
    Anyway. thanks everyone, and you all are in my prayers, and thoughts.
                                                         - Kimiisme

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Main / Ready to die...
« on: May 19, 2008, 05:45:20 PM »
     I am so ready to die! I won't take my own life, I am not suicidal, I am just so ready to go to Heaven to be with my mom and dad again and leave this hell we call earth! I am tired of the stress, the struggle, the pain, the evil in this world!!
   Both my parents are gone and I miss them so much the pain is overwhelming!! And at the same time I am so envious that they are living the rest of eternity with God and all the generations of our family,etc, and reuniting  with the ones they had lost during their lifetime....
   I believe in Heaven and God and all the promises he made us etc. I also accept the fact that we are all put here one earth for a reason, (but I will share with you all that I have prayed, begged, pleaded and cried out to God - asking for my death... to make my chosen or fated "reason" to hurry and happen, or however that works, just let me die... I yearn for an escape from "hell"... I have even offered to trade fates with ANY other... let ME be the one murdered, in a fatal accident, you name it... save a life, take ME!! I am SO ready, SO anxious, so willing to move on...
   I am not in some sort of deep depression, or a "poor me" type person... I love to laugh and be silly... THis is just the way I feel. I want people to laugh through the tears and sadness at my funeral... ( asking for a party celebrating death is a nice thought, but be real....!!! - Death is SAD!!) I request that someone stand up and remind everyone that I FINALLY got my wish, my biggest dream... and know that I am once again with  mom and dad...and hugging them....hugging, kisses, more hugs... ... truly "Happy" - my emptiness and pain of missing them... gone!
    My boyfriend (Chris) is the best friend I have ever had...my soulmate, my life-line... a truly special person....  But he does not understand my feelings on all this... he views it as a cruel way of thinking... like it's form of suicide all its own.... leaving my sister and him behind to grieve. ...My mom committed suicide and I have lived that hurt...
 (heavy sigh)...
    Chris told me that I have lost  my will to live. I went on the defense- fast- and started to argue how untrue his statedment was... that he was wasn't understanding me right...
and then I just stopped, mid sentence... and admitted, sadly, that maybe he was right after all... GREAT!! Now I have THAT to come to terms with -is that what this really is?  Am I just in denial? ... Masking pain, grief,and unhappiness behind this outwordly expressive fact that I can't wait to die/that I am ready, willing and looking forward to my death (with a matter of fact smile on my face, I must add)...
   I have to go now and have a good, long cry.
   
   
   

9
Main / Mother's Day - first one without Mom
« on: May 10, 2008, 08:48:58 PM »
 :'(

      Once again, a holiday is making my life a river of tears! I really REALLY hate going through these days! Oceans of tears...  :'(    I try not to  think  about my mom and how much I miss her... at least I try not to do it around anyone.. . I don't like to bring down the world around me when I can help it... I am not a "poor me" type person,  and HATE it when I feel someone thinks I am looking for sympathy etc...
       Up until Dec.  I could go off by myself, hide in my room or whatever, and cry all I wanted to.... but due to some rough times, I now live with my boyfriend at his sisters apt. - on the living room floor-  which, believe me, I am very lucky to have such great family ( his sister always refers to me as her sister-in-law, and I feel the same for her!) It's just that I can't let the tears and feelings flow like I need to! My boyfriend is the GREATEST - but he is not one to show emotions and I feel like a baby when I cry in fromt of him!
      Anyway,  I hate Mother's Day, and Father's Day too for that matter! And Mother's Day was always my Dad's day too ... It was a tradition that I give my Dad a Mother's Day card every year because he raised me - it started when I was in grade school, we were making cards for M.Day and I told my teacher that I didn't want to make one since I wouldm't be seeing my mom etc... and she told me I could make it for my Dad instead... and so from them on... my dad got cards for M.Day AND Father's Day too....
     A DOUBLE -WHAMMY reason to hate tomorrow!!
                           Miss them so much!!
                               
           

10
Main / Miss having my parents!!
« on: April 30, 2008, 03:41:08 AM »
  My Mom committed suicide on Oct. 2nd, 2007. It's been nearly 7 months now....I miss her TERRIBLY! In a recent post, people mentioned that not being able to pick up the phone and call was really hard. SO TRUE!! I really miss her voice!! And I miss signing on to MSN Messenger and seeing her online....we would chat for HOURS! I can't get myself to remove her name from my friends list....and then,at the same time,  it's SO HARD to see her name there! I have also sent her an email or 2 even though she won't ever get them. Letting go is one thing I have NEVER been good at!
  My Dad died 7 years ago July...and I don't feel the years... it seems like just 1 or 2 - NOT 7!!
   I am only 39 years old, and I feel lost without a parent to call and cry to, or share my day with, etc... I miss them both so much!!  :'( :'( :'(


11
 Thanks Karen and LaurenE! I REALLY appreciate it!
    Your compliments make me feel so good!

12
Main / my poem ... It's about missing my Dad
« on: April 24, 2008, 10:27:30 PM »
  I wrote Tom a note asking if it was ok to share a poem I wrote about my Dad on Poetry.com, with a link to the site for votes.  He said "Of course" -  ;D (Yea! )
   My family has made me feel very special over  it - saying I get my writing talents from my Dad. I am pretty humble about my poems but they come from the heart.
   I would like to share the poem with you and ask you to rate it - Thanks for your support and I hope you like it!
                             
                               ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~               
                             
Just one moment more

Six years have passed, since you died and went away
Yet, it feels like it happened, only yesterday
I think of you so often, keep you close to my heart
Sometimes I just can't help myself, I still fall apart
It still hurts, all this emptiness, I'll always feel inside
Life will never be the same, can't stand to be alive
Losing my smile, feel it slipping further every day
Lacking is my strength, and my will to make it stay
I wish you could come back to me, to hug and hold me tight
Tell me that you love me, and everything will be alright
Even for a minute or two, would be just fine, you see
That one last hug, would simply mean,
-the return of my smile for me
I wish you could come back to me, even as a ghost,
Just a glance of you, at the foot of my bed,
-is all I'd need at most
Six years have passed, since you died and went away
Want you in my life again...just like yesterday
...Why couldn't my Daddy stay?
 
 by: Kimberly Ann Bush

                                ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

   ** What did you think of it? Please visit the link below to rate it from 1-10! Thanks!**


                                :) Here is the link :   

http://www.poetry.com/voteforme/poemvote1.asp?PID=12864713


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Main / Re: Can't stand the "firsts" - in the year following a death!!!
« on: April 08, 2008, 09:23:28 AM »
   Thanks for the suggestions. I am going to give your suggestions a try. Thanks again! As always, I have found some answers here to help me cope!!  :)

                                     -kimiisme

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Main / Can't stand the "firsts" - in the year following a death!!!
« on: April 04, 2008, 03:24:34 PM »
 :'(   >:(  :(   Can't stand the "firsts" - in the year following a death!!!!  >:(  :'(   >:(

 In the first year of losing someone you love, every Holiday, Birthday etc... are the
WORST!! It makes you feel the pain all over again - with extra sadness! The loss is bad enough! Then to deal with the days that - once upon a time - meant "togetherness" , family get-togethers, reunions, etc... happy memories... now spent with an emptiness, of spending those special days from now on... without the ones WHO SHOULD BE THERE!!! The ones WHO WERE ALWAYS THERE!!! Especially PARENTS- the ones who were there every year since the day you were born!
 My Mom has been gone for 6 months now. Her Birthday was last month. It was also her Wedding  Anniversary (on her birthday)  My stepfather had a "double" dose of pain that day! I feel so bad for him. Her suicide hurt all of us - in different, but just as painful, ways!
 My Birthday is in 2 days. It'll be the first time in 39 years that I won't hear her wish me a "Happy Birthday"! It makes me feel so empty inside....the pain is so bad I have to push it out of my mind.... at least TRY to. I have had 2 really hard cries in the past 3 days alone -and it isn't even my birthday yet! I miss her soooo much!!
 Well, that's all... just wanted to vent!

15
Grief not related to deaths / Re: Juno
« on: April 04, 2008, 06:48:46 AM »
Karen,
       I had a lot of the same feelings when I saw Juno.Since, (as you know, Karen) I can't ever have children either. I cried and cried at the end! I thought it was a pretty good movie though.Definately had some "fantasy world" moments though.
      My Mom couldn't have any more children of her own after she had my sister and I. She didn't get to raise us (I was 5 and my sister was 1 when my parents divorced) She was going to adopt, privately, from a girl who changed her mind the day she had her baby. It devastated my mom! She never tried to adopt again. I think her wanting more children, plus  that "incident", and the fact that she felt she had already failed  as a Mother, contributed to the extreme sadness that led to her suicide.
       Anyway, I think you have a great outlook on things - depite how difficult life can be at times. It's not always easy to do that!  >:(  :(  I wish you all the best-
                           Kim

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