my 5th christmas.....

[4EVRdarrensSIS]

so, this year was my fifth christmas without my older brother Darren.  we lost him on may 23, 2002 to cancer.  he was only 29.  they say time heals everything....i'm not so sure.  it seems the longer i don't see him or talk to him the worse it gets.  christmas is always so difficult b/c it was his favorite holiday and we ALWAYS had such a great time being together as a family.  he was my only sibling and i feel so alone.  i have this giant hole inside of me that will never go away.  the person i knew as me died that day right along with him.  all i knew was life as darren's little sister.  four and a half years later i am now the age that my brother was when he died.  i am now married to the most wonderful man and have two step-children that i consider to be my own...they are with us full time.  so many changes.  i almost had a breakdown when i got married last year b/c he wasn't there.  i was thrown into this downward spiral and ended up on medication to deal with my loss from years prior.  today....i am no longer on medication....but i feel like his whole life and the memories i have of him are all a dream.  it's like he never really existed.   i don't know if that is how everyone feels or if it's just a coping mechanism that i have thrown myself into.  i'm still angry at God and out of the two choice we have of running to him or running away from him.....well, i took the later.  everything i was ever taught i doubt.   i don't doubt that there is a God.....i just have issues with how he shows us his "love".   it's funny b/c i know my brother is in heaven and is whole and free from pain that he lived in for two years and wouldn't come back here for anything.  but that doesn't keep me from being angry at the only one that will take me to him one day!  how ironic.  i miss him so bad....i never knew that i could miss someone so much.  he was the first person i ever lost.  at the time i still had my grandparents and all of my family, immediate and extended.  i had never experienced loss personally....and to start with my brother is devastating.  i still go to pick up the phone during a steelers or penn state game....and then i realize he's not here.  it helps to know that we left nothing unsaid and that every time i left him i would kiss him on the forehead and tell him i love him.  i know someday i'll see him again....until that day i guess i'll just keep pulling my way through this life that makes no sense half of the time. 
thank you for letting me vent......sometimes i just feel alone in my pain and that no one else knows how i feel.....but i know that's just the self pity!  i am not the first nor the last to lose a sibling.

[middle sis]

Darrens sis,
Making it through life as we now know it, is all we can do. I am sorry for the loss of your brother. I know how devastating it can be especially with it being the first loss you had to experience. My brother and sisters deaths was the first for me as well. I am 8 years into it and I still hurt and miss them very much. I to tried medication, but I really didn't notice it helped me at all. I can't say their lives felt like a dream, but I understand what you mean. I still want to call them, or when I am out and I see someone who resembles either of them, I catch myself staring, making sure its not them. Silly it seems, but thats what it has done to me. Just hang in there. Be kind with yourself. Its definately not an easy ride. Come and share more of your brother If you'd like. We all listen.
Middle sis

[4EVRdarrensSIS]

Middle Sis,
Thank you so much for taking the time to write to me.  Her I am boo hooing about losing my brother when here you are dealing with the loss of a brother AND a sister.  I am so sorry about your losses.  It is unfortunate that we all have this bond, but I thank God that we do.  I just feel so lonely at times.  My husband is great.  He never met Darren and I had a hard time with that at first.  But he has been there for me in every way he possibly can.  When I cry, he holds me; when i want to talk about him, he listens.  He is my angel and in a way i feel like Darren brought him to me.  If he wouldn't have passed away, I would have never moved to TX.  That gives me peace.  It bothers me that I do think of him as being a dream.  I know that it was not a dream and that he was really here.  The memories hurt so bad sometimes I can't stand to think about them.  Sometimes I can't even look at pictures.  I get angry and say it's not fair.  My dad says to take the word fair out of my vocabulary b/c nothing is fair.  How true?  I would have given anything to trade places with him, to take his pain away.  Why was it him and not me?  He was the healthier one out of the two of us...worked out, ate right, took care of himself better than i took care of myself.  Then throw his wife into the mix and what a B#$*! she was.  She cut all ties with us after he passed away.  Went through all his belongings and got rid of a lot of stuff and didn't even tell us.  Two days before he died she screamed that she had enough and the next step was hospis hospital.  what the hell?  come on.  i have so much anger towards here it isn't even funny.  She is more dead to me than my brother is.  ANYWAYS!!!!  that's a whole other topic!  lol.  thank you again for listening! 

[middle sis]

Darrens sis
I agree this bond is nothing I would wish on anyone, but it helps to be able to share with others who truely understand. Fair, yes that should be taken out of our vocabulary, because anymore nothing seems fair. I am sure Darren helped pick out your husband for you, especially since  you have found a wonderful man who is understanding. Mine just doesn't get it. I don't expect him to. I keep it all pretty much to myself.
To bad your ex sis in law has cut you all out. I'm sure there were many things of Darrens you would have loved to have had. Some people just don't think.
You know how I mentioned earlier about how when I am out, and I see people that resemble my bro or sis, I tend to stare and make sure its not them. WEll it happened again tonight. I was at the grocery store and I could have sworn this guy looked just like my brother.  I really wanted it to be him, but I know that will never happen. He had the same eyes the same jaw structure, sideburns, and attire. Its just so strange.
enough rambling
take care

[Sad Eyes]

Dear Darren Sis,

First of all I am so sorry for your loss.  Having lost both a brother (murder) and sister (also to cancer) I know how much grief you carry in your heart.  Your statement about life not being fair really hits home with me.  I often feel angry that I not only have lost both siblings, but also my Mom and Dad.  These are feeling that only those of us who have lost loved ones can really understand.  We all share the common bond of grief.  I feel  badly that your ex sister-in-law hasn't treated you fairly.  This only adds to your pain and sorrow.  All to often families break apart when tragedy strikes, which is really a shame, because its when we need the bond of family the most.

Take care!!

[4EVRdarrensSIS]

hey middle sis & sad eyes. 
middle sis- on one hand i think that it's neat that you see your brother in other people....on the other hand i think it's a cruel trick.  it's almost for a split second you believe that is him and then you are forced to come back to reality.   i have experienced the same thing and it's heart wrenching.     i hate that your husband doesn't understand...and you know what i mean by "understand."  even though my husband is totally there for me i still keep a lot of it to myself b/c he doesn't really "understand" my pain.  i cry by myself a lot.  not as much as i use to.  i'm self employed so if i need to cry i can anytime i want.  that helps a lot. 
in regards to the wife of his....i hurt more in knowing the pain my brother must have felt hearing those words come from the lips of the person he held more dear to him than anyone else.  i cried at their reception b/c i knew what kind of a person she was.  that old cliche about love is blind it so true.  i can't talk about her too much or my blood pressure goes sky high!  i do have a couple of things of my brother's that she actually gave me the day he died....one of which was my favorite penn state sweatshirt of his.   but after that day she pushed farther and farther away from us.  it's sad really. 

sad eyes- i can't even begin to tell you how sorry i am for you loss.  i feel so small sometimes....here i am complaining about how unfair losing my brother is.....then i meet people like you and middle sis and learn about the loss you two have experienced.  i can't imaging.  i am having such a hard time with my brother, i'm scared about how i'll react when the day comes that i lose my parents.  they are my best friends.  i moved to tx b/c my dad had a job offer here and i didn't want to be 10 hours from them.  they are the only ones in my world that truly understand.  so, i try not to think about that day to often.  you just never know what the day will bring.  i never dreamed in a million years anything like this would happen to my family (as i'm sure you did as well).  but it did.  now we are just taking one day at a time.  in some cases one second at a time.


now here we are pouring our hearts out to each other.  thank you guys so much for listening and encouraging me.  i really appreciate you!