BOARD GUIDELINES

[Dena]

This is the thread for everyone to contribute to!  In order for any online community to work - there should  be guidelines that all can understand & follow.

Please give some thought to this and add your thoughts/suggestions below.  You can use many different ways to do this. Words that help/words that hurt, cliches, etc.

Always remember first and foremost.  This is YOUR board. We need to keep it safe and user friendly.

My thoughts, as always,  regard the diversity on the board.  We have many people here of many different religions & different beliefs.  I believe that no child/parent should ever have to feel guilt and/or question the "salvation" of their child's soul.  Guilt is our worst enemy.  It denies us the opportunity to grow through grief.

And now, I turn the thread over to you to add your thoughts. 

PLEASE - you may disagree with someone's thoughts or beliefs.  Do NOT attack them for this.

We are all adults here who have been through a terrible tragedy. 

I will exercise moderator powers in the case of any racial/racist remarks and this includes remarks made in a malicious fashion towards a religion/beliefs, remarks seen as stereotypical/profiling, etc.  These posts will be immediately deleted.

Love,
Dena, Josh's Mom

[Louise]

I agree with Katie about religion.I think saying I'm praying for you or bless you is OK,because that is a form of endearment and kindness,but I mean to talk about certain religions or aspects of it,that could hurt someone, that is all i can think of right now.Love,Louise[keren's mom]

[Debh]

Hello,

None of you have ever heard from me before, as I have never posted here.  I am familiar with this board, though.  I am Chad’s father and Deb H’s husband.  This morning we were talking about guidelines for the board … I believe there was a request for input.  

As I mentioned, I am quite familiar with this board, as Deb and I often talk about it and the people with whom she converses, and I feel I even know some of you through her.  I know the board has been a source of comfort for her over the years, but I also know it has at times been a source frustration, and sometimes, hurt and anger.  And it seems to me that a forum designed for the specific purpose of offering and giving some measure of comfort and understanding to people who have suffered the loss of someone very dear to us should never be the source of frustration, hurt, or other negative feelings.  So I asked her if she minded if I say my piece … so for what it’s worth, here you go.

It’s a difficult thing to do … trying to bring a group of people together for the purpose of providing comfort and understanding when the very people who seek and provide that comfort here are so different.  We all share the one thing we wish we did not share … having lost a precious person in our lives.  It is the one thing (and probably the only thing in most cases) that we do have in common.  Death touches everyone.  It has no prejudice and no favoritism.  Black or white, rich or poor, old or young … it doesn’t matter.  We all feel the pain of the same kind of loss.  But beyond that, we are all different.  We each have our own feelings, beliefs, opinions, and ideas.  The differences can go very deep when we consider spiritual differences and views on what is moral and what is not.  Yet, each of us has a right to the feelings and ideas and beliefs that make us who we are.  None are right and none are wrong.  And we DO have the right to share and express them without reprisal or criticism.  However, we DO NOT have the right to impose our views, beliefs, etc. onto anyone else.

It seems to me that if we keep the very purpose for this board at the forefront of our minds and hearts whenever we come here, the rest should fall into place quite easily.  If we take ownership of our own feelings, beliefs, etc. and allow everyone else to do the same, we can be a loving help to each other while not allowing our differences to get in the way.  If we think carefully about what it is we want to share, and choose our words carefully, we can each freely express ourselves while being sensitive to the differences between us.  I have always felt that many times, how we say something is just as important (maybe even more important) as what we say.

So, that’s my two cents … plain and simple.  Nothing magical.  It’s known by some as the ‘Golden Rule’ … treat others as you want to be treated yourself.

I hope each of you enjoys the holidays coming up and that you can share them with family and friends.  I know these times can also be difficult … because it’s at these times we usually miss them the most … the ones who aren’t here.  Still, maybe that’s how it is supposed to be.  We have to feel pain to know what it’s like to not have pain.  We have to experience sadness in order to know the joy of happiness.  I guess it’s how we know that we love, and are loved in return.

Gordy

This is Debh now and I would like to thank my hubby for joining us today and I at this time have nothing to add, he sums up very nicely how I feel.

I will take time to think through words that are painful to me and post more later, Racial remarks, alcohol and drugs I am sensitive with,  blood curdling and hang are painful words both pertaining to the deaths of my boys.

Special thanks to Tom and Dena again for doing all they do for us at this board.

Hope your holidays are peaceful and you feel the love of your children, family and friends close to you.

Love to our children and loved ones who are not with us today and  forever missed.

Deb

[Judy, Dougie's Mom]

I want to thank you Dena for this post, I am one that thinks guidelines should be here at this board, it's a grief board and everyone here is extremely sensitive and we all need to be respectful of each other.

I prefer to use the phrase HOLD ON TIGHT, the other phrase, which we all know, is just too too hurtful to many here.

I also agree Dena that the word "trigger" is sensitive too many and I hope together we can come up with another word to replace it.

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Gordy

Thank you so much for your post, it really does say it all so well.  We are all different and yet with great sadness,have a common bond. 

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Katie

I am just so so sorry for all you have been thru and continue to go thru. I can't seem to find the right words right now so just know that I always hold you close to my heart.

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Love
Judy

"MAKANA LIVES"
forever in my heart

[CRCmom]

To all my friends,

I think having guidelines is an excellent idea.  I have learned the hard way that saying the wrong thing can hurt someone even when it wasn't meant to.  I also think Gordy summed it up well.  Treat others as you want to be treated.  We all have words or phrases that might bring images of emotions.  Everything reminds me of my son.   

I only ask that we not assault someone who may say something unintentionally that hurts.  I am a recovering alcoholic and people say things all the time on the board that hurt, but that's not my purpose here and I understand the anger and rage, but sometimes we just have to hold on to our own feelings and think about another. 

I too am so sorry for everyone who has to go through this experience of losing a child.  I hope most of all we can demonstrate true love and concern for anyone coming here that wants and needs help.

Love to you all

[Dottie (Tammie's Mom)]

If guidelines are needed then I hope we can all work with them and try not to hurt anyone.

I hope that if I have ever hurt someone they know I never intended it that way. I know that some may not know how each of us lost our child and so therefore don't think while we are posting.

I know that each of you has brought me comfort these past 15 months and I hope we can all keep doing what we seem do need most, COMFORT AND HELP EACH OTHER.

I have been hurt several times but I also know or hope it was unintended.

THANK YOU all for what you have given to me,
In my thoughts,
Dottie Tammie's Mom

[Rebecca]

Hello Everyone:  We are on our way to dinner but I couldn't leave without responding.  I will give the topic much more thought but to Debh and Gordy (so wonderful to hear from you) Debh you said it best... A suggestion, let's use the word 'SENSATIVE"

instead of the other word

I hope that this word can help some of us who might not read a topic, etc. because it it too difficult. 
Rebecca Jason's Mom

[Chy Scott's Mom]

The view I am about to express is mine alone, maybe some sort of insight into me and my characteristics or personality.  I am by no means disagreeing with everyones desire to have guidelines, I'm flexible and will adjust accordingly. 
     Wow, I agree mostly, but before you get upset with my "mostly"statement, let me explain.  I've had issues with religion growing up with Roman Catholic abusive hypocrites so I tend to stay away from the "God Bless You" sort of stuff, but as for offending me?  No, it doesn't offend me, agitates me at times because I'm a little angry with the powers that be.  I spent a lifetime search on religion and spirituality and finally found a shoe that fits me.  For me it's private, although I am willing to discuss it, I just don't usually bring it up.
        I still can't watch movies or shows with bad car crashes in them, my baby didn't survive one so I adjust my media watching. 
    I try to take others words at face value and given the fact that we are all here with this horrible common bond, I guess I choose to believe that anything said in a way that might cause me pause is coming from a "brother" or "sister" and isn't intended to hurt me, offend me or anger me, it's just the way they chose to express those sometimes rambling thoughts that need out.  I imagine I've been guilty of that and I do try to temper my words, no outward swearing but I do say things like "s***" or things similar.  I guess if I read something that doesn't strike a cord for me at the time, I move on and if it's something I disagree with or have a viewpoint on, I will either reply or not according to my mood.
   Maybe , well no, I was gonna say, head the topic religious in nature but then a lot of valuable viewpoints and positive support might be missed by those not "into" religion.
    I really want to say Thanks to Gordy who so eloquently put into words the main diet of how I try to live my life.  A lot of things that bother other just don't faze me, to many other things to worry about and if folks are happy, then more power to them, as long as it hurts no one else.  I'm here and willing to conform as best I can.   

[MelissaCharliesMom]

Thanks for bumping this up though I am not sure if board gudelines have anything to do with having a mature, respectful conversation in which a group of adults are willing to share their thoughts, feelings and beliefs.

[Brenda Taylors Mom]

I will never intentionally hurt anyone here, we have been hurt enough for many lifetimes.. I just come for comfort, to give comfort and to be part of this family that I believe our children are part of... I love you all and if I have ever ever said anything to offend or hurt I am so so deeply sorry.
Love
Bremda

[KitchenWitch]

     Thank you and Congratulations!  This is the first Grief Board that I have come across that truly embodies my feelings.  To all who have posted before me, I do understand your pain.  I also understand your frustration at some of the insensitive words that we hear/read.
     In my case, my 23 year old son was in a car accident with 2 other young men.  All 3 were killed.  The local newspaper ran the story on the front page the next afternoon.  That same evening they called me to ask if I had a recent picture of Vince and if I did, would I please bring it to the funeral home so they could pick it up and run it with the obituary.  They did the same with the other 2 families.  What they said was true.  All 3 pictures were indeed placed with the obituraries; but can you imagine our horror and shock when we first saw the morning paper and all 3 of their pictures were Front Page with the headline "3 Men Killed In Accident, Alcohol Suspected"! 
     To add insult to injury, when I called Vince's father (he had not seen him for 19 years but lived only 3 1/2 hours away) to let him know that his son had died, he had the nerve to ask me if I thought it was necessary for him to come to the funeral home or would sending flowers be enough!   You think that was bad!  Hold on to your hats!  He then told me he had a son (as if Vince was not his son) about to turn 16 and get his driver's license, and if it wouldn't be too much trouble, would I please send him a newspaper so he could use it as a training tool! (Needless to say, I had some very choice words to say to the (man?) that fathered my son, never paid one cent of child support, and then spoke the unspeakable to me! )
     After the funeral and all of my friends had left me (you all know about that), I was left alone at home.  I knew that 2 of the young men had died instantly because the paper said so, but I was unsure of how quickly Vince's death had come.  I was crazed  so I called the Coroner and asked him.  Now, in retrospect, simple kindness would have had the gentleman just tell me what I needed to hear; but NO, instead he said, "Well, it took me about 25 minutes to get to the scene, and he was dead when I got there, he then described in vivid detail how he had found my son's body, there would be no way for me to give you an accurate time."
     As to your views on religion, I so respect what you have done here.  It is exactly what I have tried to implement in the local funeral homes but they all shy away from it.  They all want to stay with the traditional Christian God as their method of After-Care for the families.  The Funeral Directors have all shunned me when I have tried to explain that there are people that actually lose their faith during this time and they are the ones that need the most comfort.  They are the ones that feel they have nothing.
     For me it has been 14 years (and just yesterday) since the loss of Vince.  Thank you so much for the work you are doing here.  Blessed Be ~Donna

[lostwithouthim]

If I have offended anyone with anything I have said or will ever say. Please know that it is not my intention . There is enough hurt and grief in this world without imposing more upon someone.

My faith in God did at one point time falter somewhere between my husband walking out on our family and the beating I got. I really questioned the existence of God. But when my wreck happened and my children were hurt like as badly as they were , my faith was renewed.

I would never intentionally want to hurt anyone with my faith and belief in God. I wish I could change and take away everyone's hurt.

[rita-grammy]

I also do agree with Dena. I can't understand why anyone would verbally attack anyone on this site, I have so much help and caring from everyone and we are all going through the same pain and loss. Maybe different stages but, we are all in this together. I also say God bless but, I don't mean it in any way except with love and caring. I will start to be more careful of my words... I would not ever want to offend anyone going through so much pain.

Rita

[Rebecca]

Did Tom give any insight about Paula and her situation.  Her latest is that her daughter was beaten up and did THC and heroin.  I am curious what his opinion as to how to address her posts is.  Thanks
Rebecca Jason's Mom

[Terry]

With the season change and holidays following close behind, I would like to make a suggestion. I do this out of love and concern for everyone here, but that also includes my own personal feelings, because I can 'only' speak for myself here, others will have to offer their suggestions, if they have any at all.
I haven't read the list of hurtful words in quite some time and don't even remember (grief brain) where I read them but I'm sure it was here, somewhere.

For the past 3 years, if I read anything that is violent in nature, descriptive in how someone died, such as the descriptive use of weapons, parts of the body and the manner in which these parts were violently affected...I shake uncontrollably.
I was diagnosed as having PTSD but I believe that everyone who has lost a child does suffer from this to one degree or another.

I am not asking anyone to watch their P's and Q's or to be politically correct and I never would ask anyone to walk on the already very thin-ice we walk on everyday, living without our children.
Because this is the only place we all have to come to vent these feelings that haunt us, the ones that no one else wants to hear.

But, if a post must contain details regarding the nature, and violent nature in which one of our beautiful children has died, and I feel it's very important to get these feelings out if it helps us heal, I ask, respectfully, that a warning be placed in the title, simply, *Graphic* or whatever you feel is the appropriate word to describe violent.

The titles we all use for our posts, pretty much describes its contents. When I open a post to read it, it is what I thought it would be, basically. The times when it hasn't been, I have quickly backed-out so as not to read anymore.

Please let me know if there is anything I have said, or words that "I" have used that have upset others, and I will be mindful not to use them again. And, you don't have to 'PM' me, just post it here on the Board for everyone else to read, as it may help others, too.

I love you all and really want our special place here to remain a place of healing. I pray I have not offended anyone, as that is never my intention. I've just been extremely anxious with the season changing and of course, the holiday season fast approaching, but I'm sure not anymore anxious than anyone else here.

I will not be offended by what anyone suggests to me, because I know it is out of love. You are all my family here, but unlike my immediate family, you here are able to take suggestions offered without feeling attacked. I sure wish my family could do the same.

Forgive my desperate plea here, but I would be so lost without all of you and right now, I need all of you in my life very much and I just need some help.

Thanks so much for reading and understanding.

My Love,
Terry