Feeling a bit frustrated

[Dena]

I have heard a few comparisons made amongst the family in the past days and it is a source of frustration to me.

Everyone's grief is different!  We can compare apples to oranges until the cows come home - the end result is still the same.  We have lost a child.  There is the subtle "well you know, you didn't have to watch your child suffer day after day & that is different from what you went through.  With Josh it was sudden".  I want to scream "You can't/shouldn't compare!!!!"  No one way is worse than the other.

Or we hear how hard this is on another family member.  Of course.  It is hard on all of us.  Don't they think we are trying to cope, not only with this situation, but with the pain that it dredges up for us as well?


Why do people do this?  I just don't understand.  How do I handle it?

Love,
Dena, Josh's Mom

[Brenda Taylors Mom]

((( Dena)))) I don't know, but I do know that it is very frustrating. I have had Taylor's death compared to others, and as you say, what IS the difference, they aren't coming home... I usually internalize it, which isn't good, but I don't know what to do either. I hope somebody has a suggestion. I love you Dena and I am SAYING JOSH JOSH JOSH OUT LOUD RIGHT NOW!!!!!

[Dena]

Thank you so much, Brenda!

Saying  both Josh & Taylor's names outloud! JOSH, TAYLOR, JOSH, TAYLOR.....

Love,
Dena, Josh's Mom

[Brenda Taylors Mom]

[WendyRN]

Dena, I am so sorry that in such very difficult days for your extended family that this hurtfulness creeps in too.  Not intentional of course but hurtful nonetheless.

In my own small group of close friends that we have known since highschool or early adult years, one couple lost their 14-year-old son after a 2 year battle with cancer.  So very, very difficult to watch this happen to our dear friends.  The struggle with treatments and finally acceptance that the disease would take his life was so heartwrenching.  The couple of years between his diagnosis and when he finally passed away at home, amongst those who loved him best, this grieving family had so many opportunities to say goodbye and create memories that would have to last a lifetime.  Fast forward many years............I arrive home from a nightshift at the hospital to police pulling in my driveway and must endure the news of sudden, unexpected death.  Gone.  No goodbye.  No last words of forever love.  No chance for I wish... or if only...  No burning into my memory of the feelings of my arms around him or inhaling his smell until it envelopes my brain forever.  I would have recorded his voice, his laugh.  I would have taken infinitely more pictures, video.  We would have spent more time talking about .... just life.  I thought I had a lifetime to get to know him as an adult.  


These memories are not possible with sudden loss but I wouldn't trade these needs of mine if it meant I had to endure watching my son suffer either briefly or through a long illness.  I know nobody would.  But in the world of suffering with grief, there is a trade-off.  I remember reading somewhere after Keith passed about how an expected or sudden death is really grieved the same.  With an expected loss, especially if the illness has been long, there is anticipatory grief - the process has already begun.  But this does not make the eventual passing any easier and the same anger, bargaining, etc. still takes place.  But with a sudden loss there are more very immediate issues that really complicate the beginning of the grieving process.  These words made a lot of sense to me (they may not for everyone.)  In the end, loss of a child is loss of a child.  And we all hurt beyond imagining by anyone who has not experienced this themself.  

I know this is long, Dena, but I guess this hit what must still be a sore point with me.  An unthinking "friend" (best friend to the mom of the child I mentioned above), once compared, subtlely, that our mutual friend's loss was and continues to be more difficult.  That comparison of which she knows nothing.  I don't imagine there is any other way of looking at your situation except to know that words spoken amongst your family members that are so upsetting are spoken out of ignorance.  I know that doesn't help you try to sort out your feelings with the tragedy unfolding in your family and the depths of despair for your own loss that rises closer to the surface.  Just had to share that I understand your hurt.  And, just for the record, I have experienced both.  Scott lived a fragile life of illness and pain for 4 1/2 years before succumbing finally to pneumonia.  Keith was ripped from my arms during a camping trip with friends.  Grief is just grief.  I have neither my first born nor my youngest son in my life any longer.  It just hurts like hell.

Wendy, Keith's mom

[Dena]

Thank you, Wendy -

So well spoken - you put into words what I couldn't.  Josh's death was sudden. One minute I had a laughing vital 14 year old in my home and the next morning, the police detective & coroner knocking at the door.  No time for goodbyes, no lasting photos, tapes, or new memories to cling to.  No chance to hold his hand or hold him when it was time.  But of course, I would never want him to suffer as my niece has. There just is no comparison.

The nightmares & horror keep revisiting, but I know I need to be able to support my family in any way possible. And treasure the time that I will have (I hope) to see my niece when they get her safely home from Boston.

It is a major sore spot - it's not a contest to see who's experience was "worse".  That is what bothers me the most. 

Love,
Dena, Josh's Mom

[SARAH()]

Dena,

I know what you mean, it isn't a contest!! (and what a sick contest that would be)

If you want a gentle answer alternative, you might just encourage them to vent about how hard it is seeing your niece suffer.  "You're right, I didn't have that experience when Josh died, it is very difficult", and then later in the conversation, say something like, "I don't envy X for having to watch her child suffer, but I do envy her chance to say good-bye" or something like that.  That way, they might see your point of view if it doesn't feel like an argument.  Sometimes I have luck when I empathize with the other person first before I state what was most difficult about my situation.  Especially since your niece IS suffering right now, and the person speaking is obviously distressed about it.

And remember, someone might be saying to THAT mom, well, at least you can "prepare" for it, its worse if its sudden, or something equally insensitive.  She will probably have her own fair share of dumb "as least"
comments.

take care, Sarah

[ytters-mom]

Dena,

my own sister at one point stated "the pain will pass, like when I stopped smoking"  i just looked at her. i know she didnt mean what she said but at the  time i wanted to lash out at her. i also knew that would do no good.  so many times i have wanted to say imange you will never see, talk to or hear from your son.

the pain of what people think you should do or feel is sometimes unbearable.  unless they have been in our shoes they can't even begin to know how we feel.

i wish you the best
D

[Annette]

I don't know what to say to help. I think any loss of a child is unbearable. I think it's all different with all of us, I mean, many of us feel guilty for one thing or another about our child's death, but the guilt may be for different reasons. I think each person has sorrows that feel so horrible, they just think that their pain is the worst, because it is the worst thing that could ever happen to them. People are just so ignorant of the situation.

Maybe you could tell the family making the comments that they are hurting your feelings and that they couldn't possibly know what they're talking about.