Jealous of others

[Rebecca]

Yes, here I've said it.. I am jealous of the pics and wonderful stories I read on facebook of friends and people I know enjoying their children and grandchildren.  Yes, I enjoy my daughter and yes, others on here are jealous of me..I understand all that, but it simply does not take away the pain I am feeling right now and I can't even express it outloud.  I just hurt and as someone said here... we drop that mask as soon as we walk through our own door..so I have to write it as I just read about someone gushing about their grandson and another on the way and all I can talk about is my granddogs... I am sorry if I have hurt anyone here..I don't mean to... I just need to get it off my chest.
Rebecca Jason's Mom

[VickiC]

Rebecca,
I so understand what you are feeling....I feel the same way about being in this small community and seeing "complete" families...It is a Mormon community (I am not) where families live close together and grandparents get to see their kids and their grandkids every day....they don't miss a thing!  Their kids were friends of Craig and now they have their own families!  I have lost so many friends because they can't even imagine or want to think about losing any of their own children...I and many others here on this site live with broken hearts and with huge voids in our lives where our child should be...My son Craig was going to propose to his girlfriend (who is morman) the day he died....He knew that he would be surrounded by a lot of her family and her friends....Now, more than anything, I want to leave here...We have been here in town for 5 years and in Nevada for 21 years...It doesn't feel like "home" because my precious boy is missing.  My son died only a mile out of town and even though I have good memories of his friends and experiences he had here growing up, he was ready to "get out of town" and forge new adventures on his own when he went to college....There are too many memories of what we lost too...not just my son, and friends, and Craig's friends who dont keep in touch, but the bad taste I have in my mouth of the place where he died and what we lost as a family.....Too many things to mention.  My oldest son is now in Colorado with his three sons....they are further away and there will be less time to see them and watch them grow up....My youngest son will be moving further away to a new Coast Guard station in a few months...He will be further away....I didn't want to let him go last year when he "left the nest".  Now, I am even lonelier for Craig, and for my boys and for the good, complete, and happy life I once had....I am just a very lonely person, alone in my thoughts all day....So I know what you are feeling and I know how jealous, and envious I get when I am around people who are happy with their life and gushing with happiness in the middle of their complete, loving, content families....Must be nice, huh?  People would never know because my "mask" hides everything....After 6 years, for some reason, I am even more sensitive and more emotional when Craig is brought up...
Sending strength, love and hope,
VickiC

[WendyRN]

Rebecca, Vicki,

How your truths echo in my own ears.  Normalcy hurts.  It is, of course, an illusion now.  Looking at families celebrating their "wholeness" (even if they don't know they are) is just so painful to watch.  I also feel that jealousy, Rebecca.  And bitterness.  I am so damned bitter.  I hate that.  If there is some vast, eternal plan that would have me learn some kind of "lesson" from losing my son.....somehow make me a better person......it has surely backfired.  I can hardly stand myself and don't know how anyone else could.  Mask or no mask.  Its the hateful bitterness that seems to permeate most of my life that I just can't tolerate.  But don't know how to stop. 

For almost 2 1/2 years, my two surviving children have been my lifeline.  But they are now 28 and 25.  They have their own lives to get on with and they don't include so much time with mom.  They are both in new, exciting relationships and I'm really happy for them.  As it should be.  But what about me?  Now what?  I so understand the loneliness.  Don't know how to fight it except in my usual fashion, drawing inward.  But that sure doesn't feel good either.  Can't live within me.  Can't live without me.  I need a shrink.

Wendy, Keith's mom
 

[Dena]

((Rebecca))

I think Wendy said it so well.  I still feel jealous of the "normal" that is all around us.  It angers me that so many people out there don't appreciate what they have because we all know just what we would give to have that normal back.

You aren't hurting anyone here - you need to talk and we all understand.

Love,
Dena, Josh's Mom

[Rebecca]

I went to a schrink, and to a grief counselor.  It was a band aid.  My husband and I are not working well right now.  The truth be told, we were not working well before Jason died but we would never do anything while the kids were young.  Now Jason is gone.  We have one child left.  If we broke up her world would hurt so.  And what would the point be.  We both have health issues. Sometimes we are ok, sometimes, more times not.  We wear masks with each other.  We just put new closet organizers in, we are working on redoing our living room.  There are days I want to rent a one bedroom apt. and just hole up by myself.  Who would really care.  No one wants to hear it any more.  Jason is gone.  It is terrible but it is a reality.  I walk around like a zombie inside and a useful confident probation officer on the outside.  I am not happy with my life, but fearful to do anything about it.  Boy, this is the first time I really put all this down on paper.  I have so much more to write and say but for now I have to just leave it.  I am on a roll and I am going to write the rest later.  Thank u to all of my friends on here who listen and understand.

Rebecca Jason's Mom

[Brenda Taylors Mom]

Rebecca, keep writing. Get it out. We understand. My husband left me after Taylor died. He couldn't take the "sad" me. I didn't really care, I was hurt, but how much more hurt could my heart take, so it didn't even matter. From your other post, I'm jealous of families that are whole too. Love, Brenda

[Sara D.s mom]

When I read your first post, Rebecca, I so wanted to respond, since that is just how I have been feeling. So angry, bitter, envious of the normalcy that surrounds me. My next-door neighbor also has an only child, married and with three boys.  My neighbor babysits for them, and so every day, unless I run and hide, I am faced with what Sara doesn't have, and what I don't have and never will. They are blessed, and I feel cursed. It feels so "in my face", but that is only in my mind.
I thought of building a circular drive, so I could just run in the door.

Even passing the street where the driver of the car that Sara was a passenger in lives, I think to myself - even he has birthdays and holidays and a life.  It might be filled with guilt and pain, but at least he is here for it.

I don't like feeling like this, but how can we help it? It is so unlike the other me, the one who left with Sara.

My husband and I were having issues at the time of the accident also, and now there seems to be no point in doing anything about it. I can barely get out of bed, so the effort it would take to change our situation would be too much. Without Sara here, it is not worth it.

I am sad and unhappy, and I would be the same then anyway.

It has been twenty-eight months since the accident, and Sara's twenty-second birthday is March 1st. I can't even bear to think about it.

I just stopped seeing my therapist, I think he had given up on me too.

Just wanted to thank you for your honesty, and for you all to know that it is comforting to know that I am not alone in these feelings.

Wishing you all some measure of comfort,
Betty
Sara D's mom