Miserable, but made a choice

[Rebecca]

I am so miserable, so unhappy but I made a choice.  I was going to just stay in bed and cry.  My husband is going to Chic to help our daughter out all week and I have to stay behind because of work.  Today is Sat. The sun is shining.  I was going to drive him to the train and then be alone.  I decided to call my daughter and see if I could come in with out dog, since they have a puppy, stay overnight and leave tomorrow.  She did not call me all week and I was very upset.  She called this morning and said that work had her crazy and she could not call.  So, I decided to take the risk and not stay in bed and go.  She sounded happy and my mind which races in all directions now, feels quieter.  We are getting so close to the 5th anniv and I am a mess.  I don't know what difference it makes, 1 week, 1 month, 1 year or five... he is still gone... This hurting is just too painful and so tiring. Wearing the mask is a difficult job.  Thanks for listening. If Faye is reading, my heart is with you and your family.  We will be in Boca in March and I would love to meet u.

Rebecca Jason's Mom

[Terry]

I do understand how everything can get thrown in every direction before their dates. I don't think any year get's any easier, not around a death date or their birthday. And, then there are other dates that can bring us right back to day one. Hour one. Reliving every single moment leading up to and following their death. There are no words to describe this pain.

I know it doesn't take much to upset me, especially regarding family so I understand why you were so bothered by not hearing from your daughter. I'm sorry you were so hurt. I am glad to read that you're feeling a bit more peaceful now.

I agree, too that the pain is tiring. It weighs very heavy on our hearts and affects our physical well being at times.

This is the first year since my Jeff died that I did not post on his date. I just couldn't. So, I didn't. January 12th was 7 years and the pain seems to be moving from my heart into my extremities and even walking is painful. February 19th is Jeff's birthday and I can't even go there this year.

I just want you to know that you are not alone in any of your feelings and I wish none of us had to live with this horrid pain. But, we do. It must be really hard, working right now and having to struggle and fight back the tears. Yes, that mask. The only comfort in wearing it is knowing that once you get into your car, or walk into your front door you can tear it off. In fact, I find the mask to be a relief, at times. It gives me a chance to throw myself out there, the way I used to be, really loving every second of where I was....it brings back nice memories. It also gives us a break, Rebecca from the awful pain.

I have a few friends that are actors and they have freely admitted to me on different ocassions that it really is nice being 'someone else' if just for a little while. None of them are happy people, so I guess that makes sense.

Life is hard. It's hard without 'any' complications. We're trying to live with the worse pain imaginable and I believe we're doing a heck of a job. We're the strongest people I know.

Hey, just know you're loved. So loved. And, I'll be thinking of you and your sweet Jason. (((((( Rebecca ))))))
Terry

[Brenda Taylors Mom]

(( Rebecca)))) Like you said, 1 year 2 years no matter how long .. but 5 years in October was the hardest, I don't  know why. I hope being together with your daughter will help you some. Love, Brenda