MelissaCharliesMom
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Posts: 724
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« on: February 04, 2010, 08:42:25 PM » |
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It has been awhile since I have posted anything. I find myself drifting in and out of reality more and more, subconsciously pretending that Charlie is not gone, that he is just "away" for a little while, except that little while has turned into 5 + years and counting and will continue to grow as each day takes me farther and farther away from my precious boy. There are happy times, times of smiles and laughter and moments, precious few moments of peace, but the sadness, the "dark cloud" it is always there. Has been for 5+ years and always will be.
We have grown so very much as a family since 2004. We are stronger than before in many ways and in others so very much weaker. We stopped "talking about" some of our dreams and are now starting to live them.
Charlie loved, loved animals, we all do. We love being outside and working outside, cold, wet hot, dry, doesnt matter, never has. As a family we love it. My husbands Grandfather who lives out of state bought an old farm here and plans to retire there at some point. He has given us our own barn on the farm and after a very special visit to a farm in Pennsylvania ( a farm I was drawn to for some reason, a farm that is owned (as we found out) by a family who walks this journey with us, a family who had their only son killed in a car accident)we are proud owners of 4 miniature donkeys. We have spent hours and hours in the cold , snow, wind and ice rehab-ing this old barn and the work, though hard brings us all great peace. We are finally seeing it all come to fruition and on Feb 27 our 4 little donkey boys will be delivered!!!We have the farm to run to when we need to escape this "life", we have my husbands grandfathers animals that we are caring for there as well until he moves here permanently (13 black angus and 2 horses). This...this farm and the animals and the buildings and the love and hard work, the time we spend together as a family there, its the best therapy I have ever had.
Patrick and Emma continue to excel in school. Patrick has begun wrestling and is doing so very well with it. Emma is loving 1st grade and is very "involved" socially with her classmates. Brayden is attending preschool 3 days a week, 2 1/2 hours a day. He goes with his cousin and loves it!!!!And Miss Sophia, well she is now 15 months old running everywhere she goes, climbing on everything she shouldnt be. The sadness, the missing, the longing for Charlie is always with us, even brayden who never got to meet his brother sometimes cries and says "I miss brother Charlie." We all miss him, we all hurt, each of us still cries on a daily/weekly basis, the tears still flow and the pain never subsides, but it does change....changes to something that in small bite size pieces I am capable (on most days) of handling, on other days however, it still bowls me over and takes me right back to the beginning!!I, have learned on the dark, dark days the only thing that keeps me from sliding back into that dark hole is to hang on as tight as I can to my kiddos....all of them!!!The love we share, the joy they give me, the strength they provide me with, when I have none of my own...THEY are my reason!!!!!
My marriage went from a fairy tale to a nightmare after Charlie died, something I never thought we could slavage and now it is stornger than ever....I miss my husband when hes at work and cant wait for him to get home. He calls me 4 times a day some days just to say "I love and miss you."
Now if only my son wasnt gone, wasnt stolen from this world, his life, from me, his brothers and sisters, his Dad, his family he loves and misses him so very much every, single day....life would be perfect!!!!That my friends as you all know, that will never be and so perfect is no longer something I am capable of living, perfect happiness will never be achieved, smiles without pain will never occur and the feeling of security I once had will never dwell within my soul again...those things, those are the things that try and rob me from my life, my children and some days I wish I could just give and up roll into a ball and disappear....I havent and wont, but I dont live a fantasy and know every, single day for the rest of my life will be work. The thing I truly understand now that I couldnt grasp before was this......yes, my son is gone and I have the right to be mad, I have the right to scream, cry. I have the right to feel the deepest sadness anyone has ever felt. I dont however have the right to blame my sons death for my behavior, I dont have the right to not love my children and give them the best lives imaginable because of my own selfish sadness and I dont have the right to let any of them down...they are my entire world and now, now I can say with 100% honesty that my sadness and my grief will not ever, ever be the downfall of their happiness, their successes it wont now nor will it ever be.
So, you see my friends this is why I havent posted much. There are those of you who will not understand this, those of you (who are far stronger than me) who have no other children, those of you who are so new to this journey and those of you who have been doing it longer than I have and cant understand how I can say these things....I have never wanted to hurt anyones feelings here or make anyone feel worse than they already do. I only share these things with you because without most of you, I never would have gotten to this point.
So...what time does and doesnt do?
Time has changed the way the way I "live". It has changed the way I handle my grief. It has allowed me to take a step back from my own feelings and consider the feelings of those around me and the possible affect I have on them.
What time hasnt done? It hasnt made this any "easier", it hasnt rid my heart of the pain and sadness that come with losing a child. It hasnt made me miss Charlie any less, it hasnt made me stop asking "why?" and "what if?" It hasnt stopped from trying to bargain with whatever powers that be to take me and let my son come back...it hurts, I HATE this life I have been forced to live and I HATE Charlie not being here where he belongs...with all of us who love and miss him so very much.
Now that Ive rambled on for far longer than I intended. I just want all of you to know that even when I dont post I read and I think of each of you every, single day and wish for peace for each of you....I hope someday, somehow, each of us can find a way to let a little bit of love and happiness into our hearts....it truly helps combat all that sadness that we are now forced to carry around...you and your children are never far from my thoughts!!!!
PS In the futrue we do plan on breeding our miniature donkeys and making a small family run business out of it....The name we have settled on.....Dragonfly Donkeys at He-Me Farms...I have no doubt ,Charlie would approve!!!
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