Looking for Someone to Correspond with my Mom, who is Hurting

[Sad4mom]

I pray there may be someone out there who can help my mother with the crisis she is dealing with. My sister, who is about to be 40, moved 4 years ago with her husband and 2 year old to Chile, which is her husband's homeland. My brother-in-law is a hard-working and good man who loves his family. Right from the first, my parents could not and would not accept this. Both my mother and my father are angry, non-accepting, and deeply negative about the situation. The two of them feed into and validate each others' non-acceptance by viewing the whole situation through a lens of "we have been rejected" and with the anger and blame they direct at my brother-in-law. My mother claims that she is "trying" to come to a healthier place with this situation but while this process is inching along slower than watching the grass grow, our whole family is in crisis and turmoil in several ways. The first way is that my mother claims it is too painful for her to have contact with my sister and/or her family while they are at home in Chile. So my sister has for all practical purposes lost a mother, and her children, a 6 year old daughter and a 2 year old son, have no contact with their grandparents. My sister misses and needs her mother, who shows no support or interest whatsoever in her life unless she is in the States during the summer for the 5 or so weeks that she is here with us visiting with her children. This is very painful for my sister. Another problem is that when my sister is in the States visiting with her children (and sometimes her husband), my parents make an effort to be happy with the visit but their anger, non-acceptance, blame, and resentment are so strong and entrenched that they can only conceal these emotions for so long. Eventually, the emotions surface and there are huge problems. This past summer, my sister was driven out of my parents' home distraught and in tears with her husband and her two children as emotions got out of control. Another problem is that me and my other sister are not only having a hard time not losing respect for our parents, but we feel that their influence of anger and negativity is harmful to us and our lives. We feel that they really bring us down as we struggle in our already challenging lives. They are forcing us to care for their unhealthy and dysfunctional feelings and behaviors in a way that adult children should not have to be doing with their mature parents. They are forcing us to continue to expend a great deal of distressing emotional energy on the unhealthy state our parents are in. It is hard for me to continue to sympathize with my mother in the face of all the dysfunction and agony that hers and my father's resistance has caused. So now me and my other sister are beginning to feel a need to create distance from our parents in the interest of self-preservation and taking care of our own lives. As we are really a very close-knit family, this is all very traumatic. For anybody who had the time and energy to actually read through this whole post, I am looking for someone to correspond with my mother. She has no support system and getting her to go to counseling would be like pulling teeth, although I am going to try. Is there anybody out there who is in a similar situation and can offer some words of advice/comfort to my mom??

[sevenofwands]

Hello Sad4mom:

"They are forcing us to care for their unhealthy and dysfunctional feelings and behaviors in a way that adult children should not have to be doing with their mature parents. "

That sentence totally encapsulates the situation, S4M, and I would add in the word "selfish".

IMO, (just my thought on the matter) I do not think it would be helpful for someone to correspond with your mother/parents on this issue, because they would be drawn into the drama-rama too.  One way or the other, your mother needs professional help in this matter, and there are evidently underlying matters on which she needs more help, because this is not normal behaviour.  Naturally she digs her heels in as regards going to a therapist, because a) she will not want to hear what the therapist has to say, and b) her present dysfunctional behaviour is a "comfort zone" which would be too much trouble to address.  Plain and simple.

Does she say WHY she feels this resentment towards your sister.  Taking a shot in the dark here......is it because she has married a non-American?  Your sister is lucky to have a good hardworking husband, and you know what:  They have taken the healthy route of putting distance between them and the dysfunction and attempted controlling behaviour.

You say: " but we feel that their influence of anger and negativity is harmful to us and our lives. We feel that they really bring us down as we struggle in our already challenging lives".

Too right!  And fortunately you are aware of this.
Why there is this dysfunction (root causes) is a matter for a professional to address with your parents, should they so wish.  It is all really a great pity.

You say: "now me and my other sister are beginning to feel a need to create distance from our parents in the interest of self-preservation and taking care of our own lives."

You have a sensible attitude in the midst of this turmoil, and you are aware that you do not need this toxicity to wreck your own lives.


You might like to have a look at this:
http://www.enotalone.com/article/4407.html

Wishing you patience and strength in this stressful situation.
Seven

[Sad4mom]

Dear Seven,

My sister and I are very grateful for your thoughtful, intelligent, and caring response. Also, thank you for the link you provided. I have printed out the material and will read it over. I will forward it to my parents and there is a chance they will read it but as sometimes happens, they probably will not see themselves in it.

If you have any other thoughts or words of encouragement, please don't hesistate to post again!!

Many Thanks,
Sad4mom

[sevenofwands]

Hello sad4mom:

Sadly, S4M, this will not be remedied by some well-intentioned person just "talking" to your parents.

There is a saying: "None so blind as thse who will not see". 

Meantime, there is this, which sounds like a sensible sort of book:

"Leaving Home: The Art of Separating From Your Difficult Family (Hardcover) David P. Celani ""Dr. David Celani meaningfully, forcefully, and poignantly confronts one of the most common pschyo-social issues of our time and of times past: the plight of the dysfunctional family and the attendant paradox of their offspring being unable to separate from them in adulthood to live their own lives. Dr. Celani beautifully addresses this problem and offers valuable guidelines for its sufferers. "

You and your sister are good people, who would like to see, naturally enough a happy outcome.

Best to you
Seven

[laurenE]

Well said seven.  I agree.  

You might also want to look up the book  "Toxic Parents".   It has been very good reading for me.

We teach people how to treat us.   Every one who rants and vents needs an audience.  If you choose to be that audience you are simply teaching them that its ok to talk bad about your sister and bro in law.  You will need to set strong boundaries on your parents for what you will listen to or put up with.  

If they try to pull you into their ranting and raving,  simply say "I see you're not in a good mood mother, so I am going to hang up now.  Please feel free to call me when you are in a better mood to talk".   or if they are at your house,  ask them to change the subject or to please leave until they can calm down and  talk about other things besides your sisters husband.    

 If there is no consequence for their behavior (ie.. you actually hanging up when mother still wont stop ranting after you have warned her),   then the behavior will not change.  There has to be a consequence  in order for behaviors to change,  just like putting a kid in time out  or grounding him changes  his behaviors more quickly than simply lecturing at him to "stop that".
 
This will either work well for you.  Or it will make them so angry that they choose not to call you and you will be on thier "S list" for awhile...maybe even a long while.   Either way you have to be willing to stick to your guns,  much like continueing to say "NO" to the child who is kicking and screaming in Walmart b/c you said NO to the toy he wants.  The worst thing you can do in that situation is give the kid the toy. If you do,  you have just given the child permission to throw a fit to get his way for the rest of his life.  

 Adults throw fits too,  just in different ways, such as the silent treatment  or the famous guilt trips "after all your mother and I have done for you"  bs.  

You cant change them.   But you can change how you deal with them and what you will allow yourself to put up with.  The above examples are known to work well in many families.  

I know the pain of unconditional love by my family as well.  My heart goes out to your sister.  She needs to continue to do her best to be a healthy person and wife/mother.   And sometimes that means leaving behind the painful dysfunctional parent.  or at least stepping away from it for 6 mos -yr,  to give herself time to heal and get strong enough to deal with them.      In fact,   something she may need to say to your mother is "mother,  I wont put up with you bashing me and my husband any longer.  If you do not stop,  I will no longer come visit you or call you".     And then she has to follow through with any threat or limit she sets.
Easier said than done,  I know.

Hope this helps,
lauren

[sevenofwands]

Absolutely the best advice, Lauren, and so sound.  That is the long and the short of it.  Maybe it is not quite what you want to hear Sad4Mom (by the way hope you are well, and not going through too much stress), but as Lauren has so eloquently said, it is the only method that may/will work.
And yes, it is easier said that done, because people are programmed to think "loyalty to family" no matter what.  That is a myth. 

A mother who REALLY does love her daughter(s) would not carry on like this.  She would want their happiness, their success, in their own lives and marriage.  Sure, she might feel a bit lonely that the daughters might be away, but she would make sure that when they come back on holidays or visits that they and their spouses/children are made warmly welcome.  That is "functional" behaviour, not the other kind.

It can be hard to face these truths, but if the cycle of dysfunction is to be broken, and it looks like your sister has got it right, Sad4Mom, then putting distance can be the only option.
In one of your posts Sad4Mom, you mentioned the expression "close knit".  That expression always makes me back up, because a "mesh" is close knit, hence the word enmeshment.  Not healthy at all. 
You  have yor own wonderful family, your sister has hers, and IMO it is important that THEY should be the most important people in your life.

We look forward to hearing how you are getting on Sad4Mom.

All the best
Seven 

[Sad4mom]

Dear Seven and Lauren,

We are very grateful for your caring and thoughtful responses. And of course, we agree. And there are just no "easy fixes - " there is no easy or short-cut kind of way to deal with this. It will just evolve slowly over time, and hopefully for the better. After the angry, violent, and dysfunctional scene that occurred at our house this past summer, with my sister fleeing our parents' home with her 2 small children and husband, one would think that she would be reluctant to go back. But it is not that easy. We love our parents very much and unfortunately, we pity them both deeply. Seven, you say that a mother who really loves her daughter wouldn't carry on this way and I know what you mean and of course in a way you are right. But the other side of it is that some people are not strong and healthy enough to love in a mature and non-selfish way. It doesn't mean it isn't love - it just means it's a limited kind of love. It's all the person is capable of, because the person her/himself is limited. I experienced this with my ex-husband. When he treated me badly, I questioned whether or not he could really love me. When I left him, I left him with the belief that he did love me, but it was a limited love that was the only love he was capable of. In his world, he loved me and did his best. In my world, it wasn't acceptable but I knew it was all he was capable of. I was able to up and leave. We cannot do that with our parents. We know our mother is limited in her ability to deal with this. We just don't know what to do about it and how to proceed in the face of it.

[sevenofwands]

Dear Sad4Mom:

Your post is so heartfelt, and my heart does go out to you. 
You say: "We just don't know what to do about it and how to proceed in the face of it."  As kind and loving people it must be such a dilemma, because of course you would like everything to be better.  That is just human and normal.  I do see that you have an understanding of your mother's inability to love in a mature and healthy manner.  No doubt there are reasons why she is like this, or what led her to be like this.  And that is of course a private matter, but people are not like that "just because."
A person who is unable to love is worthy of pity.  I can see how you would feel pity.  One can only hope that somehow or other your parents might find it in them to see a counsellor, or getting back to what you said about "someone to talk to them", would there be a sensible relative (if you have aunts, uncles, cousins etc?)  who would somehow help to allay all this misery. 

I also loved my parents very much, and I suppose it is hard for me to even see your dilemma, for the simple reason that my parents gave me my head and always wanted me to be independent.   I went abroad quite young, and I am sure looking back that my mother, and my father, must have felt it deeply, and yet never a word did they say that might make me remotely feel guilty.  So naturally I came back as often as I could, and always it was a fun and joyous time.  They were so glad to see me, and maybe I did not think sufficiently of how much they DID miss me, and their courage in never saying they wanted me closer to home etc.
I can remember hearing my father remark once to a friend, when talking about this: "Oh, you have to let them go".  is what he said.

As regards what to do, again, Lauren's post resonates.  I expect you could sit down and try to talk to your parents, ask questions as to why they feel they must act as they do, and what do they think they are gaining by doing so.   Then again, perhaps they are unable to say why they act as they do.  Abandonment fears, maybe, going way back in time.  I am reminded of something I read (maybe it is the title of an article or something "I hate you; don't leave me".)  The word "hate" here being used of course in the context of an outburst or tantrum.

You and your sister will do as you see most appropriate, and all our experiences, and ways of dealing with them, are bound to be so different.   What is important is to protect ourselves from being harmed and to keep healthy boundaries.  That can often involve what is called "tough love".

As Christmas approaches I  hope that you and everyone here does have a peaceful and pain-free time.

Hugs
Seven

[laurenE]

You said: 

"some people are not strong and healthy enough to love in a mature and non-selfish way. It doesn't mean it isn't love - it just means it's a limited kind of love."


well said!  We must have the same mother. 

lauren

[sevenofwands]

I just remembered hearing about this book:

"Will I Ever Be Good Enough"  by Dr. Kayl McBride

It can be checked out on Amazon etc.
Seven

[laurenE]

There is also a book called Understanding the Boderline Mother.  I dont know if your mother has a personality disorder, such as Borderline Personality (not to be confused with multiple personality disorder),  but you might gain insight into how a mean mother works.   I know it helped me beyond belief!

And seven,  you mentioned  "I hate you dont leave me".  Thats a book title about borderline personality disorder.  Older book.  I liked the one above better for my situation with mommy dearest.

[sevenofwands]

Yes, Lauren, you have said outright what immediately came to my mind from the moment I read Sad4Mom's first post.

The book you mention (I just had a quick look at it online) sounds very valuable.

It is a complex issue for the family, indeed, torn between the duty to love the parent, and the actual reality of the situation.

Best wishes
Seven