new person... 2 losses in 6 months

[h0ffman50]

Hi. This is my first time on here so I guess I'll tell my story.  I am a 29 yr old AF wife and mother of 4.  In March my father passed away suddenly from a heart attack.  I can't say I was shocked because I knew it was going to happen someday due to his lifestyle, I just didn't expect it to be yet.  He was only 58.  He had a heart attack.  We were living in AK at the time, my husband was deployed, I was doing my social work internship and my family lives in PA.  It was so hard.  My dad and I were close.  My mom was holding him when he died.  At the time, I would get so angry and frustrated with her because she wouldn't stop talking about what those last 15 minutes were like.  She wouldn't let it go.  Now I understand.
In September I got a phone call from my brother that my mom had a heart attack. She was 52. Thankfully I live in middle of the country now so I was able to go straight to Pittsburgh.  I expected to be there for a few days.  When I got there I was shocked.  She was in an induced coma.  They did it to help her brain heal.  They kept her on ice too.  It was so hard to see her hooked up to machines.  My mama was always such a strong person and always there for me.  I felt helpless.  Well, to make a long story short, her brain was damaged and we had to make the decision on whether to take her off of the respirator or not.  She was always very vocal about what to do if this situation ever occurred so there really was no decision for us to make.  It took 10 hours and it was the hardest 10 hours of my life.  They said she wasn't in pain, but it was terrible.  I just laid on the bed with her and felt so helpless because there was nothing I could do for her.  The last few minutes were peaceful and she looked beautiful.  But I can't believe they are both gone.  It doesn't even seem real.
I feel guilty for so many reasons.  I should have told her to go to the ER when I talked to her the day before.  I feel guilty because I didn't have the "come on barb, you can pull through this" attitude that everyone else at the hospital had.  I didn't feel her there.  I felt that she was already gone and while everyone else was telling her to come back I was telling her it was OK to go with dad.  What if she was there.  It doesn't even make sense to myself when I say it outloud but I can't help but feel terrible. 
I'm just so lost right now.  I feel bad because I am so lost in my grief for my mom that it makes me forget that my dad is gone too and then I'll remember...  my mom was my best friend.  My kids don't have any grandparents. 
My husband tries to comfort me, but its like he says... he doesn't truly understand how I feel.
I'm happy that my parents are together again, they would have been married for 31 years in May.  But at the same time I want to know, if my mom did have a choice and let go to be with my dad, why weren't we good enough.  Why couldn't she want to be with us.  I get so mad when people say she wanted to be with my dad because she had us to live for.  She had her grandkids to live for.  So I can't believe that she had a choice.  Maybe God took my dad first so that it she wouldn't be scared to go when it happened.  That is a comforting idea for awhile and then I'll feel like a little girl again who just wants her mama.

Thanks for letting me get it out...

Lost in NE

[cokieslittlegirl]

Hi Hoffman,

I am so sorry to have to welcome you to this site. It's awful that we all have to be here. But this is a helpful place to come when you need to and I think it's healing to get things out of your mind and at the same time encourage others.

I am very sorry that you are with out your parents now. It is a sickening feeling to think at 29 you are an orphan. I am so sorry.  I lost my Dad last Feb to cancer, he was everything a father should be to me and so much more. He was the center of my gravity.  I know that there was a time not too long ago starting from the minute he died that I didn't care what happened to me. I would have rather been dead than feel that pain...I still feel tremendous pain now, but I get breaks which leaves me my sanity. I willed death to come to me. I just didn't care. Although I couldn't take my own life (only because Dad would have been very disappointed), an illness, a deadly accident...whatever, I welcomed it and I really no longer fear death.

I wonder if that was a part of your Mom being able to let go.  When you are greiving for someone so essential to your life, as I am sure she still very much was over your Dad, nothing really matters anymore, at least for that time span. It is very difficult, as you know, to find strength in any form. Some days just getting out of bed or speaking in a complete sentence is a major milestone.  I can see with your Mom being so sick, maybe she just didn't have the strength...and it was ok, maybe even a relief, to let go.

I see beyond my greif a little more now and find myself looking to the future a bit more, where as even a month ago, I felt there was no future for me.  We have to learn to live without our precious, dear loved ones...somehow, some way. I feel I will fight with this my whole life.

I hope that you will be able to sort these things out somehow and be ok with what happened...in your own time.  I have seen a counselor and though I haven't realized it until recently that she has really helped me. I can talk to her and about my feelings, sadness, anger. Others, even those closest to you, tire of the sadness WAY before we do.  Peace and strength to you.  You are in good company here.

[Luvinmike]

Dear H0ffman50;
I am sorry for your losses in your family. So much grief and pain. It must be a challenge to adjust to this new world of yours. I hope you will talk with your husband and friends about your parents, and we are hear to listen also.
Tell us about them when you want to. In the meantime, deep breaths and baby steps. Take good care of yourself, be gentle with yourself, this helps a little. Thinking of you.
Terri

[georgiapeaches]

Dear Hoffman50,
I am glad you found this site, sorry for the circumstances, and I am so sorry for your loss. I agree with Terri. Take baby steps, get lots of rest and drink plenty of water , and come back and talk when you feel comfortable, were here to help.

Georgia.

[mousewife]

I'm sorry for the pain of losing both of your parents so young.  It is  very hard when they were so young.  The pain is great and often doesn't seem real.  But, there is no way to avoid it.  It has to be experienced in order for it to become less.  It takes as long as it takes.

It may help comfort you to talk about them with others and to find a way to remember and honor their lives as you go through the holiday season and on their special days.  That will insure that their importance and how they influenced you will not be forgotten.

Peace and Healing,
mousewife