They did it to me again

[laurenE]

My family betrayed and rejected me again.  I am hurting so much right now,  I dont know what to do.

My parents are both gone,  both died at very young ages.  My mother died 7 yrs ago, and my father when I was in middle school,  31 yrs ago.  My gma died just 6 mos after mom did.   My mother was abusive in every way.  I am pretty sure some of her behaviors were due to mental illness, which she was able to hide from the rest of the family.  The question still remains "which behaviors were due to mental illness, and which behaviors were due to her hating me?  And how can a mother hate her own little girl?"   No one would believe they things she did to me, behind closed doors.  And I am convinced no sane mother would ever want to do the sick things she did to me.  Sick.  Things you read in papers. 

 My younger sister , as well as the rest of the family (except for gpa) have disowned me for telling on my perverted uncle.  Lets blame the victim and call her the family liar. Instead lets support him and protect his precious reputation. Afterall,  hes a nice  man  who doesnt look creepy,  who works at a nice big company.  He couldnt possibly be a pervert.  WRONG!!!

So between my perverted uncle and my sick mother,  I am the one labeled a liar while the rest of them went on supporting the very people who abused me, all the while rejecting me, the one who needed a family the most.

As you all know,  holidays make the heart go home.  And in a week and a half,  it will be Thanksgiving, which of course means family and love and acceptance.  I have not gone to Thanksgiving for many many yrs, due to not being invited, which is fine b/c I have great inlaws.

 Anyway,  I get to missing my family during the holidays, so I look some people up just to see what comes up.  To my surprise my sisters name and a cousin show up.  I read further,  and it is an obituary for my favorite aunt FROM 2 WEEKS AGO!  The funeral is done and over, and no one had contacted me.   So I call my uncle sobbing, asking him what happened.  Thankfully he was kind and talked about her being in the hosp for a month, before she died.  A MONTH, and I was not allowed to be at her bedside, was not even informed of it.   He said he assumed someone would have told me. and assumed I chose not to go.  OMG! I never would have left her side.   But now, the funeral is long over and I can not get closure b/c I was not there.   

I am hurting so much right now,  I dont know what to do.  I HATE my family. I wish them all pain for the rest of their lives.  And I can not for the life of me even comprehend how someone could treat a person the way they have treated me.  Whats even more confusing is, they go to church.   Yea, I wonder what God has to say about that. 

I share this for 2 reasons.  One b/c I am in agony.  Feeling betrayed, alone, rejected by even a grandfather who knows and still has not chosen to tell me, despite my weekly phone calls to him, despite all of his words of "I love you"s.
 
And two.  I share this so that none of you will ever be so cruel as to not inform someone of the death of a loved one, robbing them of the chance to say good bye.  There is only 1 funeral people.  Only 1 chance for closure.  Dont ever do that to someone, no matter what you have heard about them,  and no matter what  they have done. good, bad or otherwise.  Who are we to judge?  Because it could be lies.  Lies and twisted truths and even info processed through the delusions and paranoia of a mentally ill mother.   

thanks for listening

laurenE

[sevenofwands]

Dear Lauren:


My heart goes out to you.  Words fail me, in the face of the terrible experiences you have had to endure, and the present agony you are suffering because of the actions of a number of what can only be called "insane" individuals. you did not and do not deserve this kind of treatment.  No one does. 
It wrings my heart to read this:
"The question still remains "which behaviors were due to mental illness, and which behaviors were due to her hating me?  And how can a mother hate her own little girl?" 

I wish I had an answer that would make it all right.  Insanity (and I think here we are probably talking about some kind of personality disorder) is a dreadful thing, and in its grip people do appalling things, even to their nearest and dearest, in fact PARTICULARLY to their nearest and dearest.   They have no ethical code, no boundaries, and are quite often themselves the product of abuse in their own infancy.  On the other hand, I think people have choices, but simply find it easier/lazier to carry on in a disordered fashion.   Lies and manipulation are their stock-in-trade, and their glibness means they can gull a lot of people.

Warm thoughts, Lauren, and do remember that YOU are a good person, YOU did not choose to be like your abusers, so by logic I think they do could have choosen. 

Seven

[Luvinmike]

Dear Lauren;
I am sorry for your pain in the betrayal from your family. I hope you find strength in the fantastic adult you have become. I am so sorry for what you went through as a kid.
(((Lauren)))
Terri

[Tom]

Lauren -  So sorry to hear this.  So much pain and so many angles for it to present itself.  You are surely in the belly of the snake and need to take just one chunk at a time.  What a tough spot.  I agree with both Terri and Seven.  Know that you are a loving adult and that you are having to deal with people who are less than capable in the psychological arena.  One chunk at a time.  It's so hard to maintain one's self in the midst of such denial and judgment.  Good that your husband is there and so good that you are reaching out. 

It's one thing to be abused. That, in itself, is overwhelming.  But it is another thing to be abused and then have those around you deny your experience.  Then on top of that to have those denying your experience scapegoat you and isolate you.    This is a tough spot.   We are with you.  One day at a time, one little chunk at a time.  I agree with Seven that you are taking the mature path and not passing on what has been done to you.  Good on you!

[Donna B.]

Lauren, so sorry you are in so much pain. Wish I knew what to say, but one thing is for sure you are a great lady and such a kind and caring person. I will be thinking about you Lauren during this hard time of the year. Thanks for all your words of encouragement and kindness to me.

Hugs and love to you
Donna

[laurenE]

Thank you so much for your support.  I always know where to run when I need someone to understand.

I  took my chances and talked to my aunts husband again last night.  I asked alot of questions and got alot of answers to this family turmoil.  Turns out I was right all along. This disownment is about the other uncle and aunt getting even for the accusations (which  are true).    Everyone else just goes along with it b/c she yells the loudest and has that much control.

 The conversation was a good one though,  very healing.   I will be going to the cemetary in the spring.   Until then,  I am dealing with those annoying grief bursts that we all deal with.   But I'm ok.   I just cant believe someone could be so cruel.

Thank you for the support and shoulder.  Its so good to have this room to run to.  Its so safe here.

lauren

[mousewife]

Lauren,

I am so sorry for the hurts that you are feeling right now.  I have been betrayed by family before too, so I feel I know a little bit of how wounding it is for you.  I have never experienced the depth of the wounding which you speak about, but I can imagine the compounding effect of having no one believe you and no one to stand up for you.

It takes strength and courage and a forgiving heart to still reach out to people who have wounded you so.  For myself, I have forgiven, but found the need to prevent myself from being further hurt by family who are toxic to me, by not being around them anymore.  This is an option for you to consider.

Re your comment about your family attending church, and the expectation that this would cause them to be better people, I think church involvement has little bearing on the state of a person's soul and heart. Personally, I think it is more about relationship.

I think you must be a very strong and persistent person to pursue additional information from your uncle,  and to realize that the rest was out of your control.  Making plans to provide your own closure by visiting her grave site seems like a good thing to do.

Sorry the holidays bring on such difficulty to so many of us.  I will be thinking of you as we go through this time.

Peace and healing,
mousewife

[laurenE]

mousewife,

Thank you for your loving support.  I was just realizing this week,  enlight of my aunts death,  how my focus is starting to shift.   It has shifted from the thought of   they  have chosen to reject me,  to  now  I have chosen to no longer want to be with them. 

  Even if I was guilty of being the family liar (which I am not),   it is not ok to rob someone of the opportunity to mourn the loss and say good bye to a dear aunt whom everyone knew was my favorite.  They took that away from me forever,  and  this is the final  bridge that they have burned with me.   Even if years later, after my other aunt is gone and my sister has no one to run to but me,  I will choose to say " I forgive you but I will never be able to trust you.  You made your choice years ago,  and now you will have to live with it".    How sad for her b/c she lost a really good sister and a really good fun relationship that we could have had all of these years.   But now its too late.

Until this aunt death,  I never would have said that.    But there comes a time when you've really truly had enough,  much like a woman who is beaten by her husband and keeps returning to him.   You just got to get to the place of having enough,  and I am there.   And Im thinking this is a really good place to be for me,  for now I can truely move on and stop pining for thier love and their acceptance,  and I can finally let go of the dream that someday they will finally see the light , that I'm not the one lying,  and come back to me.    That day will never come,  b/c I no longer need them.    I am free.    Deeply Deeply hurt,  but free.

lauren

[bluegrass1965]

Hi Lauren,
That is great about how your focus is shifting.  I have been through a lot of family problems due to a very controlling ex. It has literally taken me almost 20 years to learn to deal with his manipulation in a way that is healthy for me.  Some people are simply not emotionally healthy to be around due to their own issues, and while that is unfortunate in a family setting I know now it is not my responsibility to fix it.  I finally learned how to detach myself emotionally from his dramas, and my life improved immediately.  Every now and then when we are discussing things about our kids he starts the old games, and I immediately end the conversation. It is very empowering.

My regrets are that he was allowed to control our extended family for as long as he did. He was a punisher and cut off his own parents for a year when they wouldn't so what he wanted (he was in his 30s at the time). His mother died several years ago and his sister attributes her decline beforehand to how harshly he treated her.

Some people will just never get it...I love the quote, "You can't control what other people do. You can only control how YOU react to it."

Peaceful thoughts to you!

[laurenE]

bluegrass,  love the quote!   thank you!!!!!

I'm sorry for your experience as well.  There is a really good book about manipulators called "Whos Pulling Your Strings"  by  Braiker.    Worth the read.  I think I highlighted the whole book!

[sevenofwands]

I thought this was apt:

The Functional Family

F ills its function
U understands everyone's purpose
N nurtures - everyone's needs are met
C communicates frequently and effectively
T teaches the children what they need to know
I intimacy is available
O open to new ideas
N never punishes by shaming or withholding love
A always seeks to understand each other
L LOVE IS MOST IMPORTANT (including sometimes tough love)
F fights fair
A assists each other (teamwork)
M makes each individual important
I in times of trouble, focuses on solving the problem, support
L lets each member be an individual
Y YOU have the power to be functional, no matter what anyone else is doing

[georgiapeaches]

Dear lauren,
I am so so sorry for all your pain, and no I would never in my lifetime ever think of hurting anyone like that no matter how bad I felt for them. I am so sorry for the agony you are feeling. I wish I would have seen this post sooner, I didnt realize I was logged on, I was sick with the flu all week, very sorry for leaving my name posted on. you are in my thoughts and prayers always. (((((((Lauren))))))).

Georgia.

[MISSINGYOU]

Being betrayed by family is the worst in my opinion because they are the people that are suppose to be safe, loving and protective of each other and when they aren't the world we live in can become very unstable and scary because if we can't count on family, who can we count on?! In reality, we are capable of relying on ourselves and the healthy people we choose to associate with. I am sorry for everyone that has experienced this. I also have had unhealthy family experiences and had to make a choice to put down my weapons and control my actions and forget about theirs. It was hard at first because I chose to associate on surface levels with these family members, they did not understand what changed and attempted to sabotage what I was trying to do. Much like having a recovering alcoholic reenter the family after rehab. The alcoholics behaviors are changing and no one else is. My family has decided they don't want to understand me and some have moved on and are cordgial with me at the few gatherings we have. I am fine with that. Life is better that way for us. Take care everyone

Elizabeth

[laurenE]

Being betrayed by family is the worst.   I find myself not trusting anyone again.  Its so frustrating.  I have to keep reminding myself that not everyone is like them.

Georgia,  I hope you are feeling better.  Im sorry you were sick.  Glad you are back. Thanks for your support.  It was an emotional week .

Seven...very clever!  Thanks for sharing.

[sevenofwands]

Lauren:

Hope you, and everyone here who is in the U.S.A. have a very peaceful and - hopefully - happy, Thanksgiving. 

A really true saying is: "You can choose your friends, but not your family".

Best to all
Seven