Please forgive me if....

[Terry]

....I have discouraged deeply anyone so new or even not so new on this journey. It is never my intention to hurt anyone.

After sharing the other day, I 'did' think about those new here and along with the pain that never seems to end, there has been healing. A great deal of it.

I shared last night that I was very peaceful and that came from my heart. I've always been honest with my feelings; if I feel on top of the world or really good/happy....I have shared that. And, when I feel down and so sick from missing my babies, I have to also share that. Because this is how I came to be where I am today; able to run my own business; able to keep up the pace of caring for my Father; able to give all of the love in my heart to my Granddaughter; able to remember the 'good times' and the 'happy memories'; able to survive in an unforgiving reality that I must face everyday; able to 'forgive' those who have harmed me, my baby; able to forgive those who cannot understand and who have deserted me, for lack of a more politically correct /kinder word; able to open my heart to others who are new and those who are not new on this journey with me; and something that took a long time for me to do, but first I had to understand why I couldn't...be able to love deeply again without overwhelming and debilitating fear.

I've come a long way on a very hard and long road to walk, and sometimes crawl. But, I never gave up and I won't ever give up, on me. In all honesty, my faith is my greatest strength and has been since I was a small child. My openness to share my deepest and sometimes, darkest feelings is another strength.. I don't know how to be any other way.

Since Jeff died, I have changed, in my perspective toward life, people, my faith so many times that it has truly been major work to be able to reach the stable, steady and certain place where I am today. I'm as sure as I ever will be that where I am today is due to how hard I have worked on 'me.'

Have there been major factors that have contributed to the depth and the length of my grieving process? Oh yes and that will continue. I live in reality and I know that life brings us a new surprise around every corner and if not dealt with and in a healthy manner and time frame, the weight of this new problem/situation can cause great distress and many set-backs while grieving.

I really care deeply for others here and the reason I've written this tonight. I don't want anyone to ever think that you cannot survive this pain. Because you can. We do. We all do. And, it's by sharing it that lessens it. It's by loving others, that we too are loved. It's by opening our hearts to help someone who's feeling down, that we too are helped.

Throughout my day, I think of everyone here, often. I smile when I think of the awesome sign that 'baby doll' Taylor sent to his Momma, Brenda, and how excited and peaceful she felt. And, I smile when I think of the joy and the peace that Judy felt when her baby also sent her a sign, when Dougie showed up at home, unexpectedly. I smile when I read that Annie and Tanis had a ball, having a girl's day out together. I smile and was happy for Melissa and her family taking on a new venture and knowing her Charlie was guiding her toward it. I smiled and was so happy when Rebecca shared of her 'happy' day and one she truly enjoyed, with her husband. And, I smiled and cried tears of joy when I read the beautiful and touching tribute that Don wrote for his precious buddy Donny on his memorial site.

I could literally fill pages with the joy I've found from knowing you all.

All of this is "Healing." And, I thank God everyday that I'm able to 'recognize' it for what it is. It is a blessing.

Yes, we share this awful pain, but we also share the love, the joy, the peaceful, priceless and everlasting memories of our children. And they are....the greatest love of all.

I pray. I implore, that we all be granted the greatest gift of Heaven's Store...Peace.

My Love,
Terry

[laurenE]

Terry,

You write so well and speak so clearly of the constant ebb and flow of grief.  As  you have explained so well,  as the years go on, there will be mountain top experiences as well as times when you find yourself in the valley once again, and anything in between.  We come across those valleys less and less as time passes,  but they are still there nevertheless, another painful learning and strengthening experience.  Usually those valleys are not as deep, the pain not as intense as the earliest days of our grief,  but they still hurt, and they still confuse, and they still frighten us just the same.

You are correct when you say that writing out your pain is gift.  It is a healing gift and you should continue to use it .  Your strength comes from your faith, as did mine,  as well as the ability to find even the tiniest bit of light in a seemingly never ending walk of grief.  It is only then that we can truely find healing, peace, and a purpose to carry on. 

Thank you for showing your raw humaness to us.  I find that comforting, and  enocouraging to others here. 

 Before I experienced true deep gut wrenching grief, 7 1/2 yrs ago,  I would oftentimes run across someone who was many many years into their grief . They were smiling,  happy,  making plans, carrying on, loving people, making a life and enjoying the holidays.   I would wonder to myself  "has the grief just hardened her to any kind of  emotions or pain or humaness ?? or has she simply just healed alot and is able to enjoy a seemingly normal (new normal)  life?"     Now I know, as well as you have explained it here too,  that it is the latter.   Its hard to understand how eventually the new normal could feel so good most of the time,  when the people we love have gone so far away from us. 

  Healing.  Peace.   It is achieveable after the death, but it takes many years to get there.   There were times  I would feel guilty for it, as if I should keep the pain all to myself to somehow "prove" that I was "a good daughter" and loved my mother dearly.   What I eventually learned is that pain does not equal love. Never has,  never will.  Just as pain does not equal love in a romantic relationship when one is abusing the other,   pain does not equal love in grief.   Loving someone brings pain when they leave us, when they die  or  when they fall short of perfection,  but to intentionally hold  onto the pain forever, like I was chosing to do at one point,  does not prove anything, other than umm maybe some stubborness , which I have been known to be sometimes,  and a whole lot of confusion.   

Thank you for sharing your humaness.  I think it can give others hope in that although there are  still dark days,  there can be some joy and peace as the years move on.

Again, you write so well .  I can certainly relate to your words.  I think I wrote of very similar feelings in my own grief journey yrs ago.
Keep writing, keep sharing.

lauren

[Dottie (Tammie's Mom)]

So well written.

I am 4 years into this journey of grief and it is because of this special place and the people here that I have healed along the way.

I was lucky enough to find this group early in my grief, I felt my precious daughter Tammie lead me to it. I needed it so badly.

I have made dear friends here and have been able to share the deepest darkest feelings of grief along with feelings of healing.

HUGS to all on this journey,
Dottie Tammie's Mom

[Judy, Dougie's Mom]

(( Terry ))

Thanks for posting this, I feel every word you have written.

Your words are always encouraging as we all struggle along this road we walk and crawl. Healing and peace is what we all strive for.

Sending hugs
Love
Judy

"MAKANA LIVES"
forever in my heart

[MelissaCharliesMom]

You couldnt have put it more eloquently....it is true this is the place where I too, come to share my deepest, darkest moments. Yes, I have shared some joyous ones too, but I feel safe enough here to say, "I cant do this today." Or "I dont feel like I can go on." Safe in knowing that one of you, some of you or often all of you will understand and not immediately think Ive gone completely insane. It is easy to find others who have lost a parent, brother, sister, grandparent, aunt, uncle , but the pain though sad and gutwrenching is just different than the pain you live with when youve lost a child. Very, very different. It helps to read what others have posted, to know you are not alone on this path. In the darkest moments and the weakest days it is good to know that even if no one else understands someone here does...
While I would never want someone new or newer to this journey to read nothing but discouraging things I think it is important to share the truth with them...all of it. Even the nasty, miserable, deepest, darkest feelings. Since losing Charlie I have found it incredibly irritating to hear, "Time heals." Or my favorite, "It will get better." Its all such crap!!!Time changes it, it gets different, but it never heals, it never gets "better"..the loss is with you always and the pain is too. Yes somewhere along the journey we are able to find moments of peace and happiness again, but the pain and the missing and the wishing it was different never goes away.
How thankful I am to have found such wonderful, inspiring friends to walk this road with me..without you, who knows where I would be...and for those who are newer or new to this journey. Ppour your heart out here, dont ever fear being judged  or ridiculed or misunderstood. This is a safe haven and yes we walk right beside you....it is an unfortunate place to be, but I couldnt think of any others Id rather share this journey with.Sending strength and peace.

[Barbara]

Well said all.....You reflect my feelings exactly.....Thank you
Barbara (Patrick's mom)

[Dena]

Terry,

You have also found the gift of journaling!  I find it helps me so much and has helped me along this journey.  There are times when I go back and read what I had written in those early days and have one of those "wow" moments.  Did we really go through all of that.  Yes, we survived.

Love,
Dena, Josh's Mom

[Brenda Taylors Mom]

So very well written, yes i so agree. I find strength in the honesty here.. the good days, the horrible days.. like Melissa said it is important to share the truth. I don't write well, but it does come from my heart and I dont know where I would be without every one of you here. When I go to my computer, this is the first place I go to, even if it's to read, even when I can't find words to post. I feel safe, loved, understood and cared for. Terry, you've given me more strength to open up, and I thank you for that. I love you all here, I love our children. There isn't a day goes by I don't think of one of us or our children.. things I see, or hear will remind me of Taylor and /or somebody's child on here. This is an awful, hard life to live now, but I am grateful and blessed to have you all.
Love, Brenda

[Annette]

All of you help me so much. Especially when I am in those "dark places" like I have been lately. When I've really been contemplating suicide, which is a horrible, horrible thing to contemplate.

Terry, your posts do lift me up and help me have hope for the future... that I'll even experience a future...

My own father committed suicide when I was only 2 years old. I have often worried that it could be an inherited problem. I don't know the answer to that. I always thought I would never, ever contemplate it, but after my baby died, I just wanted to end the pain. So much pain and not being able to get rid of it, and not wanting to, because I love my child.

Thank you all. I feel I ramble. It's the best I can do right now when I come here. I long to meet all of you and just chat. Share our children and cry together. I don't know if it would be helpful or not, but it's what I wish could happen. You are the loveliest people I know.

Love,
Annette

[Terry]

Thank you Judy, Brenda, Annette, everyone for sharing that you find comfort in my words. This means a lot and I appreciate it, very much. I find the 'same' comfort in yours and have for as long as I've been coming here. You all mean a great deal to me, and I hope my post expressed exactly how I feel.

Because I meant it when I said that I think of you all, often. Most of you here know me the way no one else does and probably never will. I've always shared openly about my life, what's going on, my business, family/holiday issues, court, neighbors and tell everyone here things that I have never shared with anyone else.

I picture each one of you, as I'm typing, as I'm reading your response and what you might be doing, how the weather is in your area and even imagine your surroundings. It may be the Internet and a keyboard and a screen but you're all very real and special to me. I wanted, again to tell you this.

Thank you for always being here for me.

You all have my love,
Terry

[Terry]

Hi Lauren, Thanks. I appreciated your response. The time you took to write it. Something I wanted to elaborate on, briefly, (or, I'll try) regarding something you mentioned:

You wrote: "They were smiling,  happy,  making plans, carrying on, loving people, making a life and enjoying the holidays.   I would wonder to myself  "has the grief just hardened her to any kind of  emotions or pain or humaness ?? or has she simply just healed a lot and is able to enjoy a seemingly normal (new normal)  life?"

Although I can/do smile, and I am happy a lot of the time, and I can still love deeply, making plans (long term) and enjoying the holidays is something I have not been able to accomplish. And, that's ok. I really can't find a reason to enjoy a family event when so many are missing. There is such an emptiness that time will never fill, ever.
Christmas holds a special meaning for me due to my faith and I do acknowledge certain aspects of it, but it ends abruptly soon after. And, that's ok too. I've never felt guilt about how I feel or don't feel according to the time of the year and especially when it comes to my faith. The deep love I feel for my Higher Power has always been the sole purpose I am able to live the way I do.

I've lost many people in my life, Lauren and from the time I was 10 years old. This is a young age to be able to understand death, the finality of it, the devastation it brings and again, the never ending emptiness that no one, no where can ever fill.

After 33 years, I still and very much, miss my Mother. She died when she was only 48 and was such a shock to all of us and very hard to accept. My father has never been the same. He withdrew terribly and this continued into his later years and then he developed Alzheimers and today is not doing well. We think that the only reason he smiles now, is that he doesn't remember my Mother, which is a blessing for him. For years, we didn't see him smile.

And, over the years, I learned how to walk 'without' others and continue with my life, along with the sadness that I've always felt. It has been a difficult life to live.

Within 7 years, I lost my mother, all 4 of my grandparents, my favorite aunt, 2 cousins in the Viet Nam War, my husband in the Viet Nam War and the worse loss that a human being should have to live with, 2 of my children.
And, I do not, in any way by sharing this, wish to diminish the great pain that is felt by 'anyone' when they've lost a family member...mom, dad, husband, wife, brother, sister and so on. And, I have to say that my greatest loss, before my children was my mother because she was my best friend and greatest means of support. I know in my heart that my life, my heart...all of me would have been much different were my mother still alive.

I have heard from those who have not and who 'have' lost a child tell me they 'know' how I feel, losing all of my children. They'll say, "I understand." Yes, they may know the pain of child loss and on that level we can relate, I agree. But, if they have other living children at home, they should 'NOT' say, I understand what it is like to lose ALL of your children. Because they do NOT!!!! I still have very little patience for others who create such pain with their words. And, the reason this is the ONLY place I can come without having to be subject to a basic lack of compassion.

And, getting back to what you wrote once again...You wrote: "They were smiling,  happy,  making plans, carrying on, loving people, making a life and enjoying the holidays.   I would wonder to myself  "has the grief just hardened her to any kind of  emotions or pain or humaness ?? or has she simply just healed alot and is able to enjoy a seemingly normal (new normal)  life?"

Grief has 'not' hardened me. (I know you did not suggest that in your statement) In fact, just the opposite. I have become more human and much more vulnerable. Humble. Very humble. Grateful. Very grateful. But, I do understand Lauren exactly what you were saying by what you've seen and I agree with you 100% in that, grief 'does' and 'will' harden our hearts, but only if we let it.

And, although yes, I have healed and a great deal over the years, contrary to what many others thought and feared that would 'not' happen, given the amount, the depth of my losses, my soul continues to be torn in places (and at certain times in my life and due to the effort I have made to help myself want to live in a very unforgiving and at times, cold existence) where there are now scars and scar tissue keeping it intact and they have roughened over the years, become painful with certain movement and I call this movement...living.

But, it is in the pain from losing my children where my soul still bleeds and burns like an open sore. Nothing could ever begin to heal those places. Only when I am reunited with them, will I once again be complete.

I continue to 'move' with at times, little to no reason in the hope that if I fake it long enough, the reason will 'kick-in' and I will gracefully continue on. The healing has enabled me to not 'have' to fake it for as long as I used to. Healing comes in many forms. This is just one.

We are complicated human beings and our grief is also complicated, unique. It is complicated by loss and pain that accompanies it and even social indifference throughout the events of our past that continue to be entangled in our present lives.

And, this 'new normal' you've mentioned and something we all talk about here on this board with one another, it, too is constantly changing. It has become tolerable to live in this state of uninvited 'newness' and there are times when it cannot be tolerated and it's at that time when others make the decision to not be a part of 'any' movement, any longer.

I guess the 'share briefly' I mentioned earlier before writing this, no longer applies! But, to be honest with you, I never know what I am going to write, what thoughts/feelings will emerge until I start writing.

And, sometimes it's healthy to be reminded, or to remember, if you will how we came to be where we are today. I know that 'I' need to do this from time to time. And, I'm not suggesting in any way, that we all stage a 'pity-party' and think about everything in our past so that we can boo-hoo for a day or two. No, just the opposite. I feel it's very important to remember that we are the result of our life's events and the healing that has come about has been because we continue to recognize that we feel a certain way because our hearts, our souls have been battered and we must take very special care of all of those very special parts of us. Because, in the end, when all is said in done we have ourselves to answer to for how we've lived our lives. For the choices we've made. And, to remember, and always that we are fallible and precious and capable of greatness. All of us are.

There is so much love, beauty in sharing of our hearts and others allowing 'their's' to be touched. It is in giving ourselves permission and by trusting, to lay open, be vulnerable that also opens the door for others to realize that they, too do not have to carry their burden alone. By sharing it, their burden is lightened as outstretched hands reach farther than they've ever dreamed they could, and without fear of rejection, without fear of judgment because it's only then that we can truly experience unconditional love.

Thank you Lauren. Your response brought out a lot of feelings in me tonight.

My love and appreciation to all of you,
Terry