The Month of Hell and Happiness

[MelissaCharliesMom]

I HATE November!!!Hate it and LOVE it!Its the month 3 of our 5 kiddos were born. Emma will be 6 on the 14th, Charlie would have been 16 on the 16th and Sophia will be 1 on the 24!!!Whats wrong with that statement?!The "wouldve been 16"...I HATE that part!!!
Ive a had a rough few days and have calling hours for our hairdresser friend who died last weekend tomorrow. Its at the same funeral home that Charlies services were!!!Im dreading it!!
I feel like half of me is dead and the other half is dragging the dead half around searching for some glimmer of hope, some ounce of true happiness...both of which are eluding me at the moment.
My kiddos, oh my kiddos, how I cling to them during these times...these days that are harder than the hard days...which doesnt even seem fathomable!Without them thered be no possible way I would be capable of going on and those of you that do are far, far stronger and far better a person than I could ever be!
Charlie would be eligible to get his driving permit in 11 days and he wont be here, he wont be here for prom or graduation or to watch his brothers and sisters grow up!!No daughter in law, no babies...nothing!
But all of you here know that already dont you!? And I am so very, very sorry that any of us have to live this life filled with so much pain. I am learning to cling to the moments of happiness, cling to the hope, cling to the love of my precious babies because without those things I just couldnt live with this pain anymore.
Yes, November a month full of happiness and the deepest sadness a parent can ever know..and somehow, someway I have to find the strength to keep going.
Thanks to all of you for all youve done and continue to do for me ...Im sorry any of us have to be here.
Sending strength and peace.

[Kathy]

Dear Melissa,

I understand your words, oh how I understand.

Love,
Kathy-Don's Mom

[Terry]

Thank you, Melissa, and no, I hadn't read it. I came on here and just started banging these keys and then went for a really long walk. It helped.

I'm sorry for your pain, too. So many birthday's/dates for you and missing your Charlie so much and his birthday coming up on the 16th...OH MY...I'm sending you the biggest hug.

The only positive change I've seen; (and I really shouldn't dismiss it so casually as the 'only' because it is a huge change)
When November comes, since it is the beginning of what more is to come. Michelle's Birthday, Michelle's Angel Date, Jeff's 7 year Angel Date, Jeff's Birthday and then those glorious holiday's in-between...and then there is the strength that I seem to always find; the peace that I seem to always feel and I believe this is from working very hard to heal my heart.

So, there has been a tremendous amount of healing even though the pain is deep and dark at times, the healing shines through much brighter.

I was a real "case" this morning but I am feeling peaceful tonight.

There's more to come, I know this, but I continue to hold on and tightly to what has always kept me grounded. And, I think that's all that any of us can do. We are all much stronger than we feel at times or we wouldn't still be here.

And, when it all seems to feel just unbearable, we come here where we don't have to explain any of our feelings and we can be understood.

Big Hugs and love to you and your kiddos!!!
Terry

[Judy, Dougie's Mom]

(((((((  Mellissa  ))))))))

I understand and so wish it was different. 

Love
Judy

"MAKANA LIVES"
forever in my heart

[Brenda Taylors Mom]

Sadly, I too understand all too well

[Dottie (Tammie's Mom)]

(((((((Melissa)))))))

Sending you hugs and caring thoughts,

Dottie Tammie's Mom

[Annette]

Melissa,

I love your posts of your family and your children and your loves and your pain. My family is different, because I only had two boys (not by choice, I always wanted more), but the same in the pain of the child who wouldn't get to experience so much of what life does have to offer. The pain and the loving feelings. So bittersweet.

I love you and your children, and feel I know you somehow, even Charlie, through pictures. I honestly think that in Heaven our babies all know each other and look down on us and love us, while they're waiting for us to join them.

My heart goes to you, along with my love. You are a wonderful mom, to all your children and to Charlie. Sweet Charlie with the gorgeous face.

love,
Annette