Torn. Angry and hurt

[Samantha44]

Hi, I don't know where to start today. I feel that if I don't try and get some help, I'm going to explode and become very ill. I read other people's messages and I feel so much respect for the courage that so many of you show dealing with all that life has thrown at you. Also the kindness and thoughtfulness that you show to others here. But I also feel total confusion and hurt when I read your descriptions about the loving relationships that you had with the people you've lost. You have happy memories and a bond with the person you've lost in most cases.

I feel as if I'm experiencing a different type of grief because I longed to have a bond with my Dad or even for him to think I was worth something. I feel cheated and confused. I don't know if my Dad loved me at all. He wasn't really a Dad at all as he left when I was 7 or 8 and didn't come home for 8 more years and then asked me to leave and find a flat.  I never heard any kind words ever from him and he didn't bother to see me or send me a card or gift throughout the majority of my childhood. I don't understand how he could do that? I suppose I never will.

He was a very young, fit 81 year old when he died and he died in a horrible, traumatic way without dignity or even any awareness of what the hell was happening to him. I am VERY angry about that. It's been 7 months. My poor Mum didn't hear him shouting until his last 15 minutes and I was 10 minutes too late to see him alive at the Hospital.

We are a very close family so we have always spent time with eachother a couple of times a week. I thought that I had accepted that he didn't love me but didn't realise how important his love was to me. He was my Dad. During his last few months he became a tiny, vulnerable man who appreciated his family and was probably shocked at how much love and care we all showed him when he needed us. (He had lung cancer although this wasn't his cause of death). I am glad about this but in a way it makes it more painful for me now that I did see a more human side. It was probably easier to see him as a cold, bad tempered man. That way I could just say the reason he was so awful towards me was because he was just an awful man. But he showed a side I'd never seen and he seemed grateful by the attention I gave him and meals I cooked for him, etc. I think that this is one of the causes of the confusion. He became a real person and I felt as though he could see me at last. I'm thinking out loud here and have only just realised this as I'm writing.

His funeral was a massive affair with coachloads of soldiers coming in from all over England. Hundreds of them. We had pipers, drums, etc. I heard so many stories of this wonderful, kind man. Stories from his friends' children about how kind and brilliant he'd been with them while I was a little girl living only a few miles away. My older sisters, (9 yrs difference between us?), had a completely different childhood with him and remember him being a Dad to them. I am totally confused and don't know how to sort out the mess in my head. It's so painful and making me feel like some sort of awful, inferior person. My own Dad could do that.

My Mum has been so ill and my sister for the last 5 months and I've been trying to juggle taking care of them, my job and taking care of my kids and my partner. I haven't had time to grieve and I don't know when I'll be able to fit it in as I'm never stopping running between all of these responsibilities.

I lost my much loved sister, Carol suddenly 7 years ago so know how grief feels and how crazy you feel at times but this is SO dfferent and I don't know where it's all going to lead. It's not getting better. I'm going to try and find a good counsellor but I am already a fully qualified counsellor (but not practising anymore), so I find it difficult to receive counselling because I can usually guess how they're thinking and where they're leading me, etc. Its hopeless! I don't know what to do except hope my mind finds a way to process this flooding of information and new pain and find a new path to follow.

I'm sorry that my message sounds so lacking in hope. I am a positive person and I know logically that this will all pass at some pont in the future. But knowing something logically and feeling or believing it are two different things at times, arent they. Thank you for listening to me talking and talking..... I know I write a lot and I hope that this is ok. It helps me so much.
Thank you to anyone who's managed to read and/ or understand any of this message.
Wishing you a little peace this evening.
Love
Sam x

[sevenofwands]

Dear Sam:

Keep writing, as I am sure many of the kind people on here will have words of comfort and encouragement for you.
Yes, I have read and re-read your message, and I do understand what you are saying.  And no, I do not understand why your father would have treated you in that fashion. 
You say: "I never heard any kind words ever from him and he didn't bother to see me or send me a card or gift throughout the majority of my childhood. I don't understand how he could do that? I suppose I never will.
"""
I do think, IMO, that it would be helpful for you to see a therapist.  Not sure what you mean when you say you would guess where a therapist would lead you?  What is certain is that you cannot be led to forgive if you do not feel like it.  That might go against certain types of thinking, but, well, I don't think it is healthy to force yourself to feel what you do not feel.  You have every right to feel upset and angry that you had a father who did not love you. 

Another thing: Sam, nothing is quite as it seems in this life.  If there is one aspect of life I have discovered at a mature age, well that is it. 

Evidently, and it is difficult because your mother is not well, there is a lot of talking to be done.  You are entitled to ask why - or what the thinking is - your father acted towards you as he did.  Maybe it is painful to ask this, but if you are to get some peace then ask you must. Families are strange things!  Always secrets and mysteries. Families are not not the chocolate box ideal we are sort of programmed to think.

I wish you peace of mind, and also that you look after your health.  Your own family need you.

Take care
Seven

[sevenofwands]

Sam:

This is part of what our Kevin had to say to you back then....

"Kevinjj said, "Loss gets so complicated when there  are so many unresolved issues and I believe it is pretty easy for real feelings to get masked and hidden by what we think we should be feeling when deep inside we feel just the opposite. Its hard to pretend something existed that really didn't exist and I suppose in some cases, grief is more about what we never had than what we lost".

No wiser words, indeed.

All the best
Seven

[Samantha44]

Hi Thanks for your words and for reading my long message. I will think about what you said. I am genuinely grateful that you care enough to give me so much of your time.
What I meant when I said that I might be able to guess where a counsellor might be trying to lead the session, etc I meant because I am a counsellor myself and know how sessions and reactions are generally handled and how a session is managed by a counsellor, rounding up, etc. I find it hard to be a client and not the counsellor taking a back seat and watching, etc. It's a difficult situation.

Also I don't think I understood what Kevin meant at the time when he wrote me that message. I felt, (probably wrongly) that he was saying that I am not grieving for the loss of my Dad but the loss of what we/I could have had, (ie not a real loss of a person I loved?). Despite his failure as a father to me during my childhood, I loved him so much and feel so much pain and anger about the awful way he had to die. He didn't deserve that and neither did my Mum. I am grieving for him as well as feeling cheated of what we could have had. He isn't in my life anymore and in spite of everything I do miss him. I saw him virtually every other day of my adult life. I hope that you understand what I am trying to say very badly I'm overtired and my brain is a bit warped at the moment. It's so good to talk to you though and I hope that you don't mind my being a little unhinged at the moment. I;m not normally like this.
Thank you again, Take Care,
Sam xx

[sevenofwands]

Dear Sam:

You are doing fine, and your posts are very eloquent.  You must be so tired, what with all the responsibilities you have, and the mind can go into overdrive, as I well know.  Yet you are expressing so well what you are going through.

The fact that you were, and are, capable of love, is a wonderful thing.  It is hugely sad for those who do not have that capacity.  They are really the ones losing out, that is for sure.  Feelings and emotions are complicated things, as you well know,   You say:

""I am totally confused and don't know how to sort out the mess in my head. It's so painful and making me feel like some sort of awful, inferior person. My own Dad could do that.
""

I can assure you that you are neither awful or inferior.  You are a good, kind person, and nothing can change that. 


By the way, if any time you feel it might help to PM me, please do feel free.  I am in "the other island" just across from you LOL.


Best wishes to you for a peaceful day
Seven

[Samantha44]

Thanks Seven,
You're obviously a kind and loving person yourself. I love the way you described yourself as being "on the other island just across from me".

I've just had a really nice evening with my son and partner waking along the prom by where I live watching the firework displays from both sides of the water and lighting foreworks. My son loved it!! We lit sparklers and we had lots of goodies packed in a bag to eat while we walked. We walked miles and miles. I have been discovering how much long walks help. Do you find this? If I become down or feel like I can't cope with anything, I just get myself out on the prom and walk for hours sometimes. It's so therapeutic and I feel my head clear by the time I get home. Bad weather makes it even more refreshing and mind clearing too!

I feel a little better tonight after talking to you today and getting out and seeing some great fireworks and also seeing my son so happy.
Thanks again. Sending you a peaceful night too.
Love
Sam xx

[sevenofwands]

So glad, Sam.  That is good, getting out for those walks.  I find it bracing to get out, even in cold weather.  You are quite right, it does clear the mind.  So you enjoyed the Guy Fawkes celebrations with your partner and your son.

I do hope your mother is a little better.

Take care
All the best
Seven