New to the board

[sheshe1966]

I posted the following message on the "Introducing our Children" topic and was told people might not see it so I thought I would repost here.

Hi, I am new to this board, I came across it a couple of months ago shortly after my son died.  I have come back several times and read a lot of the posts and I decided to tell you a little about my son.  Nathan was born on June 30, 1989 and took his own life on June 29, 2009 the day before his 20th birthday.  Tomorrow will be 4 months since he passed and I miss him so much it feels like I will never be happy again.  He was a very special child and young man, everyone who met him fell in love with him. The past few days has been harder than normal and I think it is because he has been on my mind more than normal.  I think about him from the time I get up until the time I go to bed.

[Terry]

((((( Nathan's Mom )))))

I am so sorry for your great loss and thank you for sharing a little about your precious son.

You have found a safe place to come to share all of your feelings because we all understand the awful pain of losing a child.

"There are times when I want to talk about him to someone anyone but I feel like noone wants to go there."

We all understand this statement, very well and it hurts when others do not want to hear about our losses. But, here there is always someone who wants to listen, who wants to know more about your darling Nathan.

I look forward to hearing more about Nathan when you are ready.

You have my love and many hugs.
Terry

[sheshe1966]

Thank you so much Terry.  I feel like the only time I can cry anymore is when I am by myself so my mom and husband do not worry.  I cannot express in words what a wonderful child and young man Nathan was.  He never gave me any trouble at all when he was growing up.  He moved to Pennsylvania almost a year before he died.  I talked to him on the phone a few hours before he committed suicide and he seemed fine.  The last time I had seen him alive was in May, he had plane tickets to come home on Tuesday for 4 days but he committed suicide on Sunday night.  On the phone he was planning what we were going to do when he came home.  The only comfort I have is that our last words to each other were "I love you" before we hung up.  I talked to him every day if he didn't have time or feel like talking he would text me to let me know he was ok and he would call the next day.  I miss him so much it hurts.

Thanks again,

Sheila

If anyone would like to see my Myspace account which is dedicated mostly to my son the address is:  http://www.myspace.com/schittum

[Terry]

((((( Sheila )))))

Thank you for the address to your site in memory of Nate. It is very nice. The song you've chosen "Precious Child" is so very beautiful. The first time I heard it, it was sent to me by a Board member here on webhealing, her screen name is "Grainofsand" (she is really awesome) and sent it to me on the 6th year Angel date of my precious son Jeff.

Again, I am so, so sorry and just know we are here for you.

My love,
Terry

[Judy, Dougie's Mom]

(((Sheila)))

I am so sorry for your loss and glad that you have found us.  There is understanding and comfort here.

You are so new to this difficult journey, please be gentle with yourself.  It really is deep breaths and baby steps.

Sending strength for your journey

Love
Judy

"MAKANA LIVES"
forever in my heart

[sheshe1966]

Thanks Judy.  I am really having a tough time tonight, I never dreamed that I would have to bury my baby, it's not supposed to be that way.  I miss him so much.

Terry, GrainofSand sent me that song and it just fit how I feel and that is why I put it on the myspace page, I didn't have any music on it before I heard that song, I felt that I wanted to put it on there to share with anyone who looks at my page but hasn't heard that beautiful song.  I also looked up the lyrics and put them in a blog.

[Rebecca]

My condolences as well.  We are all here, plodding along...some newer some older on this road.  My son Jason had a heart attack at 31, almost 5 years ago.  When I see 5 years all I can do is shake my head.  It still seems as impossible today, probably more so.  As Judy said, this is a safe place and reading and writing is so helpful.  U will encounter more and more the discomfort about talking about Nathan because I believe people don't know what to say.  Whenever I mention Jason's name and a story to people in my office who did not know him, I can see they are uncomfortable.  It doesn't stop me.  They talk about their children and if the moment brings back something about Jason I say it.  It helps me.
Rebecca Jason's Mom

[Wadesmom]

My heart hurts for you and with you.
I'm so sorry for your loss yet glad that you found the webhealing forum.

 My thoughts are with you & Nathan.
~minute to minute, moment to moment- one day at a time~

hugs,
Wadesmom

[sheshe1966]

Rebecca and Wadesmom thank you both so much for replying to my post.  It means so much to me that people are not uncomfortable with me talking about Nathan.  I wish none of us or anyone else has to go through the pain of losing a child, I believe that is the worst pain in the whole world.  I have lost my dad, grandparents, aunts and uncles, and a brother but it seems that this loss is so much harder than the others.  Thanks for keeping us in your thoughts.

Sheila

[Donnys Dad]

Dear SheShe

I am so very sorry for the loss of your Son.  I can think of no worse way to lose a child.  All loses are of course tragic and wrong.

My Son, my only Son, our Baby in the Family, and my Best Friend took his own life just hours after I left his house on June 13, 2004.  He was 30 and we were extremely close and saw each other every day.

The pain you are feeling I know is horendous and I wish I could ease it.  Every day I still miss Donny so much and wait for him to open the door.

Please know we are all here for you so please come back and tell us more about your precious boy.  I am so very sorry

Don

[sheshe1966]

Thanks Don for the kind words.  I see it has been a while since some of you have lost your child, I was wondering if it gets any easier as time goes by, right now it doesn't feel like it can ever get better.  A lot of people tells me as time goes by it gets easier, but I wonder if it has for some of you who have been on this journey longer.  I feel guilty at times if I find myself having a little bit of fun or if I start enjoying something.

Thanks,

Sheila

[Annie1973]

Dear Sister Sheila,

My Dan died on June 7th, 2008. He tripped and fell, hitting his head on an oak bedpost, his neck was broken and he died, instantly. He was my only child and I hurt so bad for missing him. Like you and your Nathan, Dan and I were buddies and we talked nearly every day. I know in my heart that Dan was there to meet your sweet boy and hand him a fishing pole. Nate is among friends and he's okay. Whatever pain or distress he was in when he died is gone now.
We are here to walk this tortuous path with you, to be at your side and love you. It is our priviledge to hold you up when you need strength and a bit of sanity.
I'm looking forward to seeing your tribute to Nathan.
Much love,
Annie (Dans mom)

[Brenda Taylors Mom]

Nathans Mom, I'm so sorry you are joining us here. I am glad you found us though. There is nothing worse than the loss of a child. I'm so very deeply sorry. My son Taylor was 14 years old when he and his best friend Caleb also 14 were hit and killed by a man who was speeding and out of control.  Just one moment at a time is all you can do,, take care of yourself and come and share Nathan with us as much as you can... Love, Brenda

[Terry]

Hi Sheila,

Everyone grieves differently. If you find something to laugh about, laugh!!! There's nothing wrong with that, at all. At 4 months, I don't think my son Jeff's death, was even real to me. It seemed the more time that went by, the more I missed him.

I believe we learn to walk 'with' the pain, knowing after such a devastating loss that there is absolutely no way around it.

Tell us more about your darling son, Nate when you can. I love hearing about everyone's children.

I'm here. We're all here for you.

My love,
Terry

[sheshe1966]

Annie and Brenda, thanks for replying.  Thanks to you too Terry.  It is so nice to know there are people out there who understand what I am going through, however, I am also sad that there are other people that have to go through what I am going through.  I really wish noone had to go through this.  My oldest brother passed away a year and 2 weeks before Nathan, but my mom says she can't look at Nathan's pictures or anything seems like she really doesn't like to talk about him either.  She says she can't look at his picture on his tombstone either.  Nathan was like a son to her she helped me raise him for the first 9 years of his life before I met my husband.  His biological father was not in our lives, he has only seen Nathan 1 time and that was when Nathan was 2 months old.

Thanks,

Sheila