Mind tricks

[cokieslittlegirl]

You guys all know and live the crazy emotions of grief.  Well, it's been nearing 9 months now since my sweet Daddy has been gone. Lately I find myself in little bits almost pretending like it didn't happen, unconsciously. It happens in very brief moments, uncontrived, like my mind is tricking me in to this denial all over again.  It makes me feel like I'm sick in the head on one hand and on the other it gives me this brief warm feeling, in that moment, that he is still here -  that i don't carry this unbearable pain.

In the next moments I am shaking my head and sick in my stomach because I know he really is physically gone, the pain rushes in...then I feel silly that I have let myself be duped by MYSELF.

Weird??  What to make of this?

[bluegrass1965]

It is difficult to know--are you pretending that he is still here, or remembering how it felt when he was? It sounds to me like wishful thinking, and I certainly don't think it's crazy at all.....I have done it too.  I think it is probably our mind's way of trying to process something that is just too awful for us to accept all at once. 

There are some more serious forms of "imagining" which might be more of a problem: those are complete denial (you buy him a birthday card and make him a cake on his birthday next year, seriously believing he is going to be there); or magical thinking (if I just do XYZ, then I will get  my dad back and everything will be like it was). Even these are ways of coping....but might indicate the need for some outside help.

[rita-grammy]

I usually post in the child loss forum...but, I don't think you are crazy..if you are so am I ...I sometimes will see someone walking through the trees to my house and the thought will run through my mind its my Becca...then it fades away and I know she is not coming back....I think maybe since this gives you a warm feeling and comfort it is your minds way of helping you get through this....For me its been 15 months and in my mind I still see her ...at the table having coffee with me...sitting on the edge of my bed talking to me...its just our way of coping with the pain we are forced to go through...

you are in my prayers
Rita

[Samantha44]

I have a similar feeling with my Dad. He died suddenly 7 months ago and I still feel he's sitting in his usual place in my Mum's back room by the window reading whie I'm sitting in the front room. It's as if my brain forgets he's gone because it makes no sense to me that he isn't here anymore. I sometimes feel quite confused for a few seconds when I walk into the back room and see he's not there. Then I remember and it's so painful. It sounds like you had a loving relationhip with your Dad. I didn't but I loved him so much. He was my Dad.
I agree with  bluegrass when she said that it's our minds way of trying to cope with something that's so awful. It's too difficult to process what's happened all in one go so we take it in slowly and in our own way.
I also lost my sister suddenly 7 years ago and I remember thinking I was going crazy seeing her on buses, etc but knowing it wasn't her. I used to have lots of dreams also but I came through that. I didn't think I would but I did so I know that as long as we all keep talking and taking care of ourselves, we'll be ok. We won't be the same and we'll always carry the sadness of losing them but we'll be ok and we'll even be happy again one day. We deserve to be happy. Take care of yourself.
Love Sam

[cokieslittlegirl]

Thanks everyone. I appreciate very much all of your comments. I talked today with my therapist about this...she believe's too that this is my body's way of trying to heal itself.  That it still has mental and muscle memory of what it felt like when my Dad was alive. The painful part may be where I am pushing those memories down, the pain and sadness part has been the ruler for so long now. 
'
She asked me to try and breathe through and be calm during the "warmth", let it come in instead of automatically pushing it away.  This will take some practice as the moments are so quick and unannounced.  I see her point though.

I was told by the bearevement couselor who was with hospice around the time of my Dad's death, that we have to be careful with grief, that we don't get addicted to it or too attached. That when the time comes, we have to allow ourselves to work through it.  I guess it's easy to do that and not move forward and heal.  I don't think any of our loved ones want that for us...to be stuck and afraid to let go of the grief.  I am going to try to listen to my body if I can. It's so hard because on one hand I feel like if I do this, if I accept...I let death win...he won't come back to me.  Again, another mind trick. 

Fact: my father is NOT coming back and our time together physically has ended.  I choose to move forward or I choose to linger.  I m feeling the "push and pull" I guess. It is easy to linger. Sometimes comforting yet sometimes so painfull.

[bluegrass1965]

When I have feelings like that, instead of focusing on the grief of it all (Dad's gone--I'm so sad--life will never be happy again) I try to make the memory into a positive, but thinking something instead like:

What a terrific dad he was

He had a great relationship with all of us kids

I was lucky to have had him even for as log as I did, etc


I'm not always successful in turning my grief into a +, but it definitely helps prevent me from being mired in it 24/7.

[Donna B.]

It is not weird, or crazy. I still have days I pretend my husband and my daughter are still here and alive. I even talk to them. Now that might sound weird. I have to get in my head that they are gone. It is so hard especially now with the holidays.

Like bluegrass said I have started making positive memories and that has helped. I miss them both so much. There are bad days and better days. I am hoping you will have better days. Grief is a long hard road to travel. I might also add I miss my friend Kevin who always posted on this board and knew just what to say.

Thinking of you and sending you a (((hug))). Sometimes that helps.

Donna

[Luvinmike]

Dear Donna;
I just wanted to send a hug across cyberspace- tell you I have thought of you so often. Wishing you continued warm memories and peaceful moments to carry you through. Missing Kevin along with you. Take care, sending strength.
Terri

[Donna B.]

Thank you dear Terri, you are the best. I think of you and the rest of us that have been here for a while often. I send you a (((hug))) and wish you the same. I know this is a hard time of the year.

Donna

[MISSINGYOU]

hugs and prayers to everyone. Especially Donna and Terri. I miss Kevin too

Elizabeth

[sevenofwands]

Hello Cokie:

Yes, I agree with Bluegrass.  The mind has its own defence mechanisms, and in time of great loss we have to find some way to cope.  It seems such thoughts and feelings are part of the grieving process.  The loss is so wrenching that it is hard to come to terms with the fact that the person is really and truly gone.  We expect to turn around and see them standing there.  I know I have experienced that. 
Even 18 years on, since my Dad died, I still ask him a question out loud if I am in a quandary about something.  He was a very wise man, and I know he would have the answer for me. 

Our dear ones live in our memory, and that in itself is a wonderful thing.

Speaking of Kevin (now gone two months) I miss him too, he was such a "presence" on this forum. 

Best to everyone

Seven

[Luvinmike]

Dear Keri;
I never actually responded to your original post, and interesting topic. I had some very significant family losses in my late teens, a few more, and now the loss of my partner. The one thing I can say has been similiar each time is the feeling that it did not happen. Exactly as you describe. I agree w/ seven that some parts of this can be comforting, the remembering the love, the warmth of thinking they are ,"right there."
Sometimes it is devastating to realize it is just such a moment- but it also reminds us we have shared really true love with this person we miss. I have also found that after awhile this feeling is not as confusing, it does not happen as much and it feels more comfortable over time. just my experience, but I wanted to reply to your post. I hope you have a good and peaceful week.
Terri

[cokieslittlegirl]

Thanks Seven and Terri. That feeling that it didn't happen is so paralyzing sometimes. You hit the nail on the head Terri, it is very confusing. Gives me peace to know that this will lessen.  You have had a rough time huh Terri...life has not been easy on you?

Thank you all for taking the time to listen and respond.

[tsurandy]

Keri, I think it is normal to have moments when we feel that it did not happen.  I go through that on occassion.  I talk to my Mama all the time, people make think that odd, but it helps me!

My thoughts are with you!

Randell

[bluegrass1965]

The word that kept popping into my mind in the first months was "surreal"--if felt like I was living in a Twilight Zone episode.  It felt too awful to be real.  There were days when I would be doing pretty well and then see my mom alone, or realize the grandkids were never going to see grandpa again, and my mind would just have to shut off and go somewhere else.

I do talk to my dad and tell him mom is okay, they were very close and I am haunted by the thought that he is worried about her.