Have broken up with partner but my pain is unbearable

[Shelly777]

I am hoping that some people might understand how I am feeling. I loved my partner of the past 9 years so much. About 5 years ago, we went on a dream car holiday across our country (Australia) and when we arrived there, with his older son and my younger daughter, 5 days before Christmas, I discovered a text message on his phone from another woman I'd never heard of saying "Hi hon, hope you got there ok, luv juju xxx". I confronted him in shock and it turned out that this was a woman (girl!) 20 years younger than him (he is in his 50's) and he met her when she was in her 20s! He got so angry at me for finding out - I couldn't believe it. He shouted and screamed at me!He said that he 'had told me about her'..I didnt understand. Then he explained that he had known her before me and had mentioned her name (Julie) as being a friend when he first knew me!As though, because she came first, that that made it ok, and I shouldn't mind or have anything to do with it - and it was ok for him to have deceived me all this time.  He then said that he 'only' saw her every 6 months or so and he 'was sick of looking over his shoulder all the time'!! It took me a while to realise that he meant it was ME he was looking out for! I almost took my daughter and got on a plane to come home many times (we were there for another month!). It was so painful for me. He said that I obviously didnt trust him or I wouldnt have been looking, he sarcastically said

[Shelly777]

Sorry this is so long...it seems its too long to post more so Im continuing here. I dont know if anyone will read this Im sorry.
He sarcastically said 'well you looked, now you found something, or think you have, so what are you going to do about it?. I was in so much pain and shock I didnt know what to do. I had given my heart to this man and had no idea how to take it back again. A year later we were on holiday in the same place (just the 2 of us this time) and trying to become close again - and she rang him again! Then , when he said he couldnt talk (because I was there, which he didnt say!) she sent a text message saying that she was on leave from work and would he like to get together and that she 'could come to him if he couldnt come to her!). My partner swore that he had not heard from her in the whole year in between, I said 'then call her now and tell her not to call you any more. Tell her we are engaged (which we were!).' He didnt want to do this but did in the end, when I said it was her, who supposedly meant nothing to him, or me. Our relationship has not been good since then. I tried to move on, to understand, to forgive him - but just over a year ago, in a fit of anger, he BLAMED me for 'getting rid' of her (and 2 other women he also sees 'as friends'

[Shelly777]

I added a lot more but then timed out and lost it. We are now in a new 2 storey house together but he has moved downstairs. I havent seen him for a month. He said 'this is OVER'! but he wont move out because the house is in his name and he wants to keep it, plus neither of us have extra money for rent anywhere else. The total pain of living like this is killing me. I ache for him so much, for how he was when we met, for how kind he could be in the things he did for me, for the shared interests we had. For the time, at my older daughter's 21st, that he said I was so beautiful it made him cry.The pain of seeing him being sweet, and happy and playful and joking, and flirting with, and allowing these other women who are his 'friends' to flirt with him - seeing them all so happy - is killing me. He hates me because I couldnt cope. He says he still cares for me (that was a text message when I wrote one to him saying i was sorry he didnt care about me anymore but that I was worth more than that). I really wanted to say I'm sorry and I love you but it just brings me sooo much pain I cant bear it. I want to talk to him but I know I should let the relationship go. Its not good for either of us. He is going out, I can hear him talking on the phone (as he lives downstairs)

[Shelly777]

He sounds so 'unstressed', peaceful like he never was with me, and happy. It kills me. My heart, my whole body is wracked with the most unbearable pain I can experience. I want him back but I know it wont work. I love him more than life itself but it wont work. He left me when he was insisting that the other woman he sees through and after work (about whom we have had arguments) would have to come to our house (!!) and I would have to socialise with her - because he couldnt invite the others and not her and besides (he said) they wouldnt come without her (she is the only female in the group of the 4 of them - who dont even all work for the same company anymore). I could not live through that.
I am so heartbroken I cant speak. I cannot function. I try to take my daughter to school. There are so many things I should be doing but I can't even think of them. Things I should be doing to get ready for a new job I might have for next year (I'm not working now) - getting resources ready for a course I might be teaching plus tomorrow is the last day to enrol for the study I need to do to get the job...and I have no idea what to even enrol for.

[Shelly777]

I only have one good girlfriend and I am worried that I am leaning on her too much. My mum is a strange person and avoids me when I'm having problems and sides with my partner anyway. She never talks about how I feel and seems disassociated from real feelings. My dad was a controlling man and is now dead. My brother has turned out like my dad. My sister lives a separate 'perfect' life, doesnt talk to my mum and has very little to do with me because I am the black sheep as I left my husband years ago (my first husband of 18 yrs who hurt me physically 3 times and I gradually lost my love for him). She didnt even allow her children to associate with my new-ex partner as he wasnt the father of my children. Everyone thinks my current/now ex partner is wonderful and that I am crazy for 'causing our problems', that I just need to apologise to him. I will never love anyone the way and as much as I love him, it breaks my heart that he is so close but I cant have anything to do with him, that he is so cold to me and so happy to be apart from me. I want to die but who will look after my daughter for me?

[sevenofwands]

Shelly:

I am so sorry for the pain and grief you are going through, this is a terrible time for you, because you are also grieving for yourself.
  Often we do see what is going on but cannot accept it, we know what a person is really like (or we don't know them at all) but we try to kid ourselves.
There is a true saying "if it hurts it isn't love".  You know that.   Also "loving too much" is equally hurtful and destructive.  (see "Women who love too much" by Robin Norwood.)
So, your first step, most advisable, would be to see a therapist, who will support you in disentangling your life from this emotionally unavailable person.  What you have experienced is emotional abuse.  Physical abuse is not the ONLY  abuse, and indeed emotional abuse leaves scars forever. 
 This person shouts and screams at you, "blames" you, has no care for your feelings (if he did he would not deceive you), and he is evidently untrustworthy. 
You have to ask yourself what do you find "lovable" about this person. 
You say "I love him more than life itself". 
Well, he sure is not worth dying for Shelly.... 

You say in your post: "I want to talk to him but I know I should let the relationship go. Its not good for either of us. "  Wrong:  the relationship is not good for YOU.  He is doing just fine.


I am so sorry you do not have the support of family and friends.   This is all the more reason to find a therapist (a qualified psychologist) who will help and support you to find yourself.

All the best
Seven