New here, loss of mom, dad with Alzheimer's

[jenn4912]

Hi everyone.  I'm Jenn.  I am so glad I found this board.  I lost my sweet mom 18 months ago to lung cancer.  Immediately following her death, I moved in with my dad because he was in the early stages of alzheimer's. He was lost without her and so confused.  The last 18 months I have been so focused on caring for my dad and learning about Alzheimer's that I don't think I have been able to grieve for my mom like I want to.

Blah, Blah...obviously.

[sevenofwands]

Hello Jenn:

I am so very sorry to hear of your sad loss.  Your words are so filled with the feeling of the loss. and how much you miss your mother.  It is very sad, and I can only send you support across the miles.
How very difficult and heart-breaking it must be for you to see your father in this state.  One sometimes wonders what is the reason for everything.  Please do write here as and when you feel able.  Sometimes this board is quieter, other days there are more people on here, all of them kind and supportive.

Take care of yourself.
Best wishes
Seven

[Luvinmike]

Dear Jenn;
So sorry for the loss of your Mom, your brother and your Dad's illness. Keep writing here, and taking care of yourself. Definitely aks for services for your Dad, as it can take time, you can always refuse what is offerred, but this can be a long and challenging road you are on. Your Mom will always be proud of you and she would want you to stay healthy too. So remember to be gentle with yourself and the rest will come together. I know what you mean about just missing someone. Sorry Jenn, write soon.

Terri

[bluegrass1965]

Hi {{{{Jenn}}}},
I am so sorry about the loss of your sweet mother. Even without your dad's situation that would be a difficult thing. She sounds very special.   

Since you do not have other close family available to help out I hope you will look into getting some respite care for yourself so that you are not constantly exhausted.  I have an uncle with advanced Alzheimers (diagnosed about 8 years ago) and my aunt refuses to allow anyone to help. They are both in their late 70s and have other health issues, and I have no earthly idea how she manages from day to day. When my dad (her brother) died in September, everyone was surprised that it wasn't my Aunt that had died instead.  If you haven't already, start researching community resources for care and activities.  Depending on your dad's abilities, he might be able to participate in an adult activity program, or be eligible for therapy or other interventions.

It is important that you be able to do some things to grieve for your mom...you could wait until later but that could be years down the road.  That is a long time to "put off" grief over such a life-changing event.  Obviously you can't stop the world and take three weeks off, but there are other ways of celebrating who your mom was and taking time for yourself to mourn for her.  I made a web site for my dad at legacy.com which was not very expensive, and is really simple, but it gives me a place to go when I am thinking about him.  You can add all kinds of pictures, memories, etc. and choose backgrounds, etc.  If you did not have a web site for your mom after she died this might be something to consider.  Once of my greatest fears about dad was that somehow he would be forgotten.

We also have pictures of dad all over, and read through his letters, etc.  I went to mom's one day and photographed his things--clothes in the closet, his slippers, his desk, his workshop.  That may sound strange but it really helped me a lot...it was more tangible evidence that he had been with us. I have the pictures on my computer and look at them from time to time.

If you have not looked into counseling or a support group for yourself that would also probably be a very good idea.  You are not just grieving for your mom.....you lost a brother and are slowly losing your dad.  That is a tremendous burden for one person to handle alone.  Any way that you can possibly get support and encouragement, do it.  And of course, you can post anytime here and know that people will be understanding.

You know, right after my dad died I had a hummingbird at our feeder and thought, "hey, that could be dad!"  But maybe it was your mom instead. 

Hope you have a good day.

Sharon

[cokieslittlegirl]

Hi Jenn,

I am very sorry to learn of your painful and difficult situation. That is a lot to handle. I am glad your Mom had a peaceful death, for the most part my Dad did too and I think about it many times, how it could have been so much worse. I too am grateful for that.  Alzheimers is a frightening sickness to be witness to, I cannot imagine how you feel watching your precious daddy lose himself. He is very lucky to have you there by his side. Think of the alternative.   I commend you in your strength in taking all of this on.

Having said that, I also echo what bluegrass said in maybe trying to find some time for therapy.  I have experienced a time when I fought to hold up during a traumatic  event in my life for so long, because I had too, and when it was all over and i could breathe again I had many problems with depression, insomnia etc.. it was too much for my body to hold in for so long.  I expect it may be similar in your situation. You need to find an outlet for you, a place where you feel safe to just let it all out...a counselor can help you do that perhaps and help you continue to stay strong for your dad too.  This board is a nice place to be, we all understand and help each other. A therapist will give you immediate feedback, face to face.

One more thing...you may have seen this already, but HBO did a really good documentary on Alzheimers disease...I am not sure of the title, but it came out very recently on their channel...it was a 3 or 4 part series. It was very well done and maybe you will find it helpful.

I wish you strength and peace Jenn. Take care of yourself too.

[jenn4912]

More...rambling...blah, blah, blah...to the wind.

[jenn4912]

As always...all through the years...I am left to manage alone.  My life is day to day.  My purpose will come to an end w/dad.  Who knows when? or how long? But, alone I am.  Every twist and turn I must face alone. 

That's always my existence...facing life alone, but never have I had so my grief...never.  No where to turn. 

I tried to reach out and failed again.  Leaving this board and bottling the grief again.  Back to being numb.  Quite a familiar feeling. 

[Luvinmike]

Dear Jenn;
I am so sorry you are missing Mom and facing life alone. It does feel all uphill sometimes, doesn't it? Please tell us about your Mom or write on any topic when you feel like it. Again, sorry for your loss.
Terri

[bluegrass1965]

I am confused--why does it seem like jenn has not been able to see any of our responses to her posts??

Moderator--help, please.

[sevenofwands]

Now, I wonder why I suspect an outbreak of "trolling".  Leading us a "merry DANCE".  Yes?

Seven

[jenn4912]

No, you don't have a troll.  No, you don't need a moderator.  What you have is a very grief stricken person who has to keep that grief inside and under control at all times.  You also have a very impatient person, I guess.  I had written a long reply that helped to answer some of the questions you had and it sat for 2 days with no response. 

I just had a very bad night.  I am sorry.  I don't know about this board at all.  Just not used to it I guess.  I have been on other board for other reasons and the discussions move faster, more responses. 

I have myself under control on the outside, but inside I am dying.  I can't sleep.   I am overeating.  I just needed help. 

I am sorry if I offended the members of this board.  It certainly wasn't intentional. 

Jenn

[sevenofwands]

Jenn, we haven-t seen the long post you say you put up, and which "sat here" for two days with no response.  We can"t respond to what we do not see.
This board is quite uncomplicated.

"Blah, blah...obviously" .....doesn-t give us much to go on, does it?  Nor does "blah blah blah to the wind". 

Other boards on other activities may certainly be a lot livelier than a "grief" board.

Seven

[jenn4912]

Again...I am sorry.  My long post was here for two days.  I edited out my posts in a moment of insanity, in the middle of the night.  I am screwed up, no doubt about that.  I don't know what to do, what to think, how to be.  I didn't understand the dynamics of this board...I am sorry.  I should have read more before I jumped in.  Maybe then I would have been more patient, I dunno. 

I am a member of an Alzheimer's message board.  It isn't a "lively" subject, but it has a dynamic that I was used to. 

I miss my brother, my mom and missing the daddy I used to have.  I'm alone and I messed up here.  I really wanted help, a place to come where people understand. 

Again, I am sorry.   

Jenn

[sevenofwands]

Jenn:

Again, may I say that people here will respond to you with kindliness, patience and support.  Having said that, perhaps it is very important that you seek professional help out there where you are.  You sound very distraught.
A cyber-forum can only provide help and support  to a certain extent, among other reasons because all we have is the written word, the posts that are put up here, parts of a story which posters reveal as they go along. 
People here certainly do understand grief, of tt you can be sure. 

Seven

[Luvinmike]

Jenn;
I understand your fear and inability to wait for help- because i have been very desperate at times also. Grief is so hard- it is so challenging. Sometimes anger, alot of deep sorrow, pain, physical pain, everything too hard, being overwhelmed, and let's not forget the apathy. The feeling of , "Why bother," can really derail my best plans.
I know from being here a long time that sometimes this happens, the grief frustation shows. It is so easy to understand.
Sending you a hug ((((Jenn)))) and my wishes for you to have strength, from my heart to yours. Peaceful wishes to all on the board also...
Thinking of you!
Terri