Golden Rules

[sevenofwands]

Hello to all:

This evening going through some old boxes of papers and stuff I came across this page:

Ten Golden Rules for Myself

1. I should give myself the same care and attention  give others
2. I am not an endless"resource" for others.  I must stock up on "reserves" and not get too drained.
3. I have needs which may be different from my family, my friends or my collagues
4. I do not have to say "yes" to all requests - or feel guilty if I say "no".
5. I have the right to be treated with respect as a worthwhile, intelligent and competent person
6. I do not have to have everyone's approval all the time to know that I am trying my hardest
7. Time for unwinding is time very well spent.
8. Making mistakes is not a disaster- I can learn from these and it allows other to as well.
9. I must be fair tomyself and remember, at all times, especially in the face of criticism, anxiety and difficulties THAT I AM DOING THE BEST THAT I CAN.

----------O-------------O-------------O

Sounds to me like a very healthy recipe ....

Best to all
Seven

[sevenofwands]

Grief is so exhausting, and can take so much out of a person, that he or she becomes overwhelmed.  The problem can then be compounded by trying to please everyone, by doing too much, by compensating, often through a mistaken sense of guilt.

I think this is a valuable golden rule:


"NO!" is a Complete Sentence.
""You are a good person even if you say no to someone. You are enough! You are a valuable and necessary part of this mosaic of humanity. Love yourself enough to say NO! You are enough just as you are and making excellent decisions that shape your world. Release any judgment or self-criticism; you cannot be all things to all people. You can be true to yourself, your values and your inner needs.""

[georgiapeaches]

very well said, Seven

georgia.

[tsurandy]

Seven, thanks for posting this.  I have a lot of trouble saying no!  I find myself doing things I really do not want to do.

[browneyedgirl]

This is great, Seven, thank you!!

[Donna B.]

Hi seven you always have the best advice. Thank You for this one, really needed it.

Love Donna

[sevenofwands]

Donna!

It is great to see you here.  I do hope things are a bit easier for you.
As Winter sets in, it can be a hard enough time of year, and the recession does not help either!

Tsurandy:

Thank you too.  It is quite a trick to learn to say "no", and to please oneself, in as far as that is possible.   And yet, doing so places one in a better position to then "do" for other people.  Seems paradoxical, but it isn't.


Good to see you too Browneyes and Georgia.

Best to all
Seven

[MISSINGYOU]

AWSOME

[sevenofwands]

I found this, and it sounds sensible.  Trying to be all things to all people is a project destined for failure.  That's for sure.


Some of the unconscious negative driving forces in life.


""Some Unconscious Drivers
•Guilt
Many people are trapped in the past. They regret things that happened long ago and imagine that other people who were involved feel angry towards them. Unconsciously, they might believe that as they are guilty of some wrongdoing, they deserve to be punished and therefore they refuse to allow good things into their lives. There is a solution. Make amends. Write to the people or person involved and apologise. The chances are they will have forgotten all about it anyway. Make peace and let it go. Look to this day, the present is guilt-free and happy!

•Approval.
Also known as people-pleasing, trying to please everyone, from parents, siblings and partners to friends, is not only exhausting, but impossible. When people are controlled by the need to be liked and have the approval of everyone, they lose sight of themselves. They forget their true purpose. They may be so busy being everyone else’s best friend that they are not a friend to themselves. Here the solutions lie in letting go of the need to be perfect and recognising personal authentic strengths. The more personal acceptance , the less reliance on the good opinion of others. The less striving to be the perfect wife, husband, mother, father, employee, son, daughter or friend, the more enjoyable life can be. Ongoing approval-seeking can create resentment towards others, whereas once a balance has been found, relationships become more harmonious and natural.""


In his book, The Purpose Driven Life, Rich Warren asks some very good questions. For example: "what would your friends and family say is the driving force of your life? What do you want it to be?"

Seven
i

[sevenofwands]

Bumping this up again.
It is NOT selfish to think of oneself, to take care of one's health, both physical and mental, to set time aside for oneself. 

Golden Rules

1. I should give myself the same care and attention  give others
2. I am not an endless"resource" for others.  I must stock up on "reserves" and not get too drained.
3. I have needs which may be different from my family, my friends or my collagues
4. I do not have to say "yes" to all requests - or feel guilty if I say "no".
5. I have the right to be treated with respect as a worthwhile, intelligent and competent person
6. I do not have to have everyone's approval all the time to know that I am trying my hardest
7. Time for unwinding is time very well spent.
8. Making mistakes is not a disaster- I can learn from these and it allows other to as well.
9. I must be fair tomyself and remember, at all times, especially in the face of criticism, anxiety and difficulties THAT I AM DOING THE BEST THAT I CAN.

[littleha]

Nicely said Seven
How I missed the original post, I don't know.
These days I care more for myself than others. It might sound selfish but with what I am going through, if people do not understand then it is their problem and not mine.
I try and follow those golden rules.
As for looking for approval.. a lot of people have guilt if they can't get approval, aka pleasing everyone every time.
I used to try and get approval in the past but what did it get me. Nothing. I am now alone and everyone else has moved on.
Thank you for being here for all of us Seven.
Take care, Allan

[sevenofwands]

Hello Allan:

Thank you for the kind words.  It is good to see you here.   And how right you are to care for yourself.  It is a very healthy thing to do, and keeps you in charge of yourself.  Looking after oneself is not "selfish" in the usual interpretation of that word.  It means loving oneself enough, which makes one healthy mentally and physically.  Unfortunately, there has always been the old "guilt trip" attached to being kind to oneself, as if it were some kind of "sin".

Other people do not in fact like "people pleasers".  It seems it is hard work to kick the habit, but there is a lot to be gained from being one's "own person". 

I hope life is a little easier for you Allan, not so terribly sad.

Take care too
Seven

[Luvinmike]

I came on here to say I was calling out sick today- to just catch up and have some peace.  What a coincidence Seven-Hope you are taking good care of yourself also.
Terri