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[Gary1967]

Hello, I found this website today. I was looking to hear others stories. I just lost my wife of 13yrs Sunday.She had gotten cancer 6 yrs ago and went through chemo, then last year a BMT and then it came back a month ago. My wife was 38 and I am 42. We had the greatest partnership and marriage. We went on vac right before her last diagnosis. We bought a convertible and drove out west. It was our last vacation and we both kinda knew it. It was great but when we got home everything went so fast. I was not prepared for sun morn when the dr told me she had phenmonia and sepsis and that since she had no immune system from her BMT there was no hope. I promised my wife I would not be selfish and keep her here on life support. I watched her die and take her last breath. I cant get the sight and sounds out of my head. I dont care about anything on this earth. We had no children so all I am left with is a dog and cat. I understand loneliness like nobody can. My wife was my best friend, lover and strength. I dont know how people go on, all I can do is think about her and cry. My eyes hurt so bad, I havent eaten since the day before she died. I feel guilty to enjoy anything including food. I talk to her photos and sleep with one on her side of her bed. I  am sorry for the long post, no point just had to tell someone how much I love and miss her. Thanks for your time to write this.
Gary

In Memory of Carla My love 10-25-2009

[bluegrass1965]

Hi Gary,

I am so, so sorry for your loss.  This is a rough road.  Everything you are feeling is normal during grief, even if it feels totally dysfunctional and crazy. I was basically nonfunctional for weeks until I started grief counseling. There just didn't seem to be any point in doing anything.  Now sometimes all I do is tell my counselor all the things I am sad about, but at least I don't feel so alone with my burden.   Posting here has helped as well.

It is also normal that food is not appealing.  I had a metallic taste in my mouth that just would not go away, and I still taste it sometimes almost 6 weeks later.  Try to eat at least a few small snacks a day and make them as nutritious as possible--cheese sticks, granola bars, almonds, etc. If you really can't eat at least drink some water to stay hydrated.  If you get sick you will feel even worse, although that might be hard to imagine at this point. Gatorade will work too.  I found soup was comforting for some reason and didn't take much work to make--I would just heat it and have a few crackers with it.  Some days I didn't eat at all.

Do you have any family nearby, or friends for a support net?

Will be thinking of you this week & will check back tomorrow if you want to write again.

[carrieset]

Gary,

I am so sorry you had to join this forum.  The last place I ever thought I would be.

I am really really sorry about the loss of your beautiful wife and so recently.  But I am glad you have found this site.  These people literally saved my life.  I sought their advice and compassion dozens of times.  They didn't care if I whined and cried and ranted and raved.  They just listened.

Bluegrass gave you great advice re eating and keeping hydrated. 

It is very awful to come home and not have your love come back with you.  It is devastating.  I am not going to tell you it gets easier for quite some time; it is an emotional roller coaster ride. 

Find a grief support group; come on here all the time.  There is always someone to help.

I lost my fiancee last Dec. 24 08 after 3.5 years of battling numerous brain tumors/cancer, the worst kind there is.  Inevitably terminal.  It was a long and very hard journey.  I was not prepared for his death, even though it was a reocurring cancer. 

I lost 20 lbs. in 2 months and didn't need to.  Took care of him at home and then hospice came in, then he went to hospice care.

It has now been 10 months since his death.  I never thought it would get better, but it does.  There is always a wound and a deep sadness because of our loss.

I don't know if I have helped much, but please keep coming back. 

BIG CYBER HUGS,

Carrie

[Luvinmike]

Dear Gary;
     I also am sorry for your loss and reason to find us. My best friend and husband died 18 months ago. I can think more clearly now, I can eat and get through normal stuff again- but it has been very hard and lonely. I am in a grief support group 30 minutes from home and held once a week. It is good to meet with others going through this after a while.
    In the very beginning, like you, I just alternated between crying inside the house and sitting outside to cry. I never knew this kind of pain, it still shocks me that this is real. I am grateful for this site and also I am proud of myself for keeping going one baby step at a time. That is a saying here from the Child loss board- "Deep breaths and baby steps..." It really is the only way to continue.
Slowly you will get your bearings and feel a bit more peaceful. Do you have any friends or family to communicate with? I still kiss a photo every day that is on my TV and in the beginning I slept with a photo of Mike, and a Red Sox teddy bear for a while. (I am your age). It helps me to constantly seek out nature and beautiful scenic views- reminds me how small we all are I think. Take good care of you Gary and tell us about your dear wife when you can. Keep drinking water and write down any errands you need to do, try to do a little thing each day. It takes time to be able to think- be very gentle with yourself.
Terri

[bluegrass1965]

Another thing I thought of....when my dad died a neighbor who had lost her husband two years prior told my mom, "I have George's picture in every room of the house."  Mom and I weren't sure how she would like that, but we found all of her favorite pictures of dad and put them everywhere. 

As it turned out, it really helped.  I don't know if mom talks to him or not (I suspect she does, since she talked to herself before) but I know when I am at the house for a visit, I do.  I tell him I miss him or what mom and I are doing that day.  It may sound a little crazy but the way we figured it is, the person is everywhere in your thoughts already.  Everywhere you go there are memories of that person, which is incredibly painful when you are trying to process the fact that they are gone.  The pictures serve as a sort of anchor for those memories. The person has not completely vanished: see? here's his picture! 

Depending on the picture you use, it can also recall happy memories, silly things you did, tough times you weathered before, etc.  We have one of dad in his running tights which he wore out in public when he exercised in the winter, we were always mortified when he left the house in them (he was 73) so the picture gives us a pretty good laugh.  There is another of him sitting on the old red Farmall Cub tractor he mowed the lawn with...in the middle of their suburban neighborhood.  Every picture brings back memories and keeps him alive for us.

I am not describing this well but hope everyone understands.

[Gary1967]

I want to let the world now how much I loved my wife and how wonderful she was. We shared a lot of time and vac together with adventures. We took trips on my motorcycle from Yellowstone Park to Gatlinburg, Ten. We love to drive just anywhere and enjoy each other and the county. I always wanted to fly helicopters so 6yrs ago I got my pilot license and got to fly my wife in one, it was when she first got diagnosed and I was so fearful that she would pass before I could do that. I gave her that flight and was so happy. I was in a terrible car accident a year later. She stood by me for 6weeks in ICU and I pulled through. I stood by her during her sickness, but I could not pull her through. I wrote a letter to her the day she died and sent it to her computer. I wrote I wanted to give her the world and all I could give her was a soft death. I spend every waking hour thinking of her and how could she be gone. She was just here. I cant believe she died. I am so happy I was there her last seconds on earth and I am so sad I had to see it. I feel guilty writing for sympathy from all that hurt too. I just want everyone to know how great Carla was.  I miss her  Love Gary

[sevenofwands]

Hello Gary:

I am so sorry to hear of your wife's death.  You loved her very much and you did your very best for her.  It is so devastating when this awful disease sweeps someone away, and your wife was a young woman.  Please do write your thoughts and feelings here, where so many can understand what you are enduring.
Impossible to imagine she is gone, that she will not just walk into the room and say "here I am". 


Wishing you the best
Seven

[Samantha44]

Gary,
I know there's nothing I can say or do to take away the pain you're in right now or to make things any better but I wanted you to know that you are doing the right thing coming here and talking and getting some of the pain and feelings that you're having off your chest. I'm so sorry for your loss. Life makes no sense sometimes and it can be downright cruel at times but it sounds like you had a beautiful relationship with Carla. How lucky was she to have you with her, especially at the end? It's so soon since she passed and you must be all over the place and probably still in shock a little bit.
It'll take a while for it all to sink in but the people here are wonderful and genuine and have felt the pain of losing someone they love so much. I find it impossible to talk to family or friends. They're too close to it all and are dealing with their own pain. Here on this board you can offload to people who understand and won't judge and I hope that you'll keep talking and take extra care of yourself. Just do what you need to do to get yourself through each day. Life is so precious as we know and we're so lucky to be here.
Love
Sam

 

[cokieslittlegirl]

Gary,
I am so sorry about your dear wife Carla. I believe that you did "give her the world" while she was here with you.  You accomplished that one.  It's just that the world ended too soon.  I believe she was a very lucky woman to have you in life as well as in death.

Please take care of yourself. Come and talk to us. Sending you a hug.

Keri

[browneyedgirl]

Gary ~ so very sorry for the loss of your beloved wife.

Please take care of yourself.

[bluegrass1965]

"I just alternated between crying inside the house and sitting outside to cry."

That sounds like me....I would think, "I need a change of pace.  I think I'll cry in the car instead."

Gary, I am so glad that you were able to give Carla that helicopter ride. It sounds like you had a lot of wonderful adventures in the time you did have together. I agree, she was lucky to have had such a great partner and friend.

I hope things are going okay.  Don't forget to eat.  {{{{{{}}}}} 

[flamingofred]

you story sounds so much like my story ---- i am so sorry that you have to go thru this -- i to was there when my husband drew his last breath ---- i actually felt that my heart was going to break.
go through what you have to go thru ---- what really helped me was not only my faith but also the courage that my husband had in fighting the fight and then dying gives me the courage to go on each day.  He fought so hard to live that at least i can honor him by trying to go on myself.

Please try to hand in there.

[tsurandy]

Gary, I am so sorry for the loss you have experienced.  One foot in front of the other..............my thoughts and prayers are with you.

Randy

[Donna B.]

Gary, I am so sorry for the loss of you wonderful wife. I lost my husband in June of 2007 and thought I would never be able to function without him. Than this last June my oldest daughter of 38 died of a heart attack, so here I go down that road of grief. I know how you feel. I had a hard time getting myself to eat and also sleeping was hard for me, but you got to take care of yourself Gary. I will be thinking of you and send you a (((hug))). Hang in there.

Donna