Distraught as of late

[MISSINGYOU]

What is going on here? I have lost so many people I love and knew that I am really distraught. As you know we have had swine flu. The kids are finally back to school after two weeks. Im still not 100 %. My voice and lungs are still trying to get healthy. My husband and I haven't gotten along in over a year and it is quickly getting to the point where neither one of us wants to be around the other. I wanted to talk to my Dad so badly yesterday and can't. All I could do is cry, get angry and cry and get angry. My poor mother, we talk everyday and have been since Dad died. She is so tired and at a loss, she didn't know what to tell me and I felt horrible for dumping on her. All I could think of was how my father had his last heart attack and all he wanted was to go home and take care of my mother because she was so sick. My husband stands over me saying he doesn't know what to do for me and goes to work. What did I marry. He gets angry because he has to run a few errands for me or take the kids somewhere and then blames me telling me he needs his sleep. It is all intertwined Im sure......I am so depressed. I am not sure I want my marriage to work out. Im so lonely for Dad and Aunt Barb and my old mother and I don't have the energy to argue with Steve and Im still so sick. This is crap.

[cokieslittlegirl]

Hi Elizabeth,

I am sorry things are so terrible these days for you.  You have had a lot to deal with in a short time, give yourself a break.  It is crazy the ups and downs of grief isn't it?  One minute you're strong and determined to get thru it, the next a distraught heap who can't get up.  I feel for you, I understand it, and I'm here doing it too at the same time.

One thing that makes me really upset for you is your husband...what happened to the "For worse" part of marriage on his part?  He needs to be understanding that things just are not going to be ok and normal for awhile, and should be stepping up for the team here.  You need his support right now, more than ever.  I hope that you will be able to come out on top here...both of you.  Hard times are a true test of marriage, and I believe there are times when one person needs to "carry" the other thru the fire - no matter what. Eventually the tide will change and it will be the other one's turn. It is the selfless reciprocity of marriage.

Peace and love to you,
Keri

[pepper309]

I hope that you get better soon.  It's frustrating being a mom and being sick because you want your family to take care of you like you take care of them when they don't feel good.  Perhaps it would make you feel a bit better if you talked to your husband and told him how you feel.  Guys can be so clueless sometimes and it doesn't hurt to remind that they need to step up once in a while and really help out when they are needed.  My husband has called me a nag on a couple of occasions for telling him how I feel so I suppose it's all in how you phrase your requests.  Maybe somehting along the lines of, "I really need your help right now.  The more helpful you are the sooner I can better and start taking care of more things.  If I put too much on my plate I am going to get run down and stay sicker longer."  Also- have you thought about therapy so you don't feel guilty about talking to your mom about things? 

Hope it all works out

[sevenofwands]

Hello Elizabeth:
I do hope things get better for you, and that you get over the ghastly flu.  Having the flu is depressing at the best of times. I echo Pepper's post in the sense that it might be a good idea to see a therapist.
You and your husband will come out on top.  These are trying times for BOTH of you.  I think you said he is an RN, so his work is surely intense and involves a lot of responsibility.  One of you needs to keep going, and right now that one is him.  He probably feels helpless in the face of your grief, and it sounds like he might be stressed too.  Arguing is not a good idea, IMO, at this time.  Just stating calmly that you are feeling rather rough, and asking your husband to try to bear with you a little longer will produce better results.  Marriage is not an "exact science" lol. 

Do take care of yourself.
Best wishes
Seven

[Luvinmike]

Dear Elizabeth;
Thinking of you and your fanily- sending you strength and endurance. This is so hard sometimes, all the grief and then daily life being so difficult at times. I feel frustrated when I am sick. I hope you will feel better soon and have your energy back. Good wishes sent your way. keep going.
Terri

[bluegrass1965]

Pepper has a good point, if you can get some therapy that is great, and couples therapy might also be helpful in the short term so you and your h can communicate better.  When your husband says "I don't know what to do for you", give him suggestions.  If it would help you to have the laundry brought to the laundry room (or gas put in your car, or someone to run to the grocery store) you have to be able to articulate that.

I don't know how old your kids are but you cannot do everything yourself like superwoman perpetually, even without the swine flu and a death in the family. You need a hand, so any way you can think to get one, take it.  After dad died I was so tired of mothering everyone else when I was feeling so bad myself, it was all I could do to take care of the kids' basics like cereal and clean clothes. Some of that has passed but I still have days when I could get in the car and drive away from it all without looking back!!!

Your mother is going through her own grief--the two of you together may be weighing each other down more than helping.  Does she have a counselor, therapist, minister etc. she could talk to, or is there a way to get her involved with a support group?  You have a household of your own and if you are like me, you may feel responsible for her now as well since your dad is gone. I have had to step back a little and let my mom do her own thing, I was so tied up in her everyday life that I was letting everything go at home.  This may not be you, but it doesn't hurt to look at the situation and think of some new ways to approach the challenges.

Hope today is better.    Wishing all of us peace.   

[georgiapeaches]

Hi Elizabeth,
I am so sorry that you  have to go through this, I work at school and everyone here is sick, they are dropping like flies, my daughter just got sick and I know when I am sick its so hard because I dont usually get any help. You really need to sit down with your husband and express to him what you need and how you feel and I know thats  usually easier siad than done with men, but you have to try before you get so frustrated that you blow. Been there done that so many times. I do hope things work out for you and your family. Feel better.

Georgia.

[MISSINGYOU]

Thank you for all the support everyone. Since I am a counselor I have communicated my needs to him many many times without sickness and death involved. My husband believes that his job is to make money, anything else is mine and I have had to work on top of that as well. My husband I love him but is very selfish. If life does not revolve around his needs and wants then he stamps his foot and has a hissy fit. He is an only child and his mother even said she didn't do him any favors. If im sick to long it interfers with his sleep and needs and he gets angry and resentful, even if he is helping the kids by taking them to the YMCA for their swim lessons. Their lessons interfer with his sleep. Having the swine flu for so long, and still suffering from the brochial part, has only made me more resentful toward him as he walks away from me and the responsibilities of the house and kids. True I don't feel well, but he promised 5 years ago he would go to conseling with me and by himself and he just says he doesn't have the time because of his work and his need for sleep. How can I fight this I can't. Im not sure I want to. When he asks what I need and I tell him nicely and thank him as I believe in respect and manners, he looks at me like I spoke a different language and he didn't understand me. Of course, he doesn't do what I asked him to do, he will go off and do things that I didn't need done. Passive aggressive. Im just getting down right aggressive. I need support right now and not getting it stinks. For better worse sickness and health only work when both partners are willing to make those sacrifices and thus far, he has made very little

[sevenofwands]

Hello Elizabeth:

It is doubly sad for you to have these troubles at this difficult time of grief.  What you say puts a different complexion on the matter.  I suppose the seeds of your inner reply to your own questions are in your last post.   
You are a counsellor, and therefore you know that you cannot change the other person, even if you talk till you are blue in the face.  You cannot make the other person go to counselling either.  These are choices he must make himself, if he loves you.  You say you love him, so no doubt you are able to ask yourself what do you love about him.  What was the lovable aspect that made you marry him. 
Yes, you need support now.  Not just now, but always, in both the greater and lesser things.  Yes, both partners need to pull their weight, and as you say yourself, so far your husband has not made any much effort. Only child or not he is now an adult man, and stamping and "hissy fits" are more the style of the two year old toddler.  But then you know all this yourself.  Perhaps this time of loss and grief is indeed a turning point in your life, an "eyes wide open" time.....

Take care of yourself, and your health too,
All the best
Seven

[MISSINGYOU]

Thank you seven you are honest and I respect that. I am holding on any decisions to make until I can literally breath. I am still not up to par and sleep a lot. I think getting well is first. Then I need to sit myself down and really decide what I need to do for my children and myself. I am a single mother for all intensive purposes and know that I am capable of taking care of things by myself....Ive been doing this all along. You know...this is going to sound terrible but if you asked me today what I love (ed?) about him I couldn't answer it. All I know at the moment is that I am still sick after 3 weeks and I am getting concerned about it. I am tired and overwhelmed and should not make major decisions in this state of mind. Thanks for letting me talk I didn't have anywhere else to go.

Elizabeth

[Landons Mom Shelly]

Hello Elizabeth,

I'm usually on the Child Loss board but came across your post and it really hit home.  I don't post much anymore so I sent you an individual message.  Take care or yourself & God bless...

[sevenofwands]

Dear Elizabeth:

It is indeed mportant that you get your physical health back up to par, and you are quite right to do that.  It is quite in order for you to be "selfish" and to look after yourself.  Your children need you and I am very sure you are a most capable person, who deserves the best in life.

I hope you are seeing a doctor about your physical health.  Please, please do not let yourself get run down.

Please continue to "talk" here, let us know how you progress.  You will progress, with a little time, towards your decision.
It is very unfair that you should be a "single" mother, with no input from the other "partner in the transaction, so to speak.

All the best

Seven

[bluegrass1965]

Hi Elizabeth, hope you are feeling better.

Some easy things to do that may help give you an energy boost--take a good multivitamin--try to drink a lot of water...be sure if you are on any medications that you take them regularly and don't skip days (I am bad about this).  When you do eat try not to eat a lot of refined carbohydrates or items very high in sugar--white bread, white pasta, potatoes, chocolate, baked goods, sodas etc.  They cause blood sugar to spike and when it drops later, it feels like you can't move at all. 

Extra vitamin C is good too, since we are in flu/cold season.  I definitely am sleeping more than usual.....maybe it's hibernation.   

 

[MISSINGYOU]

Well everyone, thanks for the extra advice. All I have eaten lately is carbs, sugars and comfort food. I can't find anythign that tasts good. Im trying to change it. I went back to the Dr today and he is running blood tests, took chest xrays. Now I wait again. I was surprised as I was running a fever again today at the Drs office and did not realize it. They said it is indicative of infection and something is going on. I hate waiting. Oh well....prayers hugs and love to all.

Elizabeth