new to therapy

[mt2186]

Hi There,

I've been upset, crying all the time, thinking constantly about my dad who died.

At the suggestion of my friends and family, I decided to start therapy. Is anyone else in therapy? I'm finding it impossibly hard. I think all week about what I want to say to this woman, but then I get to her office and I literally can't get the words out. I don't think it's her, I suspect I would feel this way with anyone. She recognizes that I'm having a hard time, but I don't know if she knows how to help me. So where do I start? My life is such a mess, I feel like I have to start from the very beginning. And even then, I'm not sure if she'll understand.

I know that therapy will eventually be good for me. But is it really supposed to be this hard? Is there any any way for it to be easier? Has anyone ever had a similar experience?

Thanks so much for listening...

[georgiapeaches]

Hi Mt,
I made an appointment for therepy then cancelled, I am the same way, I'm fine if you ask me questions, but I can just start talking, I clam up. I did go see the priest who spoke at my husbands funeral, but it sounded (to me) like I was speaking jibberish. The nurse in my school used to be the nurse that used to take care of my husband so I talk with her alot and it helps and so does this site, but as far as therepy, I cant do it but I do know it has helped so many people, I am sure you will get many responses from people on this site that have been to therepy with positive outcomes. Hold tight.
I am very sorry for your loss.
Georgia.

[sevenofwands]

I think, MT, that yes, it is a good idea to start from the beginning.  My own experience is that therapy is very good, but it is not by any means a quick fix.  A long haul, really.  So, maybe just start talking about any incident in your life, and let things start from there. 

On the other hand, maybe you would like to try a different therapist.  In general, the therapist will gently prompt, or ask an open'ended question, or even a leading question, which can trigger you to start narrating something.  I don"t think it is supposed to be easy, indeed it can be painful, but healthily so,  mainly because a lot of stuff will come out (as no doubt it should) about a range of matters, memories, some suppressed, which have a bearing on your grief.

The therapist is trained to understand, it is his or her job to so do.  They are used to helping people who are encountering difficulties.
Little by little one can then start to say out things which are perhaps difficult to say.

Wishing you well,
Seven

[ScottW]

I think it might be a good idea to express some of these concerns and fears directly to your therapist.  Gauge her reaction and how she - hopefully - guides you along from there.  I agree with Seven, in that if you continue to find it difficult to talk, you might consider trying a different therapist.  Unfortunatlely, I know too well - first hand - that you might need to see a few people before there is a 'connection' which, I think, is really necessary to get help.  Good luck to you.
Scott

[bluegrass1965]

Hi MT and welcome.

I found that even if I thought ahead about topics I wanted to discuss on my therapy day, I would often forget them by the time my appointment day came.   After about two frustrating weeks of that (where I just sat in her office and cried out of frustration and sadness) I started writing thoughts down during the week, especially things about dad's death I was having trouble resolving. This was anything from feeling bad about the things we never got to do, to issues about relatives, my mom's finances, etc.

Now that doesn't mean I always get all the answers I am hoping for....but my therapist does give me new ways to look at the issues I am struggling with.  I do always leave the office feeling that going was worth my time.

If you are seeing a therapist who does NOT really say anything--and just wants you to talk on your own, you might consider trying someone different, or switching therapists within the same office (people do it all the time). Since any two people will have different personalities, sometimes a therapist or a therapist's style just isn't a good match for you. 

You don't say how long ago your dad died, but just know wherever you are in your grief is the right point for you...I was feeling pressure because both my sister and brother seemed to be handling things so well, and I could barely get out of bed in the mornings.  I have learned from therapy that grief is something we all have to work through, in our own way and at our own pace. That has changed my feelings about myself from "What is wrong with me?" to "Whatever I am feeling is okay, and I can feel it as long as I need to"....that was a huge step.

[cokieslittlegirl]

Hi MT,

I am very sorry about your dad and to hear that you are having such a hard time. I understand. I lost my Dad last Feb and have felt my heart and soul die each day with the pain of losing him. 
I was in therapy with a woman starting a few months before my Dad died...I knew I needed help and that things were only to get worse. I was gone from therapy for about a month when my dad got really sick and died...when I came back to therapy, it was not a fit for me...I didn't feel like it was helping at all. 

A couple of months went by and I was so distraught I thought I'd try again with a different person.  I HAD to start from the beginning...I felt I could only really explain myself and be helped if this woman knew who I was, knew who my dad was, and knew who he was to ME.  I can't imagine there's another way...but I was discouraged...hashing through my life each week with her which is complicated to begin with.  Now that most of that is out of the way, it is easier to concentrate on the grief and figuring out how to live again and cope...the whole reason for being there. 

Try to stick it out...it is definitely not a quick fix. Nothing will be. Your therapist may not be the right fit for you either...but give it some time to decide.  It IS hard work.  I wish you the very best in this horrible journey.

[mt2186]

Thank you so much for all of your kind responses. I'm going to try and stick it out for a few more sessions.

I have a distinct feeling that it's not particular to this therapist, but that I can't get myself to speak with anyone. I'm also intimidated by the idea of testing out another therapist. I think if I stopped meeting with this woman, I may just stop altogether. And I admit, sometimes that's tempting.

I do have an urge to talk to people about this (hence why I've been writing here lately). I just get really shy and nervous. I've always been a shy and more nervous person. And I think my dad's death just put me over the edge.

Thank you all again. This board has been a lifesaver during these difficult times.

[laurenE]

I have tried therapy before and it was helpful.  However,  I found that I had to sometimes write out my feelings on paper (or here) to get my thoughts together first.  Then I was able to process it better with the therapist. 
Some people are like that..... they can write better than they can speak about their feelings.   
Good for you for giving therapy a try.  I hope it becomes helpful for you as much as it was for me.   I did find myself at times just sitting and crying.  It was  therapeutic for me to have a safe person and place to cry, where I felt understood and cared for.   Sometimes there is therapy and growth in the silence.
It takes alot of strength to go to therapy and to admit we need help.  Dont ever forget that.
best of luck to you. 
I hope you keep writing here.

lauren

[bluegrass1965]

You know, if you have not already told the therapist about your shyness and nervousness about talking, maybe that would be a good place to start.  I'm sure you wouldn't be the first shy person she's worked with.     Once you break the ice that way, she may have a better idea of how to help you.  

Losing a parent is so huge....any way we can get help to lighten the burden along the road, I think it's good. I have had several therapists over the years, some I liked and others I just didn't click with.  I hate to make waves, so my tendency was just to skip appointments if the therapist wasn't a good match. Finally another friend pointed out to me that therapists are providing a service, just like the grocery or your car repair place. If you aren't happy with service you receive, you make changes until things are satisfactory.  Plus, if you are like most of us, you probably are paying somehing out of pocket for the therapy visits....you want to be getting your money's worth!

Let us know how things go.  It is easy to talk here.

[mt2186]

Thanks so much everyone. I think I will mention again how shy I am and what a difficult time I'm having talking about this.

It is easier to write. Partly because everyone here is so warm and supportive. But I've also always had an easier time writing down my feelings rather than voicing them with a live audience.

I'm nervous for tomorrow. I will definitely be back after the session and will let you all know how everything works out. Thanks again

[bluegrass1965]

Hi MT, let us know how things were!!  I was thinking about you today and hope the session went well.

[mt2186]

Bluegrass - thank you so much for your kind words.

I'm sorry for taking a few days to respond. I've been feeling very sluggish and have not been interested in posting (or really doing much of anything - sigh)

Last week's session was much better. I was very nervous going in. We talked about that again. I find that I can't look at her when I speak to her. Which is difficult to admit and experience. I'm not sure if this is normal or not. But whenever I talk about losing my dad, I find myself crossing my arms and staring down at the floor. It's too difficult to look her in the eye and explain my pain. Does anyone else have that problem?

I think I'm going to try and stick with it. It is very hard, but everything these days seems hard. She keeps reassuring me that I'm doing well given the circumstances, that I can't expect too much from myself. It was nice to have that comforting voice by my side last week. I'm going to try and keep going back.

Everything is so hard these days, it's hard to form an objective opinion. Thanks to all for your support. This place is a great comfort to me these days.

[bluegrass1965]

Well, I definitely had trouble looking at *anyone* and talking about my dad, because if I had someone looking at me and I looked back, I would start to cry. During the first week this included relatives, friends, and even a Kroger checkout lady who knows me because I always check out in her lane.  It was like their concern was too much for me to bear on top of my own grief, but if I looked away I could stay slightly detached from the questions.

It sounds like you did great though, since you had a chance to get some of your thoughts and feelings out.  The important thing is to have a human connection, and a kind voice may be all you need for now.  (Looking can come later.)  Be kind to yourself.   :-)

Sharon

[mt2186]

Thanks Sharon.

Yes, I'm definitely struggling with looking at people while I get all of this complicated stuff out. I've never experienced anything this hard. It is challening many times to even get the words out of my mouth.

My therapist has been very kind. I think she realizes what a hard time I'm having. I've been continuing to go every week. As you said, it helps to know that a kind voice is there. That someone is kind enough to be concerned about me and take the time to listen. She confirms what a lot of you say here, that it will be a long journey.

Like you, I'm struggling with the time table. It seems that my siblings have all gotten better and I'm still here in this horrible place. I know I don't want my life to be this sad forever, but I'm not sure how to fix this. Thank you to you all for your support.

Melissa

[k80]

Hi Melissa,

I lost my Dad too, nine months ago.  I actually decided I wanted to talk to someone different to my usual therapist, and went to someone new on my doctor's recommendation - she was very well meaning, but it was like talking to a wall.  It was tremendously hard to pluck up courage to go through it again with someone else but the next woman was much warmer and easier to talk to.

What I really wanted to say though, is to not worry if your grief seems different to someone else's.  I really believe we have to go through it in our own way, in our own timespan - don't let anybody tell you it's taking too long.  Trust that it is unfolding at a pace that is right for you.  Recently I have been feeling a little more released from the really intense grief, but then last night I woke up and cried...I guess that's just how it goes. 

Sending warm thoughts your way...