angry at god

[pepper309]

I was doing pretty good until this last weekend.  I was taking my dogs for a walk near my house when it hit me all of a sudden.  I started thinking about the last time that Isaw my brother drive down that road and I remember how happy and care free he looked.  I started crying because I knew that would never be able to see him that way again.  I would give anything to argue with him again or to even have him tease me again like little brothers do.  It just sucks that I have to listen to people come up to me in Walmart and tell me how they heard about him and about how sorry they are.  It sucks that I had to put his ashes in a locket so that I could have him with me.  it just doesn't make any sense to me.  There are awful horrible people out there and God could have picked them to die but he chose Boz instead.  I went to church a couple of weeks ago and I almost walked out. I decided that I'm not going back for a long time because it just too hard.  I'm so angry at God and I don't feel like singing songs about how damn wonderful he is.  So I just needed to rant.  Thanks to whoever reads this.

[Luvinmike]

(((Pepper)))
I am sorry about your brother Boz. It is so hard to make any sense of these losses in our lives. Your subject line grabbed my attention this morning as I felt the same way. I woke up early and just could not stop crying. I sometimes get really angry at the world and why this happened to my husband. I don't feel anger at God, I just feel confused. I wish we could have our loved ones right by our side as we want them to be.
I hope today is okay for you and I am thinking of you. Sending you strength to get through the hours, one small step at a time.
Terri

[browneyedgirl]

Pepper ~ All too well, I remember my anger with God....I know how you feel.  I am so sorry for your hurt

Eventully, it subsided, I hope it does with you...but seemed to be transferred to other aspects of my day to day life, the anger that my brother will not be here to share holidays, birthdays or day to day activites with me, his son or any other members of my family or his friends. 

I hope that you feel at least a little better really soon.

Take care

[pepper309]

I went on a hike today and felt better.  It is hard to be angry at God when everything around you is so beautiful.  I guess I'm just frustrated right now.  I see how hard all this is on my Mom and I want to be there for her and live my own life at the same time.  I don't want to get weighed down in grief because I've been severely depressed in the past (a really long time ago, thank goodness) and I don't want to go through that again.  There are times when I try to just think of me and my remaining brother as all there ever was.  Like Boz was never here.  I know that would put me in denial about his death, but it feels better than what's actually real.  I'm not going to totally push my feelings away, but there are times that I somewhat suppress them just to make it through the day.  For instance, I am a massage therapist and sometimes clients talk during sessions.  When the subject of family comes up I try really hard not to mention Boz.  I have a couple of times because people have talked to me about a death in their family.  I have thought about quitting my job a couple of times because I was at the point where I didn't really care about anyones aches and pains but my own.  I guess I will eventually work it all out in my own way.  Thanks for listening

[BigSis]

Hi Pepper

I lost my dearest brother last Dec and it still hurts. He was in the beginning stages of kidney failure but he was stable and exercising a lot. I went to about 22 religious places last summer and prayed so much for his long life. When he passed away suddenly, I felt cheated and felt as tho all our sincere prayers were not heard. However some things are meant to be and we all are here for a certain length of time.

Walking, praying, meditating has really helped. You realize that there is no such thing as death and we are all connected by love. However sometimes I still cry my eyes out when I think of him. Sibling loss especially when they are taken away before the normal life span is very very hard. No one really understands and this board has been of great help.  The rest of my family -  my husband and children do not understand.  There is a  deep pain in yr heart that takes time.  Reading the posts in this site has been very comforting. Do share with us the good memories about your brother.

Take care,

BigSis

[YoungerSis]

I too felt (and still feel?) alot of anger with God since losing my sister.  Last January, I had taken her to see a faith healer.  At the healing service, many stories were told of people who were "cured" after attending.  I had such high hopes for my sister, and was very upset and angry when she continued downhill afterwards.  Angry at God, angry with the faith healer, etc.  It does subside a little with time, though.