long weekend

[littleha]

This weekend in Canada it is Thanksgiving day on Monday. Went to my son's house for Thanksgiving for the first time ever. Holidays were always with Cathy and me. I would prepare most of the meal and Cathy would help me. It was very odd going out for the holiday as this is the first major holiday for me since Cathy died in May. While we were eating supper and talking all of a sudden I started to cry, trying to keep it not noticeable to everyone around me  just so as not to put a damper on the meal. I know most saw me but said nothing which is fine as they all understand why. Is this what I have to go through for the next few yrs every time there is a holiday? Not looking forward to Christmas nor the New Year.
Take care everyone
Allan

[MISSINGYOU]

Allan, I think the first holidays are the worst. Im going to have Thanksgiving here in the States for the first time with out that loud wonderful voice that raised me. I have talked to mom and she sure is hurting. :Hang in there. Just a suggestion, family and friends might be looking to you to see if it is ok to talk about Cathy. If it is ok with you, you might want to start the conversation with Cathy would love_____. At least for me, this has worked in my case and made me feel better as I feel free to talk about the good times.
elizabeth

[mousewife]

Yes, for me at least, the holidays have been very odd and lonely without my sweet husband.  I am on my third set this year.  It is kind of like they don't exist anymore.  At Christmas there are no gifts because all I have left is my Mom, who is a nursing home, so that is odd.

The first year Mom wasn't in the nursing home yet.  I made the regular meal for Thanksgiving and Christmas.  It was very hard for me.  Last year I skipped Thanksgiving and installed a new light fixture in the room where my husband died.  That was better for me, but I still did Christmas.

This year I am thinking of doing both because I don't know how much longer I will have my Mom.

One thing that has comforted me is reading aloud the following as I light candles in remeberence of my husband.

  As we light these four candles in honor of you, we light one for our grief, one for courage, one for our memories, and one for our love.

  This candle represents our gief, the pain of losing you is intense.  It reminds us of the depth of our love for you.

  This candle reperesents our courage- to confront our sorrow- to comfort each other- to change our lives.

  This candle is in your memory-  the times we laughed, the times we cried- the times we were angry with each other- the silly things you did, the caring and joy you gave us.

  This candle is the light of love.  As we enter this  holiday season day by day we cherish the special place in our hearts that will always be resered for you.  We thank you for the gift your living brought to each of us.  We love you.

The above was given to me by a professor who taught a death and dying class which I took a few months after my husband died.  It has helped me to make sure that he is remembered, and it comforts me.  I then go on to celebrate the best I can without my soul-mate.

I hope this helps.

Peace and Healing,
mousewife

[georgiapeaches]

Hi Allan,
I'm so sorry for your pain. For me I had to put on a kind of front for my kids, they knew I was sad, especially when I chucked the Christmas tree out the front door, but I didnt want to cry to hard infront of them on the holidays, its just to much for them. Two deaths in 7 months was alot for them to handle. I think the holidays will always be a challenge, because of the closeness. My husband and my mom, your wife, they were so close to us, if you can understand what I am trying to say? No matter what happens, they will always "be there" in our minds and our hearts. I dont expect the holidays to ever be the same but hopefully I can keep a Christmas tree this year. I wish for your upcoming holidays to be happy and peaceful. Peace to you and your family.

Georgia.

[Luvinmike]

Hi Allan;
Thinking of you on Thanksgiving. I am sorry you are missing your dear wife Cathy, it is so painful. Somehow we keep putting one foot in front of the other. I am thinking of you and wishing you some peace, a little rest from this grief.
Terri

[tsurandy]

I am coming upon the second holiday season without my Mama, last year everything just passed in a blur, what this season holds for me I don't know, somedays are better than others, but this year I am more at peace and though I miss Mama terribly, I am able to laugh more!  I am sorry for your pain, and my motto is sort of like the old song from the sixties, It's my party and I will cry if I need to!

[cokieslittlegirl]

Allen, I agree with Elizabeth about just talking about her in moments like that. No one should pretend things are normal. I wish they would have just hugged you when they saw your emotions and brought up the fact that your dear Cathy is so missed.  Keep talking about her...she lives thru your remembrance and in your heart. Please be true to that.

Holidays were never a big thing for my Dad, so I don't have a strong connection there nor am I fearing their arrival now.  I am lucky that way I guess. However, I know once they hit, and I see the closeness of intact families everywhere I'm sure it will be an internal struggle for me.

Peace to you Allan.

[littleha]

Thank you for all the replies. The reason I started to cry is that during supper we were talking about Cathy and what she(us) would have done with the leftovers. It brought back so many memories and the sadness just creeped up at that moment. My boys have never been shy about reminiscing about their mother which to me is a good thing as I would hate for her memory to go away.  I am still debating on whether or not I will do anything special for Christmas this yr or just celebrate it in my own new way.
Everyone take care and thank you for listening
Allan

[bluegrass1965]

Mousewife, I love the sentiments of the four candles.....I will definitely keep those in mind for this first series of holidays without my dad.

Our family lost two members last month within a week's time, who were at thanksgiving dinner each year.  I have decided that next month for our big potluck Thanksgiving dinner, I will make and bring one favorite food for each of them. I figure the process of making it will help me, and the enjoying of it will help all of us to celebrate them during the holiday.