Just Wanting to Die

[Annette]

I'm suffering so much and feeling so terrible and trying calculate how many Ativans and klonipins it might take to end it all. Just posting here will help keep me from doing it, but I wish I didn't feel so bad. The only thing keeping me here on earth, is knowing I would hurt my son, Trevor. But lately, I think it might not bother him for that long. I just want a way out... out of the pain.... I want to kill the pain.... stab it, erase it, get rid of it somehow, and it seems the only way is to stop me.

Sorry to be such a downer. But I do fantasize about ending it all. Please tell me what you do when you feel like this. I'm on anti depressants and I have Klonopin. Just hating my life.

Annette

[Katie--Adam's Mom]

Dear (((Annette))),

I am so very sorry that you or any of us have to experience this pain.  It is so overwhelming and scary.

Try to hold onto all of the times you have made it thru another day and know that you will again.  I know how hard it is and how much we want the hurt to stop.

When I am feeling like this I try to find ways to get thru even one second at a time.  That could be counting out loud, reading one sentence, hugging myself, rocking, anything will do.  I also try to ground myself in the present by choosing an object in the room, then describing it out loud (what it is, where it is, what color it is, etc...).  One thing I have done often is to remove myself to my safe room (it's the living room but away from everything tempting).  I curl up on the couch with a very soft blankie and try to just get thru the moments.  Sometimes it is a call from my daughter which reminds me that I do have to make it.

I wish you moments of peace and hope that you will keep talking, it does help.

Much love & many hugs,
Katie

[Terry]

I'm so sorry, Annette and just know I'm here and I understand the awful pain.

I had a morning/afternoon that was very scary and what I usually do is walk. I take really long walks. It takes me to another place and since I love nature, it seems to always bring me a new perspective on however I'm feeling at the time.

That's what I did today and I've found that when I don't take my daily walks, I usually end up paying for it and in a very bad way.

This time of the year is merciless. The only consolation I feel is that it will end and then there will be a reprieve and I am so grateful when it arrives.

I'm holding you so close in my thoughts and prayers.
Know I care.
You have my love,
Terry

[Judy, Dougie's Mom]

((((((((( Annette )))))))))))

I have felt and thought this exact same way.  This is a brutal journey and it really is one moment at a time, some moments are okay and the others knock us to our knees.

I too am here because of my other son.....he is my rock and my reason for living.  I remember when he told me that he had not only lost his brother but he lost his mother too.  That was my defining moment, and I knew I had to fight hard to survive this nightmare.  There will come a day when you will hear life calling you back, I was told this early on my journey and I still hold on to those words today. 

Please know I understand and am sending you strength for your next moment.

Love
Judy
"MAKANA LIVES"
forever in my heart

[Brenda Taylors Mom]

((( Annette)))  I have felt that too, and did try it, went to a mental lock up hospital over it.. just remember it will pass, even if if passes for a day and comes back, it will pass.. I don't know what else to say.. the pain is so tiring isn't it... please hold on.. Love, Brenda

[jaki]

Annette,
It is very hard- but as a thought please consider contacting your physician and talking to him about how you are feeling- these meds can cause suicidal thoughts and it may be worth his input.
I do know that there is a huge difference between talking and doing but also know that the meds can hurt our journey as well as help.
Please, take gentle care
Jaki

[Dena]

((((Annette))))

I am so sorry.  Please contact your physician and discuss your feelings with him.  Sometimes, medication side effects can cause some pretty severe problems.

In the early years, I thought about it more than once.  But at the same time, I have my husband, daughter & now my grandson to keep me going. 

Hold on tight to the good memories and all of us here - we will get through this together. 

Love,
Dena, Josh's Mom

[Annie1973]

Dear friend Annette.

You have been here for me so many times and kept me afloat. Now I only wish there were something I could do for you.
Please just know how grateful I am to you and how much I care for you. Many prayers are being said for you by all of us here, we all love you so much.

Always yours,
Annie (Dans mom)

[Annette]

Thank you dear friends, I'm making it through the weekend and will go back to the doctor. Your words and prayers have made a difference, as I am still here.

My living son, also feels he doesn't have a mother. I try, but I just don't think I have the capacity to love as much as before, or to be me. I'm either numb, or in full-fledge, gut-wrenching pain. This is my reality and I have to accept it, I guess, and hope the future will be better.

I love you all and I appreciate your words and will read them again tomorrow.

[Dottie (Tammie's Mom)]

So sorry your in such a dark place. I think most of us have been there.

I don't have other other children to live for but I live because I know my daughter would want that for me. I live to try to help others who struggle with addiction problems.

It hasn't been easy as Tammie and I were so very close, I miss her every minute of every day. But because of the counseling I got and I joined a bereavement group and most of all I had this group to talk about how I was feeling.

I know my family would be devasted if I did take my life, believe me they worried in the the early stages of grief. I couldn't hurt those that care about me.

I also believe we are here to learn from our journey and try to help others along the way.

Hugs,
Dottie Tammie's Mom

[MelissaCharliesMom]

Please know I am thinking of you. I have been where you are earlier in my journey, and again recently and I am sure I will be there again. I just hold onto whatever hope, love, little bits of strength I can grasp....its all we can do. I know I could never put my other precious children through such pain...how could they grow up without their Mom and who would tell them about their big brother....hold on tight and know we are all here.

[Annette]

Oh my God, I love you guys! Just knowing you're here and can relate and accept what I say is making all the difference! You don't scoff and try to make me feel guilty for having suicidal thoughts. You get it, you really, really get it!

Thanks and please know you are making a difference to me personally, and I'm sure to many people unsung. I know that I lurked a lot before posting much. Your responses to people are so right on, and so kind and loving.

Love always,
Annette