guilt and grief from euthanizing my cat need support

[mousewife]

Sorry guys, this will be long,

Yesterday I had to have my cat Journey euthanized because he hadn't been able to eat for seven days.  He was my mother's cat for 13 years, but when she had to enter the nursing home last year, I took him.  He has been the best companion for me and helped me with my grief and lonliness due to my husband's death in 2007, followed by my 19 year old kitty's euthanasia a few months later.  My mother came to see him to say goodbye and she was upset, but understood that he would suffer if I didn't do something.  It was hard for her.

I hate doing this kind of thing.  I lost my best friend and I feel it is all my fault.  I know he was sick, but I couldn't understand how he got so sick and what was wrong with him.  He became unable to keep food down two days after I took him to the vet for his yearly check up.  He was eating fine until then.  They said he had no masses, but had hyperthyroidism.  After just 4 doses of Methimazole he became unable to keep food down or even water.  They told me to give him pepcid and restart the medicine in 24 to 48 hours.  He was too sick to give it and still couldn't eat.  I took him back in and was told so many different possibilities, such as obstructed small intestine, which they then said could just be gas, to a malignant tumor, but no one told me where they thought this was located.  They wanted to force barium into him and take a series of xrays, but he had already had xrays and two sets of lab work and I thought this would be cruel to subject him to this, when he couldn't keep food down, let alone barium.  They kept saying I could take him to another town about 45 minutes away and get an ultrasound done, but, he seemed to sick for this to me.  They said that they might not know what it was unless they did diagnostic surgery.  I asked that they do that and then the dr refused saying that he wouln't want to try without all the other tests, even though those might not show anything, and he wouldn't want to try because my cat could have high blood pressure and wouldn't survive the anesthesia.  I pointed out that we did not know what his blood pressure was and that he was going to die any way without food and water.

So with a very heavy heart I finally decided I had no choice but to have him euthanized.  He didn't seem to be getting better and I couldn't let him suffer.  When I went in with him for this, even though they knew what I was there for, they took Journey out of his carrier and examined him again.  Then this dr. starts talking about taking him to the other town again and telling me that's an option.  I don't know if you know how that made me feel, but, it took so much courage for me to get to the point of doing this, and my mother had already been upset and ready to let go, I just felt violated.  I was confused.  I felt guilty because he talked about doing the exploratory surgery again.  I told him his partner had already said he wouldn't do this.  I don't know what to make of this.  I had already had Journey in there twice in a week, and tried to get them to do the surgery.  Iwas told by the first dr that he felt no masses, then yesterday the same guy said he thought he might have a mass high in his stomach.

I was so worn down by the whole last week and two days, watching my sweet little kitty dying and not knowing why and so upset about all of it, I didn't feel that I could do anything but tell them to do the euthanasia, so he died in my arms.

Now I fee so broken again.  I brought him home and burried him myself, but Iwas so upset about having to do it that I didn't wait until he was completely cod or had rigor.  I waited an hour and a half, but he still didn't have rigor.  I think his little legs might have just been getting a little stiff, but his core was still warm and the rest of his body was still soft and limp.  Now I am worried that he could have still been alive.  I don't really think this is true, but I can't stop worrying that maybe he was.  And his grave, which I had dug the previous day had filled with water and I had to scoop it out and hurry and get him in before it filled up again.  I felt awful to put such a sweet little animal in such an cold and wet place, but it was beneath the willow tree that I planted in my husband's memory.

I just feel horrible.  I am second guessing myself on everything.  I feel sick about doing this.  Maybe he would have gotten better. He had kept down some water before I took him in.  I don't understand how I could take a healthy normal eating cat in for his checkup and two days later he was violently ill and by yesterday, I felt that I had to end his life to keep him from suffering.  I feel extreme guilt and anguish.  He was my best friend and such a sweet little animal.  I just keep thinking it's all my fault, but I guess I didn't know how to make them do the exploratory surgery, and I felt too weak and upset to try to do anything about it.  I just didn't want him to suffer.

Please guys, can you give me some encouragement?  Do you think he was dead? I just worry that he could have been just really tranquilized, but a small amount of liquid did come out of him as usually happens.  It smelled like medicine.  I know it sounds stupid to ask this, but it really is bothering me.

Thanks for listening
mousewife

[laurenE]

mousewife,

Im so sorry for the trauma you have endured over this.  He is the last part of the old normal life that your mom lived (before the nursing home-now she is in a new normal situation).  It is an ending in more ways than one.  I wonder if this is why it is so difficult.   

I have a cat who I adore,  and to think about having to put her to sleep just pains me.  I had to do that with our other cat and my husband and I just sobbed.   They are like family. 

The Dr would not have let you have him back like that,  had he not been already gone.   Its normal to second guess yourself in a situation like that.  It sounds like you did the best thing for him.  I dont have the money to put into too many batteries of tests on my cat so would have to do the same thing you did.   

Its such a torturous decision.  i can not imagine having to make that decision on a loved one (human one),  on life support. 

I am so sorry that your grief is so deep.   I hope the days get easier for you.
I lasted about 3 weeks before I ended up getting another kitten.  I just couldnt live without one.

lauren

[georgiapeaches]

((((Mousewife))))
I am so so sorry for your pain, I had to do the same for my dog Rocky right after Johnny died, he couldnt live without his master, he just wasnt well, and the worst was I had to lie to my kids and tell them he passed on the way to the vet, it was horrible. I know how devastating it is to loose a pet, they are part of the family, and I'm so sorry about your cat. I have a cat and 2 crazy birds and really they are part of my family. I do hope you feel better soon. I know you dont want to hear this but you did do the right thing, if I heard that from one more person, I probably would have punched them, but I couldnt see Rocky suffer anymore, just like you didnt want to see your little guy suffer. I also dont think you should second guess yourseld, you will drive yourself crazy, I do it all the time, I cries so may nights after I had to do that, maybe I was being sellfish? It became to much. It all comes back to grief, it eats us up. After they put my dog down I had to walk out, I could have stay there all night but I had to force myself, then I second guessed myself all night, I still second guess myself about my husband , my mother, its all grief. I wish I could give you a real hug and make it all go away.

Georgia.

[mousewife]

Thank you both for for your expression of care.  I wish I could let the guilt go, but I can't help thinking maybe if I had taken him somewhere else he could have gotten help and recovered.  He was so healthy when I took him in for his check up.  I don't understand how he just coincidentally got so ill in two days.  My house is so empty and cold without my little friend.  I am so tired of losing everything I love.  My mom will be next and then there won't be anyone else to lose.  I feel so alone.

mousewife

[georgiapeaches]

Mousewife,
I really underestand, your not alone though. we are all here to help you get through this. Stop beating yourself up , no more what ifs. be gentle with yourself.

georgia.

[laurenE]

mousewife,

I remember feeling that way too after losing both parents and being disowned by the whole entire family except for gpa.  I still have my husband, thank God,  but sometimes in the midst of our deep dispair,  we are unable to see what we do have around us.   The pain clouds our perspective and our vision of whats out there. 

You sound as if you are very lonely.  Are you isolating yourself from others? Perhaps you could find a support group or get a part time job just to get out of the house. ? 

And yes,  you have us too.  But I know its not the same.   

My wish for you today is to call that friend or family member that you havent talked to in awhile.

hugs,
lauren

[bluegrass1965]

Hi mousewife,
{{{{}}}} big hugs to you.  Yes, I do believe Journey was dead when you buried him, because the vet euthanized him.  I think if your family had an enjoyed him for 14 years, he was a lucky kitty and he sounds like he was also very much loved. Rigor can take quite a while to set in. When my dad died recently I had to drive in from out of town. I was surprised when we were with his body at the hospital almost 5 hours after he died that his his whole body was still warm, even his arms. It definitely made it hard to believe he was really gone. Part of this is our own brain trying to process the shock of losing a being we loved. We are wishing that we could change what has happened so we second-guess our decisions, the "what if I hads..." and even the death itself. I have done this both with my dad and with beloved pets.

I think at the advanced kitty age of 14 and with the medical issues Journey had it would have been more cruel to subject him to surgery, a strange vet clinic, and sounds and smells he was not used to. What if he had died during the surgery? When he died you were holding him, a person he loved and who he knew cared for him. He will be at rainbow bridge waiting for you one day.



 

[mousewife]

Thanks again to you both.  Bluegrass, your words were reassuring and helped a lot.

I feel a little better for now and I hope it stays this way.  I know I did what I thought was right at the time.  Bluegrass, some of the things you said about a different vet being strange and scarry for Journey were things I considered when I decided not to take him.  Also that it would have been at least a 40 minute ride each way for him.  It's just that now that he is gone and I really never got an answer as to what was wrong with him, make me question if he was really that sick, or if he might have been able to recover if someone actually found out what was wrong with him.

I know it's too late now, and I did what I thought was best at the time.

Thanks again all three of you.

mousewife

[Luvinmike]

Dear mousewife;
Oh so sorry what you went through and the sadness and loneliness of missing your pet so much. I agree with the replies you received. It is a risk to love anyone or anything as the pain of loss is hard to take. I am sending you a hug and I do believe you did the right and kind thing. Period. I do not know your faith, but I do not believe interventions were going to change this, you knew your cat and did what your instincts guided you to do. Have faith that you did what felt right at the time because it was right. I also do not even question the cat had died, they do the vitals after the medicine and it is impressive you took him home. So beautiful to bury him under the memorial willow. Over time I hope you see your own strength in this challenge. I am proud of you as a friend.
Terri

[MISSINGYOU]

mousewife, I am sure you did what was best for journey. I have had many animals in my life and had to do the same. The pain and anguish is really bad as they are a part of our family. Therefore you have lost two members not one. Reliving the first. Be kind to yourself. I am sure that journey had passed and that he is now resting well and in peace. Be kind to yourself. mother yourself. We all need that. know journey is in peace.

elizabeth

[mousewife]

Thank you Teri and Elizabeth,

Your words helped me.  Tomorrow will be one week since Journey's life ended.  I have been doing pretty well since Monday.  Although for some reason I have experienced many times of forgetting that he is gone.  I didn't have this with my 19 year old kitty, Scitty.  I didn't have it with my husband's death either.  Maybe this is because it was so sudden and I never knew what caused him to get so sick so fast. With Scitty I knew she wasn't doing well for a long time, and with my husband, he battled the brain cancer for almost a year. 

Thanks again,
mousewife

[pepper309]

Mousewife,
My lovely cat Buster died about a week ago so I know somewhat how you are feeling.  My daughter found him on our property by some trees.  He didn't have any bite marks on him and he was all wet.  We think he wsa hit by a car and then he went someplace to die.  I felt so guilty for keeping him outside during the day and for not searching for him the night before when he didn't come in (he would sometimes not want to come in and so I didn't think anything of it). 
I have come to the realization though that animals do not view death as we do.  For them it is just something that must take place and they deal with it in their own instinctual way.  It sounds like you took such good care of your mom's cat.  He was lucky to have you.  Some people might have just taken him to the pound.  You made a good decision to get him put to sleep.  He was too old to have to be put through so much at the vet's office.  I'm sure that the vet is used to people who want to avoid the passing of their pet and so that's prbably why he kept mentioning different options to you. 
You did great under difficult circumstances.  You put Journey out of his misery and gave him a nice burial.  That's all any animal ever asks for- kindness and love