Just looking for help and conversation.

[OOOne]

I have been on countless drugs in my life and currently, I am on 2 MG of Xanax a day, 500 MG of Apo-Quetiapine, 15 MG of Zopliclone and 4-6 MG of Ativan daily. Needless to say none of this works; I do not feel less anxious, I cannot sleep more than 2-3 hours a day, and I do not feel drugged, drowsy, or out of it during any point of the day.

I really do not know what to do anymore; I have numerous physicians, psychiatrists, and psychologists throughout the past five years. Nothing they seem to do, prescribe, or treat helps. I also have seasonal depression, but when I am on anti-depressants I become much more depressed and anxious. I came very close to dying last year and since then me and my doctors agree that anti-depressants do in fact make me worse so I have and will not be prescribed any in the future. Furthermore, I am not sure if I can take another winter.

Any help would be appreciated.

[tsurandy]

I am sorry for the way you are feeling.  Have you tried counseling?  I find that talking to aother person, letting my feelings out, helps alot!  Talk to us here in the forum, you will find a lot of caring folks here.

[Luvinmike]

Dear Ooone;
Thinking of you and hope you will find some peace. The only thing I could think of was maybe one of those indoor lights that is like sunlight. And outdoor exercise for the grounding it can do- no matter the weather. I hope you get a little rest, things sound challenging for you at this time. Hang in there.
Terri

[sevenofwands]

Hello Ooone:

I echo what Tsurandy and Terri have said.  It must be very difficult for you, and trying to find a way to address your issues.  I agree that it may be helpful to talk with a therapist.  A listening ear can be such a huge help.

Do you have support from family and friends?  I hope so.
Was there some event in your life which you feel might have triggered your anxiety and present state of mind?

Wishing you well.
Seven

[OOOne]

I like I said, I have been seeing a psychologist for quite some time now. And I have been on pills and I have seen doctors since I was ten. I have counselling from both my private psychologist and at the university I attend.

I actually have those daylight lights installed in all my lighting fixtures. I golf about five times a week whether it is for personal reasons or for my school team.

It seems that I have run the gambit of things to do and try.

I really feel unsure, and I really do not think I have much time left. 

Thank you.

[sevenofwands]

As Tsurandy said:

"Talk to us here in the forum, you will find a lot of caring folks here."
People here will listen, and are very supportive.

Best wishes
Seven

[OOOne]

I feel like there really is no reason for me getting my graduates degree, I feel I am self-righteous in my endeavours. I play on the golf team and the rugby team. But that is the most socialising I do for the whole year. I just spent my twenty second birthday talking to my doctors, they did not it was my birthday and I found it quite refreshing at the time, but that feeling soon wore off. I spent that day and the weekend just driving around the city, listening to what I have created a so called "sad playlist" on my iPod.

[sevenofwands]

Ooone:

I found this, and thought it apt:

"""Hidden Gems
Experiences We Don't Understand
Sometimes we have an experience that we don’t understand, but if we look deeply, or wait long enough, a reason for that experience will usually reveal itself. All the events in our lives lead to other events, and all that we have manifested in this present moment is the result of past events and experiences. We cannot easily tease apart the many threads that have been woven together to create our current reality. Experiences that don’t make sense, as well as any that we regret, are just as responsible for the good things in our lives as the experiences we do understand or label as "good."

This is especially important to remember at times when we feel directionless or unsure of what to do. It is often at times like these that we take a job or move to a place without really knowing if it’s the right thing to do. We may ultimately end up leaving the job or the place, but often during that time we will have met someone who becomes an important friend, or we may have an experience that changes us in a profound way. When all the pieces of our life don’t quite make sense, we can remember that there may be some hidden gem of a reason that we are where we are having the experiences we are having. ""

It’s fun to look back on past experiences with an eye to uncovering those gems—the dreadful temporary job in a bland office building that introduced you to the love of your life; the roommate you couldn’t tolerate who gave you a book that changed your life; the time spent living in a city you didn’t like that led you into a deeper relationship with yourself. Remembering these past experiences can restore our faith in the present. Life is full of buried treasures. Chances are, you’re sitting on some right now. ""

Ooone:
You evidently have a lot of energy and motivation to be able to engage in playing both golf and rugby several times a week, with the commitment that involves.
Are your parents still living?  Do you have siblings?
Oh, to be 22 again! (L).  And maybe a "happy playlist" would be a change.  What do you think?

Best wishes
Seven

[OOOne]

I just found out that my Mother was trying to, and at one point in talking with my psychologists was able to squeeze some information out of him. It seems that I cannot trust anybody around me. And when I look at things rationally it makes me more frustrated with that, and the situation around me how could those two people beseech my trust in that way. I will not be seeing my psychologist again, I feel as though I can never trust him again. It also makes me weary of future doctors at the same time.

I do not think I could just get up and move and make such a life changing event in my life, I am firmly planted down at this point. I could perhaps transfer to a new school, but that what put my anxiety into high gear again. I have worked hard at my school and it is a pride thing to be going there, but at the same time I have built some very small relationships. I would not call them friends, but they are the people I am able to chat with once in a while. And for me that is very hard to come by and maintain.

Honestly, when I look back at my past experiences I do not know what was real. I have been on heavy doses of medications since I was ten and I do not know who the real me is. It is like having a long drawn out lobotomy. I do not think I will ever find out who I really am. There is one time when I think I felt myself in the past decade and it was the greatest, hands down, best experience I ever had. When I overdosed last winter; that moment when you knew you had just taken the right mixture of alcohol and narcotics, right before you pass out. It lasts for about five seconds, but I know that, that was the greatest moment of my life. And I am tempted to relive that, because it felt like the only true thing in my life, and whatever the outcome I know that those were the best five seconds of my life.

I will make a “Happy Playlist” but "sad songs say so much". 

[sevenofwands]

Hello Ooone:

Good to read your post.  And no, it would not necessarily be a good idea to change schools. But then, life is so full of surprises, so you never know, do you.

I am sorry to hear that you have had to look back on many years of heavy medication.  Sorry to hear too of your experience with your psychologist. 

Well, there are lots of joyful songs/music out there , with good content.   For myself, I never listen to a "sad" song (in fact they get on my nerves lol), and as for drama-rama movies, not if I were paid to go to see them.

When you wish, do continue to write here. 

All the best
Seven