help.

[Feather]

I am a 29 yr. old female.  This is all so complicated.  When I was 21 I met the love of my life, though we were both in such awful situations.  Drug abuse and such.  I became pregnant about 3 months after I started seeing him.  When I discovered I was pregnant I cleaned up my act and begged, cried, threatened for him to do the same.  He didn't.  He ended up in jail when I was 5 months pregnant.  I wrote, visited, took our son after he was born for over a year.  He had a 10 year sentence.  After my child's father had been in prison for almost 2 years (I was faithful up until that point), I met a man and married.  I never loved this man the way I loved my child's father, but decided it was time for us to move on.  I had another child with my husband (my children are the biggest blessing in my life).  My husband and I separated in March 2006.  My first child's father was released in July 2006.  It was as if no time had passed, we loved, we laughed, we cried, I felt whole again.  He had just begun to establish a relationship with his son when I felt something was amiss.  Sure enough he admitted to drug use.  In November he checked himself in to rehab, became my golden man once again, and was released from rehab on December 8.  I was out of town over the weekend, we had plans to meet December 12.  He was killed in a motorcycle wreck just last Sunday (the 10th).  I am still in a loveless marriage, the love of my life is gone, I hurt So bad. I cry, cry, cry.  WHY? What do I do?

[Robinbird]

The loss of your loved one is the most horrible pain.  For me, it's my children who keep my spirit up a bit, keep me trying, moving just enough to get by.  I'd like to crawl into a deep hole and just sleep about 100 years... but my 14 and 16 year old need and deserve more. 

You have to give yourself time to heal, to get stronger before you can begin to decide how to change life for the better.  I am taking that time... to breathe, to rest, to cry.  It hurts... but having loved, it hurts to lose that lover, husband, friend. I  miss my husband so very much.  He had a smile that lit up the room, a big heart, a good laugh, wonderful hugs. It's tough to believe he isn't around.... but my children are here... they hug, smile, laugh too.  Your children grow each day, you'll blink and they'll be highschoolers!  Leave yourself time to cry, time to hurt, but also plan some time to do cozy, fun, sweet, calm things with your two children. It's time you can not ever get back...and even a little shared time means a lot...
Robin