change of seasons

[littleha]

For those of us not yet at the 1 yr mark I have been wondering if others see what I am seeing these days. My darling wife Cathy died on May 11th of this yr and I have been going to visit her grave every Sunday since then. This week while I was there I noticed how things are changing. It was spring when she died and the tulips were in full bloom and too early to plant the veggies. Summer came and the tulips at the cemetery were replaced with annuals. Then there are all the shrubs and trees that are there. Now it is autumn and the plants are starting to wilt and the trees turning colour and shedding their leaves. Soon there will be no more leaves on the trees or bushes and the snow will arrive. I hope I am not sounding down as that is not the idea. I am just curious if others are feeling what I seem to be these days as the days are slowly getting cooler and the major holidays are approaching which is a totally different subject to deal with.
Allan

[Lisasean2001]

Allan,

My wife Lisa passed on July 4th of this year. It was right at the peak of summer. I went to her grave the other day and it hit me like a ton of bricks. I had not realized that it is already three months since she was killed. I had been so swamped with getting our son registered for school and taking care of funeral costs and going back to work to keep them off of my back and simply missing her every second of every day that in the blink of an eye the seasons changed and we are now into fall. I watched fall approach and took no notice. I always loved the fall prior to this year. However, with my loving wife no longer with us and this season being the first change since her death, I find it painful to try and enjoy all that we did in years past during this time, to include preparing for the upcoming holidays.

This time of year is often referred to as the "dying time", a time when all things come to an end and prepare for their slumber through the winter so that they may rise again in spring. I hold no place in my heart for this time of year anymore and I wish, as I am sure you do, that this was not my life. I wish that all of this never happened and that Lisa would be with us for many years to come.

May you find peace in your time of need and may happiness and light fill your soul again.

Sean

[Luvinmike]

Dear Allan;
Thinking of you as we are aware of the seasons continually changing, and the rest of the world seems to keep moving while we wonder what to do. It hurts a lot to see the time go by and the memories of each season can hit really hard. I too notice the mums at the cemetary now. You, Sean, and all of us here are in my thoughts as we head into the fall. Let a memory of a shared smile with our loved one give us one moment of peace. Terri

[cokieslittlegirl]

My dad passed away last Feb. When spring came it was like another one of those stabs to the heart. It seemed to "spring" up out of nowhere and I remember thinking, it can't come without him. I think that about all the seasons now, how they just keep coming with out him. Like Terri and Sean said it's so painful to realize the time going by. I wish I could make it stop and turn back.
 But with each season, there are the memories of times spent doing stuff with my Daddy, all kinds of stuff. So we do have that and the changes perpetuate those memories, all we have now. I hope I can get to the point where the memories bring me more joy and love and less pain.

I wish the same for you all.
Keri

[Evergreen101]

Allan,

Yes, the fall season has come upon us very quickly. I was just watering my wifes tomatoes just the other day, and was noticing that all of the sudden, there were not as many as usual. My neighbors will miss that, as I was never much of a tomato lover, but my wife sure was.
I lost my wife Anita on August 27th, at the young age of 48. We were together 10 years and she was complaining of a back ache on August 22nd, when she all of the sudden said "Oh my God",  folded her arms over her chest and collapsed on the floor of our home.
She immediately was not breathing, and although I worked on her and the ambulance was there quickly, it took an electrical shock to get her pulse going again. She had suffered too much brain injury from lack of oxygen and blood flow (7 - 15 mins) and was in a coma for four days, before having a second heart attack while on life support. At this point, it was decided by myself and her family to remove her from life support, as the neurologist said she could only survive in a vegetative state, and she would not have wanted that.
I am at least thankful that I did get to spend one last summer with her, but I really wish she was still here, telling me to paint a wall or take out the garbage. I really miss her.

Paul.

[Lisasean2001]

Hello Paul,

I am so sorry for your loss. I am glad you have found this place and regretful your circumstances warranted that you seek it out. You will find many a gentle soul here that you can speak with in forum. Unfortunately for them, as well as us, they have had to deal with the very same unyielding shock and devastation that a loss of this magnitude brings.

Please speak of your wife frequently. I have found that it helps me, although only slightly now as the wound is still raw, but I hope that with time I will yet again be able to smile more than cry when I think of the times we shared.

I wish you peace and hope that your mind will allow you to rest and dream of better days.

Sean

[Evergreen101]

Thank you Sean, and I too am saddened by your loss of Lisa as well.
While there is nothing that anyone can say or do to lessen what we are all feeling right at this moment, there is some sort of comfort in the fact that you are not alone in your suffering.
Unfortunately, that also means that someone else has to go through this as well, life just does not seem fair at times.
Like most of everyone on this site, I too was hoping to enjoy many more years with Anita, my Honey, and it is hard to believe that our lives were to take this devastating turn. It always seemed that these things happened to someone else, and now we are the someone else.
I am hoping that by expressing what I am feeling over the next few months, years, who knows, that I can learn to gradually accept what has happened to us. It would seem that it is defintely going to take a long time.

Thanks, Paul

[MISSINGYOU]

I was wondering about all this in regards to everyone else. I miss my Dad so much. We would go hunting together in the fall. I remember asking Dad if shooting a pheasant on the ground was legal as I almost stepped on one. He laughed at me, especially when it flew up in front of me. The year my little brother shot at 6 or 7 different deer running toward him and missed them all and Dad and I stood and watched the whole thing in hysterics. I know not everyone likes hunting, thats ok, but dad believed we should know how to hunt to provide for ourselves and enjoy what God gave us on earth. I remember so many lessons now. Clear vivid memories.

Yes I have noticed the change of seasons and I want to stop time. I don't want to forget, I don't want to lose the good weather as this means he is farther away from me.

Elizabeth

[Luvinmike]

Dear Paul;
Thinking of you and very sorry for your loss of your dear wife Anita. please write and post as you like, tell us about her if you can. I am truly sorry and sending you strength in these difficult times. Walking, talking w/ caring people, nature, have been helpful for me. Again, just sorry for your loss.
Terri

[Evergreen101]

Thank you Terri,

This week the reality of what has happened really hit home. I am finding it extremely difficult to eat, sleep or concentrate on anything. Anita worked from home, and after being at my place of work for 21 years, I found myself out of a job when the company went bankrupt in March. Now I think it was a blessing, getting to spend 5 solid months at home with her. In a way though, that also makes it harder, as we did spend so much time together and now I feel so all alone.
Anita was a little firecracker. She had her own business moving all of Yamaha's freight, pianos, stereo's and the like across Canada for the last four years. If you bought something from Yamaha, she got it to your store.
We were both private people, prefering to live like hermits (her son's name for us) rather than be really sociable, although when she felt like it, she could charm the birds from the trees. Unfortunately, that does come with some catches at a time like this. I never really realized just how much I relied on and loved her company, day in and out. I am trying to get back into the workforce, almost ready to do anything, just to get out of the house and think of something else even for a short time. I just have too much downtime now, and the weather is getting colder, and I don't want to be stuck in the house.
I just wish things could be the way they were six weeks ago. It was my birthday the day before she had her heart attack, and she gave me a great card, calling me her wonderful husband. I will keep that for eternity. We just never saw this coming.

Paul

[Donna B.]

Allan I know and can feel what you do about the changing of seasons. And the holidays approaching. This Dec. 20 would have been my husband and my anniversary of 41 yrs. Now this year since my daughter died in June I think how can I handle this month, because her birthday would have been Dec 23rd. Usually I look forward to the fall, this year I feel a dread. I am so sorry for your loss Allan. It was hard the first holidays after my husband died, but as a lot of people have said I just kept on going. I hope we can all be there for each other at this time of the year. (((hugs))) to you and everyone on this site.

Donna

[rita-grammy]

My Becca passed away July 2008 so its been 1 year two months and 8 days. When fall came last year I thought to myself everything is dying just like my Becca did. everything was turning ugly like my life had turned....I did not celebrate any of the holidays .... this year is really not that much different I miss her terribly. I don't mean to sound so down...this is just the way it is now.

I am very sorry for your loss...all you can do is live day by day ...

Rita

[littleha]

Hi Rita;
maybe the comments on your post is  why I thought of this discussion as I too looked around me this past week and noticed how things are starting to die off for the winter and people will hibernate in their homes. Less contact with neighbours and such. I find myself grieving more these past few weeks than I have in the past month or so. I know I am only coming up to 5 mths on this journey  but there are days that just seem to bring me right back to the first week or 2 of this terrible path we are on. If the past 4 mths have managed to go so quickly hopefully the winter mths will go fast also.

 Everyone take care
Allan

[teppuM999]

yep, i've been noticing it.
i see leaves turning yellow, falling from trees, fog in the mornings, cold rains, and i wonder what's going on because mentally, i'm still stuck in june.
matthew died in june. we had just gotten our garden going, sumer was starting, things were going so wonderfully well. a house and kids of our own right around the corner and then...

...the cold weather should mean sleeping in together, snuggling, hot cocoa and staying indoors in each other's company. the weather is finally starting to reflect the way i feel inside, though, which in a way brings its own bizarre comfort. sunny days were like a joke to me.

[bluegrass1965]

I definitely feel this change even though my dad just died about a month ago....he loved to work outside in the yard and when I was at his house this weekend the leaves were starting to change and I thought, dad would have loved this weather. He would have been leaf-blowing and getting the cars ready for winter.

Someone told e this week that the "first" everything without your loved one is very hard--first month, first change of seasons, first holidays, first birthday they missed etc.  I am hoping it will get better but it sure doesn't feel like it right now.

BTW there is a great book on amazon which has helped me a lot this past few weeks--I got it from the library and then had to buy myself a copy. Each page has a question or statement from people who have been through a significant grief process, and then a discussion about the idea--and some great thoughts about constructive, positive ways to channel grief into something transformational. It is not religious in nature, and applies to many different scenarios where a loved one has been lost or we are unsure about how to proceed (sudden death, prolonged illness, etc).

A Time to Grieve, by Carol Staudacher.  It is ON SALE down from 14.95 to $6 right now.