HUsband Died on April 29.

[erinatkins]

My husband of almost 20 years died on April 29, I was at home when I got a call saying he had collapsed on the softball field and they were bringing him to the ER. When I got to the ER I was brought to the back
with our daughter to an empty room and I thought he was in surgery or something. I still hear them in my mind telling me there was was nothing they could do. I remember my sister coming and the next couple
weeks were a blur. The night before he died we were talking about our daughter's high school gradation. May 13 would have been 20 years. Then in June my daughter graduated. If was a good but sad day. Then
his birthday &; my birthday were in July. My daughter started college at the end of August. I am so proud of her and I am glad she is trying to follow her dreams.

However I sit here again and I feel so alone even though I do have family near here. I know they care and are supportive but I feel so alone. They ask how they can help but no one can bring him back. No
one can make the pain stop. I really wish we had died together or I had died first so I would not be dealing with this. I love my daughter and I know if anything happened to her I could not take it. I am
trying to stay positive for her but I am so over whelmed at times. Being busy at times helps - other times it doesn't.

There are times I wish I could go back and maybe something could have been different that day and he would still be here but I can't. This isn't a dream it really happened and it isn't fair.

He had had kidney cancer and he had hepatitis C from a blood transfusion. He had tied an experimental treatment but the virus came back. I knew in my mind that when the virus got worse he could die or
if the cancer came back, however I knew I would have time to say good bye. I was not able to say goodbye or prepare myself. However I am not sure if that I would have handled it any better if I had time to prepare. How do you prepare to lose someone you have loved for almost half your life?

I  keep thinking I am too young to be a widow. We never did a few things we had wanted to do together. Some things were put off until our daughter finished college. I don't think I can even try to afford
them.

How do you make the pain go away? How do you stop crying? When do you feel like you aren't falling apart? How do you say goodbye to the person you love when they aren't there anymore and they should be? What if I am not strong enough to handle this? How am I suppose to live without him? How was this fair?  I am trying to find someone who understand how I feel and can relate.

I never imagined my life without him. It's like part of me is missing and no one really understands how lost I feel. There are times I am so tired of crying.

[littleha]

erinatkins, I have felt every emotion that you have written in your post and no it is not easy to keep going. I will be a 4mths into this terrible journey tomorrow on Sept 11th. I cry often and am also lonely. My last son moved out last yr but they both live in the same city as I do. We talk on the phone several times a week and it does help sooth the pain for awhile.

I have heard other people say I wish I would have died first and so did I, but when you really think about it, would you want your spouse to go through the pain you are now? I know in my heart that I would not have wanted my wife to go through the grief that I face every day now.

Sometimes I think maybe if things were different on that day she would still be with me. She came home early from work not feeling well and called asking if I could come home. When I arrived 30mins later she was already dead on our bed. That was around lunch time. I was supposed to work evening shift that week and if I hadn't switched to days I would have been at home when  she got there. What would I have done, probably sent her to bed to rest. So the way I see it nothing would have ended up different except it would have been a couple of hrs later instead of 30mins before I found her.

We were just starting the next phase of our life together as the kids had moved out and we were still both young. Her 50 and me 53 at the time.
I am no expert in any of these matters, only my personal experience. Is there a grief group that you can attend where you are able to vent to others who understand or a grief counselor that you can talk to?
Coming on this site, reading other posts helps in the sense that you know that you are not alone on this journey. 
Please take care erinatkins
Allan

[Luvinmike]

I am so sorry Erinatkins I am so so sorry. I could have written your post. It is sixteen months since the unexpected and immediate death of my sweet husband mike. I am glad to report that i can breathe, eat, talk and even think again. It is coming back. I have never known pain like this loss- I hope never to know it again. i cry every day- but my mind and body have healed a lot since May 17, 2008. Take care of you through each day.
Sending you strength...
Terri

[tsurandy]

Erinatkins. I am sorry for your pain. You will find a lot of support from the folks on this forum, we all share the bond of grief of loss of a loved one.  My thoughts are with you!

[browneyedgirl]

Erinatkins ~ I am so very sorry for the loss of your husband. 

This board is a great place, a safe place, a friendly place.  There are many supportive people here.

Take care of your self. 

(((hugs)))

[georgiapeaches]

Erinatkins,
I am so sorry for your loss, I also lost my husband of 20 years, April 13 '08 very suddenly, I do know how badly it hurts. It takes time to finally be able to breathe as Terri says, but with the amazing support from the wonderful people on this board you can do it. We are all here for you, to help you get through this very tough journey. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Georgia.

[erinatkins]

Hi All,

I appreciate all the feedback and knowing I am not alone. It has been really hard. Weekends seem to be the worse for me. Even if we didn't spend every moment of every weekend together - I knew he was there. He use to spend alot of time in his computer room but I knew he was there. I could walk in and talk to him.  It is weird not having him there.  How do you do feel with the emptiness and lonliness?

Erin

[littleha]

For me the loneliness is very hard. Even though my MIL(she is 85) lives with me, something I promised my wife, she is mostly upstairs doing her thing. I try to keep busy doing what ever needs taking care of in the house be it the laundry, vacuuming, cooking, cutting the grass, reading, and pursuing my stamp collection hobby that I, took up again for the first time after Cathy died. With going to work even all that at times does not seem to be enough to keep my mind busy. For me I found there is no easy answer and I just let the feeling flow if they want to. I talk to my 2 boys on the phone 2 or 3 times a week and that also helps.  Weekends have become a little easier but the worst right now are the long weekends. We just went through another one. Sometimes when at work I think that Cathy is going to call me on my cell  as she did at least once a day.  I miss those calls a lot. Even though mother-in-law and me are a little like oil and water we do get along somehow. It was very very difficult at first as we had both lost one of the most important things in our lives. It is a catch 22 as I'm ok if she is not here but I do like the company sometimes. Sounds weird I know.
Take care Erin
Allan

[mousewife]

Erinatkins,

I am sorry you have to go through this. The lonliness is something that people would never realize until they have gone through it.  I remember during the first months after my husband died how intense the quiet was.  You don't know how comforting the everyday sounds a loved one makes until they are gone.  It is very odd.  It intensifies the lonliness to recognize how much you miss those sounds.  It did get better for me that way after several months.  I still have the lonliness, but it's not so heartbreaking.

Re knowing ahead of time a loved one is going to die, you do have the chance to say goodbye, put you can never really be prepared for it.  Sometimes I have wished that I hadn't had to watch my husband die.  It is heart-redering.  But, either way, it is the loss of the present and future with our spouse that we grieve. 

We almost always have regrets, but a lot of times they are about things we couldn't have known to do differently.  It is hard not to feel badly about them though.

I think it helps to write in a journal things that you wish to say to your husband.  It isn't that it works a miracle, but it is one way to express your feelings.  It just takes a lot of time and awareness that it isn't all in a straight line,  It takes a lot of patience, which none of us really feel like we have when we are in pain.

Peace and Healing,
mouswife

[georgiapeaches]

hi Erin,
I know this sounds weird, but I have come to enjoy the weekends (sometimes) I like to be alone (sometimes) it just helps me to think about things. I didnt like it a year ago when my husband first died. My kids are young and still live at home, teenagers, so when they are home, so are there friends, so when they all go out, its kind of a silence sometimes that I need, but like I said I really needed them here a year ago. I was like you, my husband would be on the computer and I knew he was there, I was able to go in and talk to him. So now when I am alone I just remember the good memories, like I said I dont like to be alone all the time, last night I had my little noah with me, hes a little boy I babysit, and we had a blast, sometimes I need that to. You will find out what makes you feel better, it just takes time, dont rush things. baby steps. get lots of rest.

georgia.

[SoCal2010]

I'm sorry for your loss erinatkins. Weekends were the hardest for me too when my Mom first passed away, although now for some reason they are okay. It seems like things change from month to month. I hope you're finding comfort in your daughter. (((hugs)))



P.S. Allan, that's so great that your MIL is staying with you. I'm sure Cathy is very happy that you are both together and that you're looking after her Mom.

[erinatkins]

Thanks all.

Hopefully in time things will get easier. I think not having the noise or seeing light on in back room makes it rough.

Plus this week my daughter got upset. She keeps trying not to talk about her dad since she gets upset. However I think not talking about it is making it harder on her. I think she needs to cry a little more. It isn't fair she is having to deal with all this.

Erin

[Luvinmike]

Dear Erin;
You sound like such a thoughtful Mom. I hope your daughter will continue to talk about her Dad as she can. My daughter is nineteen now and she seems to be doing alright. About every three days she will have a time of telling me she is depressed, but then she goes and does what she needs to do- and she is jogging which is good. I am making scrapbooks for the kids right now- so they can have them in their own rooms. Every day hurts but is has gotten a little less intense for all of us, more sorrow than panic finally. Click the photobucket link at the end of my post to see my husband. He played softball too. I did not get to say goodbye, but in our nearly twenty years, I did get to cry to him and tell him how much I loved him. I still talk to him now- and I tell him all the things I would say if I had been able to on the day of his death. I tell him how I feel and I pray he knows and feels our love. It brings a little peace. Thinking of you and wishing you a good memory to hold onto today.
Terri

[erinatkins]

Terri,

I did see picture of your husband and I appreciate your thoughts and experiences.  Yesterday was a really bad for us. She keeps trying to see what she did wrong and why she is being punished. I keep telling her it isn't her fault and she didn't do anything wrong.

She has dealt with so much over the last 6 years - she has had appendix out, bowel obstruction, gall bladder removed, spincterotomy and 4 feet surgeries.  She was in hospital for week and after she got out Brian died 5 days later. She graduated from high school this year and it was a hard day on us. She did start community college and I think it maybe a little rough on her right now. She is dealing with so much.

I am trying so hard to keep it together and it isn't always easy. In fact it is really hard at times.

Erin