How do you keep on going?

[dc264]

In the last 4 1/2 years I have lost my husband of 28 yrs, 1 brother and now my fiancee.  I don't know how much more I can go thru.  Can someone tell me how you keep going???
dc264

[Luvinmike]

Dear dc264;
I have a feeling many of us ask this question over and over, how to keep going. I guess it changes sometimes hour to hour, would you agree. I keep reminding myself to learn from my own kids. Our son said,"The only thing that could be worse is if only some people die." This had a profound effect on me as I realized that we all have our time here to do what we can or choose to do. It does not heal the pain of losing the love of my life, but I started to imagine that I had to also use my time well. I could hardly function so this did not seem possible until the second year. I also remember my Pastor saying,"There is only great and enormous grief and pain where there has also been great love." The love will never die, the acts of kindness we do in our loved ones name can also live on. I guess just doing what I know my husband would want me to do for our family pushes me thru the times I can't cope at all. Thinking of you dc264, wishing you a moment of peace. Terri

[erinatkins]

I can understand how you feel. My dad died in January and my husband in April. My mom and her sister died also before that. I think I was able to do handle things fairly well until my husband died. I knew deep down since my mom had been so sick and couldn't do anything she was in a better place. My dad was also older so I could understand it since he had problems. My husband was different story since we were/are young and had alot to live for.  I am having alot of trouble with this. My daughter is what is keeping me going right now.

Erin

[littleha]

Hi dc264
My counselor asked me that question at one of our meetings and I took a minute to think of an answer as no one had ever asked that to me before. My answer was a short list. My 2 boys who had already moved out and lost their mother, my job even though I don't enjoy it as much as before , my mother-law who is 85, alone and lives with me, the fact my wife would want me to keep going and then the fact that I am still young at the age of 54.
Terri, your son's comment makes one think and it is true that the time we have here is limited and we must try and make the most of it even when one feeling broken.
Take care
Allan

[bluegrass1965]

Right now I just keep going by doing little things.  If I get a load of laundry done and pick up a few groceries, I consider those major accomplishments. 

[cokieslittlegirl]

Some days I don't know if I can keep going...or if i even want to.  But, somehow I pull from the strenth my father instilled in me. I keep going because he wants me too. Because I need to for him. These days I do it for him, even though he's gone, he's still living in my heart pushing me through.

Strength to you. It is a long journey.

[dc264]

Right now I just keep going by doing little things.  If I get a load of laundry done and pick up a few groceries, I consider those major accomplishments. 

I know what you mean.  I sit here on the weekend and sometimes never leave the house but I seem to  get nothing done.  I have always kept a clean house, dusting a couple of times a week and now I could care less if it ever gets cleaned because I feel like I have no one to keep it clean for.  I work fulltime and the days I work are my best days because sometimes when I come in from work I will put laundry on or clean the floors.  I have to adult sons but I hear from them but they are so busy with their jobs and life that they have little time for me.  Thanks for letting me know it is ok for now.  I am so glad to have found this sight, but it sad to think so many people are going thru such awful things. 
dc264

[dc264]

Dear dc264;
I have a feeling many of us ask this question over and over, how to keep going. I guess it changes sometimes hour to hour, would you agree. I keep reminding myself to learn from my own kids. Our son said,"The only thing that could be worse is if only some people die." This had a profound effect on me as I realized that we all have our time here to do what we can or choose to do. It does not heal the pain of losing the love of my life, but I started to imagine that I had to also use my time well. I could hardly function so this did not seem possible until the second year. I also remember my Pastor saying,"There is only great and enormous grief and pain where there has also been great love." The love will never die, the acts of kindness we do in our loved ones name can also live on. I guess just doing what I know my husband would want me to do for our family pushes me thru the times I can't cope at all. Thinking of you dc264, wishing you a moment of peace. Terri

Terri
Thanks for the reminder that we need to keep going because this is what our loved ones would want us to do.  I realize that and at times I wish I would have died when my 1st husband died, but then I had to think about my to sons, who were 20 and 19.  They still lived at home with me and they did keep up going but the minute they left the house to go out I would just fall apart.  But 18 months later I found someone and we fell in love and we were going to be married but he got cancer and died 4 months later.  He had bought us a home and I now live in this home and my boys are at my original home, so they are not there like before to make me get up and go.  Just like you said you do what you do because that is what your loved ones would want.  I'm trying but it is so hard.  I am thankful for my job because I know I have to go there and it is the only thing I feel I have to do right now.  Hope you are having a peaceful day.
dc264

[dc264]

I can understand how you feel. My dad died in January and my husband in April. My mom and her sister died also before that. I think I was able to do handle things fairly well until my husband died. I knew deep down since my mom had been so sick and couldn't do anything she was in a better place. My dad was also older so I could understand it since he had problems. My husband was different story since we were/are young and had alot to live for.  I am having alot of trouble with this. My daughter is what is keeping me going right now.

Erin

Erin
Hi!  I know what you mean.  I lost my dad in 11-01.  He had been real ill so I knew he was in a better place and no longer hurting.  In 12-04 my husband of 28 yrs died of a heart attack, I had just spoken to him 15 minutes before and when I got home he was dead.  It left me with 2 boys 20 and19.  They still lived at home with me.  I have to keep going as long as they were in the house but the minute I got alone I fell apart.  I can't tell you the number of hours I spent in bed crying and screaming.  In 10-2008 my oldest brother was stabbed and he died 2 days later.  I just couldn't hardly handle that, then in January 2009 my fianc'e was diagnosed with cancer on the lungs that had went to the brain and died 4-28-09.  And now here I am again trying to move on with my life and some days I just don't know I will make it this time.  My boys live in my  original home and I fall apart everytime I go into the house.  I cry all the way to my new home.  It has been 4 almost 5 years and I still  can't do it.  I t seems as I find someone or something to make things bearable I get knocked down.  This year another one of my brother in 2-09 had to have surgery on his back and he came out and couldnt walk or move his left side but with therapy he is now able to walk but in extreme pain all the time.  My mom was diagnosed with lung cancer in 4-09 and had her surgery to remove right lobe on 5-4-09 and she wound up in a semi coma for about a week, we almost lost her.  She came home after 3 weeks and the blessing is she is doing fine now, no more treatment is required at this time.  We get her checked out every 3 months.
So as you can see I have had a bad few years and I just need support to know that I am not the only one going thru things and I have to know that we all are here for a reason, and to make our mark on the world as so I will keep going a day at the time.  Sorry this got so long I just needed to vent.
dc264

[dc264]

Hi dc264
My counselor asked me that question at one of our meetings and I took a minute to think of an answer as no one had ever asked that to me before. My answer was a short list. My 2 boys who had already moved out and lost their mother, my job even though I don't enjoy it as much as before , my mother-law who is 85, alone and lives with me, the fact my wife would want me to keep going and then the fact that I am still young at the age of 54.
Terri, your son's comment makes one think and it is true that the time we have here is limited and we must try and make the most of it even when one feeling broken.
Take care
Allan

Allan
I admire you for being able to still take care of your MIL at such a difficult time, but at times I wish my 2 boys were still at home because when I lost my 1st husband in 12-04 my boys still lived at home and they kept me going until they would go out at night and then I would fall apart.  So at times I wish they were still with me to keep together so to speak.  Do you feel that therapy helps you?  I have thought about going but I just don't know if it would help.
I hope you have a good week.
dc264

[dc264]

Some days I don't know if I can keep going...or if i even want to.  But, somehow I pull from the strenth my father instilled in me. I keep going because he wants me too. Because I need to for him. These days I do it for him, even though he's gone, he's still living in my heart pushing me through.

Strength to you. It is a long journey.

Hi!  Thanks for the reminder that we need to keep going for our loved that have gone before us.  I feel they are in a much better place and I have to know that someday I will join them.  That is what I think about, and at times I wish it could be today, but I know that we all have our time and it is not under my control but in god's hands.
So I take it a day at the time and rush each day over with so I can be one day closer to being with them.
dc264 

[dc264]

Right now I just keep going by doing little things.  If I get a load of laundry done and pick up a few groceries, I consider those major accomplishments. 

I know what you mean.  I feel if I go to work everyday that I can take the weekend off and do nothing and that is what I do "nothing"  I know I need to set myself a goal for the day but right know I just tell myself it is OK you will get better as time goes on.  Thanks and take care.
dc264

[rita-grammy]

leaving my house to go grocery shopping is a big step and I have to talk myself into that ...I try to be friendly and talk to people at the store and so many have smiled or just said hello that helps me ......other times I walk through the store crying and people look at me as though I've lost it......maybe at times I have....but, this is how I survive....we do need to take the time to take care of ourselves do what is right for us ...  I do what helps me cope and it does'nt matter what others feel is right or wrong I have to worry about me and no one else....I've lost my brother my father my mother and now my daughter....sometimes I don't think I can go on ....losing my daughter almost killed me...but, I have to I have other children and they need me right now.....I understand how you feel ....like someone on this site told me day by day...little baby steps...

Rita

[dc264]

leaving my house to go grocery shopping is a big step and I have to talk myself into that ...I try to be friendly and talk to people at the store and so many have smiled or just said hello that helps me ......other times I walk through the store crying and people look at me as though I've lost it......maybe at times I have....but, this is how I survive....we do need to take the time to take care of ourselves do what is right for us ...  I do what helps me cope and it does'nt matter what others feel is right or wrong I have to worry about me and no one else....I've lost my brother my father my mother and now my daughter....sometimes I don't think I can go on ....losing my daughter almost killed me...but, I have to I have other children and they need me right now.....I understand how you feel ....like someone on this site told me day by day...little baby steps...

Rita

HI Rita,
I am so sorry to hear of your loss.  It is so hard as you state. If it wasn't for my job and having to go to it I don't know if I would even go outside.  I have 3 brothers and my mom and my 2 boys but they all live in another town except for one brother and everyone has their own lives and I hate to ask them to take time away from their loved ones, I tell them you better spent ever minute you can with them because you never know when they may leave you.  I know this might sound bad but it is how I feel.  Take care
dc264

[Donna B.]

Hi dc264, first let me say I am so sorry for your losses. I lost my husband in June 2007 and just this past June I lost my oldest daughter. She was only 38 and it was quite sudden. I sometimes wonder why I am still here. The pain is almost unbearable. But as others have said you have to make the most out of the time we have left here. I know my husband and my daughter would want that. Somedays I just don't want to do anything and other days I make myself do things. Trying to stay busy. I do have other kids and grandkids and even great grandkids. That is what keeps me going. I am hoping you can find some kind of answer to your question. As someone told me after I lost my husband, you just keep putting one foot in front of the other and keep on going. (((Hugs)))) to you.

Donna