Our life ended on July 4th 2009.

[Lisasean2001]

Hello again.

I want to thank you all again for your sympathy and kind words for me during my struggle. It brings me some comfort to know that there are understanding people that are willing to listen (read) and to respond back with the kindest of heartfelt compassion toward myself and my son and father in-law. It does not fall on deaf ears and I appreciate all that each of you has versed concerning me in this forum. Thank you and bless you all.

LaurnE,

Thank you very much for the compliment. I find that if I write from my heart that the words flow more freely and lay more baroque. In addition they are words that are written to give you all an idea of my experience and how I felt about my wife. This is the woman who stole my heart and my breath from the day I was stricken by her individuality and unique combination of inner and outer beauty. She was the light in my world and since her passing that candle has been eclipsed. I knew no other love before her and like I stated earlier, I waited 27 years to meet her and am not sure if I will ever meet another woman who can make me feel the way I did in her presence.

I do cry, quite often in fact. I do not hide my feelings from our son and he has learned that when he sees me starting to break down and to tear up he will go to get me a tissue and then give me a hug and say that it will be alright because mommy is in a better place. It breaks my heart to feel so weak and inadequate for my son when it comes to the grieving of my wife. It breaks my heart to hear the very words I used when telling him about his mother, used to bring comfort to the one person who should be bringing that very comfort to him. He is so strong and is smarter beyond his years and the woman who has molded him into the person he is has been taken from us. It makes no sense and it pains me to know that understanding of this will never be mine while I walk this earth.

I have been cleaning out our apartment during the last couple of days and have started finding little knick knacks that she used to keep and feathers that she used to collect after her best friend died. She was a very spiritual person and was very in tune with what many people refer to as the afterlife. The day her friend died we were visited by a white dove that had a pink bracelet on its leg. She called to me and had me take pictures and as I was doing so this dove made its way right toward us. It was not afraid and made it a point to visit with us before leaving. She believed that it was her friend that had passed and I am not one to argue. She told me that her friend had worn a pink bracelet from the day she found out that she had breast cancer and was wearing it the day she passed. After that she would find feathers in our house during the day or night and would tell me that when she found them she had been thinking about her friend or thinking about a tough decision that she was going to have to make and would look down and see a feather. She would say it was her friend telling her that it would be OK and that she should do as she felt confident to do. I miss that confidence. I miss the brave and independent woman that would tell me everything would be alright, even in our darkest hour. She was the mortar that held this family together and by far brought out the very best in me.

I can not fathom what the holidays will be like this year without her. She did all of the decorating and the holidays were her time of year. She lived for them and after our son was born made it a point to ensure that they were the best time of each year. I have some very big shoes to fill this year and while I wish for them to be happy times for my son, I am dreadful of how they will actually play out for me. I will not get my card, my morning hug and kiss and will sorely miss the playful banter over which of us will get out of bed first to make coffee for the other. While the thought is a happy one it does not make me smile as I sit here and cry thinking of the times that were and will never be again. I miss her dearly and will do so until I take my last breath. My greatest hope is that she is right about the afterlife and I will see her again and feel the same feelings I felt as the first time I set my gaze upon her. The same feeling of light headedness from lack of breath the first time we kissed and the same feeling of pride and boastfulness when she would walk into a room of strangers and all their heads would turn to see who she was. There are five senses that most everyone has and it is very difficult to find a person that is appealing to each one. I found that person and lost her in what I consider to be the apex of my existence. For me the struggle to live goes on but the desire is lacking and I find myself wanting for strength and resolve that once came so liberally. I hope that this eases soon as my son does not deserve to see me this way. He does not deserve to be miserable because his father is. I know that if this maintains for much longer it will greatly affect him and I do not want this to be the bane of his existence. I try to hold on and let my emotions out mostly while he is at school or when he has gone to bed. I will continue this until I turn a corner so too speak and at that time I hope to be a stronger and better person for my son.

Sean

[carrieset]

Sean:

It brought tears to my eyes to read your post about your beautiful wife.  What an incredible love you had for her.

Your son sounds like a remarkable little guy.  Just my opinion, but I think it is healthy for him to see you cry. 

My kids certainly have seen alot of that from me these last 9 months.  My fiancee died of brain cancer on Christmas Eve 2008.  He was in our lives for almost 4 years and spent hundreds of hours with my children.  They loved him very much.

I have explained to them that it is very good to cry.   It is nothing to be ashamed of.   I want them to know that it is a healthy outlet.  My kids do not think any less of me because of it.  I take care of all of their daily needs, as I know you do your son.

I am not so great at trying to explain this.  They have seen their mom cry alot during Laurence's 2.8 years battling brain cancer and then alot of crying after he died.

Kids are very resilient.  They seem to bounce back alot better than we adults. 

I know others here can do better than I regarding your son.

I do understand the five senses as you talked about your wife.  I had all those senses working with my mate.  I don't think I will ever find that again. 

And the dove................before Laurence got the first tumor over 3 years ago, he had come by my house and I wasn't home.  My front door is white and has window panes at the top.  Anyway, in pencil he drew a little birdy right under one of the panes.  A few days after he died, I was sitting in a chair that faced my front door and a tiny little white dove sat on one of those window panes.  I was blown away.

I have never even seen a white dove up close. 

I am so sorry, Sean.  I understand the depths of the pain.  I have never experienced anything like this in my life.  Even when my son was diagnosed with autism or my X flat out rejected me for nothing after 20 years together.  Then I found the 5 senses "love of my life" and he died.

After 9 months it is better, not as horribly raw and painful as it was.  But every day still hurts.  It is just more manageable.

You sound like a great dad.  Your son will be fine; you need to express your grief, though.  Have you found a grief support group yet?  It helps.  It is nice to come here and express whatever we are feeling with no judgment.

Everyone here has been so wonderful.  I don't know how I would have made it without them.

Hugs and peace to you, Sean,

Carrie

[dc264]

My wife was killed in an accident on July 4th 2009. My life has come to a screeching halt, yet has been pushed into overdrive all at the same time. We have a 5 year old boy that started school this year and she missed his very first day of school. He was so happy and so proud of himself it broke my heart and I couldn't help but break down as he left my arms. Why was she meant to miss this? What did she do to deserve this? What did we do to deserve this?

I also had my first big event on September 1st as that was our 8th anniversary. She was the first person that I ever truly loved. I waited 27 years to meet her and had only 12 short years with her. I feel cheated and I feel let down. She was the most giving person I have ever met and I miss her every day.

For 14 years she worked with mentally disabled elderly people. These were "her guys". People that had been through the old system where they were beaten and abused on a daily basis. She loved these guys and put her heart and soul into her work. Why would someone who helps others as she did be taken so early in life? She was 38 and now she won't be able to see her son graduate or take pictures of him going to the prom or help him with homework or any of the many things that a mother looks forward to with their children. She raised our son by staying at home since he was born. She was looking forward to going back to work next year when he started 1st grade and would be in school all day versus half day.

My life has ended. Everyone keeps telling me that time will heal my heart and that I will love again. Maybe they are right, maybe they aren't. All I know is that I did not fall in love until I was 27 years old and I do not see it happening for me again. She was a very special person. She was my everything.

I have all of the regrets that come along with not being able to say goodbye along with other thoughts that haunt my mind about the accident. Did she suffer? Did she die all alone in the car out there on the road? Was anyone there to hold her hand and ease her pain? I did not get to say goodbye. I did not get to say I love you one last time. I did not get to kiss her goodbye. I did not get to hug her one last time and neither did her son. I am haunted by these thoughts everyday and I can not keep them from my mind. The happy thoughts do not bring comfort only pain and the thought of how those times have ended and will never be again.

I miss my wife. I miss my life. I went to her grave today to tell her about our son's first week in school and how much he loves it and all of the new friends he is making. Yet in all of that the one thought that kept coming to my mind is that there is no way a mother should have to hear about her son's school at her grave. I know that I am not the first person to experience this nor am I the only person in the world to have to raise his 5 year old by himself, but I will be damned if this is not the loneliest experience I have ever had in my entire life.

I took my son to his first day at school and there were couples everywhere taking pictures and asking people to take pictures of them with their children. I felt so alone, an outcast so to speak. It felt alien to me and it hurt so bad to think about all of the times to come and all of the firsts yet to come that she will not be a part of. She was my best friend and my confidant. She called me every day to make sure I made it to work safely and I miss those calls. I miss her lying next to me in bed and have been unable to sleep more than a few hours a night since this all happened.

I am broken.

Sean

Hi Sean, I am so sorry to hear about your loss.  I know it is hard but you have to find a way for your son who needs you and need him.  I have 2 sons and when their father died 4 1/2 years ago I hid the tears and I still can't talk to them about him because I want to protect them.  Like most parents do, you want to protect your kids and when they see us cry they know we are hurting.  Just take it a day a the time,  and god and your friends and family will see you thru it.  I didn't think I could ever love anyone like I loved him but I found some one about 2 1/2 years ago and I loved him more than I thought would be possible and I lost him too in April of this year.  You talk about hurt I almost has killed me  But you need to know that your wife would want you to move on with your life for you and for your son.  I just wanted you to know that loving some one else is possible, because I did and I never thought that could happen twice in a lifetime.   I will be thinking of you and your son.
dc264 

[Luvinmike]

Dear dc264;
I am so sorry for your losses. It is so hard sometimes, and there really are no words except I am sorry. Terri

Dear Sean;
Glad you are writing and expressing yourself. Sending you strength and patience. Remember deep breaths and baby steps. Sometimes that is all we can do. I am doing a little bit better at seventeen months. I agree with Lauren and also the thoughts on getting grief support in person. I did not do that for a year and i am now in a group w/ other people who have lost a spouse- we cry and share our stories, it is not depressing- it actually helps a little. Just wanted to tell you that. I am writing my husband's life story for our kids, I just got a digital camera so I can take photos of the houses he lived in. I also have been walking the track near my house and I make myself do it when my grief is horrifying, it helps me get calm. Hope these ideas may help a little. Terri

[Linda1977]

Sean,

I lost my mom "suddenly" by a drunk driver last December.  Everything you said hit home for me, not being able to say goodbye, did she suffer, was she scared...these are all things that haunt all of us.  One thing I DO KNOW is that my mom would not want me to be so sad.  That is easier said then done, isn't it!?! 

I hope that time will give all of us the strength to be happy again.  This forum seems to be a place to go when I feel that nobody truly gets what we are all feeling.  You are not alone, there are a lot of people who care.

Take care and try to stay busy.  It sounds like that is the case, since you have a wonderful little boy that is counting on you to continue. 

My deepest sympathy is being sent your way.

Linda

[Lisasean2001]

Carrieset,
Thank you for your words of encouragement and your compliment about my parenting, I hope to live up to them. I also had an experience similar to the dove myself. I was on the phone with one of my wife’s friends about 6 days after she was killed and as I was walking around the yard talking to her I stopped and looked down and I was standing in the middle of a group of white feathers in the middle of the yard. There was no reason for them to be there and their presence at that location still to this day is unexplained to me. There are also times when I will be thinking about her and a song will come on the radio. Not any song, but one she had told me contained words that defined how she felt about herself. There are not a lot of those songs so when something like this happens I tend to pay attention to the occurrence. I hope that these happenings are her talking to me from the other side telling me that she is alright and that she can see me and feel my love for her. It is all I have now. Thank you for the hugs, sending some back your way and may you find peace as well

Dear dc264,
My deepest sympathy to you. You have not once, but twice been stricken by the sorrow of loss so close that I can not imagine how you must feel. I can understand the pain and I can understand the sorrow, it must be so difficult. For you to be here and functioning you must be a very strong person. Your soul must have a special place in the afterlife, for having to go through so much in one lifetime is more than any god can ask of one person. My heart goes out to you in your hour of darkness and my hope for you that there is a candle to light your way to see happiness yet again.

Terri,
Thank you for your ideas and for your kind thoughts. I have found that in this time we are given in order to make the most of it we must express ourselves as if tomorrow never comes for it might not. I have started going to the gym again and to be honest, have not found it to be quite the release I thought it would be. I think that it has to do with my personality more than the actual act itself. It has helped me physically, but mentally it does not help, yet, I will add. I went the other day, Saturday to be exact, and I took my son with me as they have day care for him. I spent two hours vigorously running, lifting weights and then onto the elliptical for 20 minutes. I then picked up my son and as I was driving home it all of sudden hit me like a brick. It was a beautiful day and I sat behind the wheel of my car and thought of the times that my wife and I spent outside and went to the park with our son during days like those and I cried. Not just a sob, but tears to the point of affecting my vision, which forced me to pull over to get my head straight. I could not believe it. I was dumbstruck by how the emotions came in a tidal wave of pain and panting that took hold of me and would not let go until I stopped what I was doing. But I digress. My intentions are to thank you and wish you the best that I can in this time forced upon us by fate. I hope that you can find some solace in your life and that you can come to a better place as days become weeks and weeks become months and years. My best to you.

Linda,
I am also sorry that you have been forced to deal with the unknown and unresolved facet of our experiences with the sudden passing of a loved one. This is something that no person should have to endure. My heart goes out to you as I understand what it is that you are going through and will continue to bear for as long as you are with us on this earth. I too am burdened with the yoke of disbelief and mystery surrounding the loss of my wife and it is a pain like no other. I thank you for your kindness and wish you the best that this life can offer you.

One truth in this experience I am finding is that there is truly no way to stop the thoughts of those questions from running through my mind. I ask them every day she is not here. I ask them when I am sitting alone at this computer and typing on this forum. I ask them as I sit silent while driving myself to work or taking our son to school. The questions and the pictures are seared into my brain and it is at the most inopportune moments that they tend to arise and wage their private battle against my sanity. The images of her hair blowing in the wind as we drove to my parents’ house that day and the smile on her face as our son complimented her on her beauty constantly enter my mind as if to torture me into submission. I know that I am not the only one to have experienced loss or the only one to have lost a spouse however, at this very moment in my life it is the loneliness that is most prevalent. I cry and she is not here to comfort. I am angry and she is not here to ground me. I come home and she is not here to greet me with a kiss and a hug. My son is here, but this is not a sorrow that you can share with a 5 year old. This is not a burden that you place on the shoulders of one you should be comforting. He does not deserve to carry this tragedy with him through his life. I know that he is resilient and that his sorrow is different than mine. Now is my time to be broken and attempt to piece myself together and I hope that I can hurdle this and rise to be the father he will need. I am fearful that this will swallow me and I will not come out the other side in any similar fashion to my former being.

Sean

[Luvinmike]

Dear Sean;
I could not believe how well said the last half of your post seems to me. All of your writing is very articulate and well written.

I am going to encourage you to keep yourself healthy and eventually that exercise may become more of a release for you as it has for me. I had to go to the track alone and at weird hours because I could not be near others- I would sometimes just cry out, "Mike, come back..." or other personal tears and thoughts. I also had trouble with this at work. I will say I miss my husband just as much, but I am more able to mange myself and I do feel a lot better and more hopeful- now at 1.5 years. The constant visions of our loved ones on the last day or days, moments; eventually recede, but that was so hard for me.
I agree with you that this is your time to be broken, and I also learned from my experience that you will not be the same- but I do want you to know that you keep putting one foot in front of the other and you will be sane and okay. You will be a great Dad and you will gradually manage this unimaginable shock and pain. It defies description and catches us off guard in its intensity. I am sending you a hug ((((Scott)))) and the message that we are here to listen, keep writing and talking to others. I hope you have a moment of peace today, Terri

[Luvinmike]

I am so sorry- (((((Sean))))))!!!! See I guess I am not fully thinking clearly all the time now- definitely not on the weekend. Sorry about that typo.
Hope you are okay today.

[tsurandy]

Sean- I am so sorry for the tragedy you have experienced.  Your story brought tears to my eyes, my best wishes to you and your son. We are here to listen.  I lost my mother a little over a year ago...all I can say is take it one day at a time, just keep putting one foot in front of the other!  You and your son are in my thoughts and prayers.