Our life ended on July 4th 2009.

[Lisasean2001]

My wife was killed in an accident on July 4th 2009. My life has come to a screeching halt, yet has been pushed into overdrive all at the same time. We have a 5 year old boy that started school this year and she missed his very first day of school. He was so happy and so proud of himself it broke my heart and I couldn't help but break down as he left my arms. Why was she meant to miss this? What did she do to deserve this? What did we do to deserve this?

I also had my first big event on September 1st as that was our 8th anniversary. She was the first person that I ever truly loved. I waited 27 years to meet her and had only 12 short years with her. I feel cheated and I feel let down. She was the most giving person I have ever met and I miss her every day.

For 14 years she worked with mentally disabled elderly people. These were "her guys". People that had been through the old system where they were beaten and abused on a daily basis. She loved these guys and put her heart and soul into her work. Why would someone who helps others as she did be taken so early in life? She was 38 and now she won't be able to see her son graduate or take pictures of him going to the prom or help him with homework or any of the many things that a mother looks forward to with their children. She raised our son by staying at home since he was born. She was looking forward to going back to work next year when he started 1st grade and would be in school all day versus half day.

My life has ended. Everyone keeps telling me that time will heal my heart and that I will love again. Maybe they are right, maybe they aren't. All I know is that I did not fall in love until I was 27 years old and I do not see it happening for me again. She was a very special person. She was my everything.

I have all of the regrets that come along with not being able to say goodbye along with other thoughts that haunt my mind about the accident. Did she suffer? Did she die all alone in the car out there on the road? Was anyone there to hold her hand and ease her pain? I did not get to say goodbye. I did not get to say I love you one last time. I did not get to kiss her goodbye. I did not get to hug her one last time and neither did her son. I am haunted by these thoughts everyday and I can not keep them from my mind. The happy thoughts do not bring comfort only pain and the thought of how those times have ended and will never be again.

I miss my wife. I miss my life. I went to her grave today to tell her about our son's first week in school and how much he loves it and all of the new friends he is making. Yet in all of that the one thought that kept coming to my mind is that there is no way a mother should have to hear about her son's school at her grave. I know that I am not the first person to experience this nor am I the only person in the world to have to raise his 5 year old by himself, but I will be damned if this is not the loneliest experience I have ever had in my entire life.

I took my son to his first day at school and there were couples everywhere taking pictures and asking people to take pictures of them with their children. I felt so alone, an outcast so to speak. It felt alien to me and it hurt so bad to think about all of the times to come and all of the firsts yet to come that she will not be a part of. She was my best friend and my confidant. She called me every day to make sure I made it to work safely and I miss those calls. I miss her lying next to me in bed and have been unable to sleep more than a few hours a night since this all happened.

I am broken.

Sean

[SoCal2010]

Hi Sean, I'm so sorry for your loss. It always seems as if the best people on the planet are taken too soon. I don't understand it and I don't begin to even try to understand how unfair life is. I hope you find strength in your beautiful son and I hope you're able to see her in his eyes. I'm so sorry you are going through this pain. (((hugs)))

[mousewife]

Sean,

I am so sorry that your wife is gone so soon.  I know how badly your heart is breaking.  I know how tormenting the pain and the questions are.  I sitll ask them myself at times.

There are things that can't be answered.  It is very hard for most of us to accept things we can't understand.  It isn't something that was deserved.  It is a horrible thing that happened and changed your life and your son's life forever.  I'm so sorry for that.  I know it's not what you want.

You reminded me of my husband and me.  He was 27 when we met too, and we always called each other at work or at home too.  It is hard not to receive or make those calls any more.  I also have done the type of work you wife did, when I first started working, so I know that she was a very special person to have done it for 14 years, and I know she made a great difference to their lives.  I'm sure she impacted your son's life forever in the short time she had with him.

If it helps you any, concerning your feeling badly because you didn't get one more goodbye, even if you had been able to say goodbye, you would always want one more.  I know I do, and I got the chance to say goodbye.

The profound lonliness and heartache does lessen over time for almost all people, but your life has changed and the loss will always be.  That doesn't mean you can't still find a happy and meaningful life, but you won't forget your wife and what you had with her.  This is the hadest and most painful thing you will probably ever have to go though.  I hope you will begin to find some comfort and healing as soon as possible.  So sorry.

Peace and Healing,
mousewife

[carrieset]

Sean:  I am so saddened to hear about your beautiful wife.  My heart hurts for you and your son.

I am glad that you are here to tell us your story, but it is not a place any of us ever wanted to come too. 

And yes, it seems so many good people are taken way too young.  I hope we get to find out why some day.

As mousewife said, this is the most awful thing to have to go through.  It rips your heart out.  The pain is horrible.  I am almost at 9 months since Laurence died of brain cancer and I know I will never be the same.

No matter whether our loved one is taken from us suddenly or over a long term illness, we are never prepared. 

After 9 months the pain is less raw.........but it still hurts.  I know I am forever changed and live much differently than I did before.  Moment by moment.

I have had the most incredible help here from the very beginning.  I am so thankful to my friends here that understand, where others in my life, family and friends who have not experienced this kind of loss do not understand.  It's like they want me to just forget about the fact that he ever existed. 

I am praying for you and your son as I do for all others here on this forum.

Keep coming back.  Everyone listens and understands.

Love,

Carrie

[Luvinmike]

Dear Sean;
I am so so sorry. Just plain sorry for all that you have lost during this darkest of times. I am sixteen months beyond the sudden death of my too young husband (44)- I can tell you I am still here, and crawling forward- we have three kids. I cried reading your post- just sobbed at your articulate description of how this feels- especially the feeling of being an outcast on the first special day of school. I sent our oldest to the Prom 11 days after my husband left us and we skipped graduation. I will go thru it with our son this year. It does hurt.
I will tell you that the shock and confusion are long enduring, and you will be able to think more clearly and feel less anxious down the road- small comfort, I know.
The unanswerable questions still plague all of us I guess, walking and looking into the sky, reading, friends, solitude, nature.... whatever can bring a moment of peace.
Deep breaths and baby steps.
Tell us more about your sweet wife as you are able or want to, or read and post however you want to, we are glad you found us. Just sorry that you needed to.
Terri

[laurenE]

Sean,

I too am so very sorry for your pain, as well as your 5 y/o son.   There are deaths that seem so senseless, and this is yet another.  We always ask why.  It is natural and normal.  But sometimes we wont know the answers for yrs to come.  Sometimes not at all,  or maybe for those of us who believe,  the answer will be revealed when we get to heaven.  

My father died when I was 12.  My sister was 3.   I watched her grieve the loss of her daddy at such a young age but children dont grieve the same way we do.  We tend to assume their pain is the same as ours  or their loss is the same loss we experience,  but its not.    I work with grieving children.  They are pretty resilient critters.  They find friends and playmates and move forward much faster in their loss than us adults who are set in our ways.  

 The innocence of a child is a good thing,  it helps them heal,  it keeps them moving.   The hard part is for you who will somehow have to find a way to keep moving while trying to raise a 5 y/o.  

I highly encourage you to find support... a group of widows,  a good friend to take your son once in awhile so that you can have some time to yourself while you learn to put one foot forward.   Grief is exhausting so eat healthy,  take naps and attempt to make contact socially with others.   You need to take care of yourself in order to be able to take good care of him.  

Write letters to your wife about how you feel, miss her,  what you didnt get to say what your son is doing,  how your day is going, etc etc.   Put them in a special place,  and then maybe someday give them to your son on his wedding day as a gift of what love his parents had for each other.   Sometimes we write best in our deepest pain.   Phil Collins, the song writer even does  that--- his most successful albums were during his pain of loss and divorce.

Coming here will help you not feel so alone.   I hope you find comfort here as well as in real life friends.

lauren

[georgiapeaches]

Hi Sean
I am so sorry for the loss of your beautiful wife. I am so sorry that you and your son have to have so much pain. I see the pain in my childrens eyes and they are teenagers. I agree with Lauren, do find support for you and your son it will help so much. Eat well and drink plently, try to get alot of excersize even if you have to force yourself and get plenty of rest. And most of all cry all you need to, it helps so much. Keeping you in my prayers.

Georgia.

[pepper309]

Sean,
When my uncle's wife passed away we all thought that he would never end up with anyone else.  My aunt said that they were soul mates and that they would always be together- in life and in death.  It has been two years and now my uncle has found someone new.  He is very happy and we are happy for him because he was so depressed and lonely for the longest time.  I realize that this event is so very recent and fresh for you and it is of course much too difficult to think about such matters.  I do want to tell you though that you never know what life has in store for you.   I'm sure that your wife wants the best for you and your son.  I hope that someday you will be able to find someone that makes you as happy as your wife made you. 

[tsurandy]

Sean, I am so very sorry for the pain you and your son are enduring.  Take care of yourself, we are here to listen.  We all care!

[Lisasean2001]

Thank you all for your kind words and thoughts. It helps to know that there are people out there willing to listen. I too am sorry that all of you have found this place. I know how I came across it and assume that the reason for all of you is familiar if not similar.

I am living a movie plot line. We were over at my parents house for the 4th of July and my wife wanted to go out for a cup of coffee. There are these chain stores called Wawa where we live and she was addicted to their coffee. Anyway, she left at around 5 PM and never came back. I had my folks watch our son while I called the area hospitals and drove to all of the nearby Wawa convenience stores to see if I could find her. I obviously did not find her and it was around 10:30 when I called my folks and asked them if she had called or if they had heard anything. They told me to drive home, the police were on their way over to tell me what happened.

That night plays out in my mind every day. The not knowing, the frantic calling to her cell with no answer. I drive by the place where I pulled over so my mother could tell me that my father and the police were on their way to my home, not because I want to but because it is on a road that I must use often. I also drive by the accident scene as that is also on a road that I use to get to my parents house.

I can't seem to stop the most horrible moments of the last two months from rampaging through my mind. It is not that I want to think of them, it feels more like I have no control over them. Perhaps if I think about them enough it will lessen the impact of the blow that they wield.

There are songs that I listen to that make me think of her and will always make me think of the day that I stood at the head of a visitation line that lasted for more than 4 hours. She was beloved by many and a lot of the people that visited were also there for her father who stood by my side the entire time, god bless him. He is a strong man. This is the second and last time he has had to bury a daughter. He lost both of his children, two daughters, during his life and I have no earthly idea how this man still wakes and gets out of bed in the morning. I have the hardest time doing that myself. I am grateful to him for many things as he has been a great support throughout this ordeal.

My wife used to say that you should never end a conversation on a bad note as you never know if you will ever see that person again. I find it painfully ironic that her own words waxed prophetic in her own life. She lived and loved like no other person I have ever known. Perhaps it is due to the life she lived and the people that she surrounded herself with. She knew what this felt like. She lost her sister at a young age and lost her best friend of 20+ years exactly 2 years 1 month and 1 day before she was taken from us. She lived because she knew there was an end and knew that it could happen at anytime. That is what drew me to her and that is what made her the beautiful woman she was. I miss her so much and I am but an empty shell of a man without her by my side. A lot of people say that their significant other has made them who they are and I am sure that they all mean it, but I am living proof of what the right person can do to a man. All of my friends have said that after I got married to Lisa that I had changed, that I was different and that I had gotten better. These were my friends, not her friends. People I knew for more than 15 years telling me that they liked me better now than before I met my wife. I can only think that I must have been one serious jerk or something, but I thank her for making that change in me happen. I guess you can look at it as there are two people on this planet that she left her mark on, me and our son. I only hope that I can live as the person she would want me to be for my sake, as well as, our son's.

Thank you all again for listening. I tend to get wordy, obviously, and I am glad that I have found a place to vent what has been capped in my head for the last couple of months. I have also been looking at therapy for myself and our son. I want to have him checked by a professional just to make sure he is adjusting and not repressing anything.

[carrieset]

Sean:

I am just teary-eyed as I read about your wife, you and your son.  Your father-in-law's loss of both of his daughters just breaks my heart.  What a terrible loss for all of you.

When I am so saddened and distraught over the death of my beloved Laurence last Christmas, I often think of his mom (who is only 75 and lost her 2 oldest children due to ugly cancer -- my Laurence and his sister when she was 45).

I don't even know how she faces each day.  I have a terrible time after almost 9 months dealing with his loss.

It hurts every time someone new comes on here.  A place none of us wanted to be, but we are here by no choice of our own.  Keep coming back to cry, rant, rave, express anything.  My lifelife has been my cyber friends here.  No one else really gets it (not in my circle anyway).

Big hugs to you Sean and your son,

Carrie

[Lins]

I am sorry. There are no words that I can say to take the pain away. I know what you mean by your life ending. My dad passed away last Thanksgiving, unexpectedly. He had a massive heart attack, I found him and I know what you mean when you said the images play over and over again. He was my backbone, always on my side no matter what I had done, pushing me to do better. I'm only 23 but have two small children that depend on me for their strength and I know how hard it is to find somedays. I know what its like to feel broken, empty, lost, alone and angry. I am truly sorry for your lose. MAY WE ALL FIND BETTER DAYS!

[browneyedgirl]

Dear Sean  ~ I am so sorry for the loss of your wife. 

I am keeping you and your son in my thoughts and prayers.

[laurenE]

Sean,

I can remember my early days of grief when the words "your mother is dead" would pass through my mind constantly-literally.  Even in my sleep when I would roll over or wake up enough to grab a cover,  those same words would immediately echo in my mind.   It was as if the words were just sitting there waiting for me to be awake so that it could pass.  It was all I could think about, even when I was seemingly doing something enjoyable.   I never thought it wuold stop.  But thankfully it did.     And it will for you. 

It sounds like you are experiencing Post traumatic stress.  You didnt witness the accident but you did live the trauma of not being able to locate her, of going out and searching to no avail,  and then  of hearing those dreadful words.. "shes gone".    Believe it or not,  the impact of that day and the days of the funeral will lesson as time goes on.   You will always remember,  but not with as much intensity as before.  Talking about it will help lesson the intensity of what you carry in your mind.  Writing about it will too (and you write quite well, by the way).  Allow yourself to cry.  Every tear you shed is healing, both physically and emotionally.
And by allowing your son to see you shed a few of those tears (save the real  heavy crying for a more private time if you can) will also teach him that crying is ok and that you are a safe person for him to cry to as well.

I'm glad you came back.   Please continue to write.  I'm glad you found us.
lauren

[georgiapeaches]

Hi Sean,
Your story brought tears to my eyes, so sorry again for your pain. I just got off the phone with a social worker, just trying to find someone for my son , trying to find the right person, my son has so much anger still. Grief really takes a hold on you. I am glad that you were able to tell your story, it helps when you get it out, I come here alot just to write sometimes and vent. Sometimes I just ramble on and on and everyone here, there so wonderful , they understand.

Your wife, she sounds like she was a wonderful woman, an amazing mom who is so love by you and your son. My heart goes out to her dad, what a strong stron man to have to go through something like that. My heart goes out to all of you, I am always lighting a candle for everyone on this site but for you and your family tonight Sean my heart really breaks, so sad, I pray for you to have peace and comfort, you and your son and family.

georgia.