Miscellaneous...

[SoCal2010]

This thread could be for little things that come up that might not require a whole new thread, but that don't fit into any other topics.

It could be for off-topic issues as well.

[SoCal2010]

I'm curious if I was out of line about something....my brother came over unannounced. It annoyed me because I just don't think anyone should stop by unless they call first. I never just randomly go to someone's home unless I'm invited.

Of course he picks a day when I had laundry everywhere and was folding stuff, so the place was a mess. I was rude to him without actually meaning to be, but I just really didn't want to see anyone that day. It was the first time I saw my Mom's death certificate, plus I was up all night before because my stepdad fell. I also was feeling overwhelmed about what I should do with all my stuff, etc. It was just not a good day.

Bottom line, was I being unreasonable to get mad at him for coming over without calling? He hadn't called in 3 weeks then all the sudden shows up because he was in the area.

[sevenofwands]

Hello SoCal:

Well, my brother does it all the time! (L).  And he can hapen to call on any day, any old time.
He lives about 120 miles from here, so does not appear that often.

Now, other people (not brothers) would generally call first, mainly to make sure I am in, and there are some people I would prefer to phone first, and others it doesn't matter.  They take me as they find me.  . 
But a brother would normally (well IMO) not need to do that.  Also, men in general tend to be more offhand about such things, I suppose.

It may be different, of course, in your case.

I hope that his visit was in some way supportive to you, and that he understood that you were rather overwhelmed.

Best wishes
Seven

[SoCal2010]

Wow, your brother lives that far away and doesn't call! I guess men look at things different.

He stopped by because he was in the area. He only lives 10 minutes from here anyway.  It was uncomfortable and then it lead to other comments relating to my Mom. I do have resentment towards him for not doing more for my Mom. He normally saw my Mom maybe 2 or 3 times a year, even though he lived that close. She REALLY loved when he visited so I just wish he would have done it more often. But like my sister, they are busy busy busy with work. I know I have to let that resentment go, but it's how I honestly feel so when he caught me off guard little bits of it came out. Normally I'm in more control of what I say because I have time to plan ahead. I try not to cause drama so I bite my tongue a lot when I'm prepared. But when I'm caught off guard, not so much! If he could have called even 5 minutes before, at least I could have known. I actually never go to anyone's house, even family, unless they know I'm coming.

After he left, I did call him within a few minutes because the one thing my Mom always taught me was to never go to bed angry, something can happen to either one of you and you never want a fight to be the last conversation you have with someone. I have met so many people who fought with someone and then they died. It's a really tough burden to carry. So I called him, we both said sorry and "I love you" and we moved on from it I guess.

I just feel that right now I'm in a certain frame of mind where I don't need any more unexpected things happening, even small things like people visiting. I feel like being alone, so when I am going to see someone, I need time to mentally prepare. Otherwise, I might let out all the resentment I feel, and that would not be positive for anyone.

Anyway, I feel kind of bad about how I acted but I tell myself, I'm human just like everyone else.

[sevenofwands]

Heh heh, SoCal. 
I think men do see things differently.  I have only one brother, and he is enormously supportive, and I know I could depend on him for anything should the need arise.  But no, we do not communicate that often.  He phoned me last night from somewhere where he was on holidays. 
And yes, he is a very busy man, and since his wife died, well life cannot have been easy, with three teenage children, one entering college at that time.  Also I was abroad, so over the years we have not seen that much of each other, but the "lifeline" is there nonetheless.  And sure, at times, he exasperates me LOL. 
You are only human, SoCal, like the rest of us, and you are going through grief and it is a sensitive time.

I do understand that there are times when one would prefer not to be caught on the hop, as in when one has a facial mask on, for example.  And yes, it has happened to me, and no doubt frightened the wits out of the person I opened the door to.
I too tend to phone people to let them know I am going to call by, mostly because nowadays in these busy times people never seem to be in their homes!

Best wishes
Seven

[teppuM999]

this is a good idea, socal
misc. thread

i think guys do think about things differently. =p i used to ask matthew to call and let me know if he was stopping by, or if we had plans, let me know when he was coming
he never would =p EVER.
haha
it used to frustrate me because i'd be walking out of the shower and hear someone coming into my apt.
used to freak me out! but it would just be him

i doubt your brother meant anything by it. and you know, he probably regrets not seeing his mom more, too; esp. now.

your mom's advice was good -- that's kinda how matthew was, too. he never let anything lapse over a day. if we had a disagreement, it was resolved asap. good way to live.

[SoCal2010]

My brother said he doesn't feel any guilt at all. My siblings are very self-oriented people. They get that from my Dad who felt that once a person "grows up" they detach from their original family and create their own. My Mom and Dad were so different. My Dad never saw his family, my Mom adored hers. So I guess my siblings and I are different in that way too because I believe you should still honor and cherish your parents even if you're a grown adult. My siblings only really care about their own families.

Anyway..........another miscellaneous: I walked out of the grief share group tonight. They kept talking about praying and the bible and all that, and I was sitting there thinking, I want to talk about my Mom and losing her, not the bible. So I just decided to leave because I could feel my emotions coming to the surface. I got to my car and starting crying really loud. I remembered that for the past couple days, I didn't take my normal drive where I cry and talk to my Mom. So maybe the emotion was building up.

I want to find another grief group but one that isn't based on religion. I need to talk about my Mom more than God. I can talk about God later. I wish there were grief groups that weren't based on religion. All the groups in this area are church-based.

[sevenofwands]

I so so sympathise with you, SoCal, in what you say about the orientation of the grief group.  Of course you want to talk about your Mom, and how she is gone, and losing her, and how you feel yourself.  (I can never understand why religion has to be dragged into everything).  And the lack of respect for people in a grief group who just may not be religious.  I am so sorry, SoCal.  That was hard on you.

There are grief groups not based on any religion or belief system, and I do hope you can find one, even if it is out of your area.   Do you think Social Services in your area or some department like that might be able to give you information?

All the best
Seven

[cokieslittlegirl]

Kinda like funerals I've been to where the priest spends the whole time reading scripture and little is said about the person who died...I never got that. Actually I view it as an insult to the person who lived.

After my Dad's memorial, we had many people who came to us or wrote us and said that Dad's was the most spiritual  they had ever experienced. And we're all atheists! Ha...go figure.

[sevenofwands]

I am with you all the way Cokie, in what you say.. 

When my father died, and my mother, a Catholic funeral was held, but at least the talk was about their life, and they were mentioned as if they were present, and so were those of us left behind. 

Seven

[teppuM999]

in agreement with you guys on grief groups and funerals...

we had a memorial service for matthew down by the bridge where he drowned. there were glow bracelets, bellydancers and balloon rockets, all things he loved, his brother had a life-sized standee made from a picture of him, people spoke about him and how he affected them, there was singing, his brother played "shout it outloud" by kiss on his guitar -- last song they performed together.
THAT was the real service for matthew, i think. that was where i felt like he was standing on top of the bridge pylons, looking down and watching. bats were flying around the bridge, and he loved bats. we were going to build a bat house for the garden.
so many people from all different paths of life -- ppl with office jobs, ppl with no jobs, people of all sorts of races and ages, matthew affected so many people in such a positive way.

another funeral was held in his hometown, paid for by his grandfather, mostly for the older set of relatives who believed in a church funeral. matthew wasn't "religious" but he was spiritual. there was alot of scripture reading, BUT we all did get up and talk about him and his life, so it wasnt so bad

i have yet to go to a grief group BECAUSE they tend to focus so mcuh on religion and that's not what i want/need to talk abou. and they'll say "well god has aplan for your life," or "god must've needed him," neither of hwich really help right now. god could make anything he wanted, he didn't "need" to take matthew away from me.  i feel like church is the place for talking about religion, a grief group should be about GRIEF.

[sevenofwands]

Totally agree, Teppu.


""i feel like church is the place for talking about religion, a grief group should be about GRIEF""

Seven

[sevenofwands]

There seems to be something called:
grief.meetup.com
with groups nationwide

Don't know of course what their approach is, and if they are secular groups.

Seven

[teppuM999]

meetup.com is a site where you an organize various meetup groups for a variety of purposes. there are vegetarian ones, bellydance ones, grief ones apparently, ones for writers, artists, etc. meetup is pretty cool.

i can be very cynical towards churches because of my experiences with them in my past. sometiems i feel like a grief group would be a pretty ripe place to gather new believers -- when you're at your lowest point, suck you in with some version of hope, or the idea that God is your only way to communicate with your loved one
i mean no offense to ppl here who are christian -- this is just coming from a person who once visited a church where CREDIT CARDS were accepted for offering, and the pastor drove a Hummer, while old ladies battled the snow to get there on the bus.

then sometimes i think maybe that's honestly all they're trying to do -- offer you hope that they feel is real. hope that has gotten THEM through trying times in their lives.. sometimes they might be overly enthusiastic and push the real issue aside, i.e. the grief, in order to push their message

you should always feel comfortable leaving a group , no matter what the focus of the group is, to find one that you fit into better.

[sevenofwands]

I understand your indignation, Teppu.  I also have experienced the type of thing you describe.  All in all, those sort of "churches" are not Christian, in any sense of that word.  A real Christian has a grasp of the concept of kindness to others, of empathy, and also, of the "rich man and eye of the needle" concept, it must be said.

Certainly, a grief group is no place for prosletysing, when people attending are at their lowest ebb, and unable to think clearly.

Seven