Feeling so numb

[Gail08]

It has been 10 months and I am still so very numb.  I have been told that the numbness does go away.  Is there anyone out there who can verify that?  I still can't get out of my head how my sister looked and how sick she was during her last days.  It hurts so much to know that there was nothing I could do to make her better.  Even though I was by her side day and night the last week of her life there was NOTHING I could do.  And even though I was right beside her I didn't get to say good-bye because she didn't know I was there.  She didn't know what was going on around her and then the last 6 hours she was in a coma-like state.  I just miss her SO MUCH.  I have never known pain like this.

[laurenE]

Grief is the worst pain, I know.   Yes the shock does go away but right now you are in  the worst times of grief which is something like months 3-12. Not that grief is over completely by then but those first several months are just plain life changing hard.   
   If you handed me a million dollars and asked me to go through the first 2 yrs of grief again I would say no way. 

Im so sorry it is so hard for you too.  I wouldnt wish it on anyone.   

keep writing,
lauren

[pepper309]

Gail,
Everyone has their own time frame for grief.  I'm sure that it will ebb and flow and there will be times that you will be overwhelmingly sad and times you can be happy too.  I wish that I could say something to make you feel better.  It is one of those things where you feel so helpless.  You keep running through things thinking to yourself, "Was there something that I could have done differently?"  The truth is that we all try to do the best that we can in any given situation.  The best that you could do was to be by your sister's side and you accomplished that.  I bet that she could feel your presence even though she couldn't acknowledge it.  Maybe you could write her a letter and let her know everything that you never got a chance to tell her.  Then bury it, burn it, or do whatever you makes you feel better to it to give yourself a small piece of closure.  I wish you peace and happiness wherever you can find it.

[Gail08]

Re: Pepper309's suggestion,
Thanks for the suggestion.  I have witten a letter saying the things I would have said to her.  I have read that sometime it is good to have someone you trust stand in for the loved one that you lost and tell them what you would have told your loved one.  So, I am thinking about reading the letter to my cousin who I have been talking to and who has been giving me so much support.  Is there anyone out there who has done anything like this?  If so, how did it go?

[ScottW]

I completely understand your feelings of numbness.  It's been about 10 months for me too and I guess now there is more numbness than pain but the pain still comes. I just can't come to terms with the fact that my son will never know my sister.  (I am very very close to my sister's children - 8 and 10; and I just always assumed that my children would have the 'same relationship).

We just found out that my wife is pregnant.  We've been trying for almost a year so this should be such a 'happy moment'.  It's such a confusing time.  I am thrilled but find it so hard to 'feel'.  I've also been overwhelmed by a sense of guilt when I do feel some happiness.  I know that my sister would want me to be happy . . . I just wish there was a way to feel better.

I just wish I had her back.

[dc264]

It has been 10 months and I am still so very numb.  I have been told that the numbness does go away.  Is there anyone out there who can verify that?  I still can't get out of my head how my sister looked and how sick she was during her last days.  It hurts so much to know that there was nothing I could do to make her better.  Even though I was by her side day and night the last week of her life there was NOTHING I could do.  And even though I was right beside her I didn't get to say good-bye because she didn't know I was there.  She didn't know what was going on around her and then the last 6 hours she was in a coma-like state.  I just miss her SO MUCH.  I have never known pain like this.

I am so sorry for your loss, I lost my oldest brother on 10-26-08.  It still don't seem real.  We have had so many tragidies that I haven't had time to process them all so I am hoping to find some comfort on the website and
from those of you that know how I feel and can maybe give me some advice on how to get through this.
dc264
This is my first time to be on the site so I'm not even sure how to use it.