Question about belongings

[SoCal2010]

My Mom really wanted me to be the one who goes through all her stuff. She was very private.

Lately, I have weird thoughts that I could die any minute. I have heart palpitations and so on. I know I need to see a doctor, but even if I do and everything looks fine, I could still drop dead. It happens all the time without warning.

So my question is....I'm feeling kind of anxious because I almost feel like I should be going through her stuff now just in case something happens to me. But I'm so afraid I might give away something that I end up regretting. It's only been 5 weeks. I know that normally you are supposed to wait a year before you do anything.

I don't know what to do. I want to take care of stuff for my Mom's sake like she wanted me to. But I don't want to rush into either. If I knew I would still be around in a year, I would wait.

Opinions?

[littleha]

SoCal I have had heart palpitations at regular times in these past few months. I have become very good friends with my family doctor in these past few months and this according to him is very normal. Since my MIL lives with me it is difficult to give things from Cathy away without having to worry if I have done the wrong thing, What I have done is put Cathy's clothes and other stuff that I feel I have to clean in large plastic bags and put them in the garage for a few weeks and at the same time tell MIL that I have cleaned out some stuff. If she says nothing or complain that items are missing then I assume all is ok for me to give it all to the Sally Ann. It is very hard to do but something in my opinion that has to be done at some point be it sooner or later. I hope some of this has been able to help you along. To me there are no wrong things to do. allan

[Carlina]

First you need to see a doctor as soon as possible. Many time heart palpitations are the result of stress and anxiety. You have been and still are under stress. If there is a problem the doctor will be able to help. Not doing anything will add to the stress and anxiety that you are having. I have been on many rescue runs in which heart palpiations were due to stress . I strongly urge you to go to a doctor to be examined.
Secondly your mother's things can be taken care a little bit at a time. Personal papers, photographs, etc  might be the first things that you want to take care of. Then go through the rest of your Mother's things when you feel up to it. There is no time table to take care of your loved one's things. My husband has been gone for a little over a year and I am still going through things that were his. Some things are in the garage and barns of our farm. Take each day and do what you can, make a list of what you would like to go through and try not to do it everyday. Give yourself time to grieve and remember as you go through your mother's things.
I hope this helps.  Lots of (((((Hugs))))))

[SoCal2010]

Thank you both

I should see a doctor but I have so little faith in them right now. I should force myself I guess.

I don't know what happened but the past couple days I started feeling that I should be getting more done and making sure I take care of things for my Mom. I don't want to let her down and have something happen to me, then have all the relatives would show up and go looking through all her things, picking what they want and so on, like it's a Macy's sale. That's what she didn't want.

Plus then I think about MY stuff too. Since I'm not married my Mom was always the person I would have left everything too. Now I feel that I have all this stuff, some hers and some mine, and no clue how to go about organizing it or giving it away.

I don't know why I feel anxious about this. I feel like I need to get it done to make sure I'm the one doing it. I wouldn't even know where to start.

[Carlina]

  Another suggestion would be for your things is to pick a respresentative that you trust like a  niece or friend if you don't have children.  You could also have a lawyer place things into a trust. Make a list of where you would like your belongings to go to. Jewerly to a friend etc. You could also have the lawyer give it to the charity of your choice like household items to Habitit for Humanity etc.
  I gave Mark's clothes to a men's homeless shelter after my sons took what they wanted. He was always doing little things like that for others so it helped me to give away those things that the family didn't want. I also keep things like his pocket knives for the grandchildren as they are older.
  Another idea is to think what would your mother want done with her belongings. Is there a charity that she gave to? Maybe think about what she would have like you to do with her things will help you through the process.
  The best place to start is with the legal and personal papers. Those are the things that you will need right away. If your mother didn't have a file cabinet organize them in a hanging file box you can get from a office supply place. Do this first as it will help when you need the information during the next year and this will also ease your stress if you know where the information is. Place important papers like home paperwork, stocks and birth and marriage certificates in a fire proof box or safe deposit box. Anything that is over seven years old shred as well as all credit cards and unused checks.
  I know that it seems like such a big job but breaking into pieces will make it a little easier.  Don't forget to do this a little at a time and take frequent breaks. I hope that you will find these things useful as I have been there.

((((hugs)))) Carlina

[sevenofwands]

Hello SoCal:

I can only echo totally and absolutely everything Carlina has said.  That is just the same advice as I would give you.   Make haste slowly.
I would agree that having a lawyer is a very good idea.

Also, I agree that it is so important to look after your health.  The anxiety and stress you are feeling are part and parcel of grieving.  You are probably not feeling too energetic now, and if the mind is tired it is hard to discuss things and set one's ideas in order.  Do try to see the doctor.

Best wishes
Seven

[teppuM999]

sometimes its hard to make goals and think straight about "what has to be done" esp. when you really don't want to. sometimes it's like doing that means that this is all "real" -- when people were taking matthew's things, i was getting angry about it because i was thinking ni my head "he'll be back, what are you doing?!"

carlina's reply is very good. start with the legal bits first.

and if you go to see about the palpitations, then the doctors might find the cause.
i've been having them, too, especially today. like my heart was kind of fluttering around or someone was punching it. then i fell asleep. gotta find out about university insurance.

[patty]

Hi, I felt like you, that I was going to drop.  In fact when my husband was really failing friends thought I was going first.  I was that bad off.
    Afterwards I felt like I sustained brain damage.  At work I had to do things at a snail´s pace, could hardly type, calculate, etc.  It took a while to reconnect and get my brain even slightly back to working relatively efficiently. These things take time, be gentle with yourself.
    Your mother did not set a time limit, am sure she would want you to take care of yourself and then do it when you feel ready.
    I think it would be a good idea to go to a doctor. He will probably give you something to help with panic attacks,  something to  calm your mind and help you to think straight.  And help you sleep too.
    Please take care of yourself first, your mother´s  things aren´t going anywhere.  I think you´d feel better doing it yourself so why not just wait for the right time.  It will roll around.  Regards, Patty
   
   

[SoCal2010]

Thanks for all your thoughts and advice about this. I still haven't started. It seems like when I try to do a little bit, I get sidetracked. I was thinking I should go through my stuff first, since there isn't emotion connected to that.

Today was a hard day because my car was broken into. They stole my GPS system, which was my Mom's Christmas gift to me last year. I started crying really hard because it had sentimental value to it. The only good thing is I have the box it came in so I have the box she touched and wrapped and put under the tree. Just not the actual GPS.

I was telling the police that if the thief would have knocked on my door and said I'm going to take this GPS, I would have told him I'd give him whatever cash he wanted instead, just so I could have my Mom's gift back. I know it's just a material thing but I really felt bad knowing someone took it. I had her address listed in my favorite places with "Mom" typed on it. I used to always set my GPS on that setting so I could see "Mom" on the screen when I was driving. I just feel bad that out of all the things they could have stolen from my car, the one thing I cared about was what they took.

[teppuM999]

sorry your gps was stolen, esp. since it had sentimental value
gps theft is getting out of hand
matthew's friend has his stolen
my brother's car window was knocked out b/c someone THOUGHT they saw one in his car.

sucks

[Jap Jr]

Haven't gone through much of Jim's yet; just can't do it. I did give some of his mother's stuff to one of his daughter's as she kept bugging me; but that was OK, as I never met his Mom and it should have gone to them. I was going to meet her this year.

His deoderant is still sitting on the dresser. Toothbrush in the bathroom. Clothes in the closet and on the dresser. One pair of shoes sitting out. Clothes in the laundry basket. I wear one of his shirts to bed; I always have something on or with me of his, always ..... makes me feel close to him. I miss him soooo much.

It's been 9 months; I will do it when I can in my own time.  I agree with what others have said, there is no time limit on anything; do it when it feels right for you.

Sorry to hear your GPS was stolen. I can feel your pain on how it hurts, with the sentimental value. I gave one of Jim's jackets back to his daughter and now I wish I would have kept it; it was him and "smelled" like Jim. I miss that.

(((hugs)))

Kay

[SoCal2010]

A friend of mine suggested that I call pawn shops to see if maybe the thief sold it. I looked all over and couldn't find it. Seriously I would have given any amount of money for it. I guess I have to accept that it's gone. I just really wish I could have it back. *sigh*

This is just one more example about how parts of her are being taken from me all the time. First came the big shock of her death, then from that moment on little pieces of her are being removed from my life every single day. Her accounts are being closed, her name is being taken off mailing lists, her insurance is being ended, everything about her life is being removed. It's the worst feeling ever.

I think that's why I keep everything the way she had it at home. I see all her notes all over the house. I like seeing her handwriting. I feel like everyone is trying to take her away but at least at home parts of her are still here. That's probably why they idea of going through her belongings feels so overwhelming to me.

[tsurandy]

I have most all of my Mama's stuff, I did get rid of all her medicine and let my sister have her jewelry.  I packed her clothes up.  When I am gone my nephews and nieces will have fun sorting through everything, they all have ideas of what they want that was grandma's.

[SoCal2010]

So last night at the spur of the moment I decided to buy a new GPS, the same exact one as my Mom gave me. I will put in all the same info I had in the "favorite places" and have her address labeled "Mom" just like I had it. She wanted me to have this so I'm not going to let some a**hole thief change that. He can kiss my a** I have her gift back. If it gets stolen again, I'll buy another one. And another. And another. I'm not letting some drugged out loser change my life in any way or take away anything she gave me.

<end vent>

[teppuM999]

try to remember to take it inside at night

when my faceplate in my car got stolen, matthew loaned me his because his car was on the fritz anyway and we happened to have the same after-market CD player. that faceplate practically lived in my purse because i didn't want to lose his, either.

now that i'm driving his car, i make sure the faceplate is tucked away in a safe place