Having trouble moving on with life

[WendyK]

Hello everyone
My name is Wendy and I lost my husband to an anoxic coma after a heart attack just over two years ago.  We moved to Manitoba in 2001 for his new position here.  It was incredibly stressful and he worked too hard.  He didn't take his health into consideration...ever.  It just wasn't his nature.  Mind you, he convinced all that were near him that he was invincible, even me to some extent. He had survived a double bypass 9 years prior to his demise and swore to his death bed that the doctors had made a mistake.  I am also here, I think, because people are tired of hearing my ugly tale and want me to get on with life.  I want to as well but find myself up and down all too often.   I can't seem to focus on my life.  Part of the problem, I think , is because I was the one that found him on the floor and was unable to help him.  I panicked and couldn't perform CPR.  They revived him after 25 minutes and he raised his arm in response but fell into a coma for 2 weeks.  This was terrible hard on my girls so I have dealt with many behavioral issues from them as well as the stupid things I have pulled in my own life the past two years.  I sometimes wonder what happened to the me that used to be.  My hubby was only 51 years of age.  I am only 49 so I know I have years ahead of me if I can just find myself again.  Getting life started again seems so foreign.  Dating seems like such a farce...such a game.  What do I do for a living now?  I have to do something.  My hubby was the one that had the career but he isn't around anymore.  His company has provided me with a monthly pension but it isn't going to cut it for too long before things catch up to me.  I have made some really bad choices in the last two years and I really need to get my life together.  I would really appreciate any insight anyone might have and I can't thank you enough for at least having this avenue for me to ventilate.   It is a very good idea.
All the best for the season everyone.  Though it is a very tough time of year for you all. no doubt.
Wendy

[Lonnie]

Wendy: I am so sorry that you lost your husband so tragically and so young. Anyone would panic in a situation like that. Most people couldn't even breathe much less do anything else. Please don't feel guilty. My dad died a little over a year ago after complications from a triple bypass, and when the paramedics came to get him at the house the last time he was ever home, I sure panicked. He had fallen out on the floor from what turned out to be the lowest potassium the doctor had ever seen, as a result of probably a combination of meds given post op. At any rate, seeing him there on the floor unable to get up just tore my heart out. Little did I know as they took him out the door that he would never come home again. After several painful, horrific weeks in the hospital with one complication after another, he died. And he wasn't ever sick before he needed the surgery. He was my mom's caregiver, and now she is left without him. I am trying to do it all now.
I think what you described about making poor choices in the beginning is so understandable. You've had your whole world turned upside down and I'm sure you were just overwhelmed. My husband is an attorney and I haven't worked at a job that could support me in years. I have things I do, but financially they are not lucrative. And I can surely understand the children acting out also. No one is the same after you lose someone you love. As for myself, I started staying up all night. That seems to be my addiction. I've never gotten my sleep patterns back right after a year and a half. I am embarrassed about it, but feel helpless to change it. Seems like I can only sleep when I'm ready to pass out. We all do strange things, and we all have different ways we cope or "act out".
As far as moving on, I think this place is so good when everyone else has tired of our situation. But the first year, you are really still in complete shock. And there is so much business to handle as well. My mom and I stay busy all the time just taking care of paperwork and name changes, and bills and repairs and you name it. Things we never gave a thought to like getting the gigantic garbage can to the curb and replacing ceiling fans. You know how it goes. It is so totally overwhelming to us. And yet somehow we are making it. But some days are really rough!
Please come and share your feelings any time. It is a good outlet here, and people are very kind as they have lost someone also. Hope to talk again soon-Lonnie

[Johnboy]

Hello wendy

      My name is John and Im 21 years old, I am sorry to here about your loss. Im going to start off by say I dont know what it is like to loose my life partner but I have lost both my parent, it will be a year on saturday.  And there is one thing that I can tell you judge by myself and by my brothers and sisters ad that is that everyone heals at different passes and everyone heals differently, but in the end everyone does heal. By saying that Im trying to say that I feel almost better 5then what I was before  they passed away and at the same time I know that at this point im the only person to feel like that in my family, so dont let it bother yourself when you find that others are able to move on and you cant. When it is your time you'll know it andI know it will come because i have faith in you. My mother and I were closer  then my father and I were, She was my best friend she was a big part of who I am and who I will become, my father had a large impact on me aswell, but i was a moma's boy. My point is that things hard harder for for different people with different things so by people not understanding that for you would be a hard thing to deal with and Im sorry you have to. But you are not alone this site is like an angel and thats how i have come to see it. some many people looking to help many others its amaizing, this site is living proof that you will be ok if not now then in the future.

 I wish you all the best and I will ask my mother and father to help guide you as they guided me through the tuff times of life

My thoughts are with you as we go through this beautiful time of the year.

Your friend Johnboy



PS Lonnie has had an effect on me getting better as wel so you have another angel at the tip of your hands

[Pranallo]

Wendy,
My name is Pam and
I am so very sorry that you, too, have come to be a member of this elite club that you entered without  a choice.  I do know how you feel and until someone loses their "person" -- their soulmate, their partner -- they cannot understand.  I always thought I did, and when my beloved fiancee Danny passed suddenly and completely without warning this past Easter Sunday, one of the first things I did was to apologize to a friend who had become a recent widow for my arrogance in thinking I "understood" her pain when I told her to keep her chin up and "move on". 
I have had many painful deaths in my life -- grandparents, young uncles, close cousins, friends -- but I have never felt like this.  I, as you must, feel like I have been ripped open and have this open, raw, constantly aching empty wound where my soul and heart were, only no one can see it.  Everyone sees me dressed, in makeup, wearing a fake smile when I must, and they all comment on how "good" I look, and they assume that means I'm doing well.............but they can't see that a part of me was just here and is now gone forever and my "normal" will never be normal again.
I kissed my Danny goodbye on Saturday, talked to him on the phone Saturday night -- and had his family waiting at my dinner table on Easter Sunday, wondering why he was late.  I sent my 16 yr old son down to his house to see what was keeping him since he didn't answer the phone, and my son found my love sitting in his recliner, remote control in his hand, coffee on his end table.  AT 51, my Danny had taken a massive heart attack with no goodbye; no warning.  In fact, he had seen the doctor on Thursday because he felt some chest pain and because a recent stress test showed normal, she disregarded it as "gastric reflux". 
I am 43.  I often think about those who say there is someone out there and God has a plan for you.......but I don't know what you do once you HAVE already found the RIGHT person and you HAD the "just right" relationship for you and then that person is taken from you.
It's a desperate, horrible feeling of hopelessness and it's scary. And I feel for you.  I know the ache and the pain and the lonliness.  It DOES get easy some days......but then there are those days that the grief hits you like a brick or you are in a store or riding in a car and something -- a smell, a sight, a song -- triggers this gutteral longing and pain all over again.
I have found that writing your feelings down helps somewhat.  And I do pray, although sometimes it's ironic because I'm praying to the very God who I sometimes blame for taking him.
But you are not alone in your pain, Wendy.  And for what it's worth, I truly believe with all of my heart that they hear us and ARE with us when we go through this, when we talk to them......but we just can't see them yet.  Ask for signs, though.  You WILL get them.  And  don't give up hope.  Healing will come........I look at it this way.  If a love can be so beautiful and so wonderful and so meaningful here on Earth, then SURELY it must continue and be even more so in the Afterlife.  Otherwise, what purpose would it even have served??  It wouldn't make sense.  So your beloved husband is waiting for you and he knows everything that is going on in your life.  And when it's your time, he'll be waiting for you.  God bless you, Wendy.  You'll be in my prayers for strength.

[Lonnie]

Hi Johnboy: It is so good to hear from you again and to know that you are healing and accomplishing things in your life. What are you doing these days? What are your future plans? I know that your family is so proud of you, and someday you will see them face to face and be able to hug them once again! You are an amazing young man with courage and true grit! I am also so proud of you. Whenever you write to us, I get a warm happy feeling to see your name and to know that you are achieving your goals. I know that you miss your family though, and especially this time of year is so difficult for so many. That was a good note you wrote about people being different in their grief. This is the second year without my dad, and I feel it more this year than the first one because I think we were all still in shock. Let us hear from you from time to time, and share your life with us. You are a blessing to everyone here! Love, Lonnie

[WendyK]

Hello again everyone:
First off, I would like to thank you all for your encouraging words.  It is nice to hear that I am not totally insane, though some days it has felt that way.  It really is a place where people can understand because you have gone through these things.  I feel selfish in many ways for being so preoccupied with my own grief when others have suffered far worse in life.  I am sorry for all of your losses and find you to be so brave.  I can understand Pam, when there are warning signs and you back over it, you feel bad for not pursuing the situation and making them do something, either the doctor or your loved one.  I had the same thing with Rob.  I think it is easy to go back over those things and find fault.  The frustration comes in not being able to do anything about the past. I am so sorry for you to have him taken.  It sounds like you loved him very much. There are always times when loved ones go that we think we could of done something about it. It's ironic they were both 51 years old.
My father commited suicide years ago and I felt so guilty for so long for not recognizing his distress was so deep. 
You are quite young to lose both parents Johnboy, sorry to hear it, you are a very brave yound man the way you are talking.  Your mom and dad would be so very proud of you right now.  Lonnie is right about you and I thank you for your words of wisdom and kindness.
It was helpful of you to share such a similar experience Lonnie.  Sorry you had to go through that too.  It really is such a helpless feeling to see someone you love dying in front of you.  You don't believe it at first.  You think...this isn't really happening.  Then you try and help but nature is much stronger than us.   If I could of stopped this by sheer will, I would have.  I remember talking him back when the paramedics were working on him.  Part of me wishes he hadn't survived that morning for my kids sake, his and mine.  It was much harder on everyone, including him, to have to go through those two weeks of hope.  With my Rob, it would of been his pride and dignity that would of suffered through those 2 weeks and he would not of wanted to be like that.  The only thing it accomplished was the ability to say some goodbyes.  I like to believe he could hear me sometimes.  I  do believe he tried to come back to me but the seizures he was having stopped him.  It broke my heart to see him in that state.  I loved him so very much. He was such a brilliant man both in intelligence and personality.   We had been together for 24 years.  He was my whole life.  I know that is a stupid thing to do these days, but I did it.  I lived for him and his career.  I don't regret the past so much as wish I had made some different decisions with this type of thing in mind. I was so very angry for  so long, wondering why he had been taken. Still am I guess.  Our lives were just coming around to being ours.  He was closing in on retirement and the kids were grown. We took our very first exotic vaction that spring.  It just didn't seem fair.
We had many hard times and many bad times but worked through them because we truly loved each other.  The loneliness is compounded by the fact that I had regular affection and a wonderful fun relationship with the person I had been with for so many years.  It was truly a rare thing these days and my life feels so hollow and empty now.  He was my best friend.  Sometimes I think he is going to come through the door and say "Hi my honey" and I will kiss him passionately again.  I have to start to remember those times and let go of the fact he has been taken... I know that.  I just don't know how long it will be before I stop wanting to have it back and aching because it isn't possible.
Wow, I think this is why it was recommended I see counselling at the beginning..but being pig-headed I thought I could handle it on my own.  I didn't realize how ill equipped I was to handle what was going to come down in the next 2 years and how my reactions were going to be so unpredictable. 
Nice to meet you all and thank you again.

[Geraldine]

Hi Wendy

I can relate to your story for my husband died at the age of 51, it was 2 years ago and if not as sudden as your hubby, it was somehow sudden he was diagnosed with cancer and died 4 months later.

I find that somehow I move on but it comes times when all seem to fall again and in those days I am asking myself what is the point, where I am going, is there a future?, the only thing that keep me on the path is that I know I have had such bad periods before and that somehow I manage to climb again, that it might be the pit when I find myself in those terrible times but that they do not last.

I guess we will never truly be the same but it does become easier, the important thing is to keep in mind when times are difficult that it has happened before and we have come through, that sure it will come again and again but that we do manage to come through.

I know that at times we ask ourselves if we really have progressed and moved forward, as you said people are tired of hearing how we feel and we are tired of feeling so depressed, grief takes time, there is no time frame we all have to go at our own pace, it is OK-to grieve and feel in low spirit, it does not matter it is 2 years or more for the heart does not forget, all we can do is to give ourselves permission to grieve when ever it comes upon us, eventually it will be a little less and we will see a life ahead.

HUGS

[Trisho]

Dear Wendy and Pam -  First, I am so sorry for your losses.  Boy are your stories similar to mine.  I lost my fiancee a year ago on Nov. 14th.  He was only 50 years old.  Tomorrow would be his 52nd birthday.  I did manage to give him a big bash for his 50th birthday which he enjoyed tremendously.  My story similar as he and I had spent the weekend in Las Vegas and returned to Phoenix on Sunday afternoon.  We stopped at McDonalds to grab a quick bite, he came to my house for a little while, and then left so he could go home to do laundry because he was leaving back to Vegas on Thursday.  He loved the World Series of Poker and played in the tournaments.  He had a real passion for it and was a rather lucky gambler even winning $40,000 at one shot.
He lived only blocks from me.  Later that afternoon he called and I went to his house and spent some time with him.  He was awfully bossy that weekend and we kind of chuckled about it.  You see Tom and I had a great relationship.  We went thru some problems but we always found our way thru them.  We just had the perfect connection.  He was my life.
He was complaining about indigestion from the McDonalds which was not unusual.  About 7pm that evening I left to come home.  I spoke with him at 10pm our evening ritual and he said he was feeling better.  That was Nov. 13th, 2005.  That is the last night I have had good sleep.  On Monday, Nov. 14, I called Tommy at 6 a.m.  another one of our rituals.  He said he was feeling really crummy and that he had awoke at 4am with what he thought was indigestion.  I told him that it did not sound right and that maybe he should go to the doctor.  He said he was going to lay back down because he was tired.  He told me he would call me when he woke up.  I don't know why I didn't jump in my car right then and head to his house.  Maybe if I would have seen how he looked I could have done something to save him.  I didn't though and sometimes that bothers me.
Instead I took my son to school, came home for a few minutes, sent Tom and email and went to his house.  I arrived there at about 8:45 am.  I walked in expecting to see him drinking his coffee on the back patio but he wasn't there.  So I proceeded to the bedroom thinking he would be asleep in bed, but he wasn't there.  So I peaked my head around the corner and there he was lying on the bathroom floor wedged between the wall and the toilet.  I screamed his name, went to look at him and he was purple, blue, etc.  I ran to the phone and called 911 and was frantic on the phone.  They wanted to know if I had performed CPR, but I was afraid to move him and also didn't think I could.  I only weigh about 90 lbs.  I finally told the operator that I was going to try to move him out and I put the phone down, pulled him out and then she told me to check for a pulse.  I did and there was not one.  I was screaming at them to get me help.  It seemed forever before they came.  They couldn't save him.  The horror of that day sticks in my mind.  I try not to think about it but somehow it appears.  As far as moving on with life, gosh, where do you begin.  He was my world.  We spent so much time together, did so many things, and you go from a wonderful loving relationship to nothing.  Emptiness and heartache.  You are right when you say that people don't understand.  My father died at the age of 51.  I'm not sure back then that I realized the impact that this would have on my mom's life.  She was in her 40's as I am now.  Now I get it.  I do believe all grief journeys are different.  I too have lost but have never ever felt this way.  Well Wendy and Pam I guess I have rattled too much.  I had to chuckle when I went to log in here.  I am usually always logged in but my computer was down so had to redo it.  I just realized that the last two letters of my login id are KR.
That was the name of my fiancee's company, KR development.  (Maybe that's a sign).  Thanks for listening and remember Tommy tomorrow (Happy Birthday )
Trisho

[Lta26]

Hi WendyK

My name is Amy.  It will be 2 years that I have lost my husband on January 6th.  He was 39 years old and died from cardiac arrest at work.  We have two boys and like you I wasn't sure what I was going to do to take care of them now that their father was gone.  I've gone back to school.  It's really tuft sometimes but I feel it's the right path. 
I'm having trouble with moving on myself.  My husband was my true love and my best friend.  I had the man I loved and started a family with him.  When we had started dating I remember him asking me what I wanted out of life and I was able to answer him.  I couldn't answer that question anymore.
Just another example that you are not alone.

[WendyK]

Just hearing from all of you how I am not alone in the feelings and pain I have been suffering makes it easier.  Thank you.  This time of year is always hard.  It brings everything back.  It is still so complicated.  I can't help but notice how it is gradually getting a little better.  It is Christmas and I am going to try and make the best of it.  Just wanted everyone to know how much I appreciate the support I have received here and my heart goes out to all of you. 
Wendy