back to the beginning

[littleha]

As was said the world stopped and for me it was May 11 2009. I had mentioned in an earlier post that my life is like a book except the chapter I was in, I did not want to end. The final page of that chapter turned and no one asked me if that was ok. I am now in a new chapter and that one does not include my wife. My life is being written for me and I am not the one in control. That part hurts a lot. The world moves forward without me and I am trying hard to keep up and move forward with it. The friends and promises from them (I'll call you, we'll go out for supper, I'll call you to go see a movie on Saturday, I will phone to just chat, I'll come over next week and I'll call you to come over for supper soon) are soon forgotten. Most of them do not happen . Thank God my neighbour is doing their part. Thank you A and A for being their for me. I just read what I have written and it is so negative on people and that is not the way I am . I do not judge people for I do not walk in their shoes and so I do not know their life. That has always been my philosophy. Allan

[sevenofwands]

Hello Allan:

I am sorry you are going through this so difficult time.  In a sense you are right, life is written for us.  We certainly cannot control events or the future, we can't even see the future (luckily, I think!).  But we can plan, in the present, and that is an entirely different thing.  When all is said and done all one has is oneself, and it is so necessary to be good friends with oneself.

I found this:

“There is no distance on this earth as far away as yesterday.” ~Robert Nathan

Why is it difficult to live in the present?

There are many people that can give you their opinion or their advice on why it is difficult to live in the present. Some will say it is because we live in abstraction, we live in the world of symbols. Some might say it is because we have awareness of the passage of time, or the illusion of time, it produces anxiety because we can look at the past and predict the future. I think all of these answers are partially true. Though the biggest reason we don’t live in the present is because we don’t shut up. That is, we constantly talk to ourselves. As Alan Watts aptly put it, “if we are talking all of the time, we never hear what anyone else has to say. In the same way, if we are talking to ourselves all the time, we are never listening, we have nothing to think about other than thoughts, and are never in relationship with reality”.

[anneshirley]

I often find myself thinking that perhaps this is a very long dream and I'll awake and Miguel will be in the bed with me.  I know it's not a dream but I still find it difficult not to hope.  One book that might help is Joan Didion's "The Year of Magical Thinking" about the loss of her husband.  She wrote that she had difficulty giving away a pair of his shoes as she was worried he might need them when he returned.  I've had similar feelings and from reading posts here, it's pretty much universal, the need to think the person we loved might still return. 

[littleha]

Hi Seven your words are very profound. I have always been a listener and people have commented at times that I am quiet. To me it has always been to listen to what is being said and to reply when I had something constructive to add. Not just to hear myself talk as a lot of people do. It is true that if you talk all the time you never have time to listen to what is being said because your whole purpose is to say what you have to say no matter what. The comments made me reflect for a moment. Thank you

[sevenofwands]

Hello Allan:


Thank you for your response.  However, those words are not mine.

I think perhaps here we mean that non-stop inner dialogue (racing mind) that seems to accompany grief, anxiety and stress.  Not giving oneself time to actually "think".  It is hard to rein in the panicked mind which is bolting at every little chance!  And the "impending doom" syndrome also seems to accompany these severely anxious times, as in: " I know for certain something awful (non-specific) is going to happen".
Evolution has not, yet, prepared our minds and psyches too well for frightening events.  We still bolt in terror (while standing still) from the event.  The adrenalin races, and that was fine in the days when man depended on it to out-race the hungry dinosaur!

Grief and grieving are exhausting, hard on the physical and mental health, and I do often wonder is it supposed to be like this, after all.  Saying that probably goes against current thinking on the topic, but I just don't know.....

Seven

[sevenofwands]

I found these, and thought them so apt.  Our courage is tried so much in this life, along this unusual journey we take.
Seven


"A ship is safe in harbor, but that's not what ships are for.”
 William Shedd quotes
 
      “Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "I will try again tomorrow.”
 Mary Anne Radmacher
 
      “You don't develop courage by being happy in your relationships everyday. You develop it by surviving difficult times and challenging adversity.”
 Epicurus quotes (Greek philosopher, BC 341-270)
 
      “Courage is the power to let go of the familiar.”
 Raymond Lindquist
 

[littleha]

As I sit here this evening with some candles lit, explore websites and listen to music, it really does not help the empty feeling I have inside. Everyday I ask myself is this really happening to me. I have to look around and realize that there is no turning time back. I just realized it is 2mths today the love of my life passed away. Now it hurts even more. I have been told it gets easier with time but so far the progress is very slow. I have not talked to anyone today other than a couple of cashiers at store checkouts. My boys are at a wedding that Cathy and I were to attend but I couldn't face the crowds yet. Neighbours are doing their things and the weather has been enabling my mood as it has been stormy all day. I hope tomorrow will be better. Allan