New widow--Desperate for help

[Juanita]

I don't know how to start. I lost my husband of 48 years 2 1/2 weeks ago.  I don't know how to handle this.  I feel like my insides are screaming for relief.  Sometimes the scream comes out my mouth and it scares me.  I cry all the time. I wake up in the morning counting the hours until I can go back to sleep.  I think I'm losing my mind.  I've talked to a chaplain a few times and it seems like it relieves the pressure for a little bit, then it all comes back with a vengeance.  I am overwhelmed.  I pray and pray and still I feel desparate. What do I do?  I am not interested in anything. I don't want to eat. I can't concentrate.  I can't organize my thoughts, or anything else for that matter.  All I can see are more and more days of this horrible existence.  What can I do?  How can I live this way?

[SunLilly]

There is not anything you can do to make the pain go away.

All you can do is survive day to day until time lessens how sharp the pain is. I remember being very panicked when my father died.., now I'm just sad.

Try to go for walks each day and try to not to be alone too much..., if that helps you. Each day try something different.., go the movies or take a swim, even if you cry the whole time.., just don't stop trying.

And with my advice, and anyone else's, take what is useful and leave the rest behind. I can only share what has helped me, we each have to find our own way, there is no one way to relieve your pain. Keep writing.

I'm sorry for you loss and your pain. You have to live on now, don't stop trying to take care of yourself.

[sevenofwands]

Hello Juanita:

I am very sorry for your loss, and the pain you are suffering right now.  I can only second what SunLily has said.
It is important, indeed vital, that you are not alone all the time.  It is very early days for you, and you need support and emotional help.  It is also important, no matter how you feel, to look after your physical help and to eat if you can.  Some people find it a great help to attend a bereavement support group, and there may be one in your area.

Do look after yourself.
All the best
Seven 

[Luvinmike]

Dear Juanita;
     I am glad you found this site- many of us here have lost a spouse, parent, sibling and there is also a child loss board. You can read and post a note anytime, please try to talk here and tell us your husband's name when you feel able to. It is scary and exhausting- frightening really at first. I am over one year losing my husband of twenty years and I could have written your post last year- I was alternating between panic and severe grief attacks. I will say I am able to think now- able to carry on. I am still so sad, deep sorrow now instead of as much panic. I agree with Sunlilly to use whatever helps you and ignore the rest- walking and drinking water were the first things I did not give up on, and writing in a journal.  Slowly a pleasant memory has replaced some of those deep grief attacks. I never thought it would get easier and it is still very difficult- but more manageable now than the first couple months. Do you have family to support you? We are here listening, please let us know how you are.
Sincerely,
Terri

[Juanita]

Thank you for sharing your insights.  I am so lost.  I am so alone.  I don't want to just be a whiner, but I am just not able to make any sense of this.  I know people live alone and do ok, but I don't know how to do that. I've never lived alone before.  I am just hibernating. I'm sure that's not the best thing to do but I don't know how else to deal with this.  If I go anywhere, I end up crying and making others uncomfortable.  I see couples and I almost feel resentful.  I feel like I'm failing mentally, physically and emotionally.  It makes me feel that I'm just dead except for the pain.  
Thank you Terri for your experience.  I sometimes feel so much panic that I feel that I'm just going to go off my rocker.  It doesn't make any sense. When Ken was with me, I was a strong person and did a lot of difficult things, but it's like that's all gone.  I have nothing to draw on. Ken was always my sounding board.  He usually just said, "use your own judgement.  I trust your decisions", but at least I had him to run things by.  I just don't know how I can do day after day like this.  And to think of months and years with sorrow just overwhelms my mind. 

[littleha]

Hi Juanita I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my wife of 33yrs in May of this year. Today is her birthday 51yrs old. The pain will ease but it does take a while and try not to judge your feelings. There are a lot them. Just let the tears flow and talk to anyone who is willing to listen. This site is a good one as we will all listen. Listen to what your husband said as you wrote "use your own judgement.  I trust your decisions". That part has not changed.  Your decisions must have been the right ones in the past and can be now also. I am not even at the 2 month mark but things are a little bit easier now. I am not going to say everything is great but it is a little bit better so there is hope. Time is the only solution and at some point things will be in focus.  Allan

[sevenofwands]

Hello again Juanita:

We are here to listen, and offer some comfort, if that is at all possible.  The panic is probably debilitating, and hard to handle.  Could I suggest seeing your doctor as he might prescribe something to help you over these initial difficult moments. 
I echo Terri's post.  It will take time, and each person's timeframe is different.  I also ask: do you have family to support you?  Friends?  It is important for you to not feel so isolated.  Could you have someone with you in the house at night?  At least during the first months. 
I know you feel frightened, and alone.

Take care
Seven

[Juanita]

THank you Allan. This must be a very hard day for you. I do appreciate your taking time to try to help me when you are probably struggling.  Your marriage must have been very special to have lasted 33 years.  Isn't it just the worst thing in the world to lose someone you've shared most of your life with?   I'm so glad to hear that you are starting to do a bit better.  That gives me some encouragement.  I  had no idea what people go through when they lose a spouse. I can't explain to those who haven't experienced it because I can't even being to find the words to try to describe this horrible, lost, empty feeling. I know our spouses don't want us to be in such pain.  Ken died June 14--not even 3 weeks ago, yet it feels like I've been in pain forever. 

[georgiapeaches]

Hi Juanita,
I'm so sorry for your loss. There arent to many words for us to say just that we are here to help you and support you, like everyone else has said. Try to get as much rest as you can, and cry as much as you want , it helps. I take medication to help me with my panic disorder and it does help. I had to go to therepy ( long before my husband passed away) for cognitive behavioral therepy  for my panic disorder, but the pills alone will help ease this horrible panic. I know how you feel to feel so alone, I only have my kids and my husbands aunt lives about 20 miles away. But you will be amazed at how many people will reach out and help if you ask. I'm sure you are still as strong a person as you use to be, its still there, dont worry. Dont keep thinking about the future , it is to overwhelming, take it day by day, minute by minute if you have to. I'm so sorry for your pain, we have all been there and wil be there for you. My prayers are with you. Hope you can feel alittle comfort.

Georgia.

[Juanita]

Thank you Steven.  I have two daughters, but neither is in the same town.  Ken and I didn't do a lot of socializing, so my social circle is pretty small, and of those none of my closest friends have lost a spouse, so they have no idea what's going on with me.  My oldest daughter would like to me to come and stay with them for a while, but I'm afraid if I do that, when I come back home I'll have to just start over getting used to being alone.  Oddly enough, days are worse than nights.  It seems like the days just last forever.  I've tried talking to a chaplain, calling prayer lines, this support group, and next week there is a bereavement group that I'm going to try to go to.  I feel like I need to do something to occupy my mind and my time, but because I'm not interested in anything, I can't get motivated.  I feel so bad crying on everyone's shoulder.  This is so not like me.  I feel like I've lost me too.

[littleha]

I too had no idea what people go through when they loose a spouse. I have lost both my parents, my brother and my father in law. This one is the hardest and only those who have walked in the same shoes understand. At first it felt as if my heart had been ripped out of me but as I said earlier it is getting a little bit easier. Your pain is so new. Try to take it easy and no big decisions right away. I know my brain was in overdrive thinking of what am I going to do next. When that feeling is there I just tell myself "Self, no decisions for at least six months." It is way too early and tomorrow is always there. Allan

[Juanita]

Oh, Georgia, thank you too for your kind words.  I don't know how to deal with this feeling of anxiety and panic.  It feels like I'm almost out of control.  I know you are right about not looking into the future too far.  Just looking at tomorrow almost overwhelms me, yet it feels like if I don't start looking at what I may have to deal with, it will catch me unaware, kind of like losing Ken did, and I'll totally fall apart.  I don't know where to get the strength to deal with this.  I'm afraid of medication, but I feel like if I don't get a few minutes relief I will just totally lose my mind.  When my sister's husband died, she started drinking wine.  Now she can't make it through a day without it, and it's been almost 10 years.  I know I have to get through this yet every choice of possible help seems so frightening and with its own negative potential.  

[Juanita]

Thanks Allan.  You're right. There is no pain like this.  I too lost both my parents, my younger sister, and Ken's parents.  Each was difficult in its own way, but none took me totally out of myself like this has.  I immediately started thinking of all Ken's things and what he would want me to do with them.  We had just recently purchased a new toy hauler and two 4-wheelers so we could travel during our retirement.  Now, I see all those things, all his hobby stuff, his trucks, and I am so torn as to what to do.  Yes, it is too soon.  I know that in some part of me, but I keep thinking, what if I die too.  I don't want my kids to have to deal with all this.  I guess that's morbid, but I feel so vulnerable.  Life is so short, it feels like I don't have a lot of time to take care of everything.

[littleha]

I also have thought of  "what if I die too"  what are my 2 boys (26 and 28) going to do. They have no idea of where to go or who to call to follow up on the estate. Right now I have no will but that will change in the future. My Cathy had no health issues but died suddenly of a massive heart attack. Our family physician was in total shock and he too could not understand since all her yearly exams were normal. The what if I die will pass if I go by my feelings since that feeling does not show up as often as in the past. I did go see my family doctor this week and in the next couple of weeks will have my annual exam and a stress test with my cardiologist as he said " just to reassure me that all is ok and I can start exercising again. Allan

[Juanita]

Hi again Allan, I didn't have a signed Will either, but I did that this week.  My girls are both in their 40's (45 and 47)  and my oldest is very savvy about taking care of things. I don't know what I would have done without her in making all the funeral arrangements.  There was so much to do and I wasn't functioning very well.  I felt so blessed to have her there.   But, I don't want to burden her any more than necessary for my death.  I went ahead and bought a plot by Ken's for me and purchased the casket vault, but unless I can bring myself to go back to the funeral home and make those arrangements too, she'll have all that.  Part of what was so difficult making the arrangements was that I would like to have had Ken's opinion on where he would have liked the plots, and what kind of casket he would have wanted, and who he would have wanted to do the service.  We always discussed big decisions, and I had to do this one without him.  If I could give anyone any advice, it would be to do all this while you are both alive and healthy.  It would make it so much easier on the spouse left behind.  I am due for an annual exam too, and I'm almost afraid to go.  I keep thinking, 'what if there's something wrong with me now?'  I don't know if I could deal with any more.  And I know it would be devastating for my kids.  Now, I guess I can understand a bit better why my sister, who lost her husband almost 10 years ago, doesn't go to the doctor.