ADULT CHILDREN WITH PARENTS THAT HAVE PASSED

[Brandy]

One thing I realized this morning after another sleepless night is that .... Yes my Dad was sick & I knew he was going to die WAY before he should & yes I hurt every time he hurt . He always talked to me when I was growing up about how one day he wouldn't be there anymore he was trying to prepare me for it & I knew that & I accepted that he'd never walk me down the isle when I get married He'd never see my children but I was so worried about what he was going through & what was happening at that time in LIFE . I never thought about the person I'd turn into without him... I really feel like my heart beats different now . when he died he took part of me with him & I worry that it was all the sweet good kind hearted parts of me . In life when we go through changes it happens over time we grow . but with death it seems that I changed over night . I just don't see the point in most things anymore ...

[MISSINGYOU]

COKIE- I am finding myself angry at my Aunt for staying alive and being who she is....mean and miserable, while my father, who was sweet and forgiving has to leave. I feel like all the good people die and we are left with the miserable. I know logically this is really unfair and unfair to my Aunt but it makes  me wonder....what the heck! Does the good Lord need more angles? Does he not want the crap down here? Im just angry. I had a late night and today as I write my father died one month ago on the min. Maybe its just the one month anniversary. I would expect the first year one would be bad....oh well....what ever. Like I said Im in a bad mood today.

Brandy- I read someone else say this on the blog. I can't remember who as  I read this site a lot. There is no way to prepare for this. We can expect it, know it and still we are devastated when it happens. We knew it, expected but were hoping for longer and still...Im not angry with my Dad. God...now that is another story. Today if God came down to talk to me about it I would slam the door in his face using some great explicatives I picked up in college. Your heart beats differently, mine too. Mine breaks more every day. I just want it to stop breaking so the hurt won't be there anymore. My father and mother (outside the hubby) are my best friends. They know me better than anyone in the world. Half that tie is gone. My mother, what will I do without her and Hubby is nine years older than I am. I can see what is going to happen. They will all go before me and then Im alone.

Oh wow...one reason why Im angry....Im scared s--t---s  Ok Im doing my own therapy now.

Thank you both for letting me spout. Today is alot of feeling and Im spouting. I keep you all in my thoughts Take care of you.

Elizabeth

[Ved]

I lost my father today at 2:30 PM.

I am 19 years old, he was 59 years old.  I have a 17 year old brother and my mom left.  He died from a complicated case of cartilage tissue cancer in his upper respiratory system.  We basically found out last November when he complained about his shoulder hurting.  His shoulder had always given him problems, but we never dreamed that it could be anything so serious.  They performed an emergency surgery to remove as much of the tumor as they could.  The doctor said that he was hours from being paralyzed.  The ironic thing was that the surgery basically paralyzed him.  He was never the same again.  I came home from college for winter break and he was in a wheelchair.  He couldn't walk, but he was supposed to regain his strength in a couple months and start radiation and chemo.  He never did.  He did his 2 weeks of radiation, and then was hospitalized for a urinary infection.  Ever since the first hospitalization, he was transferred from one hospital to another, to a rehab center, to more hospitals, and eventually 3 weeks ago he had enough and wanted to come home.  This is also when they told us that the chemo was not working.  So they basically gave up on my dad and sent him home to die.  This still makes me furious to this day.  It's like they had enough of him and were sick of taking care of him.

My mom, brother, and I took care of him for the last few weeks of his life.  He was reduced to a shell of his former self.  He layed in bed all day, sleeping most of the time because he was on such high dosages of morphine.  When he was awake, he could only speak a few words, and barely recognized our faces.  It was truly heartbreaking to see my dad, once a strong proud man, be reduced to this form.

Two days ago he started having diarrhea problems and got a fever.  This was his last fight, and he could not last any longer.  He died this afternoon.

Part of me is happy that he is not suffering anymore, but I am overcome with so many emotions, I don't know where to start.  I am sad, as I should be, but also extremely angry.  I'm angry at the doctors, the hospitals, and the world for being so cruel.  My dad did not deserve this.  He worked a job he did not like for years just so he could afford to send my brother and I to college.  I think it was this job that killed him in the end.  He sacrificed his life so I could have a better one.  I admire him for this.  He is my hero.  I am heartbroken that he will not see my marriage, or his grand kids grow up.  He will not be around to see what he was worked so hard for.

I don't know what else to say.  I'm still in shock.  But what I can't get out of my head is the last two days.  He was in so much pain, and I think he knew he was dying.  I could tell in his eyes that he was scared to die, and I can't get this out of my head.  No one should have to be in that much pain, ever.  It's killing me inside.

I have so much to say, but I can't type anymore without crying.

[SunLilly]

Oh Ved, all I did was read the first line and I was crying.

19?! I'm having such a hard time processing the loss of my father, and I'm 39. My kids are 18 and 20, and the thought of dying today makes me sadder for them then for myself. You're just way too young to have to go through this.., but death doesn't play fair.

I also have saddness about how hard my dad worked and how harsh some of the aspects of his life were. I know this much about parents, (because I am one).., your father worked so hard at his job, day after day, because he WANTED to; because taking care of children is a drive and desire and brings unimaginable satisfaction. You can be told (and believe) this, but you won't trully understand unless you chose to have children of your own. You want better for your children than you had for yourself, and it gives a deep satisfaction being able to provide something better. I am sure it gave him deep satisfaction to provide a college education so you would not have to work as hard. What a wonderful father!

It is also wonderful that you are able to be proud of him and see what he gave you in that way. Where ever your father is, he must be so proud of you! You can write beautifully for someone your age. (Any age.) It looks like his work was well worth it.., you are intellegent and well spoken and obviously loved him very much. You showed that love by caring for him in the most needy and scary part of his life.  I hope you can recognize that his work paid off in the man you have become.

I believe he is in peace now, no longer scared or in pain.
I'm sorry for your loss. I know your pain is greater than words can express.

[Ved]

Thanks for the reply.  I thought I was doing OK today, but then I hit another rough spot and I can't stop crying.  I'm just remembering all of the little things he used to do for my brother and I, like buy us countless of stupid videogames, or go to the YMCA with us, or watch basketball with me, or take me to my soccer games.  I was so bad I drove him nuts, but he still went to every single game.  I loved him so much, but I guess I didn't realize until now.

[SunLilly]

Of course you didn't, you've just finshed high school. I didn't even start to get to know my father as one adult to another until I was almost 30, and that was only after he had a heart attack and so I realized he was not super-man.

I'm so sorry for your loss. So very sorry.

Come here and post as often as it helps you, there are a lot of good people on here who understand the pain of loss.

[MISSINGYOU]

Ved you are wise beyond your years. Your father did well to raise such an adult as  you. 19, I can't imagine losing my father at that age. Im having a hard enough time at 47 being in similar circumstances. Death is not fair, or is it. My father used to say "its all in how you look at it honey." I try to look at his death as, his death could have been more painful and who knows what he would have to endure if he had lived longer knowing the cancer was going to kill him in a year. There is nothing that will take the pain away. Time will dull it. Its been a month and I have waves of pain and tears everyday, but the intensity of that day has subsided some. I talk to Dad every day. I am trying to work on a scrap book just about him. I allow myself the time to cry. If I can't function for a day I try to work through those feelings by allowing them. I just feel. It stinks, but it is what we all have to do. This site has been a God send. The people are wonderful and understanding. Keep writing and get the rest and nutrition you need as you will need them. Grief takes a lot out of a person. SunLilly is absoluty correct in regards to children. I have two. There is such an overwhelming love for our kids that they become our purpose for living. We would do what it takes to ensure that get what they need be it food clothing or an education. Your father lives in you. You are his legacy. He has done well. I will keep you and your family in thought and prayer if you believe like I do everyone else here. Keep writing.


Elizabeth

[Luvinmike]

Dear Ved;
So sorry for your loss. The first weeks and months of deep grief can feel very confusing and upsetting. It is normal to feel okay one minute and not the next. Taking care of yourself is crucial and slowing down in your everyday life can help with safety and abilities. My kids are your age and lost their super Dad- it has been a year. They continue to amaze me saying things like,"I will remember everything we had not what we have lost." i know they get lonely and my oldest daughter makes some poor choices, but overall time has helped a little bit. I hope you will continue on here and read these helpful posts from others who have lost a parent. Tell us how you are and about your family if you want to. We all care. Just sorry...
Terri

[Ved]

Just woke up and feeling horrible.  At least the hardest day is over though...

I layed in bed for hours just thinking and crying.  All the things my dad used to do with me that I took for granted.  I was thinking about this vacation we had 4 years ago, and how it was the happiest time in my life.  My brother was saying last night how my dad never got to hear him play the trumpet...it broke my heart.

My family is from Bosnia.  We moved to America to escape the civil war in 1995.  I love America, my whole life is here.  I am a proud citizen.  But right now I can't stand it.  I want to go back.  I talked about it with my mom this morning.  I feel like I don't belong here.  I want to go home.  We are sending my dad's body back to Bosnia for burial, right next to his brother and sister who died 5 and 3 years ago respectively.  I need to get away for awhile, I can't be in this house anymore.  But I just started working about 2 weeks ago, and I really need the money for college.  I don't know what to do, I feel boxed in.  I can't imagine going back to work.

Thanks for your support guys.

[sevenofwands]

Dear Ved:

I am very sorry for your loss.  It is heart-breaking to have this grief at any time and particularly to lose your father at this young age. 

Please, do not take any sudden decisions while in the throes of grief.  It is not an advisable time to make radical life changes.  Grief and the accompanying stress are poor advisors, so please do give yourself a little time.  Later, maybe in a few months, by all means make a trip back to Bosnia, and see how you feel about it there. 
Your home at the moment is in the U.S.A. and you were obviously very young indeed when your family left Bosnia. 
Your father would have wanted you to go ahead with your college career.   I think you will honour his memory by entering college and succeeding. 

Take care
All the best
Seven

[Ved]

I know it sounds rash, but this is the only thing keeping me sane.  I need to see my family over there.  I'm going in about a month after this dies down a little bit.  Staying there for 3 weeks.  Hopefully that will give me some time off and some time to heal.  I don't know how I'm going to be at school for a whole year.  I don't want to leave my mom and brother alone.

[sevenofwands]

Ved:

I can indeed understand the need to see your family back in Bosnia.  Do I understand that your mother and brother are also going back there?  Or do you mean that where you will be going to college for a year is somewhere else rather than in your home town in the U.S.

Seven

[Ved]

Yes, we are all going back for 3 weeks.

But I am still going to attend my current college.  It was my dad's wish, and I will not let him down. 

[SunLilly]

Oh Ved, what a hard time this is for you.

I completely agree that grief is no time for big decisions.., I was so panicked when my dad died that I almost broke into the morgue to try to shake him back to life. I'm really very grateful that I was not alone that night.

You don't need to worry about what you are going to do next year. I'm glad you're not giving up on your college education. This is a time for you and your family to just grieve. Feel whatever you feel.., sad, scared, angry, numb, confused.., it's all OK. At this point in your grief it's just hour by hour, sometimes minute by minute. Going to Bosnia with your family may help your process, only you and your family will know that. But sometimes when we lose someone close to us, especially a parent, the child in us just wants to go back to being a child. This can include strong feelings to stop every adult thing you're doing and run back to your child-hood home. Again, only you can know what's best for you.., I just ask that you try not to make decisions in the midst of all this pain because sometimes the decisions are made out of our desperate pain and not our sensibilities.

Take care of yourself.

[MISSINGYOU]

Well tomorrow is fathers day. Since I was in the vacinity of my dads grave I stopped by. I read him the fathers day cared I bought him last week. Wrapped it in a plastic bag to keep the rain off and speared it into the ground with the temp. marker.

HAPPY FATHERS DAY DAD. I miss you more than you'll ever know.