ADULT CHILDREN WITH PARENTS THAT HAVE PASSED

[cokieslittlegirl]

Missing you,

Those are hard visions and thoughts about what might of been, should have been.  I would find myself doing this a bit and it has eased up - torturing.  I lost my Dad Feb 11 to cancer. He was 62...young physically and mentally.  Walked 4 miles a day...faster than me...I'm 32. Lifted weights 4x / week.  Never smoked, rarely had a drink and boom he's gone. I am an only child, and even though I love my mother dearly, Dad was the parent with whom I really connected with...he and I were on a different level as far as fathers' and daughters are concerned. 

My dad was diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer and had 13 months of life after that.  TWO WEEKS before he died we were told the chemo was not working...two weeks.  I immediately dropped everything to be with him...we didn't know if it would be 6-8 weeks, 3?...ended up two.  For the first few days that I was there he was on a pain med that wacked him out - made him VERY paranoid and VERY unlike himself...it took me two days to convince the hospice nurse to get the MD to change the meds...I mean surely there were other pain meds that wouldn't have those types of effects!  Well, once we finally had the switch, he was really deteriorating fast and those two days were certainly in MY mind lost forever.  I felt ROBBED of those hours when he should have been on different meds, and able to communicate with me like always - that I will never get back. This and many other things about my Dad's passing that I would just go over and over in my mind and be so unsettled.

Then, finally I think I was ready to pinch myself.  I heard him speak to me in my head...he was telling me to snap out of it.  We all knew he was dying - this was no secret, he KNEW we were doing everything possible to make him as comfortable as possible. He KNEW we loved him, he KNEW he was leaving.  My father was more worried about us going on with our lives than his ending...his death was final, imminent. Our lives were surely going forward without him.  He wants me to know he felt loved in those moments...not that I could have or should have done something different.  We do the best we can with what we've got.

 I hope that you are proud of yourself for being with you Dad as he was in his most difficult moments of his entire life. I believe that is the best, most wonderful gift you can give someone you love dearly.  Sending you a big hug!

[MISSINGYOU]

You bring back so much for me....I am soo sooo sorry. I hate Cancer and Cancer medications, I hate Insurance companies that decide what your fate will be against your will.

I just see Dad there, such a strong young 74 taking his last breaths...the last 24 hours when he hugs my mother with all he has. Not wanting to leave her. Taking my hand knowing its me and trying to take some of my life and me trying to give it. I cry every day. I try to stay positive because that  is/was how he was. The glass alway half full. I know he would want me to be happy, but at night, Im alone, the kids are asleep and Steve is at work. It hurts so. I know you know and I don't mean to be selfish. Im sorry.

My mother wanted me to leave the hospital, I refused. I would never leave her or Dad alone at a time like this. I didn't say or do much. Listened, held his hand hugged mom and cried a lot. If feels sooo helpless. Not enough. I know deep down that this was all I could do.....

Thank you Cokieslittlegirl. I know Im not alone. Hugs to you. Its a bumpy road. It is nice to know that your there.


Elizabeth

[Brandy]

It was Saturday March the 14 2009 . My cell phone rang my heart dropped & I knew what the call was before I looked to see where the call was from . I answered to a doctor I didn't even know he was just the one there for the weekend . My Dad was only 56 but had been fighting for his life for as long as I can seem to remember . He was an uncontrollable brittle diabetic & it had attacked his kidneys , eyes , circulatory system , pretty much all of his vital organs . because of all this he had lost his sight , legs & was on kidney dialysis 3 days a week for 5 + hours at a time . witch is why we couldn't be with him when he passed .( they won't let you in there when they're giving dialysis ) How ever he had beat everything that had ever come his way in the past . The doctors would give him a 0%chancece of getting through something & there he'd be just smiling at them a week later saying "see Doc I can do this ." so needless to say I have given my adult life ( I'm 30 ) to helping my mother take care of my dad . I wouldn't go back to change a min of it . I know my dad in ways most people will never understand . He's my best friends , the go to guy for advice on ANY & EVERYTHING  , the strongest of the strong my protectorer with a gentel caring hand to hold when I needed it & the one man on earth that loved me no matter what . but now that he's gone I'm lost ... where do I go from here ?

[Luvinmike]

Dear Brandy,
So sorry about your Dad. It is amazing the bravery people show others when they are ill, it is unimaginable. Try to care for yourself and reach out for help during this hard time of grief and acceptance. The book list here is great and post on any board, create a new topic or thread if you want. Ask if you need anything. Welcome. Sorry you have experienced this loss of your loving father.
Terri

[MISSINGYOU]

That is how I feel. My Dad the protector, advise guy ect...Brandy I don't know where to go from here. Everyones journey is so different and yet the same. I have found that I am getting angry at everyone today. There isn't reason for this. They haven't done anything. My teeth hurt from grinding and I wish I would stop dreaming about Dad in the hospital bed.

My father tried to keep a very positive outlook and I am trying to follow in his foot steps the best I can. I take time to watch the world with those eyes everyday and I feel a little better. Im trying. I cry everyday and Im kind of waiting for the day when I look up and it doesn't hurt so much.

This site has been wonderful for me. I can write just thoughts and I get supported. God bless these people. I write anytime of day or night and its ok. I can calm, not silence, the thoughts in my head in a safe place. Keep writing.

I am so sorry about your Dad. Hang tight.

Elizabeth

[MISSINGYOU]

I went to the store today with the 3yr old and we picked up a fathers day card for her father. As we were looking, I saw one that fit my father and me to a tee. I started balling. I bought the card. Part of me thinks this was silly. The other part only hurts. I will take it fathers day to the grave read it and leave it. I really really really miss my father. 

[Jap Jr]

Not that silly; I knew one of the gifts I wanted to get Jim for Christmas; even tho he was gone, I still bought it; it is still wrapped in Christmas paper and his ornament (I get an ormanment every year for my kids, have since they were born and one for Jim) in sitting on it; not sure when I will "open" it or if I ever will. It sits on the shelf on the table behind the couch, and yes, it can be seen when you walk in my front door.

Kay

[MISSINGYOU]

Thank you for validating me. hugs and peace

Elizabeth

[MISSINGYOU]

Well went back to church for the first time since Dad died.  Dad was on the prayer list. Funny, the obit ws in all the papers and noit one person there knew my father passed. So here I was telling people that my father had died and how. At coffee hour I wasn't hysteric but I cried the whole time I was telling it. Every one listened. REv. Janet was awsome, but I got home and started feeling angry that they didn't know and I had to relieve the whole thing all over again. Whats up with that? Oh boy. what a roller coaster ride.

[cokieslittlegirl]

It is just that...the most horrific roller coaster ride.  We interred my Dad's ashes over the weekend. This was part 2...as my dad wanted his ashes in two places. As it's been 4 mos now since he died, this second interrment was different.  I found myself sobbing out loud at the sight of my daddy's precious name on his stone...the stone HE himself designed.  I wanted to hug the stone for missing him and loving him so much, and then I found myself wanting to kick it over in anger at the same time.
People from his work wanted to throw a bbq party in my dad's honor and tell stories about him which was so lovely and I could see how much they missed him.  That touched me.  But with all the laughs and pleasantries we exchanged, I thought to myself...these people look at me and my step-mom with our make-up on and our blow-dried hair and smiles on our faces and they probably think "wow, they're doing SO well"....if they only knew the pain, the rot and the bleeding of this hole in my heart.  How convenient for them that we "appear" so well.  This is not a battle of many...it is trulya battle for one and one only...yourself.

Wishing everyone a peaceful day.

[SunLilly]

It all just sucks.   I feel your pain..., every single day.

[MISSINGYOU]

It does suck. Thank you Cokie. Thank you Sunlilly.

[Jap Jr]

Agree - its just plain sucks, cancer and all the rest of it .......... a cure? when? I feel your pain, the roller coaster and waves of emotions. It's been almost 7 months, and it hurts missing my Jim more and more.

Peace for us all

(((hugs)))

Kay

[MISSINGYOU]

Took a dive tonight. can't sleep so ill try to write. It is four weeks since we were called and put dad in hospic. Last month I was with Mom all night in the hospital room watching my father die and wondering when it was going to happen. He died the following day about twelve hours after we started the delauded. I sat on the porch tonight, after the kids went to sleep, and cried. I have been relieving last month in my head all day and trying not to. Im ruminating again. It drives me crazy. IM pacing the house and trying to lie down and go to sleep. I can't I feel like a lost little two year old girl that just wants her daddy back. ......at 47 that is what I am I guess.

I don't get it. His sister is eighty, a diabetic, way overweight, mean as a junk yard dog, unforgiving as all get out, nosey, bossy, never takes care of herself and wants to make everyone in her life as miserable as she is. She wants us to be at her beck and call and gets angry if you don't take money from her. Her way of keeping one indebted so they owe her. She lives......Dad who is one of the most forgiving people, happy people, positive outgoing, giving back to his community people. He dies. Whats up with that. That just ticks me off.    Some one explain this to me.......

Well Im going to go try this again. Sleep, I hate it.

Elizabeth

[cokieslittlegirl]

Elizabeth,

I feel like the lost little girl who can't find her daddy too.  It is so hard, and while I can laugh and smile at times, talk to my dad at times, there are so many others where I am angry and broken. I want to scream and cry and bag my fists to the floor.  My husband helped me thru another spell last night...they just seem to come up out of nowhere...but really it's in there, the pain, all the time just waiting for an opportunity to surface.  I find it difficult to find an outlet for it...I have a few friends who I've let in, and they try to be patient and supportive...but they're over my grief, y'know?  So I just don't talk much to them anymore about it.

I think even if we had a definitive answer to Why our loved ones go too soon, it wouldn't be good enough.  I just attest it to bad luck, bad genes and that sometimes, many times, bad things happen to both good and bad people.  But thinking THIS way doesn't solve the problem.  The problem that they are gone now, and how do you learn to live life without them in it.  How to WANT to do that is hard enough. I hate this too. 

I don't know if your Dad liked music at all, but I recently made a CD of downloaded music that my Dad LOVED and listened to all his life, ABBA, Springsteen, otis redding, etc...I find it really comforts me, I can see and hear him whistling and tapping his feet like he used to do, I can remember falling asleep as a little girl to these songs.  It makes me feel warm inside when i listen to it.  Just a thought.

Hope you were able to get some sleep and that you will feel stronger today.