ADULT CHILDREN WITH PARENTS THAT HAVE PASSED

[MISSINGYOU]

I know you are right. We loved our dads and it hurts like hell. I am concerned for the kids. Not because I am crying, they are doing well, better than I am with the whole thing. I am concerned that if I don't fight this, things won't be taked care of for them. My husband works nights and sleeps days. He does what he can, but Im the one running the house for now. Im ok with that. The bad thing is, if I crash, so do they. I need to keep moving. My oldest is in school and my husband takes her in the morning which is good for both of us. I have a couple of weeks to function more. The little one is 3 and more or less content to sit with me until the afternoon. I have good girls. She (the 3yr old) is walking around telling everyone including strangers that "Grandpa is dead." Her way of dealing with what she doesn't understand. Puts me in tears when she says it. I just validate that she is right and she points to the sky and says, Grandpa's in outerspace. ;Got to love the kids. I hang on tight to them at night.

I will do my best SunLilly. You take care going into your fathers apartment alone, ok? take someone with you please...My mother is barely tolerating it, just doing the bills. take care




Elizabeth

[SunLilly]

Thank you Elizabeth.., I don't go alone.

[MISSINGYOU]

my husband came home from work today and said he is worried about me and I should go to a Dr. He said Im depressed and getting more so. I told him Im alone all day and night and can't talk to a 3 and 6year old about my father. I m a little frustrated with this. Dad dies on the 20th, we wait to burry him until after Memorial Day, I am holding up my mother daily, I was taking Adavan to help me sleep and thought maybe that was making me so slow in the morning. Last night I was still awake when he went to work and it took me until 3ish to fall asleep. I woke up got the kids ready for school and ate breakfast. I am already on an anti-depressant. I thought I was doindg ok. I laugh when my friend calls me to check on me, but how many times can she call. I told him I need people around me. Maybe I need to do something about that and thats ok, but I feel like he is pushing me to be that happy animated woman of last month. He is a good man, but he has both his parents. I dont know.

[Jap Jr]

missing you;

I read all of the posts since you started this one, and I feel your pain. I lost both parents 11 months apart; 6 & 7 years ago, when I was 47 & 48; there are many days that I still want to call them or ask them a question and realize I can't. Our family feels our Dad missed our Mom so much, he died of a broken heart. Now I know how my Dad felt with that broken heart, because mine is broken and hurting so much. I lost my fiancee, Jim, 6 months ago to cancer and I do the same with him all the time! I just know he will be coming through the door, or calling me or I hear him in his wheelchair upstairs when I am in the family room or the laundry room in the basement, and waiting to hear him call me. Guess what I am saying is one never forgets, no matter how much time has passed. I lost a brother 19 years ago and can still see him at my parents house goofing with my kids and other neices and nephews and his own grandchildren. I hurt so much missing Jim and feel so cheated out of our future.

Keep coming to this site and posting; it has been a God send for me - really it has. None of us like this journey we were put on, but all do understand the hurt, pain, anxiety and the roller coaster and waves of emotions that we go through, the ups and downs.

(((hugs))) and strength to get through another minute, hour, day, week, month .......

Kay

[MISSINGYOU]

Kay I am so sorry. You have had many losses in your life. you sound like a wonderful warm person. Thank you for your validation. My husband hasn't lost anyone this close to him from death. I can't imagine how he will handle this when his parents die. They are older than mine and in worse health. What a kicker. I wouldn't wwant to wish anything bad on his folks they are wonderful and have been wonderful to me but....I confess I am a little jealous. I called his parents and his father answered. I said "Hi Dad." and choked. He isn't my father, he is steves. It really hurt. My father was so vibrant.

I know you hurt miserably on such a deep level, I don't want to take that value away. My husband had a heart attack the same week my father did this year and I was in two hospitals. I can't imagine what it will be like to lose him one day.

I hope the waves of emotion soften for us both soon. Hang tight Kay. My heart goes out to you.

Elizabeth

[SunLilly]

Hi again.

Elizabeth, I don't know you, so maybe I'm wrong. But the impression I get from your posts is that you, and your husband, expect a whole hell of a lot of of you.

It's normal to be depressed, very depressed, after someone you love dies. It's still very fresh. Is there no one that can come over and sit with you during the day? Is there a friend or family member who can take the kids for even just one night?

Also, I know it sounds silly.., but it's very important to laugh. Rent funny movies.., like REALLY funny so they force you to laugh. Like "knocked up" (ok, that may be just my really funny movie).  Your dad would want you to laugh, it doesn't mean you love and/or miss him any less.

I have sedatives to sleep too. They are necessary, but they can raise your daytime depression level, they are chemical depressants. Talk to your Dr. about your anti-depressants and your mood. It could be they are not working because you're not having a bio-chemical depression..., maybe your just in a lot of grief pain.

Or, you could be having both and maybe he/she needs to change the meds or up the dose.  What state do you live in?   

If any of this doesn't fit you, please toss it out. Another dad lesson: take what you need and leave the rest behind. I don't want to overstep, just trying to offer you some tidbits that might be helpful. 

Peace to you. Deanna

[MISSINGYOU]

Well Deanna

you are right about one thing, I expect a lot of myself and maybe steve does too. I know it is important to laugh but it is hard to do when there isn't anyone to bounce things off of except a 3 and 7 year old. They can make me laugh but its not the same.

I do suffer from a chemical depression, mild, I have increased my anti-depressants with Dr.s permission. I know Im grieving.no there isn't anyone who can come over. I have one good friend who just took the kids for two days so I could hold Dads hand whe3n he died. Besides she has 4 kids a bad back and her own troubles at the moment.. My parents and family keep telling me Im the tough one and I have always been the one to handle most hard stuff. Go figure, Im the only daughter. Dad asked me to be second in the Health Care Proxy because I could handle it if Mom couldn't do it for some reason and he said he knows I would honor the DNR. Lucky me I drew the straw. He said Mike could not feel enough, Steve was to feeling, Mark he didn't get along with. That left me.

So today I went to the VOA, I taught my youngest some letters numbers, I started their birthday guest list. I did laundry and I have to take the dog to the groomer. Im moving but every step aches.

Does it apply? yea I guess so. My parents have always expected a lot from me and I always gave it to them. "Pull yourself up by the boot straps." "tap into your yankee background." "Toughen up." They believe in being independent and self-sufficient. In fact, my mother is attempting to pull this on herself so that she doesn't call sounding needy. I get "IM alright, Im sleeping, I eat. Your alone a lot so now so am I whats the difference." Hell Ive always been alone. Alone in a family of boys, lived alone, and now that Im married, Im raising kids alone until we can get on our feet. Two more years. Had to be tough for many many reasons. Funny Im really a cupcake.

I say what your dad said, take what you need and leave the rest. Thank you for the concern. I am aware of it. Steve just struck me really wrong today. I was like thinking my God hon, I just lost my father on the 20th and had to wait to bury him. Its been just a week since the funeral and your worried Im to depressed.
I don't know.

gotta go chase kids. Take Care of you.


Elizabeth

PS NYS
 

[MISSINGYOU]

My 3 year old told me several times to day that she misses Grandpa. I agree. She said that he was in outerspace and she was going to go to heaven and bring him back to earth life. She told me I had to stay on earth until she came back with Grandpa. Wouldn't it be nice if we could do that? I really miss my Dad.

[MISSINGYOU]

its ten at  night and cant sleep again. Im screaming in my head. Im scared and feel alone. Last night I kept having the same dream over again, watching Dad die. Holding his hand watching them put pain meds into him. Hearing him groan and wondering if he was trying to tell me something. I hate this. Im scared. I cry and cry after the girls go to sleep. I don't want to have those dreams tonight.

Just screaming in my head and trying to stop it. I miss Dad.

[Luvinmike]

Dear MISSINGYOU;
As a parent speaking, your Dad must have known how lucky he was to have a kid like you. I am sorry and I'm sure many others are here too, that your grief gets overwhelming, we alll know that feeling. Keep reminding yourself that you will learn how to cope with it. I bet you have a wonderful young family and your Dad must still be proud of you. ((((MISSING)))) Hope today provides you with some peace.

[wanda]

I feel your grief. I still have my parents, but My children lost their Dad(my husband) last April.
My advice to you is to focus on your mom. You still have a husband and children to help you. Your home is still the same. Your Mom has nobody, unless someone lives with her. Her life has changed drastically. Half of her is gone. My kids have been a big help for me, but they have homes and children and husbands to take care of. That helps them.Again, I am so sorry. Nobody can replace a parent. As long as your parents are alive, you are somebody's KID.

[MISSINGYOU]

Thankyou every one. Iknow Ihave a life and the kids do help. The husband not so much do to working nights. I check on Mom two, three times a day and I am happy she is going to my daughters dance recital tonight and spending the night. She is a great lady and I realize half of her is gone, thats why I don't talk to her about my feelings. If she wants to know she will ask. Thats when she is ready to hear it. Other than that those are my adlt supports outside of you. That is why I jot down thoughts feelings ect.....so Thankyou for the support and I am sorry about everyones loss. Wouldn't it be nice if we could all be this supportive without the tragedy?

[MISSINGYOU]

I went to my daughters dance recital last niht. Mom was there. I started crying because my father should have seen this. He loved his grandchildren so.

[MISSINGYOU]

Hi everyone.  Last recital was last night. Im so proud of my Laura. I got stuck for a sitter and Mom stayed an extra night to help out. She looked brighter yesterday and today. I don't think she was looking forward to going home to an empty house, but she knows she can call and Ill be there. Ill call her too. I listened to the song "Shinning Star." I didn't comment. Put me in tears. I was "ok" until I heard it. I will have to concentrate on my mothers conversations this weekend regarding my father ect....We had some really good talks.

Elizabeth

[MISSINGYOU]

every time I close my eyes I see my father in his hospital bed. I think what could I have said or do differently that would  make the situation better. Could I keep him alive longer? Could I have eased his fears? I don't know.....just thinking again