ADULT CHILDREN WITH PARENTS THAT HAVE PASSED

[MISSINGYOU]

Well this is a first for me. I turned 47 today and lost my father onthe 20th of May. His birthday is on the 21st. We buried him this week due to the holiday which made things difficult with the waiting and all. He had cancer, however the cancer didn't kill him his heart was fragile and with the chemo meds he just couldn't make it. His insurance co. refused to approve the second stem cell transplant which would have extended his life for a year and he would have been able to have some quality to it. This may sound weird, I am 47, but Im scared. He was such a force with his personality. He laughed, loved everyone, told a great joke and was a wonderful rescuer. He rescued me many times. I would call daily just to chat. I miss the morning coffee over the phone. I don't know what to say to my mother who started dating him in 9th Grade. She has never been alone. They had a true love story. I think Im ok and then start crying suddenly. I shake and hurt all over. He told me the worst part was he wouldn't see my children grow up. He said he was not ready and didn't want to die. He gave to his community with all that he had and then some. I miss my father. I am angry at his insurance co and I feel generally lost. He was a very young 74, looking 60 and acting 30ish. I love him so much. My husband works nights and this makes it hard because there isn't anything to destract my thinking. My children help during the day but.....I don't know what I am looking for on this site. Relief maybe, someone who cares, someone who lost a parent. I don't know. Thanks for listening. 

[SunLilly]

Well, it looks like we're sailing in the same boat of grief. My father died 4 days after yours.

The mortuary gave me my dad's eyeglasses and hat today. His eyeglasses were scuffed., which he never would have tolerated. He was found, collpased, on his walking route. I have to wonder.., did he go down so quickly that his glasses were scratched.., or did some careless paramedic/coroner/technician scratch them? I'll never know. There were no witnesses so I'm not sure how easy or hard his last moments were.

I run around all day making arrangements. He is being cremated, per his wishes, and we are having a memorial service next weekend. I'm trying to gather pictures from everyone who has them and we're making a slide-show for the service. It will be very informal.., again, per his wishes.

I can't stand it at times.., like your father, he did not want to die. As a matter of fact, the Dr.s gave him 0-2 years, about 13 years ago. You would think this would make it easier, but it doesn't. He fought for every day.., he took herbs and ate almost perfect and walked almost every day. He did everything he could to make that ticker of his keep ticking.., but one day.., it just stopped. Damnit.

I wish I had something more comforting to give, but for now all I can say is I understand how horrid this is.  Peace to you.

[MISSINGYOU]

I think all we can do is keep rowing this boat until it hits some sort of shore. I am so sorry about your father. No you will never know about his glasses. Could be either or both. I was upset that the hospital hadn't shaved my father in days. We finally did it. Funny, the things that become important to us because it is important to our loved ones.

Ahhh the arrangements. Horrible process. I don't know about you, but when we went to pick out caskets ect....I felt like I was in some morbid infomercial. A slide show sounds nice. Special things are good. keep going on that, you won't regret it.

I think part of what makes it so hard, out side of having the man that raised us and protected us pass away, is that neither one was ready to go. They fought so hard and made each day the best they could. What bravery they had. They each had things to do and wanted to complete them. Scold me if I speak out of line please. This is just my opinion. My husband asked me if anyone really wants to die. I think so. I think for some, life becomes so painful, that they do not fight it. I think we had fathers that loved life so much and loved us so much....life was not painful to them in that way and therefore, I like to think that we had something to do with the pleasure they had on earth. This part helped them through each day.

OK NOW iM GOING TO CRY...AGAIN.  This stinks. I know we mourn for ourselves, but I think youre right, damnit! This hurts. I don't know. I guess Im not very comforting either. Keep rowing, I will think of you in the days to come. peace to you.

[SunLilly]

It is harder for ME that he didn't want to go.., it is harder for ME that he fought so hard.., and was doing well right up until the end!

I feel so bad for him, and sometimes panicked, because he wanted to live.

But, it's better for him. (More years would have been so much better though!)

But I mean the way he passed, it's better for him then if he had given up.

I don't know if you'll find comfort in this or not.., I'm not finding comfort in much anything.., but I told my kids this:  If I die at 200 I better still have things I wanted to do! Because what that means is that you were living a quality of life and you loved life. My dad had a FULL life. He had made it very clear that he did NOT want to die in a hospital, and that he refused to live life as an infirmed man who could no longer go on walks or hikes. That damned walk killed him..., but he went out HIS way. I'm a little mad at him for that.., and a little proud at the same time. He was a lot braver than I am.

I had imagined as his heart grew weaker he would too.., and he would end up moving in with me.  I even had a room cleared because I didn't want him to feel like he was imposing when the time came, (in 5 or so years I thought), to move Pops in..,  with his lazy-boy and his 48" LCD of course. My way would have been to keep him for every extra day (even minute) that I could.., even if that meant he had to live in a chair on oxygen. I would never had been able to let him go.

Now my dad's ideas were different; he went for his walks without fear.., and pushed himself even if he felt dizzy or pain (which he had many times).., and if it took him out.., well then it took him out. I did not want to die.., but he made very clear that he would only accept life on his terms.

He was a Vet, a salior, and he was taken from this world on Memorial day weekend. That's just like him to die on a fitting holiday.

He did it his way, not mine. I miss him too much to find any peace or comfort in that.., but I must admit it would have broken my heart that much more if I had to see him weak and fragile and emotionally broken in a hospital..., only because that's not what he wanted and that's not who he was.

I'm going over to his apartment today to do a few things..., I thought I was cried out.., but I am amazed at how many tears one human body can produce.

[MISSINGYOU]

I think we are related.  My father died the day before his 75th birthday. He wanted a quality of life and if he couldn't have that he did not want life supports. Dad signed a DNR. I cry all the time. I think of him all day everyday and miss our morning coffee over the phone, but I would not want him to suffer. He was an educator, auctioner, realtor, Insurance salesman with his own business. He traveled. Was apart of the community by starting the local ambulance department. he was a volunteer fireman. He was an actor in Community Players and a docent at the local carraige house. I would have loved to see him live longer. He was one of my best friends.

Last month my father was faced with the decision of wether or not to go in for an angeoplasti. He was told he had a 10% chance of being on dyalisis for the rest of his life. He told me "honey, they came in and told me I had a 10% chance of being on dyalisis, I told them, no I have a 90% chance of not being on dyalisis. Its all in how you look at it." He went for the angeo and guess what, no dyalisis. I try to hang on to that. I try to hang on to the fact we did what we could and made sure we did it his way.

Our fathers were incredibly brave men. They lived longer than they were told they would. They fought a valiant fight. They lived their way. I will use them as an example and attempt to walk that way. This doesn't mean that I don't get angry or sad. It doesn't mean that I don't want my daddy. Im afraid that Ill get into trouble and he won't be there to bail me out...again. I am afraid of the day I need to hear his wisedom and he won't be there to guide me.  Oh lets face it....Im terrified. But I want him to be proud of me and I can only do that by working through this and trying to remember, there is a 90% chance of not.....fill in the blank.

I imagined my father seeing my girls 3 and 7 yrs grow into young adults and him teasing me when one comes home in some conditions that I did.  I imagined we would go fishing and hunting again. I imagined much. I will miss it and him. I think with time I will find comfort in we did it his way and he did it his way. His life was his gift to him to do what he felt was right. He did. Was it right?? I don't know. He had a 50/50 chance of being right with every decision he made. He taught me that too.


Now I am babbling thoughts. Some advice, take what you need and leave the rest.  Take one day at a time, listen to your body feelings are ok and feel through them,, don't do anything you are not ready to if you don't have to,for example, giving away his favorite sweater. Take care of you and stay with good friends who won't tire of your thougths.

Elizabeth

[georgiapeaches]

Dear Elizabeth,
I lost my father 10 years ago and my mom last November. I am so sorry for your loss. It doesnt matter what age you are,its not any easier.  I keep looking down at my left hand where my moms wedding band now fits, thats all I have left, and my fathers folded flag on my dresser upstairs, its so sad isnt it. I'm so sorry we have to meet like this, but this is really a wonderful site, and I hope you get some relief here.

Georgia.

[MISSINGYOU]

thank you Georgia. I am also sorry for your losses. It is sad. If feels wrong. Funny, I believe in God and Heaven but I feel so miserable most of the time. My daughter asked me why I was crying and I said I missed grandpa. She told me "Mom its not that I don't love grandpa and I won't miss, I just don't think abouthim that much because I know he is with God and I know God will take care of him." I thought profound for a 7 year old. Maybe Dad has something to do with that. I have pics of my Dad, I took a lot of them. Mom has the rest of the things. We need to cherish what we have, yes? hugs to you.

Elizabeth

[georgiapeaches]

We need to cherish them everyday, I really need to remember that always.

Georgia.

[MISSINGYOU]

Oh my....I just spoke with my mother and she is not doing so well. She says she is lonely and she is teary tonight. My heart breaks for her. I feel as helpless with her as I did watching my father die. Good God! I live an hour away and all I can do is call her and listen. Shes tough. She told me some plans to keep busy in her community and to stay active. She said "I have to go through it" Its a lonely journey for us all because our relationships were so unique to my father. ONes a son the other a daughter and another a childhood sweetheart and wife. I simply told her that if she needed to hear a human voice to call and Ill keep calling her. She is repeating herself a lot....her concentration is very low. Any suggestions how to help her??

[kevinjj]

You are just coming out of the shock of the loss and I am sorry you have lost your Father. I don't think we ever can accept the unfairness when those that did not want to die did die, like my own Mother. Botched medical procedures finished her off though she went for another 2 years. That was 11 yrs ago and Dad died 13 years ago. He was worn out with  a weakened heart. I don't think he wanted to die but was not afraid to do so and accepted the fact that he would. Either way, our love and honor of them is not diminished and it becomes easier to see how our own lives and character was shaped by them but there is a huge void for a long time.

[MISSINGYOU]

yes, I think so. shocked is an understatement. I woke up today and thought wonderful Ill call Dad....So I called Mom and asked how she was and she said better. She is in shock too. I spoke with my brother and we decided that together we will make sure she keeps active as she is ready to take on more things. Between all the kids, she is going to be well monitored and probably at some point say ok cut it out. Then we will know its ok.

your are right. I have been looking back at how both my parents have molded me. I will attempt to take the best of both and ingrain them in my spirit.

I am sorry for you loss too. Thank you

[MISSINGYOU]

I am trying to work on a type of memorial to Dad for fathers day. Does this sound weird? I hope not. Its just for me and him. So I thought, Ill look up the song he wanted sung at the memorial service. "Send In The Clowns" My mother wanted it for herself and Dad asked her if he could borrow it. I pulled it up, only knowing half the words and not hearing half during the service because of tears and my mind exploding, I read it. I read it and started to cry again. The true meaning for my parents hit me like a ton of bricks. What a love affair they have/had. I miss my Dad......

[tsurandy]

I understand what you are going through.  My Mother passed away on September 17th, 2008, not a day has gone by that I don't cry, I miss her more than anything.  I am 52, Mom lived with me the last 10 years of her life, we were best friends.  I think of the good times, and I laugh, I think of all our plans, all the things we did together, and everything I learned from her.  I know that though she isn't with me in the physical world, she lives within my thoughts, my memories and my heart.  Bless you.

[MISSINGYOU]

Oh I am so sorry. That is so special to have that time together. I recieved a card from a friend of mine regarding my father. Threw me into tears. This is rediculous. I have young kids. It takes me two hours to get moving on chores, one painful step at a time, 4 hours to get dressed(that wouldn't happen if I didn't have to pick up my daughter from school) and by 2:30 PM Im ready for bed. Not me at all. It does help to know that at 47 its not wrong to cry for your parents. Tell me do the tears lessen, the pain and anxiety subside? Oh Dad would not like to see me this way.

My folks and I are best friends. I spoke with Mom today, well everyday, and she said something about her not being around and I had to ask her if she was giving up the fight. She isn't but man its scary to hear after a trauma.

I know you cherish your memeories of your mother. I am sorry for your loss. Take care of you and Ill think of you.

Elizabeth

[SunLilly]

It is NOT rediculous.., it takes as long as it takes.  Allow yourself time to grieve.., allow your kids to see how much it hurts.., it's a life lesson.

I'm trying not to let my saddness take over my life., and if I have to drive and cry and/or work and cry and/or shop and cry.., then that's just how it is.

Ours dads died.., we love them and we miss them and it hurts like hell.

I understand about the music. I have been making a slide show on my computer for my dad.., relatives have been e-mailing me all sorts of pictures I've never seen.., I've set it to two of his favorite songs..., The Dance (Garth Brooks) & Big Rock Candy Mountain (o' Brother where art thou soundtrack)

I cry every time I work on it.., i look at the pictures and hear the music and I just see his whole life.., on an 8 minute slide show.., and it's very intense.., but yet very wonderful.   

Take care.