Filledwithregret13
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Posts: 1
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« on: May 20, 2009, 12:31:01 AM » |
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Just realize how long this is..yikes.
I have been in extreme pain over a lost relationship for the past 3 years - because she is still in my life. My first relationship lasted 2 years and was extremely abusive, and then I met her. She was sweet, loving, kind, beautiful. If I were to make a list of everything I could ever want out of a relationship, it would simply show a picture of her. In the beginning, we didn't fight for months. We were excellent at communicating and genuinely loved and respected one another. She cared so much, she would drop her life (move from NY to Boston) to be with me.
Eventually, I moved in with her and everything went downhill. When she was living in Boston with me, the relationship was new and fresh and we were out socializing with other people, so there weren't any problems. When I lived in her small town in upstate NY with her family, we started to fight over everything. The way I folded towels. You name it. We were just very easily irritated by each other. I was so used to the relationship being so easy in the beginning, I didn't think at all that anything would happen. When we fought, I shrugged it off. I wouldn't give in to her needs. I then became very needy towards her and only wanted things my way. It was a blessing if we went 2 days without fighting. She decided she wanted to go to California for the summer to go to school. My initial reaction was, "what about me?" I was so used to her doing everything for me, that when she wanted to do something on her own, I became very hurt and probably even guilt tripped her into "leaving me." Before she left however, we did make peace with it, and as far as I knew at the time, we were still together.
After a few days of her being in California, we stopped talking as much. She needed time. I was genuinely confused. I didn't realize the seriousness of this. She told me I had caused her a lot of pain for the past year and she needed some time and she'd call me when she was ready. I said I love you to her on the phone, and she wouldn't respond. She broke up with me two weeks later.
I was in SO much pain I couldn't handle it. I took every possibly opportunity I could to go out, socialize and drink. I used bars and drinking as an outlet to help me forget. But every morning I'd wake up and reality would hit all over. I became obsessed with the breakup and entirely blamed myself in every way for it. I knew that wasn't true. It was both of us.. but I told myself it was all my fault. I would constantly cry. I'd be in the middle of a conversation with a friend, and tears would just start coming and then wouldn't think anything of it because it happened so often and was so casual at that point.
I called her to apologize and say goodbye to her. Something about the talk, "opened" her eyes and we started talking again. After a month or so, we "kind of" got back together. We were basically the same way we were when we were together, except we didn't have the technical label. I didn't care. I was so happy that I got her back. I remember all the pain I experienced from the breakup that I did not want to go back there again so I tried to do EVERYTHING I could to keep it perfect and to keep us from fighting. It didn't work. After about 3 months, it went downhill again. At the time, I thought it was because she herself had blamed me for the failed relationship, so to her she always wanted me to "prove myself," so it was a constant court case and anytime something wouldn't go 100% the way she wanted it, she'd accuse me of "being the same, and never changing." This could something as simple as interrupting her during a fight. So we gave up again and just decided to be "friends."
I knew it was a bad idea to be friends because I would never "get over her," that way..but I just wanted to keep in her my life with the hopes things could work out. This was about 2 years ago. Our friendship dymanic consists of: She lives in NY, I'm in Boston. We talk on the phone 12 hours of the day depending if I have work or not. I have a bluetooth headseat, and we just stay on the phone talking throughout the day. We watch movies, run errands, even take baths on the phone. We call each other cute, baby names. We hang out as often as we can (sometimes I'll go and stay with her for a week) We've slept together almost everytime we've hung out, and we flirt and cuddle. She tends to hold back with that though saying she's, "afraid I'll get emotional." Boy, is she off. (I don't think she has any idea I still want to be with her. We don't talk about that.) She considers our phone time, as "hanging out," and any time I make plans to go out with somebody, she genuinely gets upset. She'll get mad at me everytime I go, or start crying and then make it about me being "horrible if I leave her while she's upset." I love all the time I spend talking to her on the phone - but I only put up with it because I'm hopeful into thinking maybe we'll get back together. But through all this, she still calls me "her friend." She talks about me like I'm a casual friend and even mentions when she goes on a date like it's not a big deal. She stresses that what we have is a FRIENDSHIP. The way my mind works, is I think it's okay to deal with this, and I like when she gets "upset when I go out," because it means she's attached to me in some way. I always want to sleep together because it means then maybe it'll lead to a stronger emotional attachment. I'm just seem so desperate to be with her. I never had the time to get over and and accept her as a friend because we never had time away, and now we're on the phone 24/7. Recently I tried to distance myself, and she immediately called me out on it. I don't know what to do. I also recently learned about "The Secret," and alot of spiritual ways of living and have improved every aspect of my life, but it's not enough for her. She only sees the negative.
Right now, we just got in a huge fight and she told me "she can't deal with me anymore." So as of right now, I don't think we're talking. Doesn't seem that bad because she lives in NY, right? Wrong. My whole day changes. Normally, she'd call me around 11am, we'd talk before I have work and while I'm on the way. She'd text me througout the night asking, "How much longer?" And that she misses me, and then we'd talk when I get home. So now what do I do? I don't do anything without her.
I keep thinking of 3 years ago. I'm getting flashbacks of our relationship when it was good. When we had a stupid fight. Why didn't I just shut up and let her have her way? Why didn't I stop it then when I had it all? I wouldn't be here right now, grasping at straws with her. I wouldn't get so excited when she calls me "cutie," on the phone. Why didn't I just step outside myself for one damn second? I've been trying to fix it and get her back for years, but why didn't I JUST OPEN MY EYES AND FIX IT WHEN IT WASN'T TOO LATE? I never see it until it's right in front of my face. I make her the most important thing in my life, I dream about her all the time, and I chose to stay on the phone with her then to go out to friends. I call out for work to spend and extra day with her. For what?
I went up to a friend of mine and I said, "Well the good thing is, when one door closes, another opens." And he said..."What door? A door means an opportunity. She was never an opportunity. She always claimed you were just friends and strung you along." She doesn't want to be with me, but she wants to act the way she does and not let me hang out with anybody else. I don't know why I deal with it but I can't stop. I think I love her too much and I can't let her go. I hold on because I want it to be the way it was, even if it never will. I just KEEP HOLDING ON to make up for the REGRET I FEEL FOR OUR RELATIONSHIP ENDING IN THE FIRST PLACE. I have a one way ticket to Regretsville, and I can't figure out how to get back to reality. I've become so stuck in this way of living that I don't know anything else - and maybe I don't want anything else. But I need help. I can't live in this circle of pain anymore. I need time away, but I don't know how to let her go. She gets so upset anytime I need time. And so then I'm so upset she is, I end up talking to her. It feels like I'm supposed to "always fight for her." I've become a Robot and my batteries are running out. I just want to be happy.
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