Terrible regret over lost relationship

[flowergirl]

At the age of 37, I met a wonderful man who I had heaps in common with, fancied and was most things I could want in a partner.   I started seeing him 4 and 1/2 years ago.   I had been in a friendly but passionless 8year relationship so it was amazing to meet someone who I really had feelings for. 

After two years we nearly got married at my suggestion and he was keen but I managed to derail it as I suddenly had cold feet about one  aspect of his personality (he was v different to my ex so a bit of baggage there).  We got back together again as he loved me very much and put up with this upsetting experience although he was angry but the reason for my upset was never discussed.  He then asked me to marry him 6 months later but I couldn't give him a straight answer as I felt this anxiety rising up in me after the first time.    He then had to move out of his rented accomodation and so we decided to buy a house together but I knew deep down it wasn't right as I had not wanted to live with someone again unless we were married.   I felt quite unsettled at first but this passed.   He would often say in a nice way ' when are you going to marry me but I know not to pressurise you'.  I basically was just sitting on the fence and deferring making a decision.   I hadn't really worked out what I was making a decision between because I would never have wanted to split up!     

In the second year we were living together he was beginning to get more frustrated by my apparent lack of commitment to anything more permanent.   On two occasions I still batted away conversations about marriage - it was very strange this anxiety grew up in me about the whole topic probably because I just felt I had to be very certain after the first time when I had upset him by derailing it.   But how certain do you have to be? It's like indecision causes you to look for reasons for and against all the time and then you get stuck in analysis paralysis.   

I finally did come to a decision in October that we should get married as there was another big family wedding in August 09 where his parents etc would be coming over from Australia and I knew this was the impetus I needed to tie the knot.  My feelings for him had also really deepened over the summer.   I thought I'd ask him at Christmas time.   Anyway, the long and short of it is that in the end circumstances and him made the decision for me before I even got the chance to ask him.   He went through a very difficult time at work, he met someone else (younger who he suddenly realised he could have a family with - he had always said to me that it didn't matter if we couldn't have children as long as we were married he'd feel he'd made something of his life) and as a result of feeling rejected by my apparent lack of commitment and a few other niggles along the way he decided that perhaps we weren't meant to be and his feelings towards me changed.   He ended the relationship in mid Jan this year and I hadn't seen it coming.

I was absolutely devastated as I had always wanted to marry him it's just I'd got stuck - inertia and anxiety about the actual decision - and we hadn't been able to talk frankly about the issue.   I lost over a stone in weight, and now feel that I am losing my mind over the regret I feel at not having grabbed the opportunity when I could and just the sheer pain of missing him and the light and fun he added to life and everything we were able to share together.   He was the love of my life.  I now have to start again at 42 and yet I am still in love with him.   He was pretty special.    Four months on from the break up I have lost all motivation to do much, my work is suffering, as soon as I wake I feel sick at what I have lost through my own weakness, this torment continues until I can force myself to get myself out of bed to have a shower. I do this as quickly as possible until I can go back to bed again for a short time and comfort myself.   I have lost control of my life and am very lonely.   I don't cook anymore which I always loved to do for him and I can't sing in a choir which was how we met (he was the conductor) because the memories are too painful.   I have really lost my way in life and constantly think about how it would be better if I could die so I didn't have to live with the despair I feel at my own stupidity.  I am afraid to die though because of pain, what might be on the other side and that it might not be successful and I end up physically damaged but not dead.   I know it would also tear my family apart but the awful thing is when you are so despairing you do become very selfish because you are the one having to live in your own head and your life.

People talk to me about positive thinking and that it wasn't all my fault, that there was a breakdown in communication, but it doesn't change the irrevocable fact that I had his love for many years but I have now lost him due to my own indecisiveness.   I think I understand now about the expression commitment phobic.  It was like a phobia - it didn't manifest itself in affairs - I would never have done that, I just couldn't address the issue without feeling anxiety and fear which stopped me dead in my tracks.    I sometimes wonder if I will recover from this - I don't know how to help myself.   I must sound very self-pitying but it is how I feel at the regret.

[laurenE]

flowergirl,

It sounds as if your grief has moved more toward clinical depression.  What you describe are exact symptoms of depression. 

 I encourage you to make an appt with your family dr or a specialist (psychiatrist) to get a med eval.   No you are not crazy.   Not at all.   But whenever any of us go through months of extreme pain or stress,   our seretonin level in our brains depletes.  Some people more than others.   When seretonin depletes, this is called clincial depression, a medical condition,  and no amount of positive thinking is going to snap you out of it.  It may help boost your mood a bit,  but there is only so far a postive thought will take you sometimes.

Please see someone soon, as depression only gets worse left untreated.   I am wondering if you had a mild form of depression before this incident,  as one of the other symptoms of  a mild , often undetected form of depression is the inability to make decisions.   

Let us know how you are doing, and what the Dr says.   Counseling could also help you process your thoughts.    Right now I suspect all those thoughts are just replaying over and over in your mind, torturing you instead of healing you.  Process them with someone wise so that you can move forward in your healing.

lauren

[flowergirl]

Thanks for your reply. I have been on anti-depressants since Feb, 1 a day but the Dr doesn't think they seem to be helping me so has suggested coming off them.  I have an appointment I have made to see a Psychotherapist/hypnotherapist privately next week.   The Dr hasn't offered me anything through our National Health Service in the UK which is free of charge.   I am not aware that I had any form of mild depression before this, in fact the last 4 years have been the happiest of my life because of the relationship I had.  I seem to have impaired brain functioning when it comes to decisions ...always been a bit of a problem! but now the years have totted up and the affects of not making brave choices about what I know deep down that I want is having major affects - no kids, no partner. Thanks for your support.
flowergirl

[laurenE]

Sometimes all ya need is to boost up the dosage of the antidepressant.   The body gets used to the meds after awhile and so it takes a little more to make things better.   

And sometimes one antidepressant works wonders for one person and does nothing for another.  T hats why there are so many to pick from out there.  Perhaps you arent on the right one.     I would just hate to see you quit the meds with having those thoughts of death.   

[sevenofwands]

Hello Flowergirl:

See what the therapist has to say to you next week.  I am sure the sessions will be helpful.  (You would, I am afraid, be waiting rather a long time for an appointment if on the NHS).

I would also follow your doctor's advice re any medication, or stopping medication.  He or she knows what is best for you.

Perhaps you were not entirely sure of this relationship, Flowergirl, and that is why you did not reach a decision.  Yes, you would naturally miss the company, the presence, and that is hard to come to terms with.  Do be kind to yourself.

All the best
Seven

[William45]

I am sorry to hear about your lost love. I know that you have heard the say, we don't know what we have untill it is gone. You must miss him a lot. It takes two to form a commitment in any relationship. This man for 10 years plus was commited to you. He did ask you to marry him but there was cold feet. It happens to all of us. Fight or Flight. I am in a similar situation. I am commited to a young lady but she seem to be not serious about the relationship. I to am thinking about saying my goodbyes. Never take things for granted in life. There is always never the right time for things. We as human beings try to put a stamp of approval for the right time. The right time is never there you have to make it. This may sound harsh but it is the reality of things. I do hop you can pull through this. You must have faith and patience it will get you a long way, to few people have it.