Guilt over wishing mentally ill daughter would go away

[texasmom]

This is hard to admit to myself, much less someone else. 

Background -
My sixteen-year-old daughter is mentally ill.  She has bipolar disorder.  She's been difficult since birth, very difficult since age 10, and next to impossible for the past year.  She's on lots of meds, but the disorder seems to be getting worse (we've tried changing doctors but that hasnt' helped).  She's tried to kill herself before.  She's been hospitalized before.

My grief is over the slipping away of my beautiful, sweet, wonderful daughter.  I look at pictures from when she was younger and my heart just breaks. 

My guilt is over wishing all this would end.  I don't care how it ends (yes, I really do, but I'm just so weary).  Of course I want her to get better.  But I also feel guilty because if she's not going to get better, then I wish she was worse so that she could get in residental care.  As it is, she's just terrorizing the house.  She has drained the entire family and extended family's emotional, physical and financial resourses.  We're all running on empty.  We're all waiting for something horrible to happen.  The waiting is terrible.

Thanks for listening.

TexasMom

[laurenE]

Texasmom,

I hear your pain.  Bipolar disorder can be one the of the worst mental illnesses around.   You're right, at least with something like schiz,  placing them in residential care is an easier task, whereas with bipolar disorder,  family is expected to somehow put up with it, w/o much help.

Is she taking her meds as prescribed? I know she is 16 but with bipolar d/o it is in your best interest if you sit there and watch her swollow them.    A 3rd dr's opinion wouldnt hurt either.     

I would also look into residential care.   Here in my state (Ind) we have community  mental health facilities that will place out of control adolescents in a group home, some place where they can get care 24/7.   Its hard when they live at home b/c you cant be awake all night trying to watch her.     I would check high and low for some kind of placement for her.   Ask the psychiatrist,  call the Texas mental health hot line,   anything.  At the very least find a place where you can take her for a long w/e so that you can get a break.    You didnt ask for this illness,  and you  need a break.

Hang in there Texas mom,
lauren

[sevenofwands]

Hello Texasmom:

I am so sorry you are going through this difficulty and wearying time.

I think it would be wise to check that your daughter is in fact taking that medication.  Medication is very effective in bi-polar disorder (though I daresay that adolescence and its accompanying hormonal situation may be aggravating the condition).  I think it would be advisable to immediately see the doctor who prescribed for her, and explain the situation to him/her. 
Bi-polar disorder does not disappear, but it can, as I say, be very successfully medicated. 

Over here such a disorder would not warrant permanent admission to and residence in a psychiatric unit.  Bi-polar patients are admitted though when they have extreme manic episodes, and are kept in hospital until the episode is brought under control, under the supervision of the staff.  I have a relative who is married to someone who has this disorder, and the person is doing very well on her medication, with odd infrequent lapses which are not too overpowering. 

There is no reason why something horrible should happen.  As Lauren has said, I would seek a third opinion, and somehow get every help you can to make the situation manageable. 
Your daughter's life will not be easy, and one can only hope that with ongoing research into these conditions better and more sophisticated medications will be discovered.

All the best
Seven