My girlfriend of four months decided that she needs downtime/freedom for a bit

[CRKid]

So recently (past 48 hrs) i've been looking on google for forums were there are answers for people that may have girlfriend that have said that they need space/freedom/downtime/time/etc.  I was flat-out amazed by how searches there were (which made me feel better because this situation wasn't unique to me).  I specifically came to this forum because i saw how the posters here are honest and tend to have unbiased views.  I'll lay out the situation.

So i meet this girl in my bio 2 class, she's very quiet and the like.  I get to know her better, spend some time with her, talk to her on aim and such.  Eventually i invite her over and from there we became close, girlfriend and boyfriend close.  It just kind of worked out like that, almost like we agreed to be girlfriend and boyfriend.  Well the weeks pass by and well things are going halfway decent.  She has her problems, she was a cutter (i was somehow able to get her to stop because of how i felt about it and telling her and helping her to find better ways to deal with her stress).  She was not very comfortable with intimacy, and had somewhat of a hard time being warmer and closer.  But eventually, she broke through of that and she became much more naturally affectionate.  She's a bit moody i will admit, and tends to keep things to herself.  However, recently shes been much better with her moods and has been opening up to me more often.  Over the months, we grew to honestly love one another, and i truly feel that it was real love because she isn't one just to throw words out and emotions like that unless she means them. 

Now the conflict well...there were times where she felt the intimacy was too much, especially early on.  She couldn't handle it and it took a while for her to get used to it as i said.  We got past that bump, but later, around the begining of April she tells me on a friday that it would be best if we broke apart.  Her parents are very old school and strict, and we had kept the relationship from them a secret.  However once they learned about it (couldn't be avoided, i took her to my junior semi-formal), they went nazi zone on her and her freedom.  Basically took the car away and everything.  Well on that friday was the day where they went mega nazi on her and she was worried not so much about the reaction from her parents but the general state of things.  On how that she had recently changed and she wanted improve a few things in her life (she had stopped doing things she loved like playing the piano, playing tennis, etc) and her relationship she with her parents she wanted to improve (its not the greatest to say the least).  Well basically i couldn't do anything about it and well that's how it went for a few days.  We still talked and everything and such after about a few days we started to get back on the emotional topics and relationship topics in our conversations(somewhere on that following tuesday).  I learned, kinda wheedled/she told me that she had been scared.  She got scared of how serious the relationship had gotten (we had started talking about getting married, having kids, spending the rest of our lives together, etc).  She said that she couldn't bear to lose me though and that the past three days for her she had always been thinking about me and being afraid that the longer she waited that she would lose me forever as a boyfriend and a friend.  So i talked to her honestly and basically asked what was it that she wanted, (i knew she wanted to go back to being gf/bf but she needed to say it) and eventually she said she wanted a relationship.

Now everything went dandy from there, great time much less moodiness and more overall affection and growing with the relationship.  However, recently (the past week) she has been having problems with her best friend that is a guy.  The guy loves her, I know this but i don't have a problem with it because he has always been there for her and she loves him as a friend as well.  He however, (lets call him Tom for now), has been having trouble for a long time being friends with her because their friendship never goes anywhere and he well frankly wants more.  Tom could no longer deal with it very well and had hinted to her that he may possibly cut all connections in order for him to avoid further emotional pain (not those exact words (i wouldn't know) but the general gist of it).  She was scared to lose him as a friend, she couldn't imagine her life without him because she truly loves him as a friend (but im confident as not more as a friend because before she has told me that she couldn't imagine her being with Tom for the rest of her life as husband and wife because she knows that he would never leave her, but she knows that he would probably cheat on her).  And well she had gotten very worked up over it all and had been kinda distant/stressed out over it.  Now here is where i fuck up.  The past month we haven't been able to spend much time together outside of school, (so no "phsyical" contact) and well i didn't do a well enough job of surpressing that.  I knew it wasn't her fault that she rarely was able to come over now and that it wasn't a big deal, but however i couldn't help but feeling a little put off. (But it truly wasn't that she didn't want to spend time, she just flat out couldn't because her parents won't give her the car).  So this last friday we were talking online and i had asked her if we were good for monday (because it was a half a day in school and we had somewhat made plans we would hangout if her father didn't find out about it).  Well she tells me that he found out (she told him, she said because he would find out one way or another and didn't want to betray his trust).  Me, lapsing from maturity and turning for a minute into a selfish prick said, *sigh* seems like you are just avoiding me now.  Well this gets her annoyed, and rightfully so.  I apologize to her but nothing, she is annoyed so i can't do much about it.  Well the next day she comes online at around 9pm and we talk for a bit.    Small chit chat at first but then i make what i think in retrospec was a huge mistake.  I started to apologize to her in great detail about my conduct the past week and saying that i had been a selfish prick.  Silence for a few minutes and she says, "you sure do write essays'.  I said yea perhaps, i guess to show that im being sincere and honest, not just looking for forgiveness.  She then says, "but that's what you want isn't it?"  Obviously she was annoyed and i told her yea i'd be lying if i said otherwise but that's not the point.  I told her that if she wouldn't forgive me, she could at least tell me what i had done so wrong and why she can't forgive me for it.  After some minutes of silence she says, "no, i won't tell you anything).  This almost breaks my heart.  Eventually we get further in the topic and she tells me to stop writting those essays and that she needs some space right there and then.  So i back off and let her talk.  She says what she has to say, mostly that its her not me. 

She later tells me (10 mins later or so) what kind of a horrible sitaution she is in.  I asked do you want to talk about it, but it's ok if you don't.  She says that it'd be better that i don't know (here my suspicions were aroused somewhat that it had to do something with Tom...but i tried to stave that off.)  Well i ask her if there was any way that i could help her, and she says that the best way i could help her was to stop talking to her for the rest of the year.  I ask her why?, etc.  She says she feels drowned, that she needs to feel her freedom again for a time. 

So basically what im asking is what would be the best course in action?  I know giving her that space is best and no contact.  Unless she initiates it, im not going to start being an ass to her.  I'd appreciate any sort of advice that anyone here has to offer, thanks in advance.

P.S. we just talked as i was writing this essay of a post.  Bit of a chit-chat, she however started the conversation with   "I don't know if you received what i said yesterday because my internet connection was shaky , but i just wanted to let you know you don't have to go out of your mind to stay out of my way. my eyes won't burn if i see you".  So i asked her what the limits were and basically that normal everyday contact isn't going to hurt her and that we still be lab partners.  She kind of tested me, and i think i passed well.  This is what she said. 

Her(7:14:47 PM): as i said my eyes won't burn
CRKid (7:14:59 PM): mhmm, if that's the case then don't worry
CRKid (7:15:06 PM): you'll have all the space and freedom you need form me
CRKid (7:15:07 PM): from*
Her (7:15:56 PM): i'm going to test this out to see
Her (7:16:32 PM): if tomm morning you were offered a blow job by me what would be your first reaction
CRKid (7:16:54 PM): cahty (name replaced with real name to preserve identity)...im sorry but please don't
CRKid (7:17:00 PM): if you need space and freedom from me
her(7:17:06 PM): bingo
CRKid (7:17:08 PM): don't start to flirt with me again unless you're ready for it
her  (7:17:10 PM): ok
her  (7:17:11 PM): ok
her  (7:17:21 PM): that's all i needed CRKid (Replaced my name with user name to preserve my identity)
her  (7:17:27 PM): thank you
her  (7:17:35 PM): good luck on WWS
her  (7:17:37 PM): night


I personally think that i handled that perfectly and that reassured her that i can respect her freedom and all.  However i can never be too certain, i can't read her mind and (no offense) im not the greatest at knowing what a woman thinks or wants.

So yea, any form of comments on what i should do, what would be best and etc is welcome and wanted.  Thank you all ahead of time 

[laurenE]

You know the answer.  But I will repeat it here for you.
  She has asked for her space.  Give it to her kindly,  respectfully, and guilt free, if this girl means anything to you.   Its hard to not be selfish but you have to let her go and let her call the shots. 

If you really truely cared for her,  you would not ask her to do something against her parents wishes.  You would not pressure her into sneaking out, or meeting you or anything like that.  A respectable boyfriend would follow the parents rules,  no matter how crazy they may seem to you at the time.
  If you do this,  in the end you may win both the girl and the parents over.  If you dont,  you WILL lose.  Its only a matter of time.
 
Not the answer you want to hear  but an honest one nevertheless.

[CRKid]

No laurenE, that is the answer that i wanted to hear and im glad that you gave it to me.  It was wrong of me to pressure her into sneaking out and disobeying her parents wishes, and I realize that.  It was such a stupid move on my part to even ask her to do that and to persist on making her feel bad about it.  I regret doing that, that's why i believe she had every right to be annoyed with me.  I am generally a very respectable person and respect how others live their lives, I had a selfish lapse though in this situation and it bit me in the bud.  Thank you laurenE.

If anyone else has any opinions, criticisms, or advice for my problem....I'd appreciate it.  I'm willing to accept any form of help.

[Daystars]

It is good to keep in mind that relationships started in the secret. Generally will fail anyway. They lack the openess and communication to survivce.

[centry26]

Honestly,this sounds familiar to me.She sounds a lot like me. From the question she asked you during the IM it sounded like she needed to know that you really cared for her and your feelings for her are genuine with all the support and companionship you established with her.She learned to trust you and doesn't give that easily or freely.She really wanted to know that you don't just want her for physical reasons and you gave the best answer I would ever expect or would want myself.So way to go on that. Her friend Tom? I had a best friend just like that.We were so close that I always saw how he treated girls,cheated on them,and used them.THen he reveals to me many times that he'd wanted me for a long time and didn't understand why I didn't want him like that.I felt the same as she did and she's probably mourning the possible threat of losing him.She trusted him too and then she finds out that he wanted and was after more(most likely physical) so then she goes into questioning her relationship with the other significant male in her life.Frankly,you brought up your thoughts to her(although normal they are)at the most possible wrong time.Thus this is where she retreats and withdrawals her trust that she worked so hard at establishing with you.

 This is normal for her to back off given her history and would probably continue here and there.Something traumatic happened for her to mistrust ppl or she could also have an anxiety(GAD)disorder.
 If you give her space and time to analyze her relationship with you so she can SEE what you really were to her then she most likely will come around and realize she really misses you.I know it's so hard to stand back and wait but when she talks to you just continue to let her know you are right there for her friend,boyfriend,or whatever she needs.Don't give her ultimatums the pressure is painful and makes her feel you really aren't always there for better or worse.When things get bad for her she needs to know that she's not abandoned no matter what's going on in her head.Being lonely,misunderstood,and having to question everything is very hard to deal with.
**caution**
 If she questions or "tests"you more to find out what you really want her FOR do not get angry,offended,or impatient and just stay calm.If you do then she will only retreat more.Be patient kind and loving and let her know that you really are there for her and want her for HER not just for physical reasons.

To me it sounds like you truly care for her or else you woulda moved on to the next girl.So I don't think it's physical myself.But you are right, do not cause stress with her parents.It only makes things unbearable for her and she has to live with them and you don't want her to feel trapped.Establish a trust relationship with them and they will most likely gradually allow more freedom.They probably want to know as well that this teenage boy showing attention is not just after one thing like most others are.
I hope this isn't too late and is something you can use in the future. I have been in this situation MANY times with the few boyfriends i had and it is so hard to trust who is genuine and who is just bidding time to get what they want.You sound like the real deal so hang in there for her.Good luck!!

[CRKid]

Thank for everyone's advice, especially yours centry26, it's helping me a lot right now.  Well it's been a while, but to summarize things, she did talk to me, she did miss me and we continued our relationship.  However during the whole time, she was still grieving for her friend.   There would be days at a time where it wouldn't matter (in the sense that it wouldn't affect her) because she wouldn't see him around school or hear about him.  But whenever she did, she would feel so bad and depressed and would half of the time withdraw somewhat.

Well recently again she heard from a person in her chem class a conversation that a person had with Tom.  The person brought up her name and Tom responded to not talk about her, and clearly sounded that he still was very angry and almost hated her.  And well...the results were like the same but just a bit more than before.  She's withdrawn, she's told me that she has "shut down" in all aspects (i will post most of the conversation so you guys can make of it what you think).  Centry26, i am going to follow your advice and be patient and loving and not make any ultimatiums to her....it is so very difficult though. 

This is the third time this has happened and i can completely understand it from her point of view....but sometimes i feel like im being too understanding, that my feelings are not being put into consideration and etc...i know it sounds selfish but i can't help but feel that at times.  But yea Centry26, your post has helped to establish my head on my shoulders.  I don't want to alienate her, i love her and if possible i want to spend the rest of my life with her (as she has said to me that she would want to).  No relationship is perfect without its bumps, i realize this.  Anyways here is the convo, I'd appreciate any advice anyone here has to offer and thank you for everything that you've guys have done for me.

i was just worried about what was wrong Cathy because i saw it was affecting you but all right
[5/26/2009 7:33:40 PM] Her: nothing is wrong
[5/26/2009 7:33:42 PM] CRKid: you have your right to your privacy, i respect that
[5/26/2009 7:33:42 PM] Her: NOTHING
[5/26/2009 7:33:43 PM] Her: ok
[5/26/2009 7:33:54 PM] Her: i don't have privacy
[5/26/2009 7:34:23 PM] Her: god i think i'm going to go to church tomm
[5/26/2009 7:34:24 PM] CRKid:  im not arguing i was just saying...im sorry that i brought it up
[5/26/2009 7:35:19 PM] Her: this isn't arguementr
[5/26/2009 7:35:22 PM] Her: you want to see arguement
[5/26/2009 7:35:32 PM] Her: throw me and Tom right now in one room , doors closed
[5/26/2009 7:36:22 PM] Her: i am the way i am
[5/26/2009 7:36:47 PM] CRKid: all right Cathy
[5/26/2009 7:37:13 PM] CRKid: i suddenly feel very sick...im sorry if i don't reply right away
[5/26/2009 7:37:23 PM] Her: CRKid
[5/26/2009 7:37:23 PM] CRKid: im starting to get nauseated for some reason
[5/26/2009 7:37:28 PM] Her: ugh
[5/26/2009 7:37:39 PM] Her: is it because of your worridness
[5/26/2009 7:37:42 PM] Her: tell me
[5/26/2009 7:38:02 PM] CRKid: tell you?  yes Cathy that's something i can do for you darling
[5/26/2009 7:38:09 PM] CRKid: yes its partly because im worried but its ok
[5/26/2009 7:38:30 PM] CRKid: i'll be fine, i'll stick it out or throw up if it gets too bad
[5/26/2009 7:38:39 PM] Her: CRKid
[5/26/2009 7:38:42 PM] Her: i forbid you
[5/26/2009 7:38:48 PM] Her: to let me affect you like that
[5/26/2009 7:38:53 PM] Her: i forbid it
[5/26/2009 7:39:18 PM] CRKid: Cathy, work on the labs don't worry about me
[5/26/2009 7:39:21 PM] CRKid: im fine
[5/26/2009 7:42:31 PM] Her: i know you are
[5/26/2009 7:42:56 PM] CRKid: mhmm good, don't worry the nausea will pass so its not a problem
[5/26/2009 7:43:20 PM] Her: CRKid you can't do that
[5/26/2009 7:43:34 PM] Her: you have to have a strong stomach
[5/26/2009 7:43:38 PM] Her: got it?
[5/26/2009 7:44:01 PM] CRKid: Cathy, i'll be fine
[5/26/2009 7:44:19 PM] CRKid: it's the way i am, the feeling ususally passes with time
[5/26/2009 7:44:33 PM] CRKid: i don't think i've ever thrown up for reasons like this so don't worry
[5/26/2009 7:44:52 PM] Her: i can't have you or Tom
[5/26/2009 7:44:55 PM] Her: doing that
[5/26/2009 7:45:10 PM] CRKid: Tom used to get sick with worry as well?
[5/26/2009 7:45:18 PM] Her: yes
[5/26/2009 7:45:31 PM] Her: actually
[5/26/2009 7:45:34 PM] CRKid: yea well we are similar in that respect, i get sick with worry as well
[5/26/2009 7:45:38 PM] Her: he would personally drive if he got worried
[5/26/2009 7:45:44 PM] Her: straight to my house
[5/26/2009 7:46:04 PM] Her: or for no reason
[5/26/2009 7:46:11 PM] CRKid: well if i didn't have my own restrictions and had a car i would as well
[5/26/2009 7:46:20 PM] Her: no
[5/26/2009 7:46:22 PM] CRKid: but i don't think you or your family would admit me in right ow
[5/26/2009 7:46:23 PM] CRKid: now*
[5/26/2009 7:46:26 PM] CRKid: so its ok
[5/26/2009 7:46:26 PM] Her: no
[5/26/2009 7:47:04 PM] CRKid: don't worry im not coming over, god why would i do that if it'd just annoy you
[5/26/2009 7:48:02 PM] CRKid: you are the way you are, and i am the way i am.  i'm sorry but yea that's something about me i get sick with worry about the people i care about
[5/26/2009 7:48:18 PM] CRKid: the nausea is passing though, so try not to not worry
[5/26/2009 7:48:26 PM] CRKid: try to not worry(
[5/26/2009 7:48:27 PM] CRKid: **
[5/26/2009 7:49:42 PM] Her: wonderful
[5/26/2009 7:49:47 PM] Her: i feel just fantastic
[5/26/2009 7:50:29 PM] Her: please don't turn into a Tom
[5/26/2009 7:50:40 PM] Her: i don't think i could handle you both
[5/26/2009 7:50:52 PM] CRKid: well what are some aspects of Tom i should not turn in to?
[5/26/2009 7:51:52 PM] Her: i suppose there aren't many just one of not bruning off bridges
[5/26/2009 7:52:11 PM] CRKid: figuratively?
[5/26/2009 7:52:26 PM] Her: no literally
[5/26/2009 7:52:36 PM] Her: don't go burn people's bridegs they need to cross them later
[5/26/2009 7:53:02 PM] Her: yes figurative
[5/26/2009 7:53:28 PM] Her: 5 more min
[5/26/2009 7:53:31 PM] Her: i'll leave you
[5/26/2009 7:53:32 PM] Her: alone
[5/26/2009 7:53:34 PM] CRKid: that you don't have to worry about, i don't burn bridges from myself and other people
[5/26/2009 7:53:44 PM] CRKid: why, then you're going to go work?
[5/26/2009 7:53:51 PM] Her: yes
[5/26/2009 7:54:01 PM] Her: i want to tidyu up the CR and RD
[5/26/2009 7:54:10 PM] Her: and start the 3rd up to analysis
[5/26/2009 7:54:17 PM] CRKid: mhmm
[5/26/2009 7:54:56 PM] CRKid: ugh damnit
[5/26/2009 7:55:43 PM] Her: what
[5/26/2009 7:56:36 PM] CRKid: no, nothing i won't let myself throw up
[5/26/2009 7:56:43 PM] CRKid: im not going to let it overcome me like that
[5/26/2009 7:58:05 PM] Her: CRKid
[5/26/2009 7:58:17 PM] Her: if it helps then don't love me
[5/26/2009 7:58:31 PM] Her: then you won't get sick
[5/26/2009 7:58:38 PM] CRKid: ok let us please stop this talk right there Cathy
[5/26/2009 7:58:55 PM] Her: i only said a sentence
[5/26/2009 7:58:57 PM] Her: fine
[5/26/2009 7:59:00 PM] CRKid: let us not go down this road again
[5/26/2009 7:59:33 PM] Her: ok
[5/26/2009 8:00:21 PM] CRKid: yea, we both agreed that we need to be able to work out our problems together if we want this to survive
[5/26/2009 8:00:33 PM] Her: hahahahahaha
[5/26/2009 8:00:39 PM] Her: ok
[5/26/2009 8:00:59 PM] CRKid: no running aways or stopping loving one another, that's silly if we are serious about this working out
[5/26/2009 8:01:43 PM] CRKid: you're not in the mindset right now though Cathy to talk about this, i don't want to bother you any more i think i've done enough for today
[5/26/2009 8:02:48 PM] Her: you have no idea
[5/26/2009 8:02:50 PM] Her: no idea
[5/26/2009 8:02:54 PM] Her: why i'm like this
[5/26/2009 8:03:31 PM] Her: its like cement on my lungs
[5/26/2009 8:03:43 PM] CRKid: i know i don't
[5/26/2009 8:04:23 PM] CRKid: im sorry for how you feel, i only want you to feel better
[5/26/2009 8:04:40 PM] Her: i know you do. i know you are sincere
[5/26/2009 8:05:09 PM] Her: i'm not saying something or implying anything
[5/26/2009 8:05:22 PM] Her: i'm not even planning on doing anything
[5/26/2009 8:05:31 PM] Her: do you understand
[5/26/2009 8:05:38 PM] Her: i'm on a shut down mode
[5/26/2009 8:05:48 PM] Her: i'm not putting effort anymore into anything
[5/26/2009 8:06:05 PM] Her: on every level
[5/26/2009 8:06:23 PM] Her: you know what it is to be lazy
[5/26/2009 8:06:25 PM] Her: right?
[5/26/2009 8:06:29 PM] CRKid: yes
[5/26/2009 8:06:33 PM] Her: right
[5/26/2009 8:06:51 PM] Her: that should explian it to you
[5/26/2009 8:06:55 PM] Her: explain*
[5/26/2009 8:07:29 PM] CRKid: i do understand what you mean by shutdown mode and all, but yea like you said i have no idea why you are like this
[5/26/2009 8:07:37 PM] Her: and you never will
[5/26/2009 8:07:44 PM] CRKid: just know that im here for you Cathy, that's all
[5/26/2009 8:07:50 PM] Her: i know
[5/26/2009 8:07:52 PM] Her: anyway
[5/26/2009 8:07:55 PM] CRKid: and im ok with that Cathy if that's how you will keep it
[5/26/2009 8:08:17 PM] Her: i'm not saying yes or no
[5/26/2009 8:08:26 PM] Her: i'm leaving it at that
[5/26/2009 8:08:33 PM] Her: i hope you understood it
[5/26/2009 8:08:41 PM] Her: because that's as clear as i'm ever getting
[5/26/2009 8:09:05 PM] Her: anyway i'm going to work on the labs ttyl

 
The reason i know it has to do with Tom is because we later talked on webcam and it eventually went over to him, she telling me the story and all.

[CRKid]

The relationship is over.....we talked about it as much as she could after school...Something shifted in her she said....meaning that she didn't feel the same way and that it wouldn't be right and it wouldn't do both of us justice, which i agree with....but i have so much trouble accepting this when i don't understand what caused it to go wrong, why she shifted...what made her lose the love i don't know and it kills me....i know that we won't be back together, i don't want to continue feeling such a longing if i keep that thought in my head...but i can't just stop loving her on the spot....her emotions shifted for how she felt about me, she still cares but she no longer feels the same way that she'd need to in order to carry on a fulfiling relationship so i don't want that to happen.

But i just can't help but want it all back, to go through the relationship again, i feel so utterely bewildered and distraught.  Part of me wants to go back into the relationship, another understands that it would be wrong, that she no longer feels that way and regardless if she started to feel that way again it would be shambles....i don't know what to do, how to stop making myself feel this way because i can't stop loving her on the dime.  Im not going to hurt myself, im not going to drink myself to death, im not going to do anythng stupid like that but i can't occupy myself all that much right now either...and until she fully relates to me the full story of why her emotions shifted, i don't think i'll be able to fully move on without having hopes of returning...i know it's pathetic but this just happened and i can't help but feel this way...

[Luvinmike]

Dear CRKid;
We all care and hope you continue to heal and move forward as you must. The one thing I could think of that may be helpful is that heartache over love heals really well over time and with self-care. Exercise and do the things you have always wanted to do- block out all those what ifs and why nots especially regarding someone else's feelings. In a short time you will be surprised that you feel better. Believe in yourself and develope friendships that are good for you. where you communicate in healthy ways. Thinking of you and sending you the strength to care about you... Sincerely, Terri

[CRKid]

I felt that i kind of owed it to the people that took the time to reply to this thread to give an update.

Things have been going very well for me, the pain has gone and I've become a much stronger person out of it.  She is now going out with that guy that I told you guys about, Ben.  Anyone surprised, because i sure as hell am not  .  I understand that I was not myself ready for such a full out relationship, and neither was she.  I handled myself incompetently, like a true noob but it was my first relationship so i was bound to make a few mistakes.  I made a post recently on the Eharmony boards asking a question and saying a few things about myself.  I'll post them here so i can tell you guys how far i've come along. 
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
At what age did you start to think about your own qualities, the type of person you are and the type of partner that would be compatible with you?

I recently finished my junior year in highschool, and at the end of may a relationship i had been for four-five months had ended. It was my first serious relationship, and in hindsight i was completely unprepared for it. I rushed it emotionally, i had extreme rose-colored glasses on constantly and i sacrificed my own happiness for hopes of a better future. I was a complete noob in the fact of how i handled myself in the relationship. Was head over heels in love and couldn't control it. I'm the type of person that wants and likes affection, both public and private. She's not comfortable with public affection in general, but i still couldn't control myself and still was excessive publicly.

She is not a communicative person, she has trouble relaying her thoughts, problems, emotions, feelings into words and expressing them and more trouble not in the sense that she isn't capable, but that she isn't comfortable with it. It constantly was a barrier between us. I could continue writing an essay about my relationship, but that isn't the point that i was trying to make. This relationship got me thinking in what qualities i have, what i bring to the table in a relationship and what types of people would make good fits. I've personally realized that i need a person who is open, trusting, honest, has a strong value system that they stand behind, open-minded, faithful and mature (mature in knowing what she wants, knowing what it takes for a relationship to succeed and a plethora of other things connected with maturity).

From my past experience from this relationship, along with my plethora of reading relationship boards (especially Eharmony!) I've learned more and more everyday of what it takes to make a relationship works and it gladdens me because i realized i have most of the qualities needed. Commitment, compassion, openness, trust, dedication to the relationship (connected with commitment, if not the same thing) and being able to love people (to bring out the best in them, to put their needs in front of yours, to be there for them, to want only the best for them, etc.)

What i was wondering and was hoping to get everyone's opinion on was when was it that you started to deeply look at yourself and to recognize the type of person you are and the type of person you could be compatible with? I feel like im doing this a little early...but considering how many failed marriages there are...it
seems like a good thing to do for myself.
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Did i come across that i wanted someone to "complete me"? Perhaps i did actually...hmmm. I don't want someone to complete me, i already want to be complete before i meet someone. And to be honest with you, these past few months have done tremendous things in achieving that goal. I feel as if I am as complete as I have ever been in my life, I feel like i have my head fully on my shoulders.

When I meet someone and perhaps start a relationship with them, I want them to be whole. I don't want someone with so much baggage, that they constantly are miserable and I don't want someone who feels that they need me in order to be "complete". I want a person who already has inner peace, who is already happy. The relationship i want is a deeper one, one where we will both grow as people and as partners. I want it to be nurturing, meaningful and going somewhere.

I 100% agree with you in regards to the dog anecdote, people are much more willing to overlook flaws and glaring faults if they are attracted to a person (as i clearly did in my last relationship, lesson learned). Hopefully the next person whom I'm attracted to and do have a relationship with will not be a person who has more bad than good. We are not perfect people, I do not want perfection. I want a genuine human being that has a lot to offer, as I do. Just some thoughts that have been buzzing around my head the past few months, they've been helping me grow into a healthier, maturer and more complete person overall .
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And well yea, that's about it.  I've come out to be a stronger and more complete person and am in a very good place right now .  Exercising, learning and making new friendships in my life.  Thanks for all your help guys and thank you everyone personally that gave me their advice and wished me the best.

I hope that everyone that comes on these boards will find advice and solace that will aid them in their tough times.  Good luck to you all, my heart reaches out to you.

[laurenE]

Hey CRkid!

WOW! You have come along way and grown in your understanding of the complexities of romantic relationships.  You should be proud of that. 

I can't believe you are only 17 now.  Good grief, you are wise beyond your years guy!  That will take you far in this crazy world of romance and big decisions.

Its great to hear from you.  Thanks for the update.

lauren

[CRKid]

Hey CRkid!

WOW! You have come along way and grown in your understanding of the complexities of romantic relationships.  You should be proud of that. 

I can't believe you are only 17 now.  Good grief, you are wise beyond your years guy!  That will take you far in this crazy world of romance and big decisions.

Its great to hear from you.  Thanks for the update.

lauren

Thanks Lauren for your truly kind words .  I still have a lot left to learn, but I feel like I'm on the right track.  Yea that last relationship taught me a lot about myself, other people and relationships in general.  Once again, thanks Lauren for what you said, you've definitely helped me before while I was in the relationship because I took your advise seriously.

Hope everyone on these boards will stay strong and be able to love, advice and caring in these forums and in life.  My heart goes out to all of you.