i think i should just cut all ties

[lossforwords]

I'm new to this but i really needed someplace to get this all out. and i've been trying to find a therapist who takes my insurance and it's be such a demotivating pain in the ass i've just about given up.
  My whole life has be a slightly skewed. I was adopted and my adoptive mother died when i was 2 1/2. My sister who was 9 took it alot harder and my dad was in his own world and never thought to get her help. My dad was abusive for as long as i can remember. Violent towards me but never directly. But him and my sister would always get into physically abusive situations. There's many a time i'd curl up in the corner next to my door and cry and rock back and forth begging in my mind for them to stop. One memory i have is that my dad threw my sister's dance trophies down the stairs breaking them. and when i went to help my sister pick them up she threw the base of one at me. i was probably about 5 or so. My whole like is filled with memories like that.
  I'm 24 now and had moved out of his house a couple years ago. of course i moved into a bad relationship but after that ended a switch went off in my head and i no longer let myself get treated badly. So i decided to attempt dealing with my dad again recently, on my terms. He's 84 and i figured i don't want him to die with things being bad between us because he is my father no matter what has happened. Things were going ok and since i've been strapped for money and wanting to go back to school he offered to let me move back in.
 Now, me thinking things were better, i accepted at the risk of straining my current relationship. with this next place i'm moving to it'll be 9 moves in 3 yrs and stability and going to school sounded great. Now skip to a couple of days ago. my dad states that he's not happy and he's going to write a letter to me and my sister stating what we have to do to make him happy or he's selling the house, disinheriting us and taking all his money and disappearing. My dad's been telling me things like that for s long as i can remember. "your mother was the one that wanted you and she went and died leaving me stuck with you. you're lucky i don't just disappear. maybe i just wont' come home from work one day." things like that. so that made me snap. i couldn't do anything about it when i was little but i sure as hell can now
 so now i'm thinking of just writing him off completely. there's still stuff of mine in his house that i'm sure he doesn't care about and it was my childhood home. my room was my sanctuary growing up and it's been taken away from me never to be seen again, if my dad wants it that way. but just nixing him out of my life means that's it. that i have no one but myself. thanks to moving so much i lost a great deal of my friends and as much as i love my boyfriend it feels like since he has such amazing parents he can't fully grip how things work in my head.                       
    is it better to keep a shitty person in your life than lose them completely and feel more alone? i have no clue how to approach this. and i have no clue how i'd feel about all this once he dies.
 for whoever reads thru all this..thanks for lending an ear (or eyes in this case). i really just don't know what to do and i really feel like i have no one who i can go to with this (besides a professional, and no i dont want to pay 200bucks for that thank you very much)

[sevenofwands]

Hello Lossforwords:

You sound like a very together young woman to me! I did enjoy reading your post, because of the great immediacy and expressiveness of your writing style.  Yes.!   

You sure have had to put up with a lot, and my own personal view is that no one should put up with abusive behaviour from ANYONE.  That is essentially the bottom line. And no you could not do anything about this abuse when you were a little one, but now you CAN.  I expect you do know, right inside yourself, what the best course of action is. 

Would you think of talking to your boyfriend, and his parents?  You do need friends at a time like this, and perhaps there might be a counsellor you could speak do (maybe less expensive, through some voluntary organisation or something like that) who would help you out a little. You deserve that, because I can see you are a courageous person.

All the best to you.
Seven 

[ashley brook]

i think you need to have him commited to a local phsyciatrist  hospital  and have him declaired incompent

[Luvinmike]

dear Lossofwords;
     Please first understand you are not alone, although this abuse is not common for everyone- many have suffered the kind of severe emotional and sometimes physical abuse like you and you sister. I agree with Seven that by writing, you do write well, that you may come to the conclusion you need; not to subject yourself to this. Colleges have free counseling available, many jobs offer employee assistance, and apply to hospitals for,"Free care." I would also encourage you to talk with your sister. Maybe you could leave your Dad, leave him a note explaining why, and let it go at that- in other words, let his remorse and response- or lack there of, give you the answer about continued contact. DO NOT FEEL GUILTY- PERIOD!!!! You did not cause this, this is not your fault, never has been and i am sorry you lost your Mom as a baby. I hope you look in the mirror everyday and realize you are strong and capable. When you feel down and resentful of others who have loving families, try to remember how hard you have worked to grow up in this- and that you will have a good life that you deserve. Visualize the life you want and take a little step each day towards that vision. Please take very good care of yourself. We care. Sincerely, Terri

[sevenofwands]

Lossforwords:

I agree entirely with Terri's great advice and suggestions.  Do let us know how you are doing and how you are managing.  I would just add that you would be best away from such a toxic environment, and you deserve better.

Take care of yourself.
All the best
Seven